A codie and a recovering codie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
A codie and a recovering codie
Recently I got an email from a "friend" who wrote me a very long letter telling me why she could not be my friend anymore. It was weird because as I read it I saw myself in almost every word she wrote. It was me about 10-15 years ago and some of it even more recent than that.
I was not sure how to respond to it. I did not feel the need to rush in to save her from her codie self that she at this point has decided requires no change. I was in denial a long time myself too. But what knocked me out of it was going to therapy a long time and being called on every single codie thing I said or did. Also, coming here is helping solidify and continue that recovery I started, because I am far from there yet. Accepting that it was not just stbxah's alcoholism that broke our marriage--it was also my co-dependence that allowed it to continue was a big step for me. But it was also a step in the right direction because I decided to work on me and leave stbxah to work on himself. When he chose not to, I decided me and my kids deserved better.
So, back to the letter. I responded to it by separating it into parts and talked about how her thoughts were contorted to make her look good and me horrible-and that much of it was lies. I know that I was one of the biggest liars on the planet--not always about big stuff--but I lied. It was what I learned how to do early on in life to cover up the shame I felt. I felt ill when I had to face this truth. Perhpas that is why now I get so upset when people lie to me. I don't know. . .
I also let her know no one has ever asked her to be their savior and in fact, generally preferred that she was not. BUT no one had ever had the guts to stand up to her viscious attacks because she goes straight for the kill--that being the death of the relationship.
I thought long and hard about sending my response to her and finally decided this was a boundary thing for me. She had taken a huge pile of crap and dumped it at my feet and it was on my side of the fence. I decided I did not want it on my side of the fence and gave it back to her. I guess I did what many people did for me here and in therapy. Took what I wrote/thought/did and pointed out how it related to my being a codie.
At the end of the letter I told her it was up to her to decide if she wanted to work on herself and left it at that.
I was not sure how to respond to it. I did not feel the need to rush in to save her from her codie self that she at this point has decided requires no change. I was in denial a long time myself too. But what knocked me out of it was going to therapy a long time and being called on every single codie thing I said or did. Also, coming here is helping solidify and continue that recovery I started, because I am far from there yet. Accepting that it was not just stbxah's alcoholism that broke our marriage--it was also my co-dependence that allowed it to continue was a big step for me. But it was also a step in the right direction because I decided to work on me and leave stbxah to work on himself. When he chose not to, I decided me and my kids deserved better.
So, back to the letter. I responded to it by separating it into parts and talked about how her thoughts were contorted to make her look good and me horrible-and that much of it was lies. I know that I was one of the biggest liars on the planet--not always about big stuff--but I lied. It was what I learned how to do early on in life to cover up the shame I felt. I felt ill when I had to face this truth. Perhpas that is why now I get so upset when people lie to me. I don't know. . .
I also let her know no one has ever asked her to be their savior and in fact, generally preferred that she was not. BUT no one had ever had the guts to stand up to her viscious attacks because she goes straight for the kill--that being the death of the relationship.
I thought long and hard about sending my response to her and finally decided this was a boundary thing for me. She had taken a huge pile of crap and dumped it at my feet and it was on my side of the fence. I decided I did not want it on my side of the fence and gave it back to her. I guess I did what many people did for me here and in therapy. Took what I wrote/thought/did and pointed out how it related to my being a codie.
At the end of the letter I told her it was up to her to decide if she wanted to work on herself and left it at that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
It is so tough to hear that kind of thing from someone you thought was a friend. You were right to see it for what it was....her issue. She was dumping something at your feet in order to move you, in what way she intended it to propel you matters not, right?
Congratulations for not taking on her baggage but rather returning it to her to manage!
I'm still progressing and I hope when I'm faced with the same kind of test I will pass it as you have
Alice
Congratulations for not taking on her baggage but rather returning it to her to manage!
I'm still progressing and I hope when I'm faced with the same kind of test I will pass it as you have
Alice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
This may sound a little silly--but I have been listening to a lot of Love and Logic Parenting CDs in the car and I used one of the things they talked about. Delaying my reaction to give myself time to think in a rational way. I will admit-when I read the email the frist time I could feel myself getting angry. When I read it the 2nd time I started to see it for what it was.
The funny thing is that I worked the same place she worked and day 1 I was warned that at some point during the day she would come out and yell at me and that she did that to everyone. So, I had a little recovery under my belt at that time. They were right. She came out and started something with me and I stopped her mid-sentence and introduced myself to her and then told her I would not tolerate anyone talking to me like she was in the workplace, regardless of who she was. She turned around and stormed off.
Later I got to know her and she was all hot air. It was all a show because she really is a very insecure person. She can be a very nice person when she puts her crap away. But it always comes back.
In some ways I became her friend (if you want to call it that) because she felt she could talk to me about her experiences as a child of an alcoholic since I was one too. Amazingly, the entire time I knew her I never tried to fix her. So I was somewhat "fixed" at that point myself I guess. Also, I had seen her do to others what she did to me and I never did anything then either--just knew that one day it would be my turn--because it is hard for us codies to maintain friendships sometimes because we do not let anyone in to see the real us.
That is why SR is so important. We can come here, warts and all, and not be judged. But we can also come here and listen to those wise people who have already been in the trenches and decide how to work on our own recovery. The small steps we take to become our own person again-well we get applauded when no one else would even notice.
The funny thing is that I worked the same place she worked and day 1 I was warned that at some point during the day she would come out and yell at me and that she did that to everyone. So, I had a little recovery under my belt at that time. They were right. She came out and started something with me and I stopped her mid-sentence and introduced myself to her and then told her I would not tolerate anyone talking to me like she was in the workplace, regardless of who she was. She turned around and stormed off.
Later I got to know her and she was all hot air. It was all a show because she really is a very insecure person. She can be a very nice person when she puts her crap away. But it always comes back.
In some ways I became her friend (if you want to call it that) because she felt she could talk to me about her experiences as a child of an alcoholic since I was one too. Amazingly, the entire time I knew her I never tried to fix her. So I was somewhat "fixed" at that point myself I guess. Also, I had seen her do to others what she did to me and I never did anything then either--just knew that one day it would be my turn--because it is hard for us codies to maintain friendships sometimes because we do not let anyone in to see the real us.
That is why SR is so important. We can come here, warts and all, and not be judged. But we can also come here and listen to those wise people who have already been in the trenches and decide how to work on our own recovery. The small steps we take to become our own person again-well we get applauded when no one else would even notice.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
