The happy A?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Happy by outward appearances, yes. Happy on the inside, not even close...light years from it. Huge fun to be around...very funny...life of the party, but very few know the truth about what is going on on the inside. He isn't oblivious to his addictions. He knows he has them and doesn't like them. We are no longer together, and he recently told me he is working on recovery. Whether that is true, I don't know, because I no longer trust anything he says.
But chances are good your A is miserable on the inside, even if he doesn't show it.
But chances are good your A is miserable on the inside, even if he doesn't show it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 91
I guess that's my question...
Do you think they know they have an addiction? Like, really?
I realize they may be miserable people, and drink to drown their misery, but do you think they're connecting the dots? "I drink because I have an addiction" as opposed to "I'm drinking because I'm unhappy"?
Do you think they know they have an addiction? Like, really?
I realize they may be miserable people, and drink to drown their misery, but do you think they're connecting the dots? "I drink because I have an addiction" as opposed to "I'm drinking because I'm unhappy"?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Mine had to come to his realization/admission on his own, but now he knows it and owns it. Whether he wants help or not, I am not sure. There are others here who are recovering addicts who can give you much more insight than I can, and I know they will!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
My AH was pretty happy and oblivious (so was I) at first. But, he completely avoided anything that made him uncomfortable, unhappy, sad or mad. If it made him uncomfortable, it didn't exist. It's been the last few years, maybe 5-6, that he started what felt like a lightning-fast (as in it felt like overnight it got really bad and over the next few years got progressively worse) downward spiral into self-pity, anger, emotionally abusive behaviors, etc.
Now he pretty much avoids all family and old family friends; basically any and every one who knew him before the spiral. Now he only hangs out with others who drink and use until they're unable to even sit up or those who for whatever reason enable that lifestyle.
He told me several times (like when I was getting ready to walk out, after I'd walked out) that he knew he had a problem (and would get help). Maybe he really did know that he has a problem; I don't know. I do know that at the time saying it was a matter of manipulating me to not leave or to come back.
Recently, after attending a 28-day rehab program, he still says "Everyone tells me I was sick, but I don't know, I don't see it." Does he really know in the back of his mind that he has a problem and is just denying it? I don't know. I may never know.
Now he pretty much avoids all family and old family friends; basically any and every one who knew him before the spiral. Now he only hangs out with others who drink and use until they're unable to even sit up or those who for whatever reason enable that lifestyle.
He told me several times (like when I was getting ready to walk out, after I'd walked out) that he knew he had a problem (and would get help). Maybe he really did know that he has a problem; I don't know. I do know that at the time saying it was a matter of manipulating me to not leave or to come back.
Recently, after attending a 28-day rehab program, he still says "Everyone tells me I was sick, but I don't know, I don't see it." Does he really know in the back of his mind that he has a problem and is just denying it? I don't know. I may never know.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
My STBXAH was bitter, angry, unhappy ALL the time. Except for the first year we were together when he was "on top of the world". As though I were responsible for his happiness. I guess having somebody finally love him must have been pretty nice.
I don't think it matters much WHY they drink. They just do. It's their number ONE priority above all else.
Even when they're happy and/or fun, eventually they become bitter, angry people.
Whether they know they have an addiction or not, they don't admit it. Or if they do, they don't do anything about it. Just another ploy.
Whoa, shoot. I sound bitter here, too. Sorry about that! It doesn't negate what I'm saying though. They are what they are. Live your own life, take care of YOU. You'll be much happier, calmer, and will grow in contentment.
HUGS!
Tigger
I don't think it matters much WHY they drink. They just do. It's their number ONE priority above all else.
Even when they're happy and/or fun, eventually they become bitter, angry people.
Whether they know they have an addiction or not, they don't admit it. Or if they do, they don't do anything about it. Just another ploy.
Whoa, shoot. I sound bitter here, too. Sorry about that! It doesn't negate what I'm saying though. They are what they are. Live your own life, take care of YOU. You'll be much happier, calmer, and will grow in contentment.
HUGS!
Tigger
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Follow what tigger says.
EX was happy before I met him, seemed happy when I knew him, and 1.5+ years later he is still happy.
This little demigod.
But it seems so fragile, this "happiness", it seems he has to try harder and harder.
He also still drinks almost daily, 'shows off' being able to drink two bottles of Jack single handedly, and talks often about beers. He is also still late to work every day, still plays videogames with a beer on his hand.
Happy is a term one can use as a torture tool. Believe me I have seen EX almost daily due to work. And they tell me he and hs new gf are very very happy. I have suffered way too much thinking "they are happy" and not me.
Now for the Reality Check.
Does drinking a beer make me happy? no.
Does drinking daily make me happy? no.
Do I live waiting for the weekend and hating weekdays? no.
Am I happy with a boyfriend irresponsible at work? no.
Am I happy with a boyfriend that checks out women and comments on them wth ME? no.
Am I happy with a boyfriend that often forgets what he did last night? no.
Am I happy with a boyfriend that feels superior? no.
Does peace make me happy? yes
Does yoga make me happy? yes
Does dancing, kickboxing, etc make me happy? yes
Does calling friends who really know me and care, make me happy? yes
Does watching "sex and the city" make me happy? yes
Does taking care of my cats make me happy? yes
Does reading make me happy? yes
Do walks on parks make me happy? yes
Music, painting, concerts, drawing Garfield cartoons, shopping for organic food, spiritual books, international radio stations, working hard, singing, going to a new restaurant, enjoying an artsy movie, caring for my pets, volunteering, becoming involved in causes, ALL of that was either trash, boring or non existant to EX.
And its OK. That is why we are different people.
Am I willing to forget all that and give my life to alcohol? NO.
Is he willing to forget everything and give his life to alcohol? YES. DID, DOES, and PLANS ON going on! yay!!
The question is not "the happy A?" throw him a bottle of vodka and you got it.
... so much for a life with meaning.
The question is "the happy GINGER?". WHO IS TAKING CARE OF HER?????? who is trying to find out what she enjoys, what makes her smile... what fuels her desire to live-nay, strive? what fills her heart with enthusiasm and joy. WHO? whose job is it.. really??
EX was happy before I met him, seemed happy when I knew him, and 1.5+ years later he is still happy.
This little demigod.
But it seems so fragile, this "happiness", it seems he has to try harder and harder.
He also still drinks almost daily, 'shows off' being able to drink two bottles of Jack single handedly, and talks often about beers. He is also still late to work every day, still plays videogames with a beer on his hand.
Happy is a term one can use as a torture tool. Believe me I have seen EX almost daily due to work. And they tell me he and hs new gf are very very happy. I have suffered way too much thinking "they are happy" and not me.
Now for the Reality Check.
Does drinking a beer make me happy? no.
Does drinking daily make me happy? no.
Do I live waiting for the weekend and hating weekdays? no.
Am I happy with a boyfriend irresponsible at work? no.
Am I happy with a boyfriend that checks out women and comments on them wth ME? no.
Am I happy with a boyfriend that often forgets what he did last night? no.
Am I happy with a boyfriend that feels superior? no.
Does peace make me happy? yes
Does yoga make me happy? yes
Does dancing, kickboxing, etc make me happy? yes
Does calling friends who really know me and care, make me happy? yes
Does watching "sex and the city" make me happy? yes
Does taking care of my cats make me happy? yes
Does reading make me happy? yes
Do walks on parks make me happy? yes
Music, painting, concerts, drawing Garfield cartoons, shopping for organic food, spiritual books, international radio stations, working hard, singing, going to a new restaurant, enjoying an artsy movie, caring for my pets, volunteering, becoming involved in causes, ALL of that was either trash, boring or non existant to EX.
And its OK. That is why we are different people.
Am I willing to forget all that and give my life to alcohol? NO.
Is he willing to forget everything and give his life to alcohol? YES. DID, DOES, and PLANS ON going on! yay!!
The question is not "the happy A?" throw him a bottle of vodka and you got it.
... so much for a life with meaning. The question is "the happy GINGER?". WHO IS TAKING CARE OF HER?????? who is trying to find out what she enjoys, what makes her smile... what fuels her desire to live-nay, strive? what fills her heart with enthusiasm and joy. WHO? whose job is it.. really??
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