XABF made of point to tell me he's not drinking???
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
You see? THIS is the reason why No Contact means do not contact him. Because you can NEVER figure out what is the truth when you are dealing with these people and they *#&! with your head to no end.
Now you are this:
When you should be this:
Now, what is the smilie code for the Codie Police? I can't find it!
Now you are this:
When you should be this:
Now, what is the smilie code for the Codie Police? I can't find it!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Little Rock, Arkansas
Posts: 161
[QUOTE=gingercharlie;2628826]But remember, he said he'd been drinking a lot to **** me off and push me away, in the hopes that I'd break up with him first... He claimed he'd been a coward for months, and hoped I pull the trigger so that he wouldn't have to.
He was VERY upset during our conversation, claiming he was so upset about having to hurt me...[/QUOTE]
I got almost the same phone call. Upset about hurting me. I told her that I was not ready to talk to her, and that it would be on my terms when I decided to forgive, not hers. So stop calling! She is now blocked on everything!
He was VERY upset during our conversation, claiming he was so upset about having to hurt me...[/QUOTE]
I got almost the same phone call. Upset about hurting me. I told her that I was not ready to talk to her, and that it would be on my terms when I decided to forgive, not hers. So stop calling! She is now blocked on everything!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by gingercharlie 
Against my better judgment, I broke down today and wrote to my XABF
How are you going to heal from the effects of his alcoholism on your life?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 91
I guess what I'm struggling with, is the "cause" and "control" parts of the Al-Anon "rule."
I keep thinking that I did cause him to drink (MORE, not to begin with), and that I could have controlled how much he drank by not letting go of myself and/or picking on him.
To you guys, it doesn't make sens. But in my mind, he started drinking more because I made him unhappy. Then I picked on him about the drinking, which made him unhappier, and he drank more. Then he realized that I was about to walk out because of his drinking, and because he's conflict avoidant and couldn't do it himself, he chose to drink so much in the hopes it would drive me away.
That's how I'm thinking/feeling.
I keep thinking that I did cause him to drink (MORE, not to begin with), and that I could have controlled how much he drank by not letting go of myself and/or picking on him.
To you guys, it doesn't make sens. But in my mind, he started drinking more because I made him unhappy. Then I picked on him about the drinking, which made him unhappier, and he drank more. Then he realized that I was about to walk out because of his drinking, and because he's conflict avoidant and couldn't do it himself, he chose to drink so much in the hopes it would drive me away.
That's how I'm thinking/feeling.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
So, by your own logic, you are powerful enough to make him drink, and make him unhappy. If that were true, you would also be powerful enough to make him stop, and make him happy. Right?
I wonder how come you are so powerful, when the rest of us aren't?
L
I wonder how come you are so powerful, when the rest of us aren't?
L
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by gingercharlie
But remember, he said he'd been drinking a lot to **** me off and push me away, in the hopes that I'd break up with him first... He claimed he'd been a coward for months, and hoped I pull the trigger so that he wouldn't have to.
He was VERY upset during our conversation, claiming he was so upset about having to hurt me...
He was VERY upset during our conversation, claiming he was so upset about having to hurt me...
Truthfully, I don't think he didn't want you or love you, I think it was a "leave her before she leaves me"
Even the best of them cannot fake love. A man WILL NOT go away with a women he doesn't love.
And the WORST thing an addict can feel is rejection so I'm not buying he was hoping you would leave. That is a crock of poo.
He rejected first in order to save his sad little ego
Your ex is sick and makes no sense and you will spend a life time trying it decipher all his nonsense.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
He's going to drink with or without you. He's using you as an excuse.
It took me a long time to go NC... and I still struggle, but it makes you feel A LOT better.. Everyone is right, you will never understand, and you're always going to feel guilty or to blame.
"To you guys, it doesn't make sens. But in my mind, he started drinking more because I made him unhappy. Then I picked on him about the drinking, which made him unhappier, and he drank more. Then he realized that I was about to walk out because of his drinking, and because he's conflict avoidant and couldn't do it himself, he chose to drink so much in the hopes it would drive me away."
Trust me, it makes sense to me. He succeeded in making you responsible for his unacceptable behavior. Honestly, if you look at this from an outsiders view - it sounds rather silly. I can empathize with you though, so don't take this the wrong way.
It took me a long time to go NC... and I still struggle, but it makes you feel A LOT better.. Everyone is right, you will never understand, and you're always going to feel guilty or to blame.
"To you guys, it doesn't make sens. But in my mind, he started drinking more because I made him unhappy. Then I picked on him about the drinking, which made him unhappier, and he drank more. Then he realized that I was about to walk out because of his drinking, and because he's conflict avoidant and couldn't do it himself, he chose to drink so much in the hopes it would drive me away."
Trust me, it makes sense to me. He succeeded in making you responsible for his unacceptable behavior. Honestly, if you look at this from an outsiders view - it sounds rather silly. I can empathize with you though, so don't take this the wrong way.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
What LTD said.
Tbh, he doesn't sound like he's adult enough to have a proper relationship. He, like I was in all honesty, has no business being in relationships when things like alcohol and passive-agressiveness are the prime ways to deal with problems. Whether you choose to involve yourself in that, that's your perogative, but I do have to ask WHY?
Tbh, he doesn't sound like he's adult enough to have a proper relationship. He, like I was in all honesty, has no business being in relationships when things like alcohol and passive-agressiveness are the prime ways to deal with problems. Whether you choose to involve yourself in that, that's your perogative, but I do have to ask WHY?
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
He said it is your fault because.....he didn't want to hurt you.
He drank heavily only to get you to end the relationship.
He is so upset that he had to hurt you.
If you weren't such a sensitive, little flower...he would have been honest with you and wouldn't have needed to drink like he did to p*ss you off.
Everything he did was for your sake, he only thought of your good.
There goes that squadron of pigs, just flying past.
What a total and utter load of codswallop. Do not, for even 1 millisecond, believe a word he says, because the only person he considered at all, was and still is, him.
If he is trying to get you to believe him and get you back, it is for his need and his good.
The greatest good he did you, was push you out the door, and that was only incidental, he did not do that for your sake, so for heaven's sake do not believe him.
Stay away, go complete NC, and work on you and your wants, needs and dream.
God bless
He drank heavily only to get you to end the relationship.
He is so upset that he had to hurt you.
If you weren't such a sensitive, little flower...he would have been honest with you and wouldn't have needed to drink like he did to p*ss you off.
Everything he did was for your sake, he only thought of your good.
There goes that squadron of pigs, just flying past.
What a total and utter load of codswallop. Do not, for even 1 millisecond, believe a word he says, because the only person he considered at all, was and still is, him.
If he is trying to get you to believe him and get you back, it is for his need and his good.
The greatest good he did you, was push you out the door, and that was only incidental, he did not do that for your sake, so for heaven's sake do not believe him.
Stay away, go complete NC, and work on you and your wants, needs and dream.
God bless
A Pirate looks at 40
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
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:rotfxko 
Quotes of the day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Originally Posted by Jadmack25
There goes that squadron of pigs, just flying past.
What a total and utter load of codswallop.
What a total and utter load of codswallop.
Quotes of the day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
So, by your own logic, you are powerful enough to make him drink, and make him unhappy. If that were true, you would also be powerful enough to make him stop, and make him happy. Right?
I keep thinking... he's not drinking, and he's happy, without me.
With me, he was unhappy, and a drinker.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Errr. Does that even make sense?
You had the power to stop him when you were together, but he didn't. Now you don't have the power because you are not together, yet he's stopped. Is that right?
You never had any power over his drinking. Or, indeed, his happiness. Do you think you did?
You had the power to stop him when you were together, but he didn't. Now you don't have the power because you are not together, yet he's stopped. Is that right?
You never had any power over his drinking. Or, indeed, his happiness. Do you think you did?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
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He cannot 'take away' power you never had. You do not have ANY power over him, and you never did. The only person ANY of us has power over is ourselves. Addicts try to convince us that we are to blame because they do not have the courage to admit that they are responsible for their own actions.
My XAH once quit drinking for four months. And he convinced me that he did it because of me. Then, when he started drinking again, of course it was my fault.
L
My XAH once quit drinking for four months. And he convinced me that he did it because of me. Then, when he started drinking again, of course it was my fault.
L
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by Jadmack25
There goes that squadron of pigs, just flying past.
What a total and utter load of codswallop. Do not, for even 1 millisecond, believe a word he says, because the only person he considered at all, was and still is, him.
But this guy, he's so ... cold, now. When I saw him last weekend when I was gathering my things from his house, he said something to the effect of, "I have to do what's right for me, regardless of how that affects you."
Yes, I agree with the basic tenent of that message, but he was just being such a cold person... ya know? It was like I was sitting there thinking, "Really, all you're thinking about it yourself!"
If he is trying to get you to believe him and get you back, it is for his need and his good.
I mean, I don't have a problem, and I'm not drinking, but I didn't tell him that I'm not drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by Bolina
You never had any power over his drinking. Or, indeed, his happiness. Do you think you did?
Probably explains why I thought he had power/control/responsibility over MY happiness. I only very recently figured out that he didn't.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
GC,
I understand you questioning and second-guessing what you once knew to be true. It's the very nature of this stuff.
What I have found, is that the longer I remain no contact, the more sane I know I always was, and the more clarity I get over the past situation. It's just plain that way.
Don't over-fret now. Just breathe, know that nothing critical is going to change in your life this hour, this day, this week even. Put some distance between the email exchange and the here and now, and I can almost guarantee you that your perspective will change.
Review what you know. And hang out with other people who live in the truth.
I understand you questioning and second-guessing what you once knew to be true. It's the very nature of this stuff.
What I have found, is that the longer I remain no contact, the more sane I know I always was, and the more clarity I get over the past situation. It's just plain that way.
Don't over-fret now. Just breathe, know that nothing critical is going to change in your life this hour, this day, this week even. Put some distance between the email exchange and the here and now, and I can almost guarantee you that your perspective will change.
Review what you know. And hang out with other people who live in the truth.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Originally Posted by gingercharlie
I understand that when two people who really care about each other, breakup because it's just not working, they still care about and protect the other's feelings. They watch what they say, and are kind and gentle. I know, I've been there.
People react different ways.. and when it comes to being involved with an addict - well, I don't think breakups are ever very pretty. What you describe during a break up.. is a break up between two people who come to a mutual agreement, who have always loved and respected one another. I've yet to really see that in an addiction based relationship.
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