AH is getting really bad and threatening his job
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 66
AH is getting really bad and threatening his job
Actually stbxah. He is out of control telling me that if he can't drive that he won't work anymore. I ignore it. He started in tonight how if he can't get a car, he won't work. That if I don't help him get a car and his license, he will just not go to work.
I know there is nothing I can do, but it is a perfectly good job. You can smell the beer off his skin.
His thinking is so warped it is uncomfortable to be around. I sold the truck. Woo hoo!! He is looking for trucks....and is being unreasonable. That he can't drive a beat up truck, he can't drive a whatever model, nothing under the year 2000...just crazy talk. I am ignoring it, but it is so hard. That he needs at least $2000 or $3000 for a used car.
Tonight I sat in the backyard and he comes out...his sponsor called him and he turned his phone off. I just looked at him when he told me who it was and then he went off about how his sponsor has too many problems, blah blah.
He can not see reality to save his life.
Sometime this week or next the paperwork will come finalizing our divorce. His sense of entitlement is scary and I'm actually afraid to give it to him because he will just probably quit that day or who knows.
I know there is nothing I can do, but it is a perfectly good job. You can smell the beer off his skin.
His thinking is so warped it is uncomfortable to be around. I sold the truck. Woo hoo!! He is looking for trucks....and is being unreasonable. That he can't drive a beat up truck, he can't drive a whatever model, nothing under the year 2000...just crazy talk. I am ignoring it, but it is so hard. That he needs at least $2000 or $3000 for a used car.
Tonight I sat in the backyard and he comes out...his sponsor called him and he turned his phone off. I just looked at him when he told me who it was and then he went off about how his sponsor has too many problems, blah blah.
He can not see reality to save his life.
Sometime this week or next the paperwork will come finalizing our divorce. His sense of entitlement is scary and I'm actually afraid to give it to him because he will just probably quit that day or who knows.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
sounds like quacking to me. mine used to say all sorts of things, he was going to get a car, he was going to move to ireland, he was going to get a caravan and live simple...
he did none of those things.
i think he really believed he was going to, but the drink always came first and then there was no more money.
glad you sold the truck!
hang in there and blank his noise on the truck. it'll be over soon and then he can do whatever he wants.
as for his job, if it was me, i wouldn't get involved. the family doesn't benefit much from his job anyway and if he quits his job, then it'll be his problem once the divorce is thru.
it's ridiculous, actually. what kind of man doesn't contribute to supporting his family? and threatens his wife who is paying the mortgage in full?
sometimes, i feel we get so used to crumbs, that are own sense of reality gets warped.
don't give in! no compromise!
naive
naive
he did none of those things.
i think he really believed he was going to, but the drink always came first and then there was no more money.
glad you sold the truck!
hang in there and blank his noise on the truck. it'll be over soon and then he can do whatever he wants.
as for his job, if it was me, i wouldn't get involved. the family doesn't benefit much from his job anyway and if he quits his job, then it'll be his problem once the divorce is thru.
it's ridiculous, actually. what kind of man doesn't contribute to supporting his family? and threatens his wife who is paying the mortgage in full?
sometimes, i feel we get so used to crumbs, that are own sense of reality gets warped.
don't give in! no compromise!
naive
naive
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Remind me again...you're financially independant from this "man"?
In any case, this is entirely his choice. If you are dependent on him, then it's time to figure out how not to be, since being at the mercy of this person's unpredictable whims can't be good for you. If you're not dependent on him, then who cares what he does with his job.
You're doing a fantastic job detaching from all this, as hard as it may be. Keep your eye on the ball...you're almost there!
In any case, this is entirely his choice. If you are dependent on him, then it's time to figure out how not to be, since being at the mercy of this person's unpredictable whims can't be good for you. If you're not dependent on him, then who cares what he does with his job.
You're doing a fantastic job detaching from all this, as hard as it may be. Keep your eye on the ball...you're almost there!
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Well, it is never them or their responcibility............. he is manipulting the situation to TRY and make you feel like you are responcible. He is a grown up, if he wants a lic. or a truck he can go buy one. He does not need you to do that. 
Stay strong, keep your boundries (((()))
Stay strong, keep your boundries (((()))
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 66
My paycheck pays the mortgage. I work PT and he works FT. I use my to pay the mortgage. His paycheck pays the expenses. So I suppose I am financially dependent on him.
In our divorce paperwork, I should get enough to make up the difference. That coupled with what I make, will keep me afloat until I can find another job.
However, my gut tells me that he won't contribute. He already months ago when I begged him to leave and take a paycheck with him and he could find a place to live and drink all he wants, just please be away from the kids...he said unless he could have all his money and find a place where he can afford everything like we have here he isn't leaving or he'll quit his job.
He is so far gone. Technically, I get both cars and when I sold the truck, I gave him money for when he gets a car. I'm thinking I shouldn't do that??? I mean, technically the cars are mine since he hasn't been able to drive for a year. I am just waiting for the judge to agree. Maybe I should keep that money in case he doesn't pay CS?
But if I do that, then he will flip out and maybe it is easier to just give him it so I don't have to deal with him.
In our divorce paperwork, I should get enough to make up the difference. That coupled with what I make, will keep me afloat until I can find another job.
However, my gut tells me that he won't contribute. He already months ago when I begged him to leave and take a paycheck with him and he could find a place to live and drink all he wants, just please be away from the kids...he said unless he could have all his money and find a place where he can afford everything like we have here he isn't leaving or he'll quit his job.
He is so far gone. Technically, I get both cars and when I sold the truck, I gave him money for when he gets a car. I'm thinking I shouldn't do that??? I mean, technically the cars are mine since he hasn't been able to drive for a year. I am just waiting for the judge to agree. Maybe I should keep that money in case he doesn't pay CS?
But if I do that, then he will flip out and maybe it is easier to just give him it so I don't have to deal with him.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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He is going to do whatever he is going to do. You can't stop him.
The only thing you can do is protect yourself and your children as much as possible. If it were me, I would get the divorce final ASAP. That way, you have enforceable terms, whether he quits his job or not. He will have to petition to get it changed. And even if he does quit, he will still owe CS. Collecting it, however, could be difficult.
I would not give him the money from the truck. He has made it clear that his intention is to be a dead-beat dad. Why would you give him money after that?
Once the divorce is final, you can look at your options. That could mean refinance, sell the house, or get another job. Every step you take to remove him from having any power over you financially is a step toward peace.
L
The only thing you can do is protect yourself and your children as much as possible. If it were me, I would get the divorce final ASAP. That way, you have enforceable terms, whether he quits his job or not. He will have to petition to get it changed. And even if he does quit, he will still owe CS. Collecting it, however, could be difficult.
I would not give him the money from the truck. He has made it clear that his intention is to be a dead-beat dad. Why would you give him money after that?
Once the divorce is final, you can look at your options. That could mean refinance, sell the house, or get another job. Every step you take to remove him from having any power over you financially is a step toward peace.
L
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 66
I filed the judgment 2 weeks ago...so the clerk said the judge should sign it in 3 to 4 weeks. So I am guessing it will come this week or next week, unless there is something wrong with it.
You are right, he has made it clear he intends not to pay and refuses to leave. Just Friday he was saying he was going to collect unemployment so he doesn't have to ride his bike to work.
I was thinking for someone who is still drinking and has 2 duis, it wasn't wise for me to give them money. But then it was easier, because then I didn't have to deal with him. Plus, it keeps him peaceful. He is so angry these days and mean.
You are right, he has made it clear he intends not to pay and refuses to leave. Just Friday he was saying he was going to collect unemployment so he doesn't have to ride his bike to work.
I was thinking for someone who is still drinking and has 2 duis, it wasn't wise for me to give them money. But then it was easier, because then I didn't have to deal with him. Plus, it keeps him peaceful. He is so angry these days and mean.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 66
I don't know why I need help about this, just shows how messed up I must be....so if I take the money back (which is just sitting in our kitchen recipe box) and he asks about it, what do I say?
Do I say that you are threatening to quit your job and I need to make sure the mortgage gets paid?
He absolutely feels and thinks he is entitled to a car. He thinks we sold HIS truck.
Do I say that you are threatening to quit your job and I need to make sure the mortgage gets paid?
He absolutely feels and thinks he is entitled to a car. He thinks we sold HIS truck.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Yes, we often go the route of "easier".
I would not give anything to this guy, whether you're trying to keep peace or not. I know, easier said than done, but, he has already revealed himself to be a hostile player.
Your car, your paycheck. You need to do everything in your power to assist that time when he is gone physically.
I hope there is an option in your state (are you U.S?) that you can register with, so that his C.Support is taken right out of his check and sent to you via the state. That is what MN does. Otherwise, you will have to do your best w/out his financial support, and keep track, so that you can file a judgement against him down the road.
I would not give anything to this guy, whether you're trying to keep peace or not. I know, easier said than done, but, he has already revealed himself to be a hostile player.
Your car, your paycheck. You need to do everything in your power to assist that time when he is gone physically.
I hope there is an option in your state (are you U.S?) that you can register with, so that his C.Support is taken right out of his check and sent to you via the state. That is what MN does. Otherwise, you will have to do your best w/out his financial support, and keep track, so that you can file a judgement against him down the road.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Your proposed answer sounds great. This might also work.
"The mortgage needs paying and you're not going to do it."
The shorter the better. Say it once and then don't say it again.
As for his sense of entitlement, I know it BOGGLES the mind but he can stuff it where the sun don't shine. Ignore it and move on.
"The mortgage needs paying and you're not going to do it."
The shorter the better. Say it once and then don't say it again.
As for his sense of entitlement, I know it BOGGLES the mind but he can stuff it where the sun don't shine. Ignore it and move on.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
This guy really hates riding his bike, doesn't he? What a baby. Or, rather, what a sign of someone who is fighting tooth and nail to deny his situation.
Your priority now is you and the kids. Forget about fairness and think about being equitable i.e. who needs how much for what purpose. So, keep the money and get it somewhere he can't touch it. Some people more sneaky than me would get someone you trust to hold onto it for now.
Hang in there - this part is nearly over.
Your priority now is you and the kids. Forget about fairness and think about being equitable i.e. who needs how much for what purpose. So, keep the money and get it somewhere he can't touch it. Some people more sneaky than me would get someone you trust to hold onto it for now.
Hang in there - this part is nearly over.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I'd keep the money, it was your truck, and, you will need the money to stay afloat until you find that FT job.
If he does not pay his child support, you have legal remedies, and, I would use what ever is available to me, for my children.
In the meantime, he will keep a quack'n, it's all in the game they play.
If he does not pay his child support, you have legal remedies, and, I would use what ever is available to me, for my children.
In the meantime, he will keep a quack'n, it's all in the game they play.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Originally Posted by anvilhead 
NO works pretty well too!!!
couple questions...how long is he going to keep staying there?
and do you often keep an abundance of cash in the recipe box????
you are in a situation where you really need to clamp down on income and expenses....you have bills and responsibilities that are not going to go away...nor are you likely to get any spontaneous help from your STBX....so no, he doesn't just get money to buy a truck or a lawn mower or a rocket ship....that is not a priority. and right now you need to be all about priorities...
if there is a stipulation for spousal support in the divorce decree and he defaults, you have legal measures at your avail. from here on out, HE is on his own...no further support or enabling on your part!!!! you just fired yourself from that job!!!
couple questions...how long is he going to keep staying there?
and do you often keep an abundance of cash in the recipe box????
you are in a situation where you really need to clamp down on income and expenses....you have bills and responsibilities that are not going to go away...nor are you likely to get any spontaneous help from your STBX....so no, he doesn't just get money to buy a truck or a lawn mower or a rocket ship....that is not a priority. and right now you need to be all about priorities...
if there is a stipulation for spousal support in the divorce decree and he defaults, you have legal measures at your avail. from here on out, HE is on his own...no further support or enabling on your part!!!! you just fired yourself from that job!!!
My plan was to one day this week or next bring up the underwear and texts and tell him he cheated on me and to leave. To tell him the divorce is going to be final and I am done.
He refused to answer the divorce papers and will say "do what you have to do" when referring to me being attached to him legally. So who knows what he will do.
For now, he has been contributing his part, except for dui fees and dui school payments and train. Plus, he lives here still and won't leave, so he should pay for expenses.
But once he gets the final paperwork, he will keep his paycheck. I know that. He has stolen reimbursement checks before and hidden them from me. Plus, he has said he will quit his job if he has to pay me any money (that could just be because he drinks though).
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And child support officially starts July 1st but like I said, my old sponsor had told me that I won't see a dime.
Oh, and the truck was sold because we had 2 cars. One was the truck he drove to get his second DUI in and the other is the one I am driving. I can not drive 2 cars and he couldn't drive a car for 1 year. The last weekend he took the truck with no license and no insurance on it.
When he drives again, he will be getting a car that doesn't cover accidents for his car...only insurance to protect others. So I figured why have him driving around in a several thousand dollar car when he has already totaled one. I'd rather have some of the money and use the rest and he can buy a beater.
Oh, and the truck was sold because we had 2 cars. One was the truck he drove to get his second DUI in and the other is the one I am driving. I can not drive 2 cars and he couldn't drive a car for 1 year. The last weekend he took the truck with no license and no insurance on it.
When he drives again, he will be getting a car that doesn't cover accidents for his car...only insurance to protect others. So I figured why have him driving around in a several thousand dollar car when he has already totaled one. I'd rather have some of the money and use the rest and he can buy a beater.
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
Your proposed answer sounds great. This might also work.
"The mortgage needs paying and you're not going to do it."
"The mortgage needs paying and you're not going to do it."
End of story.
Don't even bring mention of him to it.
Very short and simple.
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Posts: 2,126
Hey Pear123 ---
You've mentioned Child Support a few times in your posts, but I also noticed that anvilhead mentioned Spousal Support, too. Granted, you'll probably not see a dime for either, it's good to ask for both.
Remember, Spousal Support is the money you need to help YOU to exist (I'm betting your P/T job money won't cover all you need to live in a manor to which you've become accustomed---rent (mortgage), monthly bills (electric, gas, phone, whatever), food, and what-not.
Child Support is the additional money you need to be able to support your child [like the difference between rent for a one bedroom for your needs and a two bedroom because you have a child; same for food---food for one; food for two). Child Support is also usually figured out by some 'State-figured' formula---working out what is necessary for the child's support and then usually halving it (sometimes 60/40 or some other percentages); obviously the person paying the Child Support is not required to pay 100% of the child's support (although some folks think this should be the case); both parents are responsible for their share......
Anyway, just wanted to remind you, regardless of whether you'll ever see a dime, that if you haven't, and still can, try to add your own Spousal Support money request in your papers...... (o:
NoelleR
You've mentioned Child Support a few times in your posts, but I also noticed that anvilhead mentioned Spousal Support, too. Granted, you'll probably not see a dime for either, it's good to ask for both.
Remember, Spousal Support is the money you need to help YOU to exist (I'm betting your P/T job money won't cover all you need to live in a manor to which you've become accustomed---rent (mortgage), monthly bills (electric, gas, phone, whatever), food, and what-not.
Child Support is the additional money you need to be able to support your child [like the difference between rent for a one bedroom for your needs and a two bedroom because you have a child; same for food---food for one; food for two). Child Support is also usually figured out by some 'State-figured' formula---working out what is necessary for the child's support and then usually halving it (sometimes 60/40 or some other percentages); obviously the person paying the Child Support is not required to pay 100% of the child's support (although some folks think this should be the case); both parents are responsible for their share......
Anyway, just wanted to remind you, regardless of whether you'll ever see a dime, that if you haven't, and still can, try to add your own Spousal Support money request in your papers...... (o:
NoelleR
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