Are relationships even possible?

Old 06-19-2010, 06:23 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Did you think the big, decorated house was going to bring something into your life, or create a life for you, that you need to create for yourself?
Yes, I did.

He bought the house when we were together. He said that he bought it only because I had come into his life, he saw me as "The One", and reasoned that he wouldn't have bought it but for me, because what does a single guy need with a big 5 bedroom house (he upgraded from a nice condo)?

Here's the kicker. I'm not financially well off; I live paycheck to paycheck. He, on the other hand, has no concerns about money, and might even be described as rich. Everything has come so easy for him. And being with him, everything came easy to me too.

He let me walk through that house, and decorate it the way I wanted (keeping his taste in mind as well, everything was unisex). New couch, new tables, new dining set, new bed, new bathroom ensembles, even the entire workout room with fancy equipment and flatscreen on the wall... I picked it out, I designed it, and he paid.

We did it together, we were building a home together. It was all so.....effortless. Even being with him (absent when he'd be intoxicated), was effortless.

But none of it really felt "special." Maybe that's because it all came too easy.

And then it all left my life really easily too. And now? It all feels really special. Like, that was the life we built. It meant something to me.
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Old 06-19-2010, 06:25 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Pull yourself together girl. NEVER act like this with a man. Hold your head high. What kind of man would want to be with a woman who grovels like that? Not the kind of man who makes a good partner I can assure you.
I know, I know. I only begged the day-of the breakup... But then I cried in front of him a week later when I went to pick up my things... and then I broke down and sent him an email that said the equivalent of "I miss you" and "I'm lost without you." His response indicated he was feeling my absence too, but threw in that extra tidbit about NOT drinking (that I mentioned in another thread).

I should have known better than to let him see me feeling low. I suppose I thought allowing him to see what he had done to me would generate some empathy...
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Old 06-20-2010, 02:03 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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It's just 'stuff'. Are material posessions really worth that much to you? You've had a taste of the rich life - is that what you're missing rather than him?
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Old 06-20-2010, 06:13 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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GingerCharlie,

Do you want to know the biggest difference I see between YOU and HIM? YOU ARE COURAGEOUS!!! and he is not. Go back and read your posts, even just on this thread alone. Look at how much you are willing to SEE and accept and share about yourself! Do you see what you are doing here? You are looking at yourSELF and trying to make you better. Do you know how RARE that is in people? Seems like EVERYbody walks around in their own little world, justifying all their bad behavior and here you are, on a website, SHARING and admitting to who you are. In the raw. THAT takes courage and you, girl, should feel PROUD of this. Hold your head up high.

Don't get me wrong, I have BEEN you. I have cried, begged, groveled, ALL of that. I have been the most pitiful creature you could imagine. You would just shake your head and walk away wondering, "What the hell is WRONG with that girl?" So, I hope you know I am not judging you at all.

Now this:
Yes, I did.
is a HUGE clue for you!!! You are just TOO smart!! You ALREADY know what it is you want for your self and your life. He was just a means, an opportunity, through which you could accomplish what you wanted. OK, maybe he is cute or something but really, if you think about it, there is nothing really that special about this guy other than your feelings for him. It is all about YOU and trusting your instincts and following your heart. And I can assure you at my ripe old age of 42 LOL, having gone thru something like eight major relationships, that your feelings and tears and desires are about you, NOT HIM. The tears you shed for him are just misdirected tears you are truly shedding for yourself.

So guess what? When you have your dreams and desires HANDED to you, it does NOTHING for you. It's empty because you did not have to work for it and you did not grow from it. The idea in your brain was lovely, but the feeling you got in your gut was nil. Of course it didn't feel special, you are RIGHT, it came to easy. And really, there is so much more SUBSTANCE in life than decorations and furniture and a well-appointed home. Was your desire to do this because you wanted a well-appointed home to share with a man? Or was it because you are a born artist with a flair for decorating? Was the PROCESS of putting it all together what you enjoyed? Look for the REASON why you wanted to do this and re-discover your natural abilities and strengths. Look for YOUR STRENGTHS and your dreams in what you think you have lost. GingerCharlie, honey, NONE of it had ANYTHING to do with HIM--It was all about YOU from start to finish. You have to look past the pain, past what you see as a LOSS in your life, past the longing and desire and tears for HIM and find YOURSELF and your POWER. It is there, I assure you. But only you can find it.

Here is another HUGE clue for you:
I'm not financially well off; I live paycheck to paycheck.
You need to learn how to take care of yourself financially so that you do not have to rely on ANYONE. You see, in this relationship with this boy with deep pockets, you were dependent on his money to make you comfortable, yes? And the fact that he has so much money allows you to breathe a little easier and feel a little more carefree. Having been there, I understand, but have to tell you, there is no better feeling on earth than to KNOW you can support yourself, live comfortably, and not have to rely on ANYONE for your own life and maintenance. And then comes the part where you can afford to help out those less fortunate than you are. That is truly satisfying.

So, the lesson in this is, look at YOURSELF and figure out where to develop YOU so that you can stand on your own two financial feet. Do you need to get a degree? Do you need to change jobs or careers? Go to the library and check out some books on financial freedom for women. Google it. You will find all KINDS of information on how women can attain financial freedom. But it means first accepting 100% of the responsibility for yourself.
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Old 06-20-2010, 06:16 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Beautiful post, Learn
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Old 06-20-2010, 09:05 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Ginger,

Take a breather, take care of yourself. Of course you still feel like you need him right now--it is still raw and new. It WILL get better. And new things WILL come along.
I was involved with an addict with depression about 10 yrs ago...and I thought everything you thought, and felt everything you felt. When we broke up (he did the breaking up), I thought I couldn't go on. But I did. It was painful, difficult, and sad, but I did...and now I am much better off for it.
I'm not saying this is what you should do in your situation--everyone is different and this was my own personal experience--but I hope you'll take a break, a breather, process what you're feeling, and do what's best for you.
I personally think there are many, many people out there with whom we have the capability and potential to connect on deeper levels...just my $0.02.
Wishing you good thoughts and hugs.
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Old 06-20-2010, 10:22 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by gingercharlie View Post
If I can get ME back, such that I don't have to rely on him for happiness, or get upset when he can't make me happy (particularly when I'm "needing" him to make me happy and he's intoxicated), is there... hope?

I NEED him... that's how I feel. I NEED him.
Someone already pointed this out, but it's so important, it bears repeating.

Do you see the paradox here?

If you get YOU back, and don't have to rely on him for happiness, you will not NEED him.

I believe that love has nothing to do with NEED. Love (in the romantic sense) is a bonus. A luxury in life. It's like dessert. You need food, but you don't NEED dessert. It's great and yummy when you have it, but if you NEED it, you have a problem.

Feeling need for another person is not love. In fact, loving someone means that you only want what's best for them, even if that means letting them go. Need is an entirely different thing and it comes from trying to fill that "hole" inside with something from the outside. It can't be done. That "hole in the soul" can only be filled from within. And until you figure out how to fill it, real love will continue to elude you.

L
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Old 06-20-2010, 11:04 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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L2L, thank you so much for your post.

Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Do you want to know the biggest difference I see between YOU and HIM? YOU ARE COURAGEOUS!!! and he is not. Go back and read your posts, even just on this thread alone. Look at how much you are willing to SEE and accept and share about yourself! Do you see what you are doing here? You are looking at yourSELF and trying to make you better. Do you know how RARE that is in people? Seems like EVERYbody walks around in their own little world, justifying all their bad behavior and here you are, on a website, SHARING and admitting to who you are. In the raw. THAT takes courage and you, girl, should feel PROUD of this. Hold your head up high.
I'm just trying to fix disaster, ASAP. I want to make it right, ASAP. I don't see that as courageous, I just want it to be right again.

He was my best friend and best companion. Honestly, no one ever treated me better. If I had just not picked on him for the drinking, if I had just not lost myself so that I became unhappy... We'd both still be very happy.

Was your desire to do this because you wanted a well-appointed home to share with a man?
Yes, but with HIM. When we met and I fell in love with him, he lived in a normal condo, so it wasn't like I was attracted to him for his financial security. And at that time, I had no idea just how much money he had. But over time, he evolved into Prince Charming. He was my security blanket, it more ways than one. I saw my dreams for my life coming true with him (including being able to take time off work to have children, which I'd never imagined would be possible before). He enabled me to feel safe...safer than I ever thought possible.

And in breaking up with me without any warning, when I felt my safest, I just... feel like a part of me died. It hurts from a place deep down inside that I didn't even know pain could come from.

You need to learn how to take care of yourself financially so that you do not have to rely on ANYONE.

...

So, the lesson in this is, look at YOURSELF and figure out where to develop YOU so that you can stand on your own two financial feet. Do you need to get a degree? Do you need to change jobs or careers?
I earn just under 6 figures in a professional field. But between my rent (which I wasn't going to have to pay anymore by moving in with XBF), hefty student loan debt, financial assistance to my mother, and having ****** credit from being late on bills 3 years ago (much better now, but my history is haunting me!), I am not in a comfortable financial place. I only have about $10K in savings, and my credit score sucks. I'm working on it, but it constantly makes me feel unsure of myself.

Whereas, with the security he provided, I felt secure and like I could improve my own financial condition over time (by repaying student loans, etc.).
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Old 06-20-2010, 12:12 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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So are you here because of your dealings with an alcoholic or are you here because you are trying to figure out how to get back with him? I'm not judging, just asking.

Ginger, you can STILL have ALL that for yourself, but I think you might need to make some changes. I am sorry you are having financial difficulty but if you are making that much, you should be able to get yourself on your feet and fix your financial issues. You don't need HIM to have what you want, that was my point. There are entire families raising children on a third what you make (maybe not in CA though). I'm not a financial advisor but I've read enough books and articles on the subject and at your salary you should at least be contributing the max allowable to your 401(k). Maybe downsize your place to reduce your rent? I had roommates for YEARS to help pay the bills, until I could get some money socked away. IDK, just some ideas. I wonder if you aren't still holding onto him because of the finances, not necessarily because he is the "right" guy for you?
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Old 06-20-2010, 12:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
So are you here because of your dealings with an alcoholic or are you here because you are trying to figure out how to get back with him? I'm not judging, just asking.
I suppose, both. I AM trying to heal myself from this relationship with XABF, and trying to understand the role his drinking played. But I can't deny that I'm hopeful that we'll find a way to make it work and get back together. And if we do, I'll still have to handle his drinking... So it's a sort of healing and planning thing I'm doing here, I guess.

But I feel crazy, like, "Is he an A, or not?" and "Did his drinking really play a role in this breakup? Because I was making him feel guilty and annoying him by harping on him about it? Or was it all my fault, just because I let myself go..."??

I suppose I'll never really find the answers. Which makes me hurt all the more.

Ginger, you can STILL have ALL that for yourself, but I think you might need to make some changes. I am sorry you are having financial difficulty but if you are making that much, you should be able to get yourself on your feet and fix your financial issues. You don't need HIM to have what you want, that was my point. There are entire families raising children on a third what you make (maybe not in CA though). I'm not a financial advisor but I've read enough books and articles on the subject and at your salary you should at least be contributing the max allowable to your 401(k). Maybe downsize your place to reduce your rent? I had roommates for YEARS to help pay the bills, until I could get some money socked away. IDK, just some ideas. I wonder if you aren't still holding onto him because of the finances, not necessarily because he is the "right" guy for you?
I'm not holding onto him because of finances, because that realization (that I'd be safe) only came up in the past few months, when we started making plans to have me officially live with him. That would have lightened my load.

But before that, I still struggled. Remember, I support my mother too... I'm not just paying my bills. All of my disposable income goes to something.
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Old 06-20-2010, 12:25 PM
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I think society promotes the "rescue fantasy" way of thinking. The "you complete me" hogwash. It gets very easy to say "if only I had X," I would be okay. (X can be money, that new car, big house, or a particular partner)

The problem with that way of thinking is, as has been said, you either don't get it and feel cheated, or you do get it, and feel unfulfilled.

Advertising agencies and corporations prosper because people buy in to the culture of "having something will make me happy." But, it never works. The US has more prosperity than any other county, yet the percentage of people who say they are happy is at an all-time low.

The only way to lasting happiness is to be whole. To become confident and comfortable in your own skin. To trust yourself and believe that no matter what life throws at you, you will handle it. To do the inner work to develop the gifts you were born with and express them. There is no person (or thing) that can do that for you. The more you look for someone to fulfill you, the more empty you will feel. Because if someone can give you whatever you need, they can also take it away. That's a tough lesson to learn.

L
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Old 06-20-2010, 12:31 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
Because if someone can give you whatever you need, they can also take it away. That's a tough lesson to learn.
Eff. That is so true, it hurts.
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Old 06-20-2010, 12:32 PM
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But, the good news is--

If you can learn to give yourself everything you need, NO ONE can take it away.

I am going to go find one of my old threads and bump it for you to read.

L
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Old 06-20-2010, 12:34 PM
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Let go of the crazy making questions. Focus on healing yourself. As you begin to heal, your questions will be answered. You can't put the cart before the horse so to speak.
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Old 06-20-2010, 02:11 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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I just went back and read your original post GingerCharlie and I tell ya', I'm not sure why you want to go back with such an a$$hole. He sounds like an old BF of mine who was not even an alcoholic- but he was the biggest a$$hole I was ever with. He too wanted me to move in almost right away, and I did, and he too "switched" on me after not-too-long. But while we were together, I could NEVER figure out whether I was coming or going. One minute he was the sweetest guy, would buy things for me, go out of his way to do nice things, etc, but the next minute he was something else entirely. To this day I cannot describe it in words. The closest I got to understanding this person was when I read about (1) sociopaths and (2) passive aggressive men. I'm sorry he treated you that way but why would you want to go through the treatment you have gotten again? Especially the part about when his parents came over? That is one effed-up dude.
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Old 06-20-2010, 04:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
I just went back and read your original post GingerCharlie and I tell ya', I'm not sure why you want to go back with such an a$$hole. He sounds like an old BF of mine who was not even an alcoholic- but he was the biggest a$$hole I was ever with. He too wanted me to move in almost right away, and I did, and he too "switched" on me after not-too-long. But while we were together, I could NEVER figure out whether I was coming or going. One minute he was the sweetest guy, would buy things for me, go out of his way to do nice things, etc, but the next minute he was something else entirely. To this day I cannot describe it in words. The closest I got to understanding this person was when I read about (1) sociopaths and (2) passive aggressive men. I'm sorry he treated you that way but why would you want to go through the treatment you have gotten again? Especially the part about when his parents came over? That is one effed-up dude.
He may be passive-aggressive, definitely a poor communicator (shuts me out/stonewalls me), and turned cool towards me the last time I saw him (last week), but he was never an a$$hole... ya know? I mean, trust me, I've dated some major jerks in my life, and he was on the opposite end of the spectrum. He went out of his way to make me happy. If anything, he was the "nice guy," so nice that you had to be careful to not over-vent or rant about something for fear of him labeling you as a Negative Nancy.

He didn't want me to move in right away either. Granted, I did life with him for all intents and purposes from like only 5 months in, but the concept of living with him officially really seemed to coincide with the downward spiral.

Yes, his parents were HORRIBLE (I'm still convinced he told them something horrible about me!), and he had this weird smug look on his face as they were doing it, but he did acknowledge that the way they acted wasn't cool at all.
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Old 06-20-2010, 04:31 PM
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Wow, lots of verbage here, much of it circulates around money, money is quite a motorvator, many believe that money alone can make everything right. It cannot, I personally, have been up, been down, been over and out. One thing I've learned is that I must take care of me, anything anyone else has to offer is just icing on the cake, that's it.

You stated that you are still hoping for a relationship with him...why? He is done, accept it.

Time to stop the what if's, focus on how to make your life better, how to heal,how to move on, he has.
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Old 06-20-2010, 05:00 PM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
Time to stop the what if's, focus on how to make your life better, how to heal,how to move on, he has.
I know I have two related threads going here, and not everyone is reading/following both...

But I guess what I'm struggling with, is, how can I heal and move on and make my life better, knowing that I drove him to drink??
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Old 06-20-2010, 05:13 PM
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Originally Posted by gingercharlie View Post
but the concept of living with him officially really seemed to coincide with the downward spiral.
Big red flag. This guy has something to hide. You know, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

My guess is that he drinks waaaay more than you are even aware of, and he was afraid you would find out......

L
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Old 06-20-2010, 05:17 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
Big red flag. This guy has something to hide. You know, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

My guess is that he drinks waaaay more than you are even aware of, and he was afraid you would find out......

L
Can you take a peak at the end of my other thread?

I confirmed today that he's not drinking anymore...

Also, because we already lived together for all intents and purposes (literally, I stayed there EVERY NIGHT for a year, and went there right after work, had all my clothes there, etc.), it's hard to imagine that there was something he was "hiding" from me - because I could already see everything.
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