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Old 06-25-2010, 12:48 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LisaJean1970 View Post
Things are really starting to look better for us. I think it has to do with my trying to be supportive, and not just suspicious and accusatory toward him. That is, I'm honestly trying to work with him, rather than waiting for him to screw up again. I decided that if I love him and want it to work, I have to not boot him out every time he slips.
I'll say it again: you do not have the ability to influence your husband's drinking, whether it be by "nagging him less" or "being less accusatory". He's going to do what he's going to do. It doesn't matter if his job requires him to be on call all the time and thereby not drink. He'll find a way. By "working with him", you're setting yourself up for some major disappointment when he starts drinking and you in turn feel as though he's betrayed you when you've been giving it your all.

I'm not trying to burst your pre-baby-bubble. I remember exactly wanting to feel as though everything was a-ok before DD was born, because it felt wrong to bring a child into a chaotic house. I also remember what it's like to be late (hello, I went to 42 weeks + 1 day), and how crazy it can make you. Reality is rather skewed then. In my case, DD was born, it was lovely, we had our honeymoon phase, and slowly but surely, life went back to the hell it was beforehand, only I had a baby on my hands and wasn't able or willing to wipe a grown man's tush anymore.

In a very real sense, my DD saved me. She gave me a reason to fight because I wasn't going to stand by and watch her grow up with an abusive alkie father.

I sincerely hope for your sake that your child's arrival has that same "slap in the face" effect that DD had for me.
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Old 06-26-2010, 08:07 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by smacked View Post
My heart hurts for that little baby.
I'm not going to neglect my baby. If AH does something that I feel in any way is bad or dangerous to the baby, he's out.
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Old 06-26-2010, 09:18 AM
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Why wait UNTIL he does something bad or dangerous!? Might be too late.
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Old 06-26-2010, 09:51 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Lisa, when you get a chance, you might want to hop over here and read:
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

There you will see the devastating effects on adults who grew up in an alcoholic home.

We're not trying to pick on you, honestly.

There's a lot of collective experience on this board of people who have been where you are.

We're very concerned about you and that baby.
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Old 06-27-2010, 08:15 PM
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Hi folks. Still pregnant. Hubby went to work at 7AM and isn't planning to get home until after 1AM (wires crossed with the dispatcher.) He has called every few hours to let me know that he's going to be later than he thought. I'm hoping he won't fall asleep at the wheel on the way home.

I feel bad because I'm up almost every hour these days out of discomfort with the going-on-41 weeks pregnant, and every time I get up, I disturb him. He's working really long hours, he's not drinking, and he really does seem to have gotten his **** together, but now I'm worried he'll work himself to death.
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Old 06-27-2010, 08:26 PM
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Hi Lisa,

Welcome to SR! There are many, many people on here who can relate to what you're going through. We hope you will stick around, and take care of yourself.

Sending you good thoughts.
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Old 06-27-2010, 08:26 PM
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Originally Posted by LisaJean1970 View Post
but now I'm worried he'll work himself to death.
Lisa going to ask a direct question with love here...

Are you his mother or wife? OK, wife... Now are you acting like his mother or his wife?


I'm going off your posts here and Codependent come to mind. I see you are posting about him.... What about you? Don't you matter? Isn't he over 17?

AG
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Old 06-28-2010, 06:22 PM
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Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
Lisa going to ask a direct question with love here...

Are you his mother or wife? OK, wife... Now are you acting like his mother or his wife?


I'm going off your posts here and Codependent come to mind. I see you are posting about him.... What about you? Don't you matter? Isn't he over 17?

AG
It sure seems like a lot of people here have been hurt so badly that they can't tell genuine love from Codependency. Or are just so bitter that they are incapable of lvoe themselves, and therefor refuse to accept that anyone else can still love.

I don't think this is the place for me. Thanks anyway.
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Old 06-28-2010, 06:35 PM
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Yes, a lot of people do confuse the two. Best of luck.
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Old 06-28-2010, 06:57 PM
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I know when I was using, my wife (g/f at the time) also became pregnant, and I was using selfishly all the way through it. When my wife had our little girl I was there at the room, and shortly after the birth I of course went to my favorite watering hole to celebrate. Yes priorities way out of whack. My use continued and of course progressed rapidly, it got to the point where I was ask to move out of my house and leave my wife and 6 month old little girl, and I did it. At the time I was given that decision I felt moving out was the right thing, I would get her off my but and enjoy myself hell I deserved it. So I moved out, and that is where things really progressed now given my shame, guilt, resentments I was fully entitled to booze and drug it up to no end. It took about two months of that to realize that I could not sustain this lifestyle, I was drinking every day just to get through to when I would go out and drink. I finally reached my spot where I knew that even I could not sustain the lifestyle I was practicing. The thought of quiting even for 30 days to go to treatment became less fearful than what I was doing.

My long point is I fully get where your AH is, and I was able to walk away from what are the most important parts of my life in a 5 second decision. My help came from the fellowship of AA and learning that I was not alone.

JT
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Old 06-28-2010, 07:29 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LisaJean1970 View Post
It sure seems like a lot of people here have been hurt so badly that they can't tell genuine love from Codependency. Or are just so bitter that they are incapable of lvoe themselves, and therefor refuse to accept that anyone else can still love.

I don't think this is the place for me. Thanks anyway.
Hello LisaJean,

I am a recovering alcoholic, an adult child of an alcoholic and a recovering codependent.
Did you happen to read any of the forum for Adult Children of Alcoholics?
I think it was suggested earlier.
I too, suffer from a major depressive disorder, which is now managed with medication (not the way i tried, 20 years of alcohol).
Boy, do I understand the pregnant brain thing. I was ridiculous, and my last pregnancy, I ended up in the hospital with toxemia. Please take care of yourself.

I am capable of love, I just had to learn a new way of thinking.
Doing for others what they can do for themselves, especially when they don't ask for help is codependency. I am trying to remember that right now, my heroin addicted son picked up again on Sunday, and is "out there" after 4 years of sobriety. I loved my son from before he was born, by my love cannot fix his addiction.


Beth
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Old 06-28-2010, 08:07 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LisaJean1970 View Post
It sure seems like a lot of people here have been hurt so badly that they can't tell genuine love from Codependency. Or are just so bitter that they are incapable of lvoe themselves, and therefor refuse to accept that anyone else can still love.

I don't think this is the place for me. Thanks anyway.

Well, I hope you stick around. Does everyone have to give you the answer you are looking for? Doing that killed MJ, and many others.

I just happen to have many many years experience. I'm a guy and direct. As they say in meetings 'take what you like and leave the rest' and "Grow or Die' is another I have felt and taken action on.

AG
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Old 06-28-2010, 08:15 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LisaJean1970 View Post
It sure seems like a lot of people here have been hurt so badly that they can't tell genuine love from Codependency. Or are just so bitter that they are incapable of lvoe themselves, and therefor refuse to accept that anyone else can still love.

I don't think this is the place for me. Thanks anyway.
I have to admit, I thought the same way for a long time. My upbringing (alcoholic father/codependent mother) taught me a lot of things I thought were love. As it turns out, I was confusing pity, control, being needed, appearances, and many other things with love. It took a lot of pain, and some serious therapy to learn what real love looks like.

I am happy now to be out of the hell that I thought was love. But, at the time, I never thought I could survive without it. And, I knew everyone here was wrong because my love was obviously stronger than theirs. My husband was obviously not like theirs. My children were not suffering like theirs. Unfortunately, the situation had to get really bad before I could see how typical my alcoholic was. I had to be brought to my knees and suffer greatly before I could see that my marriage was not special.

We all have to learn our own lessons. Some of us have to learn them the hard way. We'll be here...

L
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