Contacted my lawyer
 

I sent my lawyer an email and told her to serve him. This time I wont change my mind. I felt like an idiot emailing her because I have been so back and forth with this and hope she understands. So at some point this week he will get the papers and have a stroke of all my terms and either celebrate by getting drunk with his new mistress or get depressed and get drunk. Either way the bars better get ready!

I must confess, I wanted to make him squirm for a while because I pretty much know he wouldnt do it and he knows me well enough to know I will. And So he has been waiting on me to get this done as usual while he travels around the country with his mistress and goes to meet her parents. So most likely told her the divorce was in process when he has done **** and was hoping I would. A real gem I know. Best wishes to his newest victim. I am sure her parents loved him andhis charming ways. Poor suckers.

But in the end my dignity is more important. I read an Alanon book today and I realized I was just making things worse for myself.

So I have to say I am smiling and happy about this. A bit scared of the unknown but it cant get any worse. There is nothing left for him to do to me. He has broken every vow and every promise he ever made. So as in Alanon I have boundries and choices. He broke my boundries so the choices were mine.

Thanks for sharing this monumental moment in my life. 6/14/2010 is the day I took my life back legally. Just a few months and I will be totally free.

Hugs
Lulu

Congratulations Lulu.
I remember when I realized all of my worst fears had come true regarding my husband. He'd not only gotten a girlfriend, but was madly in love with her. Worst fears ever. And I felt--totally free~! there was nothing more for him to do. Not only that, but I didn't die. The earth didn't open up and swallow me. It was living hell for a year or so, yes, but it's also offered me absolute peace.

I started to take my life back. Like you're doing now. It's an amazing thrilling, comforting journey and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Good for you! Don't fret, attornies are use to the back n forth. A divorce is first an emotional issue, then it becomes strictly business. You had to get over the emotional step first.

Now down to business!

Hugs,

Dolly

Congrats Lulu. You deserve happiness and respect!

I like the part where you say that you have boundaries and choices. They have been there for you to enforce all along and will take to places where you can feel good about yourself as you are already seeing.

(And don't worry about what your lawyer thinks - they are used to it. I told mine to file three times in two years. Each time I phrased as the lawyer did - ready or not ready yet. No pressure.)

It is about your process and the choices you decide to make. No need to worry about the outcome because it will be ok if you are ok. My husband is waiting for me to take care of things also, but I decided that just like the stand I took with him about how to treat me - I decided that includes the divorce as well. If I want one or need one to take care of me I will do it in a NY minute. If you are ready - take care.

Thanks everyone for your very wonderful statements...

Transform, you are so right..I am still here and the world didnt fall apart cause of what he did. Actually everything seems the same!

Kassie, I am so glad you mentioned about the back and forth. It really has been too much for me always changing my mind..

Dolly,. yes business. The business of freedom and to have my own life.

My alanon book had this great section about reality. It occured to me I wasnt looking at my situation as reality. Maybe it would hurt too much to do so after all he did. But then I went down the list of the last 18 months worth of my hurt. Each thing he did, I asked myelf did he have other choices? The answer was yes. He chose to make the choices he did knowing they will affect and hurt me or simply not caring if they would. That ladies and gentlemen is the reality of my life. Now I will have choices of who or what I let in and if I allow them to hurt me.
Can you imagine? I can get out of a bad marriage and stop allowing someone to keep hurting me. It will be a miracle but it will be my reality..

Hugs
Lulu

Now you can change your location from fantasyland :)

Wow is all I can say. So very true. My fantasy crashed and burned and there is now new growth and life...

Will change :)

How'bout: The Shore Or.. What exit? LOL!!

sorry, couldn't help it :)

Congratulations Lulu! I echo the sentiments of Transform, as I too also faced my deepest fears of rejection and abandonment and didn't die. I also felt free after a while, knowing that what I feared the most really wasn't that bad. In fact, it made me a billion times stronger and way more able to embrace the life I really want. I distinctly remember thinking, "The man that I love doesn't love me anymore," and feeling the pain of that for all that it was, but then having a little lightbulb go off that asked, "Well, do YOU like you?" It was kind of the beginning of a journey for me.

Love it..What exit, NJ...lol

Truthfully. I dont love him. I am addicted to him. Its weird to realize that. I stopped loving him a while ago but wanting to control him is a whole other matter.

I told the lawyer. I dont want to know. You do your job and I am living my life. Let me know when the court date is. I dont need a play by play of when he will be served etc. I have a life to live. No space in my head for the drama. Real life awats. :c029:

:ring

Yay for you Lulu!!!

And when you are ready I admit although some feelings tugging at my heart, I am ready. I chose me. I chose my life. I chose my happiness. I chose to recover. I have choices to make to make my life worthy. I have a choice to get my self esteem and self worth back and never have anyone take that away from me again. I thank God for this place and Alanon. My saving grace.

lulu great thread!! thanks a lot!! you are becoming much wiser.

Yes to remember they always had many choices and didn't give a damn..hurts, but after the hurt it is very freeing. Because it was their decision, it is who they are, the reason why we chose to go away.

Today I passed XABF and his usual friends and it was funny because I was walking on the corridor towards my place. On the far end there was a really nice friend also involved in self growth stuff, a quite happy/healthy person and we walked towards each other until we hugged! XABF +friends were just noise in the background.

It was fun because before I went -not walking but running- towards XABF and all kinds of sad and toxic ppl and situations and I ignored friends and family all that time. Now that I reconnect with them I feel much better... I feel the real me.

I see Positive changes coming up for you :) a great visualization is to imagine a HUGE luxurious room full of gifts of all colors sizes and shapes and imagine that is what HP has in store for you! believe it, its true.

Thank you for sharing and I love the visualization of all the gifts. That makes me feel giddy. This is a process that cant be rushed I am seeing but the roller coaster has slowed down immensely. Now there is only a bump on the ride here and there. How cool is that????

Hugs
Lulu

Transform, I have to say his mistress is what made me lose it. After all his years of professing his love for me and how I am the one and only and hearing this for 10 years and then "poof". It hurt my self worth, my self value and it still irks me today. It makes me feel not good enough and so irreplaceable. Even though its coming from him, who is so sick in the head he has no idea what he is doing. I know this logically. But his actions of throwing me to the curb, they hurt the most. I am making peace with this slowly but isnt it funny how the infidelity hurt me the most? Not the fraud, the alcoholism, not the lieing. It was the threat of someone better than me that hurt the most. Says a lot about me and what I need to focus on in recovery.

I wanted to get that off my chest. One day I hope to be at peace with this small piece of the puzzle that happens to have been my life.

Hugs
Lulu

I need to tell you LuLu, that it is all in the way you look at it. I know where you are coming from, believing all this you believe and feeling so badly about it, and letting it tear up your heart and your life, but in my opinion, the ONLY reason he is gone and gone with another woman is because YOU WERE FINISHED WITH HIM. There doesn't even exist anything or anyone "better" than you, you make that all up in your head. We are ALL equal in worth.

You were done with him LuLu, LONG ago. You are just taking a while to catch up to that decision. Now you are speeding up the process. Good for you for settling into your decision. Stick with it.

He said the same thing a while back...I guess its a process. Thank you sooo much Learn2Live. I will keep repeating this. I will treat it like a habit and try to break this pattern of thinking. Am getting my Language of Letting go cd's out now. Whatever helps.. Whatever helps ME..

So many hugs
Lulu

Ah yes, the whole affair thing was what nearly kilt me, I swear. It madly pushed my abandonment buttons. I remember crying so hard at times that I threw up. It was awful, the betrayal. I stayed stuck in it too. I talked about it to strangers.

But from the beginning, when I found out about her, I knew I had to focus on myself. Knew I had to take myself out of the victim role and start figuring out how to live on my own. How to be self sufficient.

I feel like a broken record but one fo the best things I did was let hte poeple who love me do so.

LuLu, Look at YOU. Turn your gaze from on HIM to on YOU. Try this exercise:

Get out the largest piece of paper there is in the house. (Once, I used brown craft paper. Another time I used giant post-it note posters. You can tape several sheets of regular paper together too.) Now, write down a list of all the good things about yourself, all your strengths, all your abilities, all your talents. Use different colored markers if you have them.

To help you see the good in who you are, also look back on YOU from when you were younger. Were you athletic? If so, you're probably still athletic now. Artistic? Creative? Kind? You get the idea. Now write all those things out, in BIG letters so that you can read every word from across the room. Next, tape that big poster up where you will see it AT LEAST twice a day, preferably more than twice a day. Read it and add to it every day.

The reason I made up this exercise is because I as in bad relationships where my self-esteem was DEMOLISHED. I was crying and feeling bad about me ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. This exercise WORKS. Give it a try.

Wow Learn to Live..This was a very powerful exercise. I am staring at my sheets with who I am in my living room. Hard to believe that is me. Many hugs to you for your suggestion...I think this will be very helpful.

Hugs
Lulu

Lulu-look at it like I do. It doesnt matter if he has 10 women. The outcome will be the same. They are unhappy, unhealthy people who project unhappy, unhealthy relationships. In time, the new relationships will be ruined by booze and lies. And its not about replacing you. To me, they need to find someone new to play their mind games on.

I dont know if mine actually cheated or not (chances are yes). I never caught him. But if he is with someone new, God help her. She is in for a ride!

Congrats Lulu.

Someone once told me, "your done with him, you just don't know it yet". I would say that applies, huh? Only now, you know it.

And honestly, I wouldn't waste time thinking she is better than you....would you run around with another woman's man? I think not. There is nothing about her better than you.

You are very strong and will do find through this. Congrats on sending it through to the lawyer, AND telling her you didn't want the drama, just the court date. I love it!!!!

Thank you for this. No I would not run around with another woman's husband and havent broken my vows to him either. Not for him but for me. I believe in morals and values. Because of this, I am getting divorced. But no..I wouldnt date a married man until he was divorced. Guess she doesnt really care. That makes me feel a whole lot better. LOL.
Hugs Hugs and more Hugs

Lulu, you have not only set the divorce ball rolling, NOW you have given yourself permission to move on and create the life you want. May it be wonderful for you.

Congratulations.

God bless

"BAM"<--- yeah, you go girl!

I'm so happy you're getting your power back :-)

I just want to protect myself. Primarily my heart. Staying in this this situation would be no good for me. Am sure it may be a tough week for me or maybe not. I do envision my life as a big room with lots of gifts from my HP waiting for me. I am doing just fine. Soon it will be all over...

Hugs
Lulu