Quick-what do I tell my sons?
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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Quick-what do I tell my sons?
AH was suppose to be here at 330 to pick them up. He called at 11 to say, "I"m going home to have a few beers and take a nap."
Four pm he calls and he's drunk of course. I told him he can't pick them up, to do it tomorrow morning and SOBER.
I'm so furious. I have to WORK right now that ******* piece of ****.
What do I tell my kids? they're 8 and 12.
Four pm he calls and he's drunk of course. I told him he can't pick them up, to do it tomorrow morning and SOBER.
I'm so furious. I have to WORK right now that ******* piece of ****.
What do I tell my kids? they're 8 and 12.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Some great ideas on here:
Might give you some ideas for the next time he flags up his intentions in advance.
Originally Posted by aboutdone 
Well, here is my take on it....and trust me, I have dealt with this crap for 4 years now with the first Ex.
1. You can usually buy a 10 panel drug test at the courthouse for around $6. The party has to pee on it in front of you and await the results before visitation, exchange may take place.
2. You can buy alcohol swabs online, I am not sure of the price, I think around $50 for a kit of them, and again must swab in front of you, and await the results before visitation, or exchange may take place.
3. Weekend visitation is set. Either you take them the entire weekend, or you take them not at all. I HAVE A LIFE NOW THAT DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU OR YOUR SCHEDULE. This one is hard for them to get. I don't micromanage the Exs life. Period. You want to see your kids then be here at 5pm Friday, clean and sober. If you are going to be late, you better have someone else pick them up at 5pm, and they better be clean and sober. Period. If you made plans on your weekend or you can not take them the entire time, that is fine, you forgo your entire weekend visitation. Period.
4. Kids come home at 5pm on Sunday. If you are late. I call the PD and file a missing childrens report, naming you as the probable abductor. I provide them with the court documents in hand stating what time you were returning them.
5. I have had to completely reschedule my weekend because he had plans on one day of it. That is fine. I am more than happy to have my kids all the extra time you want to give me.
It probably sounds like I am a biatch, and I am. I really love the little court order about no drug and alcohol use, and then they give you some BS about you need to call the PD to prove it. BS. Ask your lawyer about obtaining these testing devices, and for arguments sake, request that all pick up drop offs be done at the PD, for their 3rd party witness of testing or administering the tests.
And document, document, document!!!
I would personally go pick up kids early myself OR notify the camp they are not to leave until whatever time, and they are only to leave with you. I would go no contact for the weekend with him. I would document all of it.
Basically, screw him. It is not your job to change your schedule so he can see his kids when it is convenient for him. It totally blows for your kids. It is a lot for them to deal with, and yes, you may look like the bad guy, but look at it this way. You are protecting your children from more abandonment, possible drug/alcohol use in their presence.
As for Fathers Day, I gave my kids the option of making their Dad something for Fathers Day. They drew him some pictures. I am not going out of my way for him at all.
My kids are learning the hard way that life isn't fair, and their being taught from one of the people who is not supposed to teach them that lesson directly. It breaks my heart when they want to know why Daddy doesn't have time for them, or why doesn't Daddy answer the phone. I let them form their own opinions. I know he doesn't answer the phone because he is sitting at the bar. I know he doesn't have time for them because he is at the bar. You may think I am mean, but if my kids want to talk to their Dad, I hand them the phone, and let them dial the number and leave the voice mail. I let them answer the phone the rest of the evening. That way they know I am not lying to them, when they ask him why he didn't answer or call, and he tries to say I never told him they wanted to talk to him, they know he is lying.
When he tells them he can't see them because he is working out of town, I put them in the car and nonchalantly drive by the local bar where his truck is parked right out front. They see it and say, Daddy said he was working out of town, I say, hmm, wonder what happened.
I will be damned if I am going to let him lie and manipulate our children and have them believe its my fault.
At the end of the day, I am here. I am here 24/7 for my children, everyday, all day. There is nothing in my life more important than my kids. No party, no bar, no significant other. No nothing. They know Mom is consistent, I do what I say, I say what I mean, and I don't lie to them. I don't sugarcoat or cover up his BS. They know they can always count on me, even if they don't like the answer, I am going to shoot it to them straight. They know I will always be the one, rain or shine, day or night, that will be here to hold them, hug them, love them...unconditionally. And if that means they get a little upset about my decisions at times when I choose to do what is best for them, then so be it. I am sorry their Dad doesn't want to be in their lifes. I am sorry Mr. Bud Light takes precedence most days, but I am not sorry enough to let him pull one ounce of crap when it comes to using around my kids or adjusting the schedule. My kids go through enough, thanks to his BS. You know?
Oh, and sorry I got off on a little rant. No offense at all. Just something I am very passionate about.
1. You can usually buy a 10 panel drug test at the courthouse for around $6. The party has to pee on it in front of you and await the results before visitation, exchange may take place.
2. You can buy alcohol swabs online, I am not sure of the price, I think around $50 for a kit of them, and again must swab in front of you, and await the results before visitation, or exchange may take place.
3. Weekend visitation is set. Either you take them the entire weekend, or you take them not at all. I HAVE A LIFE NOW THAT DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU OR YOUR SCHEDULE. This one is hard for them to get. I don't micromanage the Exs life. Period. You want to see your kids then be here at 5pm Friday, clean and sober. If you are going to be late, you better have someone else pick them up at 5pm, and they better be clean and sober. Period. If you made plans on your weekend or you can not take them the entire time, that is fine, you forgo your entire weekend visitation. Period.
4. Kids come home at 5pm on Sunday. If you are late. I call the PD and file a missing childrens report, naming you as the probable abductor. I provide them with the court documents in hand stating what time you were returning them.
5. I have had to completely reschedule my weekend because he had plans on one day of it. That is fine. I am more than happy to have my kids all the extra time you want to give me.
It probably sounds like I am a biatch, and I am. I really love the little court order about no drug and alcohol use, and then they give you some BS about you need to call the PD to prove it. BS. Ask your lawyer about obtaining these testing devices, and for arguments sake, request that all pick up drop offs be done at the PD, for their 3rd party witness of testing or administering the tests.
And document, document, document!!!
I would personally go pick up kids early myself OR notify the camp they are not to leave until whatever time, and they are only to leave with you. I would go no contact for the weekend with him. I would document all of it.
Basically, screw him. It is not your job to change your schedule so he can see his kids when it is convenient for him. It totally blows for your kids. It is a lot for them to deal with, and yes, you may look like the bad guy, but look at it this way. You are protecting your children from more abandonment, possible drug/alcohol use in their presence.
As for Fathers Day, I gave my kids the option of making their Dad something for Fathers Day. They drew him some pictures. I am not going out of my way for him at all.
My kids are learning the hard way that life isn't fair, and their being taught from one of the people who is not supposed to teach them that lesson directly. It breaks my heart when they want to know why Daddy doesn't have time for them, or why doesn't Daddy answer the phone. I let them form their own opinions. I know he doesn't answer the phone because he is sitting at the bar. I know he doesn't have time for them because he is at the bar. You may think I am mean, but if my kids want to talk to their Dad, I hand them the phone, and let them dial the number and leave the voice mail. I let them answer the phone the rest of the evening. That way they know I am not lying to them, when they ask him why he didn't answer or call, and he tries to say I never told him they wanted to talk to him, they know he is lying.
When he tells them he can't see them because he is working out of town, I put them in the car and nonchalantly drive by the local bar where his truck is parked right out front. They see it and say, Daddy said he was working out of town, I say, hmm, wonder what happened.
I will be damned if I am going to let him lie and manipulate our children and have them believe its my fault.
At the end of the day, I am here. I am here 24/7 for my children, everyday, all day. There is nothing in my life more important than my kids. No party, no bar, no significant other. No nothing. They know Mom is consistent, I do what I say, I say what I mean, and I don't lie to them. I don't sugarcoat or cover up his BS. They know they can always count on me, even if they don't like the answer, I am going to shoot it to them straight. They know I will always be the one, rain or shine, day or night, that will be here to hold them, hug them, love them...unconditionally. And if that means they get a little upset about my decisions at times when I choose to do what is best for them, then so be it. I am sorry their Dad doesn't want to be in their lifes. I am sorry Mr. Bud Light takes precedence most days, but I am not sorry enough to let him pull one ounce of crap when it comes to using around my kids or adjusting the schedule. My kids go through enough, thanks to his BS. You know?
Oh, and sorry I got off on a little rant. No offense at all. Just something I am very passionate about.
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Ah Anvil, that would be perfect if I didn't have an editor breathing down my neck. I"ve been waiting for him to pick them up so I can finish this piece. And I have no cash left to order pizza. I'd have to go to the bank.
Maybe I'll tell them I'll do that in an hour...
Maybe I'll tell them I'll do that in an hour...
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by transformyself
Ah Anvil, that would be perfect if I didn't have an editor breathing down my neck. I"ve been waiting for him to pick them up so I can finish this piece. And I have no cash left to order pizza. I'd have to go to the bank.
Maybe I'll tell them I'll do that in an hour...
Maybe I'll tell them I'll do that in an hour...
We don't have pizza delivery where I live but you change that to absolutely anything. Picnic in the yard, slumber party in the living room, cooking something together, some weird craft project you rarely do. My kids are happy to put baking soda in vinegar and every other damn thing in the kitchen half the night, lol.
I know this sucks in every way
I
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I can't help with the current moment. I'm sure you will do the best you can. What I can help with is avoiding it in the future. I had to train myself not to count on AH for ANYTHING. I had to learn to either get done what I needed to do WITH the children present, or make other arrangements for them if I really needed to do something without distraction. I had to stop believing he would do what he would say--ever. And, because I started having an attitude of "I'll believe it when I see it," my kids began to adopt the same attitude. There is much less disappointment in my house these days. Although, XAH is disappointed quite often because he would like to spend time with the kids and they usually have other plans. C'est la vie.
L
L
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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I"ll come back and read all of these and be proactive later, just told one child "Dad's plans changed, do you want pizza?" he wanted to know why so I said he was called into work. So what if I lied, I'll come back and read this stuff later and create a plan, ask theri therapist how to handle it. My other son s out on his bike. He's bummed but he'll be okay. I'll buy pizza after their swim meet tonight at freaking 7pm. Gotta finish this article now... we can get a movie too.
THANK YOU ANVIL, PERFECT QUICK RESPONSE AND THANKS EVERYONE. I'M SO MAD RIGHT NOW HE'S TEXTING ME ALL KINDS OF BS BUT MY KIDS COME FIRST
I'LL BE BACK. Jesus, there is electricity coming out of my ears. He hasn't done this, has been really great actually dont know why I'm surprised..
THANK YOU ANVIL, PERFECT QUICK RESPONSE AND THANKS EVERYONE. I'M SO MAD RIGHT NOW HE'S TEXTING ME ALL KINDS OF BS BUT MY KIDS COME FIRST
I'LL BE BACK. Jesus, there is electricity coming out of my ears. He hasn't done this, has been really great actually dont know why I'm surprised..
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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I for one am glad he called and bagged out on the kids, instead of coming to pick them up, drunk driving with them in the car, leaving them alone while he goes out, dumping them off on someone else, or doing some other irresponsible thing alcoholic parents do. I'd rather they be a little disappointed than physically harmed.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by hello-kitty
Dad's drunk and mom's working. It's so sad when neither parent has the time to take care of their children.
I feel for your boys. I hope they don't take it too personally.
I feel for your boys. I hope they don't take it too personally.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Mom works because food needs to be brought to the table....
transform, I wish you well ! I LOVED LTDs post. It is sad but to learn not to count on anything much from alkies-or others in general- is such a great lesson - to be able to improvise, be creative, have Plan Bs, deal with dissapointment, replace it with something better.
If any of your kids choose IT as a profession, tolerance to frustration is a great skill to have !
transform, I wish you well ! I LOVED LTDs post. It is sad but to learn not to count on anything much from alkies-or others in general- is such a great lesson - to be able to improvise, be creative, have Plan Bs, deal with dissapointment, replace it with something better.
If any of your kids choose IT as a profession, tolerance to frustration is a great skill to have !
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Originally Posted by transformyself
Jesus, there is electricity coming out of my ears. He hasn't done this, has been really great actually dont know why I'm surprised..
I no longer lie to my son about the reason why his dad isn't coming. If AH didn't tell me why, I say "I don't know, sweetie." If I do know why and am reasonably sure it's the truth, I tell him. "Daddy decided to go to a rugby game today. I am so sorry." If AH tells me why and I doubt its the truth, I say "Daddy said he got called into work." If my son pushes, I'm honest and tell him "But I don't know for sure."
I try to make sure we have time together to play, craft, read. If I really can't take all the time he needs when he finds out about his dad's cancellation, I let him know when he can have my undivided attention.
Kids remember. They remember the way it's worded too.
My 5yo has caught his Daddy in two lies that I know of: AH told son about the great game he went to (instead of seeing our son) and son piped up "But Daddy, you said you had to go to work X day." (It wasn't "But Mommy said you had to go to work.")
He has unfortunately learned that he can't trust Daddy to be truthful. His dad's cr-ppy excuses for not seeing him hurt his feelings. It sucks. But my son now knows I tell him the truth. He knows that he can trust Mommy. And I am trying really hard to keep it that way.
I wish you and your family all the best, Transform.
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Originally Posted by Thumper
That seems a little unfair.
Some one has to work and provide for the family. HP knows my AH isn't helping his family at all. I can't schedule all my time completely around my son and I don't believe that would be a healthy thing to do even if I could. But my son knows I love him and even if I can't be with him at the exact time he wants me or needs me, he knows I will be there for and with him as soon as I can.
I Love Who I Am
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ah, well the article is finished, the kids are wrestling and laughing and now I have to run them to swim practice.
LTD AH called because he knew he'd be escorted quick like out of here if he arrived drunk, much less be allowed to take the car and kids. Not a chance. But now that my work is done (till tonight when they go to bed) I"m thrilled he bailed too. I get to see them have their first swim meet!
And you're right, now that summer is here I better not rely on AH for anything, meaning now that the kids are home. Fotunatly, my quarterly paper is due out July 1 and the next one will be out Oct, so it's just freelance work-oh and moving, which I can do with those guys.
To be fair, we have pretty good system in place, AH drinks when he doesn't have them. Maybe this is the beginning of the inevitable progressive drinking. Ugh. I'll just prepare for the liver-worst!
And Hello Kitty, Please go back and reread your post, then let me know if you meant to come off sarcastic, judgemental and accusing. Cause that's how it feels to me. But you know me, I'm quick to take things personally.
I'll come back tonight and reread the long term solution posts. Thanks Team SI! I feel so supported and loved, really. Ya'll were there for me, quick like a bunny!
LTD AH called because he knew he'd be escorted quick like out of here if he arrived drunk, much less be allowed to take the car and kids. Not a chance. But now that my work is done (till tonight when they go to bed) I"m thrilled he bailed too. I get to see them have their first swim meet!
And you're right, now that summer is here I better not rely on AH for anything, meaning now that the kids are home. Fotunatly, my quarterly paper is due out July 1 and the next one will be out Oct, so it's just freelance work-oh and moving, which I can do with those guys.
To be fair, we have pretty good system in place, AH drinks when he doesn't have them. Maybe this is the beginning of the inevitable progressive drinking. Ugh. I'll just prepare for the liver-worst!
And Hello Kitty, Please go back and reread your post, then let me know if you meant to come off sarcastic, judgemental and accusing. Cause that's how it feels to me. But you know me, I'm quick to take things personally.
I'll come back tonight and reread the long term solution posts. Thanks Team SI! I feel so supported and loved, really. Ya'll were there for me, quick like a bunny!
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yep I deal with this too. It sucks, no notice, crappy excuses, but I am trying to build a life that doesn't depend on him at all to do what he says, or what we agreed. what ever excuse he tells me I tell the children "daddy told me he can't see you now because....."
if the oldest queries the excuse (the youngest is only 2) I discuss it with him. I discuss drinking alcohol with him and his daddy's "disease" if appropriate. the oldest has got very angry and blamed me for keeping him from his daddy, I used to keep quiet and accept that, because I didn't want him to question his daddy's love for him. but I realized that this meant I was painting myself as the uncaring, selfish, parent. and that my son may as well hear my (age-appropriate) reasoning for not leaving him alone with his father at times (whilst trying to be entirely non-judgmental and not-blaming or denigrating his father: I very much believe that children identify themselves as being half of both parents when young and I don't want to burden him with negative judgments about half of his make-up). But I am not going to lie to protect his father. If he cancels because he says he is ill, that is the message I pass on. If he says he has "other things to do" or "is busy", I pass that message on. tbh, he says that to them himself anyway.
Their father feels incredible love for them, and they love him just as a child does love their father. His love for them, however, does not appear to translate into consistently putting aside his wants and needs to give them time, especially when it comes to alcohol/socializing. he has canceled 8 out of the last 10 unsupervised Saturday visitations. yet I know he loves them: I hope they know it too. It's a tough, and thankless, line to walk, but it is far harder on them. bleugh.
if the oldest queries the excuse (the youngest is only 2) I discuss it with him. I discuss drinking alcohol with him and his daddy's "disease" if appropriate. the oldest has got very angry and blamed me for keeping him from his daddy, I used to keep quiet and accept that, because I didn't want him to question his daddy's love for him. but I realized that this meant I was painting myself as the uncaring, selfish, parent. and that my son may as well hear my (age-appropriate) reasoning for not leaving him alone with his father at times (whilst trying to be entirely non-judgmental and not-blaming or denigrating his father: I very much believe that children identify themselves as being half of both parents when young and I don't want to burden him with negative judgments about half of his make-up). But I am not going to lie to protect his father. If he cancels because he says he is ill, that is the message I pass on. If he says he has "other things to do" or "is busy", I pass that message on. tbh, he says that to them himself anyway.
Their father feels incredible love for them, and they love him just as a child does love their father. His love for them, however, does not appear to translate into consistently putting aside his wants and needs to give them time, especially when it comes to alcohol/socializing. he has canceled 8 out of the last 10 unsupervised Saturday visitations. yet I know he loves them: I hope they know it too. It's a tough, and thankless, line to walk, but it is far harder on them. bleugh.
I'm no angel!
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Transform,
For my part, you are a good Mom, you are doing your best to keep a roof over your childrens heads, I commend you.
As for the MIA Dad, this will take a great deal of acceptance on your part, as this is not going to get any better, until he finds recovery, and by the time he does, if he does, it may be too late.
Dolly
For my part, you are a good Mom, you are doing your best to keep a roof over your childrens heads, I commend you.
As for the MIA Dad, this will take a great deal of acceptance on your part, as this is not going to get any better, until he finds recovery, and by the time he does, if he does, it may be too late.
Dolly
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Thank you everyone, back to grab some money and go get the promised pizza. They're happy, all though the meet was tough. They've never played competitive sports.
At the pool tonight, so many dads there, immersed in cheering on their kids. Attentive. ONe guy next to me was talking about how he was trying to teach his son how to swing a bat. It almost made me cry. I had to put on my sunglasses. I"ve been very understanding of his issues lately, and know I can't in any way control them. Acceptance has been abundant. I just need to refocus and stop expecting anything.
I want an attentive father for my children. They've suffered from neglect long enough. I'll do it myself, dammit.
Off we go now to get pizza. Hugs to everyone.
At the pool tonight, so many dads there, immersed in cheering on their kids. Attentive. ONe guy next to me was talking about how he was trying to teach his son how to swing a bat. It almost made me cry. I had to put on my sunglasses. I"ve been very understanding of his issues lately, and know I can't in any way control them. Acceptance has been abundant. I just need to refocus and stop expecting anything.
I want an attentive father for my children. They've suffered from neglect long enough. I'll do it myself, dammit.
Off we go now to get pizza. Hugs to everyone.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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Try not to expect too much. My dad never went to anything we did. Didn't even bother coming to our hs graduations. I think its even part of the reason I never cared to get married-because I just could never reconcile a marriage and him not attending.
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