aboutdone

Hi spinwc,

I went through some very similar texts, emails from my XRAH, I had to laugh while I was reading this.

I know how hard NC is. I rarely do a good job of it, as I just have to tell them how screwed up I think they are, so I completely sympathize with you.

Here is a couple of thoughts on this.

Just as we cycle through emotions, so does the addicted. In their defense, which is a very poor one, but a defense, they do have moments, where life kicks them in the butt, and they have a moment of clarity, where they will say somethings like, wow, I really love you, your good to me, I need you, your the best thing, my family loves you, I need help, I can't do this without you.......unfortunately some of their best moments of clarity are when they are seriously blitzed out of their minds, feeling sorry for themselves.

Another tactic they like to use, it to see if YOU are still the problem in their addiction.

Example....I'm going to send her an email, or a text, and tell her how good I am, and if she doesn't respond, or better yet, if she explodes, then I am completely justified in drinking, because all she ever does is treat me this way, and its all her fault. I don't have a problem, she does, and I just need to make sure of that by sending this text.

And yet another tactic that I love is...you can't be done with me, because I'm already done with you.

I do not know how many times I told XRAH I am done with your crap, quit texting me, emailing me. He would fire back, ok, thats it, I am so done with you now. This is OVER.

LOL!!

What helped me then, and still helps to this day, is playing the scenario out in my mind first.

Knowing the above scenarios, I already know if he texted or emailed some crap like that, that he is just throwing the bait. I don't bite.

Another really good bit of advice, is to look up some info on narcissism. Many addicts are narcissistic as well. They can't seem to wrap their head around the fact that they really aren't the grandiose person they think they are. They not only want to believe that you can't live without them, they need to test the waters every now and then to make sure of it. Hence the contact. You getting fired up, just feeds their ego.

How hard would it be for you to change your phone number? If you want to be NC, change your number.

Block him on facebook.

This says, hey I not only want to talk to you, I don't want you in my business either.

It took me awhile to change my number, and block on facebook, but I finally reached a point, that I didn't care anymore what he had to say, or what lengths he would go through to try to make me feel like I was the one with the problem. I would have a couple of great days, then the texts would start or the emails, and then I would fall right back into the chaos. I made the decision to change the number, block on facebook and move on. It was really hard, but at the same time empowering, and I remember thinking today is the day I take back my life.

Just a thought....

spinwc

Thanks aboutdone. I am just mad, hurt, drained from all of it. I just cant take another day of this. I have blocked him on FB and my cell.

This relationship is like a scab. I keep picking at it and its never gonna go away. Its all games.

You know, he never accused me of being the reason he drinks. He doesnt really hide the fact that he has a problem. Its kind of like this is who i am , accept it.

I cant even stomach the thought of him. He makes me sick.

nodaybut2day

Ok, sorry to sound repetitive but...Wow. What a loser.

From the perspective of a complete outsider to your situation, I have to say that all his little texts and FB messages just amount to one thing: he's fishing (rather half-heartedly as he's also dating).



I hope you can give yourself some slack and at least stop feeling angry at yourself. Direct that anger at the right person! You're honestly doing great at dealing with all this crap. If I were in your shoes, I'd have tried contacting the mob or something to put out a contract out on the guy...

Startingover2

Wow...he does sound so much like my exh. Aboutdone was right! So much of it is ego tatic to make sure in his mine HE was the one done with you! His fragile ego couldn't take it otherwise.

Mine does the same silly little boy games! It sucks!

spinwc

well, not really dealing well with it. it hurts. bad. I feel like my self esteem is shattered all over again.

just for some background, I had weight loss surgery 2 years ago, so I have lost 150 lbs. i looked waaay different now, than i did when he and i were together two years ago-that is a little bit of the problem. I think he has a problem with the fact that 1) i obviously look different 2) my self esteem is better than it was 2 years ago and 3) i am getting attention from guys.

He made the comment to me "you are so hot now-its crazy".

I think he keeps fishing because he doesnt want the commitment of a relationship, doesnt want to clean up his life, but is scared becuase he knows I will walk away and move on. I did. He contacted me, i left him alone. So he has to throw me a bone once in a while to "keep me in her mind".

My problem? why am i doing this. why do i care? why does it bother me?

My friend told me "you are so pretty-guys check you out contsantly now since you lost weight. why are you worried about that loser?"

Why am I? I dont know.

I need a serious pep talk! Someone-kick me in the A**! please!

nodaybut2day

spinwc...remember that as addicted as he is to booze, so are you to him and his drama. You obviously know that he's bad for you and yet you struggle with not touching base. It's an addiction.

Knowing this, take some steps to strengthen your resolve. Block his number. Block his facebook and change your privacy settings. Block his email. Don't give yourself an out. Then, get real busy and keep it that way for a while. You know your weakness so take some concrete steps.

Eventually, the habit will face. It will just take some time.

Sorry if this isn't the whoop-a$$ you were looking for, but I think you've beaten yourself up enough as it is.

Paintbaby

In times of hardship, I think it does a soul good to think on others far less fortunate than we. In this instance, that unfortunate soul would be the next woman he hooks up with. Pray for her. HARD. Because there will come a day when she wishes she were YOU, the one lucky enough to have gotten away.

This dude is just a big ol' bag of ugly, spreading his poo over anyone unlucky enough to have contact with him. Luckily, for you, poo washes off. Unfortch, for him, he is FULL of it. Stop sullying your peace with thoughts of him. He is so very unimportant, even if he thinks otherwise.

aboutdone

Well spin, for whatever reason, we always want what we can't have.

I know its tough trying to figure out their motives, and really at times its pointless anyways.

You have to pick a starting point. You have to have a plan.

Things that helped me.

Serenity prayer. (over and over sometimes)

Fact versus fiction. You can't let your mind go off into the "what if" world. There is a saying that the past is the best predictor of the future. This is so true.

Positive reinforcement daily. A habit takes 21-30 days to create. Find something and commit to making it a habit.

And as it was said before we are just as addicted to the addict as they are to their addiction. This was a hard one for me. But I finally had to sort it out like this.

I want him to quit his addiction cold turkey. If he loved himself, even half as much as I love him, he would. Now we all know this is BS way of thinking, but just the same it was my thought. But then.....

I had to look at myself. If I love myself then I need to quit my addiction. I need to quit him. I can't really expect others to do things, that I myself am not willing to do.

No Contact, is more than just not responding or contacting them. True NC is just that. You delete texts and emails before reading them. You completely disregard anything and everything having to do with them. This one is really tough, until you get a few days under your belt. But with each day down, you become stronger, and better at it.

And lastly I had to focus on a previous painful event in my life from my past. I had to remember that in time the pain went away. That now I am a better person for it and much stronger, and now that I am away from it, I can see clearly how destructive that was for me at the time.

I found that journaling was a very powerful thing for me.

Start today. Take your life back. One step at a time. You can do it. Only you have the power to change you, and how you feel about things, and how you react.

Hang in there!

spinwc

Thanks guys. I appreciate all the posts.

I have so much going through my mind it is crazy. My best friend of 15 years wont speak to me (because of my weight loss-she voiced her disapproval from the start) and after talking to WLS patients, I found out that I was the "fat friend", the one you go out with so you get hit on and the fat girl doesnt. So I am dealing with that also. Rejection is a bitch, no matter who is it from.

As far as XABF, I am better tonight. I know, without a doubt, I do not want to be with him. I think I am still in the mind frame that I am 150 lbs overweight and I need to "grab what I can get" if that makes sense. Kind of settling I guess.

Its been a rough day for me but I am ok. I have a plan. I lift weights 3 days a week, but today I decided to kick it up a notch and hire a trainer. I also signed up for the Flying Pig Marathon in Cincinnati. I signed up to play Co-Ed softball at work.

I went through so much having WLS, losing all this weight. I will be damned if I will let an addict and a shallow friend tear me down.

Thanks for listening-you guys are awesome

Freedom1990

My heart hurt reading about your 'friend' of 15 years. That completely sucks.

I hope you know how many friends you have here on SR. :ghug3

spinwc

thanks freedom. I do realize it. You guys are great. I posted on another thread that I get more from ya'll than therapy.

You know when I started my journey for surgery, they told me that stats show that 50% of your relationships end after this surgery. I thought "that wont happen to me". That was December of 2007. Feb 08 I had surgery. XABF was living with me at the time. He moved out in May. She quit speaking to me 2 days before surgery. People treat you very different when you are heavy. Then suddenly you are thin and it makes you realize how shallow people really are. XABF has told me several times that this is an issue for him (who knows if thats true or not).

That is alot of my problem. I thought losing weight would be the answer to everything...that my weight was the problem. Well, its not the problem. I hid behind my weight for so long, settled for an alcoholic cuz i didnt think i could do any better. So I am dealing with that now.

i will get through it....just need some time and lots of venting!

wicked

You lost so much weight! Amazing! Now, you wanna add a trainer to the mix, keep it up, spin, you are fine. Co-ed softball sounds like fun and a great way to meet people.
Wow. you are on fire!

What is a flying pig marathon?
I giggled when I thought about Jadmack referring to the pig squadron flying overhead in another thread. lol

spinwc

It is a marathon that is in Downtown Cincinnati every year. Thousands of people show up for it. Its not until next spring, but you have to start training about 6 months ahead of it. I wont be doing the whole marathon, but I will do the half. A friend of mine asked me to run it with her and I said absolutely.

I have just decided to get off my ass and do something you know? Tired of him controlling my life, thoughts, feelings. I am over it. He will never change and I am not lowering my standards for him. I am done.

Time to live for me!

wicked

when i read flying pig in cincinnati, i thought of an old show called,
"WKRP in Cincinnati".
for thanksgiving they wanted to give away turkeys.......
from a helicopter!
LOL
okay, i got a sick sense of humor!
hehehehe