LaTeeDa

Wow! This guy has really done a number on you. Now, he has you believing that YOU drove him to drink.

He sounds very manipulative and controlling from what you have posted. I think one day you will be glad it ended before it got worse.

As to how you can heal and move on, there are tons of resources. You are here, so you've already found one of them. Also, I think you said you had a counselor, that's a good step. Although, it seems so far you have focused on HIM in your counseling sessions. I think you will get more out of it if you focus on you. Many people find Al-anon to be very helpful. Also, no contact helps when you are trying to sort things out and find some clarity. Especially when the A you are involved with is charming and manipulative--and he sounds like he is.

Up in the stickies, there are a couple of threads about books and reading recommendations. You may find something that helps you there, too.

Most of all, realize that this is not something that is going to get better with a snap of your fingers. It takes time and persistence.

L

Freedom1990

You've made his life immensely better by picking up the garbage bag full of guilt he didn't want and he tossed it at you. Sad thing is it isn't your garbage, but you've chosen to hold on to it for now.

I hope you get to the point you can throw that bag back where it really belongs.

LaTeeDa

You didn't confirm a thing--except that he's removed the booze from his house. And that goes right along with that little hook he threw out for you about how he hasn't been drinking.

Do you really believe a leopard just up and changes it's spots like that?

L

wicked

gingercharlie,

do you really believe you drove him to drink? really?
that you are oh so powerful, that the mere thought of you makes your boyfriend drink?
wow.
i am a recovering alcoholic, no one on this earth or on any other plane of existence drove me to drink.
what drove me to drink is me. me and only me. and i was the only one who could stop it.
only me.

if you drove him to drink with your almighty power, then why doesnt it work in reverse?
when you wanted him to stop? when you said you didnt like it?
why does it never work in reverse?

Beth

trying to remind you, the only person you have control over is you. only you.

coffeedrinker

If there is ONE THING you can take away from this board - and I'm fairly certain that most would agree - is that you remove yourself from the driver's seat of his addiction.

It's one thing to tick someone off, it's one thing to do something mean to another person, it's one thing to be a negative force in someone's life....but you absolutely cannot take responsibility for his alcoholism.

Remember, we're not talking about someone who got upset and did one or two out-of-character, destructive things. Who said "oops, I put my fist through the wall cuz I was so angry, or ate two whole bags of Cheetos; sorry I lost control." We're talking about someone who deals with the challenges and pain of life by escape via drug use.

Please, GC, hear what I'm saying

(bashing done entirely good-naturedly)

gingercharlie

I guess what I'm thinking is, is that I'm a trigger.

That he could be a perfectly fine moderate drinker, and then I came along, and he was like, "Ugh, gotta escape for a bit" and reached for the bottle.

Sometimes I wonder if it's habitual, rather than a disease. For him, anyway.



BTW - thank you to EVERYONE who's been responding to me. You all are literally the only thing keeping me sane right now.

spinwc

Ginger-Everything is a trigger for an addict. Any excuse to drink-they do it. And even if they dont have an excuse-they do it.

Paintbaby

Are relationships possible? Yes, but both people have to want to be there in it. If one doesn't, then the whole thing falls apart. There is no relationship anymore.

Now, a relationship with an alcoholic? Sure, it's possible, but it requires a great deal of settling, heartbreak, and compromise of the spirit for the one who isn't an alcoholic. Which, when you think about it, isn't much of a realtionship at all--where the hell is the "relating" part in all that?

wicked

oh, i do see how you would feel that way. yep. been there.
but, it is not personal. not to you. it could be any number of things.
i drank because i had to escape, because that is what alcoholics do,
not for any other reason, no matter how much i tried to put it on someone else.
every beer i picked up was a deliberate decision to continue to drink.

you cannot be his trigger, nor can you be his savior.
sigh......
i was married to one too ginger.
and i (even though my head knew better by the time i got sober) still believed he could stop with the right threat, words, prayers, screaming, crying, bargaining.
none of that mattered. it never does.
he has to want it.
and one day, you will see that you deserve so much more than someone who can't take responsibility for his own elbow bending.
he feels since he held back "for you" that he is "owed" a big drunk the next day.
sadly, i understand this too, and this is not a moderate drinker.
he is an alcoholic.
and he is very smart and manipulative.
you are a very bright woman, that does show, emotionally you have been in a trainwreck.
it might take a little while and some help to get back on your feet, and get balanced, become complete on your own.
you can do it.
i did.
:ghug3

gingercharlie

That made me chuckle! Thanks for that.

Yup, that I have!!

dkaye26

It's the weekend. They absolutely suck. I was terribly depressed today.

I have to tell myself that I am going through withdrawal. My gut told me that the situation was intolerable. The gut doesn't lie. My guy was financially secure and the whole 9 yards too. Still, there was an underlying, and growing, lack of respect for me. My ex knows he has issues, he just isn't willing to confront them. He pushed me away b/c I'm a reminder of the problem.

Just keep posting on weekends. Believe me, I don't want to be alone on weekends. I DID get myself back the second half of last year. And then I let him back in the door, and then I believed all his gestures and words, and then I saw little signs of concern but ignored them because I didn't want "the problem" to be real, and then he left me again...just like a year ago.

I still know who I am. Now I KNOW who he is...and he knows I know...and he doesn't want to deal with it. That's just me and my story. I guess every story is different.

Learn2Live

Ginger,
Have you gone to an Al-Anon meeting yet? You really should.

Summerpeach

Ginger. in my two al anon groups, there are men/women who stayed with their active addicts. Two things happened, their addicts got into a recovery program once they saw their partner detach and change, and others continued to drink and the person learned to just accept their loved-ones addiction,

The sad faces I see in Al Anon are the ones who stayed with an active addict. Staying means going against who you are and what you believe.
But these are very few. I've seen many many many success stories in the rooms of Al Anon and AA about recovery.

Your ex is certainly an addict and you certainly did not make him drink. Sure you may have triggered him, but every and anything triggers an addict.
They cannot deal with any form of reality.

Like Learn said above, get into Al Anon. In that room, you will feel like you're "home" with others who speak your exact same language.

Your ex may or may not come around, but he seems flakey (I won't say a$$hole) and you may want to take a look at that.
Addicts can and are also codependents and it sounds like he was hoping you would fill his deep hole. In "normal" relationships, people don't move in together (sleeping over every night at his house all the time) right away.

My ex was a serious drug addict and alcoholic and when he left me, I blamed me too. I would watch the show intervention and think I caused his abuse. I wanted to call him and tell him I was sorry and that I would try harder.
Was I ever in a cloud. Once he dumped me (after 3 yrs together), I went full NC and after a few months when the clouds passed, I was like "What was I thinking"

Let the clouds pass ok.....

wanting

I can relate a lot to the dynamic going on here. There was a certain easiness to my relationship with H, although it wasn't based on finances. He is not wealthy, but he has a very charming personality and he said and did all the right things to make me feel loved and beautiful, so that I really didn't have to feel that way from within. As long as he was there telling me that I was beautiful, smart, funny, kind, etc., I was able to feel that way about myself, and so my life was easy. But when he left, he took away all of the good things I felt about myself.

He also made it seem as though *I* was his big problem, and that if I had just done x, y, or z, or not done x, y, or z, we would still be together. I don't know about you, but for me this replicated feelings I had throughout my lifetime about why my dad left me. I was sort of conditioned to feel like I needed someone to fulfill me.

I definitely went through this same bargaining stage, where I was willing to basically behave perfectly if he'd take me back. Thank goodness he wasn't interested at that point. I would have been miserable. I would have been pathetic. I would have had to walk on eggshells and always wonder if he was going to leave.

I like to think that the universe had a role in all this. I was miserable in many ways. I lost myself, just like you did. But I never would have left him, so I think the universe worked it out so that he left me. It was all for my (and his) greater good.

I finally went no contact, after ignoring everyone's advice about that for months. I didn't see that every bit of contact with him made me 100 times weaker. It's just like being a drug addict. You long for contact, you know you shouldn't have contact, you slip up, it feels good for a moment, then it feels a billion times worse.

Go no contact and work through the hard part of that! If you screw up, try again. No contact is probably the best tool we have.