pear123

I found underwear, a secret phone, a necklace, and more. There are 2 texts on the phone from his work phone. He forwarded them to this secret phone.

If it weren't for me actually seeing "forwarded from [his work phone]" with my eyes, I wouldn't believe it.

I had found underwear before and he had an entire story about how he found it on the freeway and I believed it back then.

But this stuff....why does my mind want to keep thinking he didn't cheat? I can't get my mind to wrap around it.

I mean, even if you are an alcoholic, wouldn't you know you are cheating with someone?

My mind still wants to keep going back to maybe he did find it.

Learn2Live

Good question. That's probably just denial Pear. Your brain might not be ready to accept it fully yet. Be patient with yourself.

Freedom1990

My EXAH was a habitual cheater. I too found all sort of things, which he always had an explanation for.

I couldn't wrap my mind around it either for a long time because it was just too painful, and I didn't want to go there.

I kept lowering my bar of standards over that 5 year period.

To actually deal with the feelings of anger and betrayal was something I did not want to do, so I stuck my head in the sand.

Today I know I deserve better than that.

pear123

The best that I can come up with is that my husband, the one I married, would never have cheated.

I get that he lies every single day, drinks, lost a job, duis.....all that I get because he is an alcoholic. Then when they seek recovery, you would expect to see none of that.

But the cheating, I can't link it to alcoholism. That is where I am struggling.

That no matter how drunk you are, I am assuming you know when you are cheating. I'm not an alcoholic, but I would think you would know.

So it is easier to see the lying, hiding, duis, ect. as alcoholism, but the cheating I'm not able to link it to.

I don't know if that makes sense.

dollydo

By denying the obvious, you are only hurting yourself, you are holding yourself back. You cannot change the truth, it is what it is.

He is a cheater, let him cheat on someone else, he will, they always do. To a cheater, it is all in the game.

No reason to keep rehashing and making excuses for the truth, let it go, move forward with your life.

Startingover2

UGH! Dont get me started on this!

My exah says he only cheated when drinking....so if he stopped drinking he would stop cheating. Well, he still hasn't stopped drinking and still has not stopped cheating or at the very least stopped his inappropriate friendships. Still alot of lies. Still alot of denial. I swear he is the most misunderstood guy on this planet the way he defends his behavior!

Freedom1990

So are you excusing those behaviors because they are linked to alcoholism?

How long did you know your AH before you got married?

pear123

I am divorcing him. I don't think I am trying to change the truth. I'm just asking why is it I can't accept the truth?

I get the lying to my face, stealing, and hiding beer and all that is about alcoholism, but I don't see the connection with cheating.

We have kids together and my guess is I will see this man in the future. I had been married to him for 18 years. Cheating is just a hard pill to swallow.

lulu1974

Pear,
U dont deserve this. You are a wonderful person. So worthy of love and respect.

May his manliness catch on fire and burn off for what he did to you.

BIG HUGS and MANY HUGS
Lulu

pear123

I don't think I am excusing these behaviors, in the sense of "well it's okay that you lie to my face or steal from my parents". But I can see why you lie about driving because you were buying beer. You steal because you needed money to buy beer. All links to beer. But sleeping with someone is not about alcoholism.

We have know each other since I was 16.

Startingover2

This is the best thing I have heard all day!!!

suki44883

I get the lying to my face, stealing, and hiding beer and all that is about alcoholism, but I don't see the connection with cheating.

Connection to what? Alcoholism? People don't cheat because they are alcoholics. They cheat because they are cheaters. It has nothing whatsoever to do with you and it has nothing whatsoever to do with drinking. You may be in denial right now, but in the back of your mind, you know he cheated. Eventually, you will admit it to yourself.

transformyself

Looks like you're in that stage of trying to make sense of the betrayal. You may also still be in the denial and bargaining stage too. I searched, snooped, verified. Hell, I even dressed up like Muslim women with my sons gay acting coach and staked out AH's house. All so I could believe it was really happening.

Thank you for posting this because it's helped me realize I don't give a rats ass WHY he behaves teh way he behaves anymore. AH or anyone else, really. The behavior is what matters. My boundaries are what matters.

But you're in a different place. I"m sorry Pear. I really am. I know how you're struggling. Getting through it will be tough but when you come out the other side you'll know how strong you are. Mark my words.

About the cheating being part of the alcoholism. I think it's really a matter of being a scumbag, on the inside. It's easy to for him to lie. Easy for him to betray you. Easy for him to cheat himself. That's all.

If I remember correctly, you're also struggling with some other huge issues like how you let it get this bad and him stealing money from you six year old? And you're still living together?

Dude, you're in an INSANE situation. Mucho crazy. It's all real Pear. He stole from your daughter. he cheated on you. He is bat sh!t crazy and selfish and it's all true. I'm sorry. The further you get away from him emotionally, the more insane it will all appear to you. Eventually you'll get him out of the house and have your peace. For now, you'll have to work for it.

Are you in therapy? I'd recommend it, even though at the peak of the madness with my AH I didn't go into therapy. I was entangled, deeply entangled in that chaos.

Just keep breathing. Keep doing things every day for yourself. Talk walks, long ones. Get exercise. Keep coming here and posting. And I hope you're able to go to some meetings as well?

Big hugs Girlie.

praiseHim

The pain of that is very hard to face

Freedom1990

Well, let me speak from the side of a recovering alcoholic now, okay?

My first husband (a normie) divorced me because when I drank, I couldn't keep my pants up. I was a bar-hopper. He was at home with the baby, and I was out whooping it up.

I'm ashamed to say that, but that's the way it was.

I know today how deeply I hurt him. He went on to marry a wonderful woman and they had two sons.

I've made my amends to him.

I never cheated on a man again, drunk or sober, after he divorced me.

Taking5

Is he in AA?

There is a saying in the rooms of AA: "What do you get when you sober up a horse thief? Answer: A sober horse thief". The point is, the 12 steps of AA, and the program of AA point out that our drinking is but a symptom of bigger problems.

If you quit drinking and work the steps, especially steps 4 - 9, your character defects and past wrongs are identified, restitution or amends to others made, etc. In steps 10-12, we take daily inventory of our actions so that bad behaviors and destructive thinking do not resurface, and if they do, we take immediate corrective action, and vow to help other alcoholics.

This is a life-time commitment - there is no graduation ceremony in AA.

This is why AA is a 12 step program. If all there was to it was to stop drinking, it would be a 1 step program. Stopping the flow of booze down his gullet does not, in and of itself, address his other character defects, while AA does, if he embraces it.

And of course, you do not have to stick around for any of this if you do not want to. You can draw boundaries any time you want and move forward with your life.

Good luck.

aboutdone

I'm sorry your going through all this.

I understand your POV pear. I really do. However at some point we reach an understanding that it doesn't really matter why. The fact of it is, it happened.

When I look back on my life and the few relationships I have had before this current one, I realize how many times I tolerated complete and utter BS. How many times I believed or told myself, that it took a strong person to stay and keep trying to make it work.

I know celebrity status isn't quite the same here, but when I see Sandra Bullock, it inspires me. Who knows what went on behind the scenes, but for public viewing, it seems it was as simple as " you cheated on me?, really? ok....Bye Bye".

That is what I have aspired to be lately. I draw my boundaries, and that is that. There is no more 3 strikes your out. You step out on this relationship, your gone. You drink a beer, your gone. Period. End of conversation.

I think for codependent, or someone that has put up with so much in the relationship, we do at times try to either rationalize their behavior, or chalk it up to there is no way they would have made that final step.

I don't think he cheated because he is alcoholic. However I think alcohol makes it easier for them to cheat. They manipulate so much to be an addict, that the lying, cheating, stealing is 2nd nature to them. It is as if they have an entitlement to do whatever they want, whenever they want, and they either do not care about the consequences, or truly believe they will never get caught. It is insane.

On a final note, we never truly know why someone does what they do. We only know why we do what we do, so trying to figure it out, is basically the insanity of it all. As far as accepting the fact that he cheated...well, it is your own defense mechanism, wanting so much to believe that he wouldn't do that to you. I think the proof you have says he did, and you deserve so much better.

Hugs!

pear123

To answer questions....I am seeing a counselor who is really helping.

And as far as AA, he goes to AA and he has a sponsor. However, he drinks before and after meetings and drinks while talking to his sponsor. He hasn't done any steps.

I think my mind is trying to compartmentalize things....okay he steals because he wants beer....ect. You know like the lying....why does he lie to me I used to asK? But then I read that poem by the addict, and I got it...he lies because he is an alcoholic. So all these behaviors can be attributed to his disease. He has a disease and wouldn't do these things if his disease wasn't active. But the cheating, that is not due to a disease....

pear123

He had told me that he liked to wear them and had this whole story....

But now when I found them recently coupled with the texts, it is right there.

Freedom1990

I've been around the rooms of AA since 1986, and have never seen a single instance of anyone sponsoring a person who's drinking before and after the meetings, and I've never seen a sponsor who allowed someone to talk to them while drinking unless the sponsor was making a 12th step call.