transformyself

Man just reading about your situation makes my skin crawl. You're doing fantastic, especially considering you're still living with the lunatic in the hall.
The only advice I have about this one is that if you choose to bring up his affair, don't attach it to ANY amount of sane conversation. He will deny, blame you, etc. So if you engage in a "I know you did this because of this" conversation, it's just more crazy making. I wouldn't bring up anything about it at all, you'll get no satisfaction, no answers, no apologies. I'm sorry Pear.

Can't you just say something along the lines of, "well we're divorced. You need to leave now."

pear123

Because I don't want blood on my hands, figuratively speaking. For e.g. when I filed for divorce, I felt like "I" was ending our marriage. If I have to call the Sheriff, then it feels like I am kicking him out. I am always the one who is acting. He does nothing.

In September, we moved out for about 5 days...the kids and I. Stayed at my mom's and he just sat there and drank the entire time, didn't even feed the animals. Come Monday when it was time for him to go to work and I wanted the house back, he refused to even go to work and just sat in the bed. My dad had to come over. My dad drove him to a motel because I said he couldn't stay here.

I have asked him almost every month to leave. I offered him to take his paycheck and then that is when he said if he can't have all his paychecks, he isn't leaving. I have told him I'd drive him to leave and then he can drink all he wants.

On my 6 year old's birthday I told him to please leave. To stay with his sister. He said that wouldn't work.

infiniti

I'm new here, and don't want to speak out of turn, but pear, it's ok that YOU are doing all the acting. Most of the time, the non-addict is the one who HAS to do all the acting, because the addict is only consumed with themselves.

You need to do what is best for yourself and your children, and stop being concerned with him and his feelings and his desires.

If you haven't yet, please consider going to an Al-Anon meeting to learn how to start taking care of YOU first and foremost. Because if you can't take care of yourself, you can't take care of those kids.

Let HIM worry about him. His addiction is his problem, and the consequences of his addiction are his problem. The figurative (and any literal) blood will be on his hands, not yours.

Kjell

It sounds like you are taking steps towards seperating yourself and your children from your AH.

Good job.

transformyself

Pear I hope you're doing well today.

While reading your story, I had a vision of a tree falling into a house. The roof is bashed in. The rain comes in. Debris is everywhere. Once that tree stood tall over the yard, provided shade, a place for children to play and a home for many animals. Now it's dying atop the house, while the occupants of that house wonder what to do, overwhelmed by the devestation. They wish it weren't there and wonder how to get it off the house and repair the roof. It seems like an impossible task.

Yes, I know what is left of this man used to be your husband. But he's not anymore. He's not your husband any more than that tree can house squirrels or shade the yard from the sun. It's just resting in the hole it created when it fell.

I also at time reject and resent my responsibilities now that I"m a single parent. But reality is, if I don't do it, it doesn't get done and that can get ugly fast. In time you may learn how strong you are, that you CAN do everything on your own. I hope so.

Get that tree off your roof. Patch up the hole. You can cry for it later, when the rain doesn't pour in the house anymore and the kids are safe.


Love, Transform

nodaybut2day

Pear...it sounds like you won't have a choice to act, in the end. From reading your post, your AH sounds like he's just immobile in his depression, and if you play nice guy, you'll never be free of him.

Sometimes you *have* to don the B*tch Mantle because there's no other choice. I too tried to be Ms. Nice Gal and it got me nowhere. All XAH did was fight me with all his might. When I turned "nasty" (and believe me I sat here on SR, wringing my hands about it), I got what I needed to free myself of him.

Thumper

Great post and I love this line. It captures so much. I'm going to remember it and the visual it brings me.

Pear, I'm thinking of you and going to send you some cyber strength. I had a passive aggressive husband like that too. Everything was such a fight. Hang in there. It was all worth it. FWIW I regret not doing whatever I needed to get him out quicker, but he turned rather ugly in the end. An ugliness I wish one my children had been spared.

Each day brings you closer to the end of this chapter, and the beginning of a new (and better) one. Strength sometimes seems to be scarce but draw from that realization. There is an end in sight.. You'll get there.

LaTeeDa

FWIW, I have found that almost all the unhealthy behaviors I developed were those role-modeled for me by my codependent mother.

What does it teach your children when you will not remove an abusive, out-of-control alcoholic from your home because you don't want "blood on your hands?" For me, it taught me that wives were subservient, men were powerful, even when they were behaving unacceptably. It taught me that women have to put up with arrogant, selfish jerks in order to be "loved."

I wish my mother would have set a different example for me to follow. You have that opportunity with your children. Will you take it?

L

pear123

Well, I thought I was doing pretty well, divorcing him and all. Even once the paperwork is signed (which is this week or next) I still have to wait 30 days for him to legally be forced to move out.

I mean, if he won't leave, then I have to leave...which really stinks and I should haven't to pack up and move my kids, animals, and I. I didn't do this. He did.

LaTeeDa

You ARE doing great! If you have to wait 30 days, then you have to wait. But, NO, you shouldn't have to pack up and move, and YES he did this.

So, if it takes police officers to get his toxic butt out of your house, that's what it takes. You said yourself--HE did this, you didn't. Getting him out is not "blood on your hands," it's an accomplishment to be proud of!

L

Bolina

pear, I know this bit is really tough. Doing the "consequence" part of boundaries usually is hard. As I've said before, when you have to enforce consequences, the results aren't always very pretty.

Have you contacted any local DV organisations to see if they have any ideas? I am sure they have seen this scenario many times.

Daisy30

You are doing well! I wanted my AH out of the house too. I thought that he should leave, after all there was one of him and 4 of us. That plan didn't work, so I + 3 kids left. We moved into a small apartment, it wasn't the greatest, but we were safe. Now we live in a house on a quiet street, with a yard. The house isn't as nice as the "old" one, but it doesn't bother me a bit....I love this house and the freedom it represents

You may want have a back up plan if you can't get him to leave. Also, his behaviors may escalate when he finds out about the divorce.
Here is some good advice that was given to me when I was leaving my AH:
I would have a change of clothes for you and the kids (diapers if you have little ones ) in a bag in the trunk of the car. This way if you notice him becoming volitile you can make a quick exit. It wouldn't hurt to get the DV # programed into your phone just in case you need a place to stay.