Help me understand please...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by Jenny1232 
How? How do you say you love me one minute - and the next dispense me like garbage? Did I ever really matter? I feel rejected, unloved, unworthy, useless... Was it really all a lie?
He doesn't want me anymore. He wants her. Not that it matters, because I'm never going back there.. but ouch. I'm just in so much pain. I can't stop thinking about this.
He doesn't want me anymore. He wants her. Not that it matters, because I'm never going back there.. but ouch. I'm just in so much pain. I can't stop thinking about this.
OK I think I'm done ranting. The short of it is - as others have stated here - it's all about him, his drinking and finding some one who will put up with his BS, who will let him spend all of his money on alcohol while providing a roof over his head, a couch under his a--, and a TV to stare at. OK, the TV, roof, couch, that's my STBXAH. No idea if that's what your xABF will be getting from his currently willing target. But I'm fairly certain the part about finding some one else to enable his drinking and lack of a life is.
Rejection from a alcoholic is not a rejection of you; it's simply him running to next person that will enable his disease. On days when I'm having hard time dealing with feelings of being rejected by my STBXAH, I tell myself that over and over and over.
It sounds like you're able to see where you're going and what you're leaving behind. Keep that in mind and keep on going. (Drop kick that fantasy world as hard as you can.)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
Im sure you've heard time
and time again that it's time
that heals all.
Sure it may seem like a life
time and yes it feels like that,
but in time you will eventually
feel relief.
Try to remember that anger,
hatred, resentments held inside
will make you feel worse.
I had to learn in recovery that
resentments for me can kill.
It eats away at ur very core
inside you. It blocks the beauty
that may lie within you.
Dont let that destroy the beautiful
person that you are to others.
When one door closes another
door or window will open for you.
You may not realize this but
i believe for myself that my
life has already been mapped
out for me just as i believe
it is the same for you and others.
This event in ur life is just a
stepping stone to what lyes
ahead of you.
I believe the Man upstairs
has something awesome
prepared for you down the
road.
Be patiant and have faith.
and time again that it's time
that heals all.
Sure it may seem like a life
time and yes it feels like that,
but in time you will eventually
feel relief.
Try to remember that anger,
hatred, resentments held inside
will make you feel worse.
I had to learn in recovery that
resentments for me can kill.
It eats away at ur very core
inside you. It blocks the beauty
that may lie within you.
Dont let that destroy the beautiful
person that you are to others.
When one door closes another
door or window will open for you.
You may not realize this but
i believe for myself that my
life has already been mapped
out for me just as i believe
it is the same for you and others.
This event in ur life is just a
stepping stone to what lyes
ahead of you.
I believe the Man upstairs
has something awesome
prepared for you down the
road.
Be patiant and have faith.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
I sat down with a woman in my church. She is a recovering alcoholic/drug abuser. She has been sober for 14yrs.
What she shared with me, I will take with me forever. In active addiction, there is NO ROOM for any sort of relationship with another person. The drug/drink/pill is the first and only love, and NOTHING comes before it. Nothing. The addiction is all encompassing. The only thing that matters is where the next fix comes from. If you are in the way, you are expendable. It's that simple. It has NOTHING to do with you. The addict cannot love anything but the drug of choice.
I will be one of his regrets, when/if he gets sober. She assured me of that. I will never forget those words. If I never see him again, that I will be a regret gives me comfort. They do not have any idea what they lose, until they have hit bottom, and can crawl back out.
Until that time, Jenny..do not waste one more tear. Get out there and start LIVING YOUR LIFE!
Hugs to you!
What she shared with me, I will take with me forever. In active addiction, there is NO ROOM for any sort of relationship with another person. The drug/drink/pill is the first and only love, and NOTHING comes before it. Nothing. The addiction is all encompassing. The only thing that matters is where the next fix comes from. If you are in the way, you are expendable. It's that simple. It has NOTHING to do with you. The addict cannot love anything but the drug of choice.
I will be one of his regrets, when/if he gets sober. She assured me of that. I will never forget those words. If I never see him again, that I will be a regret gives me comfort. They do not have any idea what they lose, until they have hit bottom, and can crawl back out.
Until that time, Jenny..do not waste one more tear. Get out there and start LIVING YOUR LIFE!
Hugs to you!
Climbing hills, flying down...
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
p.s. I have an ex who sounds very similar...he broke up with me (he was a depressive addict) and moved on fast. 10 years later, I recently heard through the grapevine that he's still doing the same thing! So..patterns never change, but we can!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Jenny,
I was once engaged to an alcoholic liar. I left him over 5 years ago. I recently saw a press clipping in which he was still claiming to be something that he never was and that something (or nothing) is verifiable. When we broke up, I discovered that he had been riding high on that tale for at least 10 years prior to us ever meeting. He didn't just lie to me, he lied to everyone before me and is doing so to everyone after me. What seemed like such a huge deal for me was just a little blip to him, until the next vulnerable woman came along. The tale (involved various military activities) was also used as justification for his drinking, his emotional difficulties, his financial difficulties and his lack of contact with his son. I can see how it would be hard to give up after all these years. He pretty much lied about everything, but that was one of things that held his whole (non) persona together.
I only mention that to say that there are (many) people here who understand. But also to say that, without question, his actions are not about you. They are part of his construct and will serve him until they serve him no more.
So, rage away. But please understand that you are missing a figment of your imagination. And his too.
I was once engaged to an alcoholic liar. I left him over 5 years ago. I recently saw a press clipping in which he was still claiming to be something that he never was and that something (or nothing) is verifiable. When we broke up, I discovered that he had been riding high on that tale for at least 10 years prior to us ever meeting. He didn't just lie to me, he lied to everyone before me and is doing so to everyone after me. What seemed like such a huge deal for me was just a little blip to him, until the next vulnerable woman came along. The tale (involved various military activities) was also used as justification for his drinking, his emotional difficulties, his financial difficulties and his lack of contact with his son. I can see how it would be hard to give up after all these years. He pretty much lied about everything, but that was one of things that held his whole (non) persona together.
I only mention that to say that there are (many) people here who understand. But also to say that, without question, his actions are not about you. They are part of his construct and will serve him until they serve him no more.
So, rage away. But please understand that you are missing a figment of your imagination. And his too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 17
The thing to remember is that addicts all have the same issue; there is no such thing is 'enough'. Or 'satisfied'. My AH calls it "chasing the dragon." They are constantly in pursuit of the high that cannot be reached.
My AH's dragon was alcohol. I know other folks who do drugs to try and reach that unattainable high. Others cut, overeat, shop, gamble... all to excess, in trying to reach that high.
It sounds to me like your AXB also does this with women. Like, maybe the NEXT woman will make him feel the way he wants to feel. Or the next one. Or the next. He'll keep moving on and moving on, over and over, in pursuit of the unattainable, because the problem is HIM.
The simple fact of the matter is that it's easy to move on when you don't care about anyone but yourself. You DID care about him, so you're having trouble moving on.
I have to wonder how it is you know so much about what he's up to, even now that you are apart? Are you still in touch with him? That's not a good idea, really, because he's probably getting off on the hurt he's causing you.
My AH's dragon was alcohol. I know other folks who do drugs to try and reach that unattainable high. Others cut, overeat, shop, gamble... all to excess, in trying to reach that high.
It sounds to me like your AXB also does this with women. Like, maybe the NEXT woman will make him feel the way he wants to feel. Or the next one. Or the next. He'll keep moving on and moving on, over and over, in pursuit of the unattainable, because the problem is HIM.
The simple fact of the matter is that it's easy to move on when you don't care about anyone but yourself. You DID care about him, so you're having trouble moving on.
I have to wonder how it is you know so much about what he's up to, even now that you are apart? Are you still in touch with him? That's not a good idea, really, because he's probably getting off on the hurt he's causing you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 132
Originally Posted by LisaJean1970
The thing to remember is that addicts all have the same issue; there is no such thing is 'enough'. Or 'satisfied'.
It sounds to me like your AXB also does this with women. Like, maybe the NEXT woman will make him feel the way he wants to feel. Or the next one. Or the next. He'll keep moving on and moving on, over and over, in pursuit of the unattainable, because the problem is HIM..
It sounds to me like your AXB also does this with women. Like, maybe the NEXT woman will make him feel the way he wants to feel. Or the next one. Or the next. He'll keep moving on and moving on, over and over, in pursuit of the unattainable, because the problem is HIM..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Thank you for all of the wonder replies...
Perhaps I'm just having a hard time still accepting.. or maybe I'm that naive. I find it rather difficult to comprehend, after everything he ever said - that he was incapable of loving me? Does that mean, he didn't REALLY love me? I don't think I can believe that...
I agree with so much of what everyone is saying - but to even respond to any of this... is to continue wasting my time on a douchebag. Thank you though
Thank you. Thank you!
Well yesterday rocked - and today will be better. I'm not interested in dwelling on this fool anymore... or tomorrow for that matter. Or the next day. I know I get weak - but I'm just feeling SO much better!!!
Thank you for letting me vent! This place always changes my mood for the better!
Perhaps I'm just having a hard time still accepting.. or maybe I'm that naive. I find it rather difficult to comprehend, after everything he ever said - that he was incapable of loving me? Does that mean, he didn't REALLY love me? I don't think I can believe that...
I agree with so much of what everyone is saying - but to even respond to any of this... is to continue wasting my time on a douchebag. Thank you though
Thank you. Thank you!Well yesterday rocked - and today will be better. I'm not interested in dwelling on this fool anymore... or tomorrow for that matter. Or the next day. I know I get weak - but I'm just feeling SO much better!!!
Thank you for letting me vent! This place always changes my mood for the better!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
Jenny,
He loved you in the capacity that an addict can love. Like I said in my earlier post, his first love is his drug of choice. You are expendable when you get in the way. He will find another that will 'fill the hole' that the drug does not. Be SO thankful it is not you!
Count your many blessings that this man is OUT of your life. You are FREE dear one! FREE to pursue a full life with or without a man. Do NOT sell yourself short one more minute, and think this is the best you can get. You are a daughter of the Most High God, and a man of honor, grace, and integrity is what you should be seeking. And one that loves his Creator more than he could ever love another human being. THAT is the man to seek.
Until then, pray for your ex, and pray for his 'bottom' to come so that he may crawl out of the pit, and into the light. And if he didn't love you...so what? He cannot love anyone in his current state. And it has nothing to do with you. You are loveable, you are worthy, and you do NOT need a man to validate that in you. Remember that always. In Christ, there is complete fullness, and validation! He is your Prince!
He loved you in the capacity that an addict can love. Like I said in my earlier post, his first love is his drug of choice. You are expendable when you get in the way. He will find another that will 'fill the hole' that the drug does not. Be SO thankful it is not you!
Count your many blessings that this man is OUT of your life. You are FREE dear one! FREE to pursue a full life with or without a man. Do NOT sell yourself short one more minute, and think this is the best you can get. You are a daughter of the Most High God, and a man of honor, grace, and integrity is what you should be seeking. And one that loves his Creator more than he could ever love another human being. THAT is the man to seek.
Until then, pray for your ex, and pray for his 'bottom' to come so that he may crawl out of the pit, and into the light. And if he didn't love you...so what? He cannot love anyone in his current state. And it has nothing to do with you. You are loveable, you are worthy, and you do NOT need a man to validate that in you. Remember that always. In Christ, there is complete fullness, and validation! He is your Prince!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
I can't believe I have 34 threads started by me... I was skimming over some - and I feel like I'm in a MUCH healthier place.. and I only joined here three months ago.
Reading over some of them kind of sickened my stomach. Thank you so much, for teaching me what you have! This place has been amazing to me! I've noticed how much I apply what has been said from you all, to my everyday decisions in life.
Reading over some of them kind of sickened my stomach. Thank you so much, for teaching me what you have! This place has been amazing to me! I've noticed how much I apply what has been said from you all, to my everyday decisions in life.
A Pirate looks at 40
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
Posts: 264
Originally Posted by Jenny1232
I can't believe I have 34 threads started by me... I was skimming over some - and I feel like I'm in a MUCH healthier place.. and I only joined here three months ago.
Reading over some of them kind of sickened my stomach. Thank you so much, for teaching me what you have! This place has been amazing to me! I've noticed how much I apply what has been said from you all, to my everyday decisions in life.
Reading over some of them kind of sickened my stomach. Thank you so much, for teaching me what you have! This place has been amazing to me! I've noticed how much I apply what has been said from you all, to my everyday decisions in life.
Good now go do that theraputic woman thingy...you know...SHOPPING!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
I used to think I should have been born a man (three brothers - no sister) because I despise girly things...
but lately.. I have been on a serious shopping kick! However, I still HATE shopping. I just so desperately need clothes. It is far from theraupeutic for me - it's frustrating as hell!!!
but lately.. I have been on a serious shopping kick! However, I still HATE shopping. I just so desperately need clothes. It is far from theraupeutic for me - it's frustrating as hell!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
This is a song my son wrote for his brother who broke up with his girlfriend. I wish I could attach the audio file because I really love the music as well as the lyrics.. but maybe you'll connect with just the lyrics. I love the "rope burn" metaphor because it means you really want to hang on, and you do get "rope burn" when you finally recognize it's over, but it means you're letting go... so you can handle the rope burn
You think you lost your love
But what do you expect when you push and shove pieces back into place
They’re not meant to be rearranged
But I’ll hang on and I will start to learn
That there’s no shame in getting a little rope burn
When you hang on so tight…
Just let it go…
This wind has a bitter chill
But you don’t even mind standing out in the cold
Cuz it’s the easiest way for you to keep what you hold
But I’ll hang on and I’ll start to learn
That my hands will hurt until I get rope burn
And things have changed
And you’ve got to take it day by day
It has to happen this way
But it’s the start of something great
With a new timeline!
And it’s OK
You will learn to deal with what comes next
It’s the start of something great with a brand new day.
You think you lost your love
But what do you expect when you push and shove pieces back into place
They’re not meant to be rearranged
But I’ll hang on and I will start to learn
That there’s no shame in getting a little rope burn
When you hang on so tight…
Just let it go…
This wind has a bitter chill
But you don’t even mind standing out in the cold
Cuz it’s the easiest way for you to keep what you hold
But I’ll hang on and I’ll start to learn
That my hands will hurt until I get rope burn
And things have changed
And you’ve got to take it day by day
It has to happen this way
But it’s the start of something great
With a new timeline!
And it’s OK
You will learn to deal with what comes next
It’s the start of something great with a brand new day.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 27
Despite illogical nature of their behavior, I experienced your hurt, anger, and frustration. Mine moved on too. Mine had the nerve to disrespectfully slur "you are SO not the girlfriend for me" on the phone one night before when broke up. When we broke up, I told him I wasn't the girlfriend for him. He would want a drunk, and I'm not a drunk.
It wasn't pretty, but I've learned there is no happy ending with an active alcoholic. Mine professed to love me, talked about our future, said a bunch of crap that would indicate he was in a serious relationship with me (1.5 years), and then he vanished. Eventually he sent a bunch of nonsensical texts and email ramblings...accepting no responsibility, not apologizing for his cowardly exit, and admitting nothing.
You are not alone. I have felt as you do. This time, I've managed to shorten the duration of my questioning and agony. Why? Because he did the same thing to me a year ago. Same exact friggin' thing.
They lie, they leave, they move on...because all they really care about is instant gratification and drinking.
I feel your pain...
It wasn't pretty, but I've learned there is no happy ending with an active alcoholic. Mine professed to love me, talked about our future, said a bunch of crap that would indicate he was in a serious relationship with me (1.5 years), and then he vanished. Eventually he sent a bunch of nonsensical texts and email ramblings...accepting no responsibility, not apologizing for his cowardly exit, and admitting nothing.
You are not alone. I have felt as you do. This time, I've managed to shorten the duration of my questioning and agony. Why? Because he did the same thing to me a year ago. Same exact friggin' thing.
They lie, they leave, they move on...because all they really care about is instant gratification and drinking.
I feel your pain...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 27
I thought about the "never enough" angle. I also think the reason my ex bought me so many gifts is that he just liked the high of shopping. The side benefit was it made him appear like a good, loving boyfriend. It wasn't about me.
I think mine was in love with acting in love. The reality is, just like someone above said, it's only easy to move on if you don't care that much in the first place.
I think mine was in love with acting in love. The reality is, just like someone above said, it's only easy to move on if you don't care that much in the first place.
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