Jenny1232

Okay.. so I haven't even started to work steps (still educating myself on everything), but I just cannot even get past step one.

I do not believe we are powerless. The mind is the most powerful tool we have... and, I just can't accept the fact we are powerless.

I believe through self-help, education, support, and a total insight of knowledge, one becomes powerful.

I can not attribute that power - to a higher power - unless that higher power, is the power linked to the mind.

Does this make sense?

I cannot tell myself I completely lack the control to have power over ones thoughts, behaviors, etc.

With knowledge, comes power. I believe we all hold the key to that. We all make choices.. and that is within our OWN power.

So, how do I accept the fact I am powerless.. when I do not believe this? Weak, yes. Naive, yes. Oblivious, yes. Powerless, No.

We change our thoughts, we change our patterns, we educate ourselves, and change our beliefs.. and then we GAIN POWER of ourselves.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Taking5

I do feel I am powerless over alcohol once it enters my body. If I had any power over alcohol I would never have abused it. However I know people - even people who are sober in AA - that completely agree with you.

Have you read the big book yet? If not, read it, there are several stories in there that explain powerlessness from the writer's point of view.

Good luck!

Kassie2

I think being powerless refers to being powerless over other people and their behavior - hence the situation. We are powerless over controlling what another person does, says etc. We are only in control over our own reaction.

spinwc

I do not believe you are powerless over changing your own actions, thoughts, etc. You are capable of anything if you put your mind and heart to it. Power is an awesome thing.

But I feel I am powerless over my xabf's actions, thoughts, behavior, etc.

Change is a powerful thing. But it only happens when that person wants it. As much as I want that person to change, he is the only one with the power to make the change, not me. I can only change my behavior in how I respond to the madness in this relationship.

Someone told me "Dont ever shrink to fit". Wow. That was powerful words to me. It was an eye opener to me that I need to make the change, not him and that I have that power to change it, not him.

sesh

I don't think admitting you are powerless over somebody's alcoholism excludes anything you said. If you were the acoholic than it could be in your power, in the power of your mind if you like it, to change it. But I don't see how power of your mind can change anyone but you, so the fact you are powerless over your XABF alcoholism remains.
You said with knowledge comes power, true, but with knowledge also comes the understanding your powers are not superpowers, and you can only excercise the power of your mind on yourself not other people.
So I believe the first step simply means admitting we can't control someone else's drinking, not admitting we are powerless in life alltogether.

Soph

We are powerless over alcohol. Those are the words in Step One (part of the words - the rest is, obviously, that our lives had become unmanageable.)

If I recall correctly, your alcoholic ex chose to go to a bar after his stint in the ER, rather than hang out in your living room. Did you change his mind? No. Even you did not hold the power over alcohol in that circumstance. You were powerless.

Think about it.

Hugs,
Soph

Freedom1990

This is why it's recommended to get a sponsor who will guide you through the steps. You are totally misinterpreting step 1.

We are powerless over alcoholism/addiction/other people *insert word of choice*.

We cannot make an addict or alcoholic get well. We are powerless over their addiction/alcoholism.

Please get to some meetings, find yourself a sponsor, and work those steps as they should be.

My sponsor has been one of the most important people in my life in recovery.

DesertEyes

Yup

The thing about the steps is that they are a condensed version of the whole program of recovery. That's why there's so many other books and pamphlets and meetings and sponsor and on and on and on.

I learned that the best way to work the steps is to read them _backwards_. And look at how the words fit together that way.

"1- We admited we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

So I start with "unmanageable".

Was my life unmanageable? Lessee, my emotions were all over the place, our friends were avoiding us, I spent all my time taking care of my addicted ex-wife, I was so stressed out I couldn't sleep, we needed to move to find work but she refused to leave a house that was losing value every day. Yes, my life was clearly not going the way I wanted it to, and there was nothing I did that would fix it. That is the definition of unmanageable.

"had become". Did my life change over time? Yes it did. When we first got married our life was just fine. Sure we had all the usual "stuff" that life sends but we were handling things and moving right along. We had a perfectly normal life. Not perfect, but nowhere near insane. The insane came later as my ex-wife got addicted to pain pills and other womens' husbands.

"alcohol". Or in my case, pain pills. Yes, that was at the center of all our problems. If only she'd quit, we'd get our lives back.

"powerless". Now that I am reading the step backwards, I see where "powerless" fits in. I was unable to manage my life the way I wanted it, because of her addiction to pills. I could not control her addiction, no matter what I tried. I was powerless over that, but what I was _not_ powerless over is everything else in my life. I still had choices, as long as they didn't involve _her_ addiction.

"admitted". Well that means that I stop sticking my head in the sand and pretend that somehow, someway, some kind of magic will happen and she will change. Magic doesn't happen in real life. If my ex wants to change she will do it when, and if, she wants to. Not because I am trying to manipulate and control her into changing. That's the tricky part to step one. I have to admit that I have been denying her the dignity of making her own choices in life, and have treated her as if she were a child that cannot be responsible for her own life.

"We". That's the good news. I don't have to do this alone anymore. I can listen to the wisdom of the millions of people in al-anon all over the world and learn how to fix this problem without making it worse.

Oh, and by the way, there's nothing in this step about a "Higher Power". Another thing I learned about working the steps is that they are a lot easier to do if I do them just one at a time

Mike

sesh

Hitting the thank you button is not enough here (and also it doesn't work for some reason too) so I just have to write it:
Mike,
I LOVE YOUR POST!!!

Bolina

How can you even begin to be powerful over someone else's choices?

Jenny1232

Okay, before I even read all these responses...

I didn't mean powerless over helping him. This was meant for me, and only me.

I've been to AA, EDA, and OA. They all start with - being powerless over MY addictions.

Well, I've helped myself through all of them, and don't really consider having much of a problem. I guess I didn't realize for the CODA it meant being powerless over someone else's choices (I completely agree, I am entirely powerless over his choices), and for ACOA (well I'm not sure, powerless of childhood?).. which I too believe I am powerless over what happened, but not over where I stand now?

I'm sorry - I should have specified more what I meant. This is all, with him aside, and entirely about me.

I just feel like, I have the control to do what I want and need... so I don't consider myself powerless. However, over him, well most certainly..

And, with all that aside - I am a love addict, or whatever we shall call it.. but, am I really even powerless over that? Doubtful...

I knew I wasn't making any sense - I'm sorry.

Bolina

You are powerful over you and your choices.

You are powerless over others.

As for the bit in between, get a sponsor :rotfxko

Jenny1232

Okay, so I'm a huge dummy. If I'm doing steps for CODA.. well number one is easy to fly through. I realize with 100% certainity that his life choices are completely beyond my control - which is fine by me!

This, really is all about me... BUT, step two: "came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity".

Well, that one sticks out too.. Okay, I admit I'm powerless... But, a power GREATER than me restoring me to sanity, I don't agree.

Could that power come in the form of education?
Could that power come in the form of these support groups?

I'm just really confused by the term, "a power greater than us" - because, as I said.. I believe we all hold the power to fix what's wrong with us.

I'm really not making much sense-but, it does make sense to me...

Jenny1232

"You are powerful over you and your choices."

"You are powerless over others."

I completely understand, and agree with that. I'm just a tad confused.. how a higher power will restore me back to sanity. Unless, that is the power of my mind?

Ugh, I'm frustrating myself and sound like a huge dummy... nevermind this thread. I'm not making any sense here...

Bolina

What about SR? Or your 12 step group?

I am not a believer in a deity. I am a collective consciousness kinda gal. I believed that the collective wisdom of people that had gone before me would restore me to sanity. And they did. I also have a couple of friends that I met on-line through this process who do just that. Why does it have to be a sky pixie?

Jenny1232

Agreed with that Bolina.

If the higher power can consist of the support received here, or therapy, or etc.. then I tend to agree.

I guess I don't agree with the whole sky pixie idea.

Sorry if I sound rude. I'm not trying to be. I guess I couldn't clearly state what I meant.

Bolina

You did fine.

Not everyone is a believer in a theistic god. And it's ok not to do so.

Shouldn't stop you working your way through the steps, though. Figuring out the god stuff was my most rewarding bit, I think. And I still don't believe in one.

DesertEyes

yup, yup. I'm an alphabet soup kinda guy too. AA, ACoA, ISA, Al-Anon.

That one is "powerless over my past". As an ACoA I had a habit of becoming addicted to trying to get my toxic parents to acknowledge the damage they did, to admit the wreckage of their past as it affected me. Then I spent most of my life obsessing over that, instead of fixing _me_. I lived in the fantasy of a past that never was, and was missing out on making a healthy future for myself.

As an alanoid I become addicted to a fantasy marriage that never was. Same disorder, different addict.

yup and yup. Shrink, counselor, social worker, support group, the world-wide experience of al-anon, Good Orderly Direction. This is a program of results, so whatever works for you is what the program recommends.

It's called "asking the plumber to cure cancer". One thing that is common across all the 12 step programs is that us "addictive personalities" spend an inordinate amount of time trying to fix ourselves without help from experts. I know I sure did. I get myself into a mess, whether it be over my toxic parents, or my addict ex-wife, or what have you, and where do I turn for the solution to my problems? To my own mind.

The very same mind that got me in this mess to begin with.

Now _that_ is insane.

It's like asking a plumber to cure cancer. That's nuts. Healthy people who come upon a problem that is making their life unmanageable ask for help. Loudly.

The purpose of the "Higher Power" concept is to shake my thick skull into the realization that I need help from somebody who is an expert in my kind of situation. Someone who has a higher level of experience and knowledge in my problem than I do.

Because if I _could_ fix my own problem I would have done so a long time ago and would never have wound up at SR in the first place

no worries. I can't think of anybody who made a lick of sense when they first got started. That's the whole reason why SR exists, to help us make sense of the insanity of addiction.

Mike

Taking5

Agreed, for an Alanon member. The OP sounded like she is the A, I may have misread that.

Jenny1232

Mike,

This really stuck out:

"That one is "powerless over my past". As an ACoA I had a habit of becoming addicted to trying to get my toxic parents to acknowledge the damage they did, to admit the wreckage of their past as it affected me. Then I spent most of my life obsessing over that, instead of fixing _me_. I lived in the fantasy of a past that never was, and was missing out on making a healthy future for myself.

As an alanoid I become addicted to a fantasy marriage that never was. Same disorder,
different addict."

I cried for a long time yesterday, because of the impact my parents drinking had on me. My feelings of being neglected or deprived. Honestly, I have no idea of how to tackle this issue. I've been told to express to them, exactly how I feel about it. I've NEVER been able to have open communication with my parents. I love them dearly, but I just don't know how to talk to them about what my childhood has done to me. I don't think they'd even understand.

How did you come to terms with this? I'm trying to fix me, but I feel so damaged.