spinwc

I went to the bookstore this AM and bought "Codepent No More". I took my neice to the pool and while she swam, I read and finished the whole book.

So, I totally get that I am codependent. This book made me realize that. And while I see what issues I really need to work on, I have realized that I am partially to blame for the issues in my relationship with XABF and my mom. I was not prepared to shift blame back at me. I guess I was expecting validation for what has happened from this book and what I got was a big bite of reality.

I have alot to work on. As much as the people I am codie to.

Thanks for the book suggestion. I highlighted alot of things in it and I am going to create my goal list as the book suggested.

Here's to a new, drama free, addict free life!!!

LaTeeDa

As I wrote in another thread today, there is a difference between "owning your part" and "blaming yourself." The former is positive and healthy and reaps rewards of lessons learned. The latter is depressing and shameful and does nobody any good.

Reality is a good thing. Don't beat yourself up for something you weren't even aware of at the time.

L

spinwc

I think what bothers me is when it gives a list of how codies are and how we come across. It bothers me that I may have come off that way to people.

It worries me that this codependent issue I have has formed me as a person. Who am I really? What kind of person will come out once I tackle some of these issues? I have been me for 37 years and thats all I know.

Feeling a little lost right now

LaTeeDa

I understand completely. When the light finally came on for me, it was like a big forehead slap moment. How could I have possibly lived 43 years without realizing any of this????

But, ruminating over what is already done will not help you. Recognizing the things you want to do differently, and practicing new behaviors will move you forward and also lift your spirits. I remember the first time I said to my daughter "I'm sorry you feel that way. What do you intend to do about it?" We both almost fell over in shock. I was so accustomed to trying to "fix" everything and she was accustomed to me always having an answer--it was like the twilight zone. But, it felt so good for me to finally admit I didn't have all the answers and I trusted her to do what she thought best.

Do you have a therapist? Mine was a huge help in getting through these big revelations.

L

mrphillipctrs1

Hey Spin,

I got the book last week myself. I too read it in one day. I am going back now and doing the activity lists. My XAGF used to tell me all the time, I needed to work on myself. I had trouble with this, as I did not think I had a problem. I didn't know what she was talking about.

I admitted to myself and my home group today, that I was a codependent. We were talking about surrendering. I had a problem with that, because I thought I could do anything, if I set my mind too it. I realized that instead of God sending me to her, to help her, he sent me to her to help me. It gave me so much peace this afternoon to know why I have never had a successful relationship, and I am 46. It is scary to admit and to think that after all these years that I am the one who has a problem as well.

I have chosen to recover, she has chosen to stop hers. In the past I would track her down, talk to her and eventually get her back to her rehab. I don't have those urges anymore. I don't have the urge to fix her, it may be simply because I am finally too tired of trying.

I know that I never, ever, want to hurt again like I have over the past month. I do not like this, and I am going to work my butt off to get better. My relationship with my HP has never been stronger. My eyes are open, and I am open to whatever it takes. If I put the same energy into myself as I did my X, then watch out world. I am looking forward to growing into the new me, and all the great things that will come as a result.:day6

Today was my 6th Al Anon meeting.

posiesperson

spin,

I can relate to feeling a little lost. The first time I read CNM I felt completely and totally exposed, all of my imperfections completely vulnerable to scrutiny. It took a while longer before I realized that I must have survived some powerful stuff in order to feel that way.

Based on that I'm guessing that your codependence developed for a reason, and there are a lot of us here who can understand that. Be very gentle with yourself.

And mrphillip, wow! That's fantastic growth. Yes, look out world when we apply all those great skills for the best aspects of ourselves and our communities/culture/world!

Hugs,
posie

Jadmack25

A kick in the pants and a wake up call for change, but what a wonderful relief.

I DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE A CURE, REMEDY OR AN ANSWER, FOR ANOTHER'S PROBLEM OR ILLS. I don't even have to have any of them for me. I am allowed to say "I don't know", and "I haven't an answer for you", or "I can't help you", and NOT feel or accept guilt for saying them.
I am NOT God, or even close. I am but an ordinary human being with no super powers, and I love it that way.

So we have lived as codies for years and feel bad about it, HEY ease up....now we know who we are not, we have the fun of finding out who we are, and who we can be.

Adventure time....here I come.........and hurry, I am no spring chicken..

God bless

Jess01

For most of us co-dependants its taken a long time for us to get this way, and for most us the healing has just begun. Give it time, be patient with yourself and each day will become easier to get through.

bookwyrm

If you haven't already seen it, there's a great chapter by chapter discussion of the book in the sticky threads at the top of the forum. Just cos they're stickied doesn't mean you can't join in!!

I get something new from the book every time I read it.

keepinon

I was kinda releived to know there was a name for all my wackado behaviors..Co Dependant.
Alanon has helped me immensely. Just be grateful u found it at 37 instead of 87. Think of all the great , free, years u have ahead! When we know better, we do better.

gingercharlie

What's the list? In short form???

Learn2Live

Then DON'T shift blame onto yourself or anyone.

Continuing to find fault and blame in ANY of what has happened will be counterproductive and keep you stuck in the sickness. Try to change your mindset to reject thoughts of fault and blame. Every time you start doing it, recognize what you are doing and stop yourself. Every time you hear someone else pointing fingers, recognize it for what it is and do not believe it.

Fault and blame are just human constructs to allow you to skirt the REAL issues, to deny reality. It is difficult, I know, to get out of this mindset but fault and blame are a HUGE part of alcoholism and addiction. Try instead to accept that EVERYBODY has done the BEST they could do, with what they had to work with at the time. Look for the good in the people who have hurt you, and focus on those things instead. (That does not mean that you take an alcoholic back into your home so that you obsess over him and his behavior, or so that you can take care of or fix him). Honestly, sometimes, when I get myself into a situation where I am being negative, I sing that little song from Jungle Book: "Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative." It works and it gets me through it without being sucked into the mire, the disease, the sickness.

WAY TO GO for reading the book!! Now don't get too hung up on feeling badly about what has happened or who you are. You are a beautiful human being with lots of beautiful imperfections. If you have any inkling of belief in God, this is a good time to start cultivating that.