nodaybut2day

Just to be clear, since I was the one who made the pathetic moron comment...I refered to this particular fellow as a moron not because he's an active addict, but because he's a lying cheat who uses his drinking as an excuse for his infidelity.

FormerDoormat

I'm sorry, NoDay. That wasn't meant as a criticism. It saddens me to see people referred to in that manner. I guess I'm finally past the anger stage and I view things differently now that my reactions aren't based on anger.

coffeedrinker

I agree, Doormat. I've just never been a name-caller, and I feel a little sad when I read them. But I understand that everyone's got a different personality, and everyone's in a slightly different place.

I think it's ok to hear a reminder every once in awhile, that these are humans in a great deal of pain themselves. It's probably also ok to get our anger on the table every once in awhile by referring to those who have caused us such anguish, as lowlifes or morons or whatever. But it does make me feel bad to do so.

TakingCharge999

gmc, I support you.

I have cheated, been cheated on. That world is sad and it is a huge blessing to finally start learning about respect.

"It is harder to fight a ghost than a human" is what Virgina Wolf said. Well now it is not an idealized version of this person, now you see the human.
Are his actions tolerable to you? no.

That's all that matters.

I also find sad that there are women out there willing to be friends or share something intimate with people like him. Please take a STD/HIV test soon.

None of that has anything to do with you. And it is not personal either. I remember when I was doing stupid stuff like that. I was totally MISERABLE, hadn't any respect for myself AT ALL, felt like a total loser and it was all about me and my pain.

Hugs!! let all the feelings out without censorship -but in safe places like SR, journal, therapist, etc.

Summerpeach

I'm a loving spiritual person, but have no issue with reality in that some people are just a waste of life energy.
Not every living being is worthy of love and some souls are just destine to be pathetic.
I'm a believer in the yin/yang (good/evil) and not all souls are created alike.

But this is a whole other topic.

TakingCharge999

Also I don't get why some people marry if they are not 100% commited?? I mean, go share bed with someone different every night if you wish, but while you are SINGLE and the others know what they are up to and agree. Sheesh.

spinwc

I think its the thrill, they feel desired. They want to keep what is familiar (spouse, sign. other) but want that chase feeling again. Its a high.

That "high" will always come to an end. Grass may be greener on the other side, but you gotta mow it eventually too!

Learn2Live

I understand completely where Doormat is coming from because this may be very true and I have just as much empathy for the plight of the alcoholic, and have stood up for them also on this site. However, my attitude about it on this forum has changed recently because OUR problem as codependents is that we have TOO MUCH sympathy or empathy, we expend our SELVES and our lives to answer to pain that THEY should be dealing with themselves, and we settle for and take all kinds of abuse. If as codependents we did not have this problem, and if it weren't repeated here on this forum so very often, then I'd say fine, let's all be humanitarian in our posts. But the reality is, gmc is my focus here and I feel I am here to support HER, not HIM, and the best way I can do that is to show her that I feel he is WRONG to cheat on her. AND an a$$hole for doing so.

OK, run-on paragraph, sorry. How are you feeling gmc?

gmc

I agree with what everyone said! I agree with all the thoughts about the alcoholic. Yes, he has been miserable, I know that. He has been in a personal hell struggling with it. I have been a terror to live with for the last 2 years. My own family used to ask me if I loved him because I had grown so obviously cold to him. That was my reaction to his drinking and the lies. I own up to that. I also know there is no excuse for his cheating. We BOTH were miserable in this relationship. Not only him and not only me. But III did not cheat. I never would have found any excuse to cheat on him.

I feel calmer now (after bawling my eyes out). I am getting my affairs in order - locks are getting changed today, figuring out finances, etc. In this calmer moment, I think I will keep the appt with the counselor next week because I need to deal with this straight on. There is no denying this reality - we are not together..there is no denying my anger, my shame, etc. His relationship with our daughter is strong and I hope to keep it that way. I need to resolve these issues with him and have good counseling on how we raise our daughter together though we are not together.

This cheating I found out about was pre-outpatient-rehab. He had changed a lot during the last four months. Too bad for the relapse, because it meant I found out about two other relapses that were post-IOP and about the cheating that was pre-IOP. A**hole. His sponsor, therapist, and counselor all knew about the relapses and told him to get back up and keep working the program. I probably would have said the same thing had I known he'd relapsed when it happened. But also, thank god for that relapse, because now I know he cheated. Well, he is still working the program, I dont doubt that he has not drank the last 3 weeks, and I hope for his sake he continues on that route. That would be great for him and our daughter.

As for me, well, I have to keep moving forward and continue my own counseling, my own al-anon work, get tested, get my daughter set up with a counselor, and I will go to this joint counselor appt we have next week for an idea of how to move forward, though, it is now a 'how do we go through this separation / divorce, hopefully resolve some issues and feelings, and raise our daughter separately" appt.

Man, life just sucks sometimes. I soooo don't feel I deserve this. But it sure is what I got anyways.

gmc

Paintbaby

I feel ya, gal. Thankfully, the suckiness is NOT permanent. You just gotta get though it. Which you are. And there is nothing better than a good cry to clean out all the static and keep a clear head. I'd say your "detox" from your ex is going beautifully, even if it feels like crap right now. Your old life, one fraught with tension, disappointments, and lies and heartbreak, is dying. Your new life is going to be exactly what you want and deserve. What does THAT look like? Keep your eyes on the prize!

Learn2Live

gmc
I wish I were as strong as you when I was going through these kind of relationship/break-up issues!!!! Way to go!

FormerDoormat

I don’t believe my problem was having too much empathy for others, but rather a tendency to become obsessed with people and things (i.e., my late alcoholic boyfriend and overeating) so I could avoid dealing with my fears, frustration, anger, and lack of self confidence. As long as I was obsessed with external things I could blame all my problems on them and avoid making changes in myself. Codependency is a non-drinker's alcohol, so to speak. Drinkers get lost in a bottle. I got lost in a drinker. It had nothing to do with an over abundance of empathy.

Learn2Live

I am so with you on that FormerDoormat. It is a very scary thing to take 100% responsibility for ALL your decisions and therefore, all of the outcomes.

gmc

I completely agree too, FormerDoormat! Concentrating on him and living with the situation certainly gave me a reason to not go out there and do things for myself. It gave me lots of reasons why I could'nt start new projects, go out and make my own friends, etc. I have always seen that yet have never done anything about it. I have not been strong enough to change it.

I don't know if I am being strong right now, I am doing what I THINK is healthy and hoping my HP lights my way and gives me wisdom and discernment. I am constantly praying I am doing the right thing. WHY AM I SO DAMMMED CALM ABOUT THIS?!! I mean, really?! Is it shock or something?