Hammerhead

Ooohhhh caught one!

Jadmack... can I keep him... he's awfully cute...



codswallop....codswallop.....codswallop.... yep now I'm hooked!

Bolina

Sounds little suffocating to me. And not a little arrogant, if you don't mind me saying. He is an adult, not a child. As are you. If we are unhappy, it is our choice to stay right where we are or change our situation and/or our mindset.

Reading Man's Search For Meaning by Victor Frankl made it hit home for me that happiness is an inside job.

Hammerhead

You're on to something gingercharlie...

gingercharlie

In his mind, that's exactly what he did by breaking up with me.

He just waited like 5 months after the alleged unhappiness set in to even clue me in, and when he did, it was with an "It's over," rather than a "Babe, I'm unhappy, can we work on this?"

Ugh, now he's pissing me off.

I suppose that's a better emotion than What I was experiencing yesterday: :rotfxko

You guys are all such a God send... No one else I've talked to understands what I'm experiencing. This is awesome.

Bolina

So he didn't do it perfectly, or even kindly. But it is clear that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you any more. And that will hurt, of course. Is there a chance that perhaps you and he were having entirely different thoughts throughout the relationship?

stella27

It is my opinion that we all understand you so well because addicts are freakishly similar. It is bizarre how identically they often act.

And this is not your typical break-up because you were living with an addict.

I'm glad you are here.

gingercharlie

Anything's possible.

But in the 6 weeks before the breakup, he asked me to formally move in (I was already living there, really), drove me to turn in my notice on my apartment, bought me next year's season pass at our ski resort, told me that I could expect a proposal in 6 months, we went to Kauai and had a great time (or so I thought), and did things (and he said things) which indicated this was "it" - this was forever. And the days leading up to the breakup weren't any different (picking out a new bed, planting a garden, buying plane tickets for a trip that was to take place THIS weekend).

And then BAM! He drank fr 4 straight days, and on the morning after I "let him have it" over his drinkin, he let me in on his alleged secret: That he hadn't been happy for a long time, and that everything he did and said was lie, that he'd just been "going with the flow"...

Bolina

Sounds crap, sorry to hear it.

Ugh at the "I could expect a proposal in 6 months", though. I don't know why, but just ugh. I would have got the proposal (or done it myself, though perhaps not to him), before moving in. I am turning into my Gran, it has to be said.

Jenny1232

I really know the pain, frustration and confusion you're feeling. I had moved to a different state with an ex - boyfriend.. and a year and half later, BAM... he terminated our lease and I had to move back home, all because he didn't love me anymore.

I couldn't believe it.. and for three months, I didn't eat, sleep, drink, anything.

However, he did me the best thing!! He would have never given me what I deserved (and I sure picked a winner afterward, lol)... but it's all a lifes lesson. Take that lesson and run!!!

You'll be grateful in the end, trust me. I'm SO happy he is gone, that both of my last two exes are GONE!

gingercharlie

Intellectually, I understand this. But right now, my heart doesn't believe it. I keep thinking I ruined the best relationship I ever had. I'm starting to change my mind, but it'll take a while...

Bolina

Couple of threads from the Stickies for you. Would love to know your thoughts.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-illusion.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...red-flags.html

Thumper

Well I don't know, this might be the best you've had but there are certainly better relationships available!

Hold out for the great relationship. The well rounded, balanced, give and take, trustworthy, fun, secure, safe relationship that awaits you. It is out there. Being in a relationship with addiction takes the well rounded one off the table. You are sentencing yourself to misery.

I didn't actually believe well rounded existed for me in my life. The well rounded relationship was something mythical, or at best, something mysterious that other random people obtained. Nothing I could ever hope for. That is not true. There is one of those for anyone that demands it, no matter how messed up we are or were. We fix ourselves in order to open the door to well balanced. If you see yourself in this paragraph at all, get some counseling. You'll never regret it.

TakingCharge999

Go no contact again!!!! you see, every day and every minute is a chance to start over and GO NO CONTACT.

and yes, ginger, for 'normal people' a drink is NOT AN ISSUE, NOT A TOPIC, and I have NEVER in 28 years said "hi how are you? I m good, and BTW I didnt drink a margarita today" Nope.

These two links have helped me immensely understand what I lived is not unique in fact it is the run of the mill for alkies:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Uhm.. where is the other link...

gingercharlie

The "love illusion" thread was interesting.

The "red flags" thread really, honestly, had no application to my relationship. I was hoping it would, but... not a one.

gingercharlie

"In the past"? I don't think he has.

But I did find porn on his computer.

This one isn't really true. At 1.5 years, I asked him (which he viewed as pressure) what kind of timeline he was thinking. He said within 6 months. He said 6 months at our 1.5 year mark, and at that point, were really WERE already living together... hadn't slept in my own bed in over 10 months, had all my clothes there, etc.

That one... yeah.

tigger11

I agree, the Love Illusion sticky is quite good!

Bolina

Maybe it wasn't him that had the red flags? Or maybe he just got cold feet. As I said, he didn't handle it very well at all. But this is your opportunity to learn from your 100% of you half of the relationship.

gingercharlie

Ha, noooo. He drank before we met. But it definitely increased, and became a problem (at least for ME) as the relationship progressed.

I know. I guess that'll be a question for a later date though (when I'm ready to date someone else): How to ID the signs of an A much, much quicker!

You mean, I had them? What were they?

Bolina

Sorry, charlie. I wasn't implying that I had picked up on anything. Simply identifying that there are 2 in a couple and perhaps he had seen some red flags of his own. I know that part of my recovery was seeing where I fitted into that list and working to change my own behavior.

But maybe there were none on either side and both of you were just fine. So what happened, then? Alcohol is only a symptom, after all.

TakingCharge999

Ha, noooo. He drank before we met. But it definitely increased, and became a problem (at least for ME) as the relationship progressed.

That is the nature of addiction. I lived that too and many others here (if not all, I dare to say!).

Chronic and progressive disease.

It will get worse. In a spiral. But it always gets worse.

To be away of them when there is not much at stake (like our sanity, love for life, kids) is A HUGE BLESSING FROM ABOVE.


What helped me was attending some AA sessions. See what REAL alkies that control their problem and actually BECOME BETTER PEOPLE, look like.

When I heard those gentlemen say "after beating the hell $&"$ out of my 3rd wife and newborn, I knew something had to change", I HAD to put things in perspective.

To think an alkie in the making was going to change for a GF of 7 months was so naive!!! how cute of me.... also talk to them after the sessions. It was very healing to talk to them, like talking to a more logic version of XABF. And all of them told me I DID WELL AND to STAY THE "&$&#$ AWAY BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER KNOWN WHAT REAL PAIN LOOKS LIKE.

It is very different when a girl friend says it... than when an exhausted, yellow, wrinkle faced, aware alcoholic.... says it.