more jacked up about fathers day than I anticipated
 

Not about my AH, the kids are with him having a ball.

But I REALLY had a hard time not posting Madonnas video, "Oh Father" on my facebook page today. Really. I mean, I even posted it and took it off immediatly. Look it up, it's perfect. And heart wrenching. Can I post it here? I know there are rules about what we can and can't post, I'll do it and if it needs to be removed, just lemme know.

I've had to quit my therapy due to finances. It cost $70 a pop and she said we coudlnt' continue until I was more stable. Isn't that funny? You're too effed up to do therapy.

But I do understand, with EMDR you dig up all sorts of crap to reprocess it and I don't know where I'm going to be living that's got me all jacked up.

Anyway, my father is an abusive alcoholic, I've essentially cut off all contact, but now that he's old and wants a relationship with the kids, I"m suppose to forgive him and let everything go. He's a screaming alcoholic. Probably has PTSD himself, based on his actions throughout my life, but the thing i'm most angry about is how he screwed me up!! I passed that onto my children, haven't been the best parent. Yes, I'm working to change it, yes I am responsible for my own recovery and actions but seriously--before I reached that level of consciousness where I KNEW I was screwed up and KNEW I was screwing up my kids, I did the same kind of damage to them that he did to me.

I don't know if this is making any sense. I'm just angry and sad today. *******.

YouTube - Madonna - Oh Father (Video)

I realize you probably don't want to hear this, but forgiveness is the way out of your pain. Forgiving yourself for not doing better when you didn't know better. And, yes, forgiving your father, too. I know you probably feel he doesn't deserve to be forgiven, but it's not for him, it's for YOU.

And I hope you do something nice for yourself today. :)

L

Thanks LTD. I do forgive him in many ways, but can't have a relationship with him. He hasn't changed. Plus, the only way out of this pain is to have my PTSD triggers "cleaned up" by the magical EMDR thingy, I"m still traumatized by him and have to stay away. God I hate having PTSD, hate the freaking drugs they give me for it, have really been thinking about filing for disability, like my therapist recommended.

Oh, and thank you for the reminder to forgive myself. I used to be better at that...

I think you're doing great. We all have setbacks, and lots of times holidays knock us around a bit. Harriet Lerner has some great books on dealing with family of origin issues and lingering trauma. You might try to find "The Dance of Anger"

Her books aren't new, so can probably be found really cheap. :) Might give you something to chew on till you can start up therapy again.

Now, what was that nice thing you were going to do for Transform today?

L

The Dance Of Anger? Are you kidding me?? You know me LTD, I can be a total jerk, one angry woman. I better get that book and fast. Hope it doesn't pi$$ me off!

Ah. Ok, today I"m going to walk the dogs, clean out the damn fridge and get those graphics for the paper that I've been putting off. How's that?

Just being able to express your feelings so clearly, is evidence that you are continuing to heal.

I didn't have a relationship with my mom for 10 years, she is the "A" in my family, I took years and years of her abuse, then I cracked, I turned and walked out out the door, and, let her go. It was by far the most peaceful adult years of my life. I had no contact, none. I healed, then I forgave, we have had a relationship for the last 6 years, she knows my bounderies, and does test me once and awhile, but, never crosses the line. She learned, that I say what I mean and mean what I say!

Try and enjoy your day,

Dolly

LTD - I did walk the doggies, while my littlest guy rode his bike. That was good for me, all though walking three chihuahuas is not exactly relaxing..