What's your take on what marriage should be like?
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
What's your take on what marriage should be like?
Hi All,
In group last nite, I brought up how I had a new revelation about my marriage. My RAH was at one time sober for over 15 years, during which we raised 3 kids, saved money, were financially set, etc. He worked hard, worked 2 jobs, did chores around the house, we had mutual respect for each other and our marriage was good (we hardly ever fought). Then he relapsed a few years ago. As you know, our marriage got so bad, he left me this past Sept. He was gone for 2 mos. before getting 3 dwi's, then he did 2 mos. in jail. I did take him back after jail, and we are "working" on our marriage, and he is continuing to be abstinent, but something is missing for me. I was sharing at group, telling them that I think "romanticized" our marriage during the entire time he was sober (those 15 years). I mean, yes, he did all of the above, but because he worked so hard, saved, was a good provider, etc., me and the kids (now adults) never really spent any time w/him. He worked 7 days a week. If we had friends over for BBQ's, he would always be working, then "resting" after work, going to sleep early, etc. Never socialized with us, never went away with us (I'd take the kids camping mostly every weekend, and if we weren't, we'd have friends/fam over for BBQ's). RAH never really liked company over, we never went out, unless it was to the movies or bowling (things he liked), and never really conversed. I used to love to dance, yet we never went out dancing or anything like that. If we went to dinner, we would eat, never really talk. If we didn't do things I liked doing, I let it go cause he was really so good to me. Yet, I was "happy" all those years, all I wanted while he was drinking was to go back to those years. Meanwhile, now I have that, I look back on it and say "is that all there is to marriage?"
One of my group members said "doesn't seem like you have alot in common". Of course, right away I defended that (see, I caught the fact that I did lol), and said "oh yes we do, we both love the mountains, beach, have the same taste in decorating and we like the same foods..." and that was about it. When I came home from group last nite, I asked him "Do you think we have anything in common?" And he said "of course we do, we have alot in common." I was like "really, what?" He responded the same things I said in group, in the same order. He seems to think that's great! I feel like something is missing, and I can't quite put my finger on it. I keep thinking, "is this all there is?". I'm just curious what a "healthy marriage" is ... unless this is it and I just don't "feel" it anymore. Maybe it's gonna take some time for me. Your thoughts are appreciated.
In group last nite, I brought up how I had a new revelation about my marriage. My RAH was at one time sober for over 15 years, during which we raised 3 kids, saved money, were financially set, etc. He worked hard, worked 2 jobs, did chores around the house, we had mutual respect for each other and our marriage was good (we hardly ever fought). Then he relapsed a few years ago. As you know, our marriage got so bad, he left me this past Sept. He was gone for 2 mos. before getting 3 dwi's, then he did 2 mos. in jail. I did take him back after jail, and we are "working" on our marriage, and he is continuing to be abstinent, but something is missing for me. I was sharing at group, telling them that I think "romanticized" our marriage during the entire time he was sober (those 15 years). I mean, yes, he did all of the above, but because he worked so hard, saved, was a good provider, etc., me and the kids (now adults) never really spent any time w/him. He worked 7 days a week. If we had friends over for BBQ's, he would always be working, then "resting" after work, going to sleep early, etc. Never socialized with us, never went away with us (I'd take the kids camping mostly every weekend, and if we weren't, we'd have friends/fam over for BBQ's). RAH never really liked company over, we never went out, unless it was to the movies or bowling (things he liked), and never really conversed. I used to love to dance, yet we never went out dancing or anything like that. If we went to dinner, we would eat, never really talk. If we didn't do things I liked doing, I let it go cause he was really so good to me. Yet, I was "happy" all those years, all I wanted while he was drinking was to go back to those years. Meanwhile, now I have that, I look back on it and say "is that all there is to marriage?"
One of my group members said "doesn't seem like you have alot in common". Of course, right away I defended that (see, I caught the fact that I did lol), and said "oh yes we do, we both love the mountains, beach, have the same taste in decorating and we like the same foods..." and that was about it. When I came home from group last nite, I asked him "Do you think we have anything in common?" And he said "of course we do, we have alot in common." I was like "really, what?" He responded the same things I said in group, in the same order. He seems to think that's great! I feel like something is missing, and I can't quite put my finger on it. I keep thinking, "is this all there is?". I'm just curious what a "healthy marriage" is ... unless this is it and I just don't "feel" it anymore. Maybe it's gonna take some time for me. Your thoughts are appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Somewhere cold and flat
Posts: 148
Great article! I've wondered these things myself. I struggle to know what a healthy relationship is and if I have my expectations too high. I'm so used to disfuction that I don't know what functional is. My husband and I both have disfuctional ways of relating and then that doesn't work well together obviously. We don't have much in common either. THat has been a struggle. But we do relate well with some things. It is hard to know what to expect with differences in personality, male and female, upbringings and so on. Then you add disfunction and addiction to the mix and it is even harder. Marriage is rough sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 626
CLMI, I completely agree with you. My RAB and I are working on our relationship right now. I've come to the conclusion that we are missing "fun". We are missing playfulness. For me, that stems from a real intimacy and acceptance.
While he is working a program of recovery from alcoholism, I need to work on a program of recovery for my codie behaviors. I have to set aside my people pleasing ways to know and ask for what I want from the relationship. I've got some work to do to be able to be rigorous with my honestly. I am responsible for me!
And it IS an adventure.
While he is working a program of recovery from alcoholism, I need to work on a program of recovery for my codie behaviors. I have to set aside my people pleasing ways to know and ask for what I want from the relationship. I've got some work to do to be able to be rigorous with my honestly. I am responsible for me!
And it IS an adventure.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
CLMI I think you hit the nail right on the head.
I have recently been reunited with my first love. We got along great back then, thought alike, could communicate, he would show me his 'soft side' and had a bit of the 'romantic' in him.
Well ............................... he is still the same. We will sit out on the lanai late at night, with the pool lights on, and the candles, him with his night cap and I with my iced tea and talk for HOURS. When I am doing something in the kitchen he will come up behind me and give me a hug and a peck on the check and I do the same to him.
And, it's all natural not forced. We are very COMFORTABLE with each other. Also, as Anvil pointed out, we are two HEALTHY people who strive each day to be the best we can be.
But please remember Queenteree, each relationship is different and what is fun and comfortable for one couple may not be for another.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
I have recently been reunited with my first love. We got along great back then, thought alike, could communicate, he would show me his 'soft side' and had a bit of the 'romantic' in him.
Well ............................... he is still the same. We will sit out on the lanai late at night, with the pool lights on, and the candles, him with his night cap and I with my iced tea and talk for HOURS. When I am doing something in the kitchen he will come up behind me and give me a hug and a peck on the check and I do the same to him.
And, it's all natural not forced. We are very COMFORTABLE with each other. Also, as Anvil pointed out, we are two HEALTHY people who strive each day to be the best we can be.
But please remember Queenteree, each relationship is different and what is fun and comfortable for one couple may not be for another.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
All I have learned now is I need a man who cuddles and compliments me. I guess I will figure out more as I go along but that was awfully nice and hope to have that in a marriage. I prefer a non destructive marriage pls. Thanks 
Hugs
Lulu
Hugs
Lulu
Black and Yellow
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
Originally Posted by catlovermi 
Easy one for me to answer: Two things - comfort, and fun. It all boils down to those.
This looks trite on first inspection, but the more you think about them, the more layers you see.
CLMI
This looks trite on first inspection, but the more you think about them, the more layers you see.
CLMI
I went to bed thinking about this, and it is so true.
You must be comfortable with each other in all areas of your relationship.
Fun is important too. My boyfriend and I have fun going grocery shopping, and I hate grocery shopping!
I am lucky to say I am in a healthy relationship for the first time in my life!
Black and Yellow
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
To add to my previous post, honesty is super important too.
I can tell my boyfriend anything. We have been together almost 2 years and living together almost one year and every day I feel a stronger connection between us.
I didn't have that in my marriage.
Looking back, in every relationship I have been in there have been 'red flags', so far I see none here. We have talked about marriage and we are in no hurry to do so. We may someday, but I'm going to take this one slow and easy!
I can tell my boyfriend anything. We have been together almost 2 years and living together almost one year and every day I feel a stronger connection between us.
I didn't have that in my marriage.
Looking back, in every relationship I have been in there have been 'red flags', so far I see none here. We have talked about marriage and we are in no hurry to do so. We may someday, but I'm going to take this one slow and easy!
Black and Yellow
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
Originally Posted by anvilhead
not that i am a huge Dr Phil fan, but he recommends to always conduct yourself AS IF your partner were in the room....meaning no sneaky stuff. no "harmless" flirting. no trying to get away with stuff. double life.
boy did i get THAT one wrong for a long time! i guess it comes down to personal accountability and integrity............
boy did i get THAT one wrong for a long time! i guess it comes down to personal accountability and integrity............
Very good point. I had never thought of it that way. Guess that comes down to another form of honesty.
Climbing hills, flying down...
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
For me, this is my take and my experience...
1.) Should be give and take: give to the relationship, but also expect to and take things in return. But on that same note, do things for the benefit of your partner and because you WANT to do things for him/her, not to gain things in return
2.) Date night! We have a once a week date night and don't talk about work, problems, etc. Just spend time with each other and reconnect.
3.) honesty
4.) laughter (imperative)
5.) learn how to argue constructively, and learn how to make up, and learn to say you are sorry when you're at fault
6.) remember that all we really have is now--the past is in the past, and the future..who knows? live for now.
7.) tell your partner when you're unhappy and expect him/her to do the same. I once told my husband "I can't read your mind, I can't always read you emotions. You have to tell me what's bothering you when you're ready to." I've also worked on this, and now we're much more open with each other about what bothers us. And we work to get it resolved.
8.) don't always expect you'll resolve an argument in one sitting...sometimes you have to go away, think about it, and come back and talk it out together. and then hug / kiss / whatever to make up.
9.) allow your partner to change and support that change....and expect your partner to also support you in ways that you're changing.
10.) be friends
11.) talk about the "tough stuff"--i.e. money, intimacy, future plans, etc.
12.) listen
13.) laughter (again, imperative)
14.) teach each other stuff and learn about things together and separately; my husband and I are so alike...yet so different. And I appreciate that he always has an interest in something new and always wants to learn new things. And I learn from him. And he learns from me.
15.) work on all of the above daily and be willing to work on it together
And that's what has worked for us so far....
1.) Should be give and take: give to the relationship, but also expect to and take things in return. But on that same note, do things for the benefit of your partner and because you WANT to do things for him/her, not to gain things in return
2.) Date night! We have a once a week date night and don't talk about work, problems, etc. Just spend time with each other and reconnect.
3.) honesty
4.) laughter (imperative)
5.) learn how to argue constructively, and learn how to make up, and learn to say you are sorry when you're at fault
6.) remember that all we really have is now--the past is in the past, and the future..who knows? live for now.
7.) tell your partner when you're unhappy and expect him/her to do the same. I once told my husband "I can't read your mind, I can't always read you emotions. You have to tell me what's bothering you when you're ready to." I've also worked on this, and now we're much more open with each other about what bothers us. And we work to get it resolved.
8.) don't always expect you'll resolve an argument in one sitting...sometimes you have to go away, think about it, and come back and talk it out together. and then hug / kiss / whatever to make up.
9.) allow your partner to change and support that change....and expect your partner to also support you in ways that you're changing.
10.) be friends
11.) talk about the "tough stuff"--i.e. money, intimacy, future plans, etc.
12.) listen
13.) laughter (again, imperative)
14.) teach each other stuff and learn about things together and separately; my husband and I are so alike...yet so different. And I appreciate that he always has an interest in something new and always wants to learn new things. And I learn from him. And he learns from me.
15.) work on all of the above daily and be willing to work on it together
And that's what has worked for us so far....
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Moving east
Posts: 217
I haven't posted in a long time due to my mothers health issues, work, laundry, and I guess I felt I didn't have anything to contribute. I find this an interesting subject since I am on my fourth marriage. The first because I was young and pregnant (the baby was born premature and died at one day old, I couldn't have any more children and had a hysterectomy at 21), the second time to a drug addict and alcoholic who was abusive physically and mentally, the third time to an alcoholic who hated women, and the fourth time to a functioning alcoholic. Anyone see a pattern here?
. I just turned 50 and we've been together almost 15 years. He goes to work everyday, keeps the grass cut, hands me his paycheck every week, doesn't go to bars......he also doesn't drive, won't go anywhere with me, won't consider sobriety (cause he doesn't have a problem). I am now going to a new counselor because I just can't take it anymore. I take 40mg of Prozac every day and I wonder if I'll ever be happy. Oh, my 79 yo mom lives in our garage apartment. I give her insulin 2 times a day, take her to the store, do her laundry, work full-time at a bank, and I have 9 cats and a dog. Can anyone trade places with me for just a week???? I have just learned that it's ok to take care of me first but have difficulty applying that to my life.
. I just turned 50 and we've been together almost 15 years. He goes to work everyday, keeps the grass cut, hands me his paycheck every week, doesn't go to bars......he also doesn't drive, won't go anywhere with me, won't consider sobriety (cause he doesn't have a problem). I am now going to a new counselor because I just can't take it anymore. I take 40mg of Prozac every day and I wonder if I'll ever be happy. Oh, my 79 yo mom lives in our garage apartment. I give her insulin 2 times a day, take her to the store, do her laundry, work full-time at a bank, and I have 9 cats and a dog. Can anyone trade places with me for just a week???? I have just learned that it's ok to take care of me first but have difficulty applying that to my life.
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