FindingPeace1

Hey, all.
So, I have made my feelings, fears, concerns and needs clear to my AH (in emails because we can't talk through any of that).
He hasn't really responded.

Last night, my AH has acknowledged he did drink in response to "having a hard time" (aka depression) and its not a problem for him.
He won't acknowledge he lied and hid (and has done so for a long time). He remembers the day I confronted him about these issues as "the day I yelled and screamed at him". I remember it totally differently (and have the post I wrote just after he insisted it was "over" and marched out the door.)
He refuses to get help or change anything. He declines therapy.
He says he can stop without help.
I told him the only trouble with that is EVERY person struggling with alcohol thinks that. He said it was my choice to believe the literature over him. (true enough)

He says I won't let it go and move on.
He says I am just looking for excuses to leave.

I told him I was considering coming home (after this summer season of work away) just to pack.


He said that was awfully dramatic. I said I wanted to respect his perspective and can only say what I need to stay in a relationship.

I just read Women Who Love Too Much (ladies, this book rocks) and can see I am so one of those.
Often I don't know how I feel and what I want. I look to my partner/others to lead me or advise me.

So I feel strongly I know he has hid and lied in the past.
I feel strongly that he has indicated nothing will change.
We have serious blocks in communicating.
I know "you're only as sick as your secrets".
I feel I deserve to be honored with truth telling and growth in my marriage.
I am willing to leave to take care of myself.
I would also be willing to do therapy or support him in joining some sort of recovery group but he refuses both.

This is all growth for me and healthy growth.
The thing is, I feel so scared.
Scared that I am wrong.
Scared I am going to make a mistake.
Scared I will lose everything because I actually am wrong, judgmental, controlling and unfair (like he says).
Scared to hurt him.

I am trying to find ME and how I feel and what I want.
It's so easy to have it be all about him.
I know I am unhealthy, too, and I worry I am messing things up because I am afraid of intimacy or I'm afraid I'm not trying hard enough or giving up too easily. I am afraid I am pushing him away.

Lotsa fear.

I have a message in to a local therapist (a nearly 2 hr drive - but its worth it!), but I just wanted feedback from you.

Hugs,
Peace

nodaybut2day

Perhaps, at some point, there will come a time where you feel comfortable simply making a move (as in packing and leaving) without telling him, explaining to him, consulting him, etc. As an outsider looking in, I see that your contact with your AH leads nowhere really. It's just a circular discussion. I hope you get to the point where you see how unhealthy he is for you, and where you choose you over him, no matter what.

Scott1970

Your fear list is similar to mine. The last few days I realized that fear is not having faith. I lost someone very dear to me, who has been more than supportive, because of my fears. I can not let life pass me by bc of these fears.

Follow your faith and your heart!

aboutdone

Wow, that is pretty heavy thinking.

No one has the answer to what ifs. The unknown is very scary. However I do think it is a normal process for thinking.

I try to hold onto the beliefs that everything happens for a reason. The other idea I try to keep in my head, is that my HP has plans for me. Only my HP knows what that plan is.

I know that feeling too well, of am I making the right decision.

When I filed for divorce from XRAH I was positive it was the right thing to do. Then he went to rehab, but the ball was already in motion. I continued it 2 times before I finally went through with the divorce. We finally divorced 5 months later. The morning of the court date for the finalization of the divorce, I literally bawled my butt off. I was so torn as if I was making the right decision. There were so many things to consider.

I didn't trust him.
I didn't want to give up my right to make my own decisions only for me.
I didn't want to give up my sole custody of my daughter.

I did want to trust him and his sobriety.
I did want to have a family with him, except wanted it healthy.
I acknowledged he went to rehab and was working a program.
I had worked on me.

I called my BF and she told me it was ok. If I could just accept that I filed for a reason. I had a lot of trust issues. I wasn't ready to step back into the marriage, then I was making the right move for me. She also stated people get remarried everyday. There is a time and place for everything.

I went through with the divorce. Here we are 8 months later, still piecing our lives back together. We are in a committed relationship, we live mostly as a family, and things are better now than they ever were previously. Nothing is perfect of course, we go to counseling and meetings. I still struggle a lot with trust issues.

Let go and let God is very powerful. It is also very hard to do at times. If you can stay focused on you, then things will be ok. You can not control how someone else responds or reacts to what you do. There was a reason you made the choices and statements you made. Stay focused on that. Trust in your HP.

LaTeeDa

Here's what I've learned in the past few years.

If you are waiting to 'overcome' your fears, you will be waiting forever. There never comes a point where you know for sure that you are doing the right thing and there will be no negative consequences. The choices are to remain stuck in fear, or move forward in spite of it. There isn't a choice of not being afraid.

You can, however, get to a point where you trust yourself to make the best decision you can, with the information you have available in the present moment. You can also be confident that the world will not end, you will be okay no matter what happens, and you can handle the consequences of your choices and make whatever decisions need to be made, both now and in the future.

Life is unpredictable. You never know ahead of time how things are going to turn out. Mistakes are only mistakes in hindsight, and from that perspective, they are life lessons. A life lived in fear is devoid of profound lessons.

L

Learn2Live

FindingPeace, honey, feel the fear and do it anyway. Trust your instincts and follow your heart. You know what is right for you; don't let someone else's words sway you.

whereisthisgoin

I think you know in your gut what the solution is and when the time is right, you will know. And I don't mean you won't be afraid, I mean you won't be able to take living with your AH anymore.

As a friend of mine says, "You'll know when you know. And no one can determine when that is, but you."

Thumper

I was afraid to do anything. I did not want to do anything unless I knew what the outcome would be, or more to the point - manipulate various factors until I was sure to get the outcome I wanted.

Eventually the fear of staying put, the fear of nothing changing, was worse then the fear of the unknown. I just have to trust in the next right thing, and then the next, and then the next.

stella27

How do you feel being away from him every day? Do you actively miss him? Wish he were there with you? Wish you were home with him? I would think this time apart might give you some clues about whether he is an indispensable part of your life - in which case you have to accept him like he is - hidden wine bottles and all.

FindingPeace1

Thanks, everybody.
Learn2LIve, I needed that "honey"!

I was needing to stop being strong for a minute. Does that make sense?
I know you all are right and I am not waiting. I am moving forward, for sure. I just needed to be small and scared for day.


About what I miss...I don't miss the stress and drama.
I do miss the old times.
It seems when I call, there is so much water under the bridge it is hard and that gets tiring. So I avoid calling too often.
I am in a really great place full of lovely people doing a job I love...so...I'm pretty content.
Today is my day off and I decided to do journaling, laundry, allow myself to feel however I feel...
I am sad.
In my job, I work with people all day and have my happy, helpful ranger face on. In a way, it keeps me appreciative of the good and in a positive space. In a way, it keeps me from being present to my sad.
It is quite something to hold the sad and disappointment and loss and excitement for the future possibilities and appreciation of the present - all at once. It's ALL true!!
Minute by minute I keep moving forward.

I guess I was looking for "those are normal feelings" and "keep trusting yourself" and "you will survive this."
I guess I need to tell myself that.

Peace

coffeedrinker

Hey Finding,

you ARE fine. you ARE normal. it's ok. you have your ranger face on all day long, you need someplace safe to go to, to let down, to let it out.

we're here for you.

FindingPeace1

Thanks.
Reading your wise replies on this board reminds me
This is simple. Life can be simple.

Life is as it is.
I choose things or not.
Life is good to me.
I can keep moving forward toward things that bring me joy.
I can let go of anything that doesn't serve to bring me vitality.
I can live in appreciation and peace.
Sadness and loss is okay to feel. It won't kill me.
I am safe and enough.
I trust myself and my instincts.
I am worth it.

peace

Freedom1990

This really jumped out at me. It is okay to feel, and the only way to get past the feelings is to walk through them.

Leading a simple life is such joy.

I get up in the mornings, let the dogs out, and make coffee.

My puppy, baby Ku'a, is always full of face kisses after she's gone out to do her business.

I sit in my home office, read my meditations, and sip my coffee.

The house is quiet, and when I say quiet, I refer to no more insanity of active alcoholism in my home.

I am still discovering who I am, and probably will be till the day I die.

I promise you, this business of recovery for us is worth it.

stella27

I learned on this board the necessity of just feeling the sadness and loss. I also learned that they are just feelings and they won't kill me - but if I ignore them, I act out in other ways - I snap at people I love; I yell at the dogs; I am short with the children.

I need to feel the sadness and loss just like I need enough sleep and enough time alone and need my friends. Without giving them their due, I don't function well at all.

Give yourself an hour or so to feel bad - then go enjoy your day off.

coffeedrinker

Yeah! And ya know what I have discovered? That when I give in to those sad feelings, like today on the way home I had a little cry in the car, they seem to sort of evaporate!

What an affirmation this thread has become.

FreeingMyself

Anvil - I loved your first post! Oh how I can see myself and my relationship in your words when you stated being at a stalemate with the same issues and noone is budging. This is exactly how I feel...thank you for that today I needed a little reality check!!

HealingWillCome

The fear you expressed made me think of Joyce Meyers who wrote this in Never Give Up!:

"Fear is crippling because it holds people back from acting on their desires, and it will certainly hinder you from fulfilling your destiny...This fear is especially active in us when we think of doing something we have never done before. We are afraid we will fail, so we fail to try."

Joyce is known for her saying, "Do it afraid." Don't give in to the fear you are facing...do it afraid!

Learn2Live

I learned long ago how important it is to step out of your comfort zone on your own. Because if you wait too long to do that for yourself, the universe may do it for you in a more violent manner than is comfortable. I know when this has happened to someone on SR, especially if I hear them say, "everything I believed in was a lie." Those kinds of words bring back such painful memories.

I know there is strength in you that you have not yet harnessed. I think the only way to it is to just get thru this one little baby step at a time. Isn't it nice, though, to have support? I am grateful for that here at SR and happy to give it when I can.

Hope you are doing well FindingPeace.

FindingPeace1

I AM doing well.
Moving forward. Lots of job apps in all sorts of places.
Keeping possibilities open.
Getting excited about future adventures.
Feeling my feelings.

I just visited a new therapist here; work provides 6 free sessions, so that's good.

Hugs,
Peace

FindingPeace1

oh, hey...an interesting observation.
I have made friends with TWO different socially distant, emotionally unavailable nice/neutral guys this summer (no romantic anything!).
I am just observing my attraction to that feeling sense of my dad/mom.
Maybe with these new guys I can finally redeem my lost relationship to my dad! Maybe I can conquer them and get them to open up!
Maybe I can rescue them...

All of this I have been exploring recently!
Thank goodness I can see it now.
Now I just have to work on letting go of playing that scenario out any more in my life!

Peace