Disheartening
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 94
Disheartening
It gets disheartening to read all the posts. Sure, you can get support and encouragement, but what about those (I suppose few and far between) that are with a spouse that is a recovering alcoholic? Many post and say, "good for you for leaving that person, now your life won't be poisoned", "now you won't have years of heartbreak", and so on and so forth. Addiction is a disease. If your spouse had cancer or severe diabetes, would you treat them the same as you do with addiction? Believe me... I know it's not totally the same. However, it is coming back to addiction is a disease.
I am proud to say that my spouse has now been sober for one year. I put my faith and trust in God (that's who my higher power is) because I truly believe that God brought my spouse and I together. I have a family history of alcoholism and extensive schooling/ training in addiction. I do know that living with someone who is addicted can be truly life draining. All have to make decisions for themselves and pray for guidance and direction. Maybe that is leaving that person behind. However, I know through my prayer and guidance, for me, it was staying with my husband. My husband always calls me his "angel". It brings tears to my eyes when he calls me that. Maybe I am codependent, maybe I am a fool for staying with him, but what I know, he's been sober for one year, we have been married for one year and I could not be happier or prouder of being with my husband and experiencing with him his life change.
It would be truly helpful if there was a forum devoted to Al Anon and us working the steps. Al Anon is not about complaining about the alcoholic/ addict in our life, but changing the focus to ourselves. Working to change our attitude and behaviors to help aid recovery and give understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.
I am proud to say that my spouse has now been sober for one year. I put my faith and trust in God (that's who my higher power is) because I truly believe that God brought my spouse and I together. I have a family history of alcoholism and extensive schooling/ training in addiction. I do know that living with someone who is addicted can be truly life draining. All have to make decisions for themselves and pray for guidance and direction. Maybe that is leaving that person behind. However, I know through my prayer and guidance, for me, it was staying with my husband. My husband always calls me his "angel". It brings tears to my eyes when he calls me that. Maybe I am codependent, maybe I am a fool for staying with him, but what I know, he's been sober for one year, we have been married for one year and I could not be happier or prouder of being with my husband and experiencing with him his life change.
It would be truly helpful if there was a forum devoted to Al Anon and us working the steps. Al Anon is not about complaining about the alcoholic/ addict in our life, but changing the focus to ourselves. Working to change our attitude and behaviors to help aid recovery and give understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
I cant believe there is someone like me out there! YAH. I also believe GOD brought us together, and i have the same views as you as this is a terrible disease! My story started when we were 15, he drank all the time, but not living together, you just dont see the effects it has. My Dad was an A, he died when I was 15. When my H and I married, when I was 32, he was clean and sober, life was hard when he was drinking. but the 8 years he remained sober it was wonderful, until one day he relapsed, now 3 years later he is still drinking and i am still praying for HP to help bring him back to me, yes, it is disheartning to see someone who called you ''his angel'' for so many years, throw his family away to drink. What can I do,? I just pray every day for him and us. I am glad your H is clean and I pray he never relapses. I personally feel its so hard to adjust to someone you spent 8 years with in a sober frame of mind, do a 360 turn around! (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Ksumm,
Everyone has their own path to follow. Yes, you made the choice to stay with your husband, who is in recovery, and that is fabulous!! It sounds as if you BOTH are doing what you need to do to make your marriage survive. The love is there.
You have to try and remember that many of those here are not in the exact same position as you seem to be. This forum can assist in offering great strength to people who are in relationships with addicts in which the addict is not in recovery, not doing what they need to do to make the situation better, with addicts who manipulate, lie, hit, hurt, take advantage of, use, are self-centered and aren't doing anything to TRULY change that.
If your spouse had cancer or severe diabetes, would you treat them the same as you do with addiction? Believe me... I know it's not totally the same. However, it is coming back to addiction is a disease.
This is something that has been stated more than once here, or on other forums. This is also used as an excuse in my opinon. Rather can be used as one.
No, it's NOT the same.
The point is that do you sacrifice being treated with respect and caring and really loved because the person you are with is in addiction? IMO, no you don't. A person with cancer doesn't necessarily share the same traits as an addict. It's like comparing apples to oranges.
And sadly, there are common traits of addicts. That is why so many stories here are the same, that's why people can share here.
There are people here who have dealt with an addict for over 30, 40 years....and they are sharing their experience, they are trying to help others heal so that they may not have to go through the same thing they did for years.
It has also been said here many times that an addict who is NOT IN RECOVERY can generally not be trusted.
You are speaking of someone in your life who is working on sobriety. There is a difference, and I am so glad for you both that he seems to be on the path he is on. What a great blessing!
But many aren't in the position in you are. And no, I for one, am not going to be treated like crap by someone because they have a disease that they are not addressing.
JMHO.
Everyone has their own path to follow. Yes, you made the choice to stay with your husband, who is in recovery, and that is fabulous!! It sounds as if you BOTH are doing what you need to do to make your marriage survive. The love is there.
You have to try and remember that many of those here are not in the exact same position as you seem to be. This forum can assist in offering great strength to people who are in relationships with addicts in which the addict is not in recovery, not doing what they need to do to make the situation better, with addicts who manipulate, lie, hit, hurt, take advantage of, use, are self-centered and aren't doing anything to TRULY change that.
If your spouse had cancer or severe diabetes, would you treat them the same as you do with addiction? Believe me... I know it's not totally the same. However, it is coming back to addiction is a disease.
This is something that has been stated more than once here, or on other forums. This is also used as an excuse in my opinon. Rather can be used as one.
No, it's NOT the same.
The point is that do you sacrifice being treated with respect and caring and really loved because the person you are with is in addiction? IMO, no you don't. A person with cancer doesn't necessarily share the same traits as an addict. It's like comparing apples to oranges.
And sadly, there are common traits of addicts. That is why so many stories here are the same, that's why people can share here.
There are people here who have dealt with an addict for over 30, 40 years....and they are sharing their experience, they are trying to help others heal so that they may not have to go through the same thing they did for years.
It has also been said here many times that an addict who is NOT IN RECOVERY can generally not be trusted.
You are speaking of someone in your life who is working on sobriety. There is a difference, and I am so glad for you both that he seems to be on the path he is on. What a great blessing!
But many aren't in the position in you are. And no, I for one, am not going to be treated like crap by someone because they have a disease that they are not addressing.
JMHO.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by ksumm77 
It gets disheartening to read all the posts. Sure, you can get support and encouragement, but what about those (I suppose few and far between) that are with a spouse that is a recovering alcoholic? Many post and say, "good for you for leaving that person, now your life won't be poisoned", "now you won't have years of heartbreak", and so on and so forth. Addiction is a disease. If your spouse had cancer or severe diabetes, would you treat them the same as you do with addiction? Believe me... I know it's not totally the same. However, it is coming back to addiction is a disease.
I am proud to say that my spouse has now been sober for one year. I put my faith and trust in God (that's who my higher power is) because I truly believe that God brought my spouse and I together. I have a family history of alcoholism and extensive schooling/ training in addiction. I do know that living with someone who is addicted can be truly life draining. All have to make decisions for themselves and pray for guidance and direction. Maybe that is leaving that person behind. However, I know through my prayer and guidance, for me, it was staying with my husband. My husband always calls me his "angel". It brings tears to my eyes when he calls me that. Maybe I am codependent, maybe I am a fool for staying with him, but what I know, he's been sober for one year, we have been married for one year and I could not be happier or prouder of being with my husband and experiencing with him his life change.
It would be truly helpful if there was a forum devoted to Al Anon and us working the steps. Al Anon is not about complaining about the alcoholic/ addict in our life, but changing the focus to ourselves. Working to change our attitude and behaviors to help aid recovery and give understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.
I am proud to say that my spouse has now been sober for one year. I put my faith and trust in God (that's who my higher power is) because I truly believe that God brought my spouse and I together. I have a family history of alcoholism and extensive schooling/ training in addiction. I do know that living with someone who is addicted can be truly life draining. All have to make decisions for themselves and pray for guidance and direction. Maybe that is leaving that person behind. However, I know through my prayer and guidance, for me, it was staying with my husband. My husband always calls me his "angel". It brings tears to my eyes when he calls me that. Maybe I am codependent, maybe I am a fool for staying with him, but what I know, he's been sober for one year, we have been married for one year and I could not be happier or prouder of being with my husband and experiencing with him his life change.
It would be truly helpful if there was a forum devoted to Al Anon and us working the steps. Al Anon is not about complaining about the alcoholic/ addict in our life, but changing the focus to ourselves. Working to change our attitude and behaviors to help aid recovery and give understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.
Perhaps you are living the life that many of us here wish we could have had...
...tried to have...
...but realized someone else's sobriety is their business and...
...had to let go and let God.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
I don't think a general idea that prevails on this forum is Leave you A. I more understand it as Do whatever is necessary to make youself feel better and find peace. It just happens more people can't find peace with living with active As than there are ones that can.
I'm sure everyone is glad for you, that you have peace and happines with your RAH. I don't think anyone is judgmental of those who chose to stay with active or recovering As. I think all we do here is try to share our experience, strenght (that was so hard to build) and hope with others who are struggling, as we hope it can be helpful. There are a lot of different people here, and we all go through different stages in our dealing with our own struggles, some of us are angry, some of us are sad, some of us are both of it and many other things too, and we all speak from our own perspectives, but one thing is for sure, for all of us it comes from a right place in our hearts: trying to help others so much that just maybe, just for the moment we can help them in their struggles.
I don't think anyone here disputes alcoholism being a desease, but the spotlight here is on how we prevent ourselves becoming sick as the sideeffect of someone else's desease.
IMO caring for someone who's A and loving that person is something very noble and right as long as you keep caring for yourself and loving yourself, otherwise it qualifies as the completely different kind of ball game, and I believe that is the biggest issue for most people on this forum.
I'm sure everyone is glad for you, that you have peace and happines with your RAH. I don't think anyone is judgmental of those who chose to stay with active or recovering As. I think all we do here is try to share our experience, strenght (that was so hard to build) and hope with others who are struggling, as we hope it can be helpful. There are a lot of different people here, and we all go through different stages in our dealing with our own struggles, some of us are angry, some of us are sad, some of us are both of it and many other things too, and we all speak from our own perspectives, but one thing is for sure, for all of us it comes from a right place in our hearts: trying to help others so much that just maybe, just for the moment we can help them in their struggles.
I don't think anyone here disputes alcoholism being a desease, but the spotlight here is on how we prevent ourselves becoming sick as the sideeffect of someone else's desease.
IMO caring for someone who's A and loving that person is something very noble and right as long as you keep caring for yourself and loving yourself, otherwise it qualifies as the completely different kind of ball game, and I believe that is the biggest issue for most people on this forum.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Ksumm))) - I'm very happy, for you and your husband, that he is in recovery and that things are going well for you both.
Unfortunately, most people come here because their addict is NOT in recovery and things are NOT going well. Though some people DO stick around, after their A (addict) has found recovery, sharing their ES&H (experience, strength & hope), a lot of them simply move on with their lives and we don't hear much, if at all, from them again. It's sad, but it's something I've noticed in the 3+ years I've been here.
It is refreshing to hear from someone who has an A that is doing the "recovery thing" right..a marriage that is working out. However, people who's lives are being tormented by their loved one's in active addiction need a place to complain/vent where they are understood and feel safe, and will receive support, and that's what we're here for.
I'm a recovering addict and a recovering codependent. I spent decades in dysfunctional relationships with addicts BEFORE becoming one, and if it weren't for the love, support and guidance of the great people here, I would still be floundering around.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Unfortunately, most people come here because their addict is NOT in recovery and things are NOT going well. Though some people DO stick around, after their A (addict) has found recovery, sharing their ES&H (experience, strength & hope), a lot of them simply move on with their lives and we don't hear much, if at all, from them again. It's sad, but it's something I've noticed in the 3+ years I've been here.
It is refreshing to hear from someone who has an A that is doing the "recovery thing" right..a marriage that is working out. However, people who's lives are being tormented by their loved one's in active addiction need a place to complain/vent where they are understood and feel safe, and will receive support, and that's what we're here for.
I'm a recovering addict and a recovering codependent. I spent decades in dysfunctional relationships with addicts BEFORE becoming one, and if it weren't for the love, support and guidance of the great people here, I would still be floundering around.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Speaking for myself, I love to hear a positive story.
In my case, my husband died of cancer, it took 12 long years. I was there for him, he went through depression and anger, yet he was never mean or disrespectful to me. He did everythinbg he could to make me happy and really appreciated me.
Now, my exabf, no. Yes, he was sick, however, there are/were ways that he could have gone into remission, and, stayed in remission. He was also abusive, and didn't care one bit about me. He was never in recovery, and it was h*ll living with him.
I hope your life with your husband continues on it's positive path!
In my case, my husband died of cancer, it took 12 long years. I was there for him, he went through depression and anger, yet he was never mean or disrespectful to me. He did everythinbg he could to make me happy and really appreciated me.
Now, my exabf, no. Yes, he was sick, however, there are/were ways that he could have gone into remission, and, stayed in remission. He was also abusive, and didn't care one bit about me. He was never in recovery, and it was h*ll living with him.
I hope your life with your husband continues on it's positive path!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
You are certainly not wrong about al-anon being about working the steps. IMHO, though, if someone with cancer were being abusive and refusing treatment I would definitely have the same advice to them.
Glad you have found a happy path through the pain.
Glad you have found a happy path through the pain.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 115
I think it helps when both people in the relationship want help. Someone can work on their own issues while living with an active alcoholic. Though it is difficult when living in a state of chaos. I think that if that person by working on their own co-dependent issues becomes healthier, and their significant other remains in their addiction that they would choose to leave simply because they are healthier. Sometimes the addict remains in their addicton until the day they die no matter what their loved ones do or don't do.
Also, I wanted to add that my mother died of ovarian cancer, and it is nowhere near the same as addiction. My mother was never abusive to me during her sickness as my husband has been in his addiction. Nor, did she go out and create chaos and crises in anyones life like is common in addiction.
Also, I wanted to add that my mother died of ovarian cancer, and it is nowhere near the same as addiction. My mother was never abusive to me during her sickness as my husband has been in his addiction. Nor, did she go out and create chaos and crises in anyones life like is common in addiction.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Well, my AH DOES have diabetes.
He was diagnosed one year ago.
Is it the same? Yes...inasmuch as if he continues to be dark, depressed and bitter about getting diagnosed...
If he continues to treat ME unkindly...
If he continues to not get support, not make good choices to take care of himself, not try to get to a better place (with help, if necessary),
I don't want to stay around.
He is not healthy for me to be around.
And likewise, if he continues to drink to medicate depression, over-drink, drink in secret, lie, deny responsibility, freak out if I try to bring it up, manipulate, make me feel guilty, insist I am ruining our relationship, stay stuck, be grumpy and reactive and unhappy...
well, that's not healthy for me either.
So, it is the same in that regard.
Yes, I promised to marry him for life.
He also promised to be a partner and a friend.
He is falling down on his end of the bargain.
Hugs,
Peace
He was diagnosed one year ago.
Is it the same? Yes...inasmuch as if he continues to be dark, depressed and bitter about getting diagnosed...
If he continues to treat ME unkindly...
If he continues to not get support, not make good choices to take care of himself, not try to get to a better place (with help, if necessary),
I don't want to stay around.
He is not healthy for me to be around.
And likewise, if he continues to drink to medicate depression, over-drink, drink in secret, lie, deny responsibility, freak out if I try to bring it up, manipulate, make me feel guilty, insist I am ruining our relationship, stay stuck, be grumpy and reactive and unhappy...
well, that's not healthy for me either.
So, it is the same in that regard.
Yes, I promised to marry him for life.
He also promised to be a partner and a friend.
He is falling down on his end of the bargain.
Hugs,
Peace
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