I feel like I need someone to tell me it's OK
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 9
I feel like I need someone to tell me it's OK
to leave. I mean in my heart and head I have already left even though he hasn't drank in 6 weeks. I left sometime last year emotionally and he doesn't get why I just can't have fun with him, want to have sex with him, ect. I'm just not in love with him anymore. And it makes me sad b/c next month we'll be married for 10 years. But throughout those 10 years and 4 kids, we've been apart 1/2 of that time.
He says we are going to make this work. I don't think I want to. I know I need to go talk to my counselor but she just lost another one of her sons last week and it was a horrible accident. I can't bother her with my problems when I know she is hurting so bad.
I come here and read and while doing this I feel stronger and stronger and I know what I want. Why is it so hard? Maybe b/c he is no longer drinking? Because the kids adore him? Because I am a stay at home mom and I am scared of raising 4 kids on my own....but I've been doing everything on my own besides the monetary part of it. AHHHHHHHH.
I went for a long run/walk tonight and all I could think about was not going back. Not having him text me from downstairs asking me to come down or for food. Not having to sleep next to him hoping he wouldn't touch me.
He doesn't anger me anymore. But he doesn't do anything for me anymore. With him not drinking, will my feelings come back? And were they real to begin with or was I hoping on helping him b/c I couldn't help my dad who was also an A and whom I haven't seen in almost 10 years?
Every time I think about working this out, I think what if he wasn't an A and he still left you and your baby up at the hospital and wasn't there when you were discharged? What if him sober would have kicked you? Would have I left right away?
I know I am just rambling. Sorry. I just need to vent and see this in words instead of jumbled thoughts in my messed up little mind.
He says we are going to make this work. I don't think I want to. I know I need to go talk to my counselor but she just lost another one of her sons last week and it was a horrible accident. I can't bother her with my problems when I know she is hurting so bad.
I come here and read and while doing this I feel stronger and stronger and I know what I want. Why is it so hard? Maybe b/c he is no longer drinking? Because the kids adore him? Because I am a stay at home mom and I am scared of raising 4 kids on my own....but I've been doing everything on my own besides the monetary part of it. AHHHHHHHH.
I went for a long run/walk tonight and all I could think about was not going back. Not having him text me from downstairs asking me to come down or for food. Not having to sleep next to him hoping he wouldn't touch me.
He doesn't anger me anymore. But he doesn't do anything for me anymore. With him not drinking, will my feelings come back? And were they real to begin with or was I hoping on helping him b/c I couldn't help my dad who was also an A and whom I haven't seen in almost 10 years?
Every time I think about working this out, I think what if he wasn't an A and he still left you and your baby up at the hospital and wasn't there when you were discharged? What if him sober would have kicked you? Would have I left right away?
I know I am just rambling. Sorry. I just need to vent and see this in words instead of jumbled thoughts in my messed up little mind.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I was at the point, in my marriage, where I cringed if my husband touched me, or asked for sex. Even if things were going ok for a day, days, weeks even, it didn't matter. I had already reached the point of feeling contempt for him.
Then I stayed married for about two or three more years. I was riddled with indecision for so long, and loyal to keeping my family together.
The good feelings never returned, and at some point I knew they never would. Then it took awhile longer to make the decision. When I did, I never looked back.
You will get support from us here. There are probably a hundred reasons why you are justified in your feelings, and will be in the action of separating for good. You don't need to pressure yourself, and I'm not telling you what to do, or what your timetable should be. Just that yes, it's ok.
Then I stayed married for about two or three more years. I was riddled with indecision for so long, and loyal to keeping my family together.
The good feelings never returned, and at some point I knew they never would. Then it took awhile longer to make the decision. When I did, I never looked back.
You will get support from us here. There are probably a hundred reasons why you are justified in your feelings, and will be in the action of separating for good. You don't need to pressure yourself, and I'm not telling you what to do, or what your timetable should be. Just that yes, it's ok.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: chico, ca
Posts: 321
I'm always sorry to hear of the resentments and distrust caused by alcoholism. Talking to and working as a family unit with your counselor can bring about change. It took a year after I got sober for my wife and I to communicate effectivly and to begin to heal. That was four years ago, and I think things are how they were supposed to be, but you'ld have to ask my wife. I feel for you and hope your decisions whatever they might be bring you peace. God Bless
aboutdone
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
I completely relate to you. I filed for divorce from my AH while he was out on a binge. I gave birth to our daughter all alone, and my 16 yr old daughter, and 17 year old step daughter picked us up from the hospital when we were released. I mowed the yard that afternoon, 4 days after a c-section because someone had to do it.
I went through with the divorce, after rescheduling it twice. 5 months after it was filed we were divorced, and at that point he was 4 months sober, and 3 months out of rehab.
Our divorce was final in November. We have had ups and downs since, and we are still trying to make it work.
Some days when I see him trying so hard to be better for himself, and everyone else, I just adore him. Other days I just wish he wouldn't even speak to me, or make an advance towards me.
Lately the good days are more frequent, and the bad days are fewer and farther between.
I think if I had to do over again, I probably would change any of it. I think filing is what took him to his bottom. Finalizing is what let him know, I was seriously done with the BS. The fact that we still try, lets him know I do love him, and want him, however for me, sobriety is mandatory.
It is absolutely ok to do whatever you need to do, and to take a stand on what you want.
One of the counselors at RXAH rehab told us a story of separating from her AH. She said she was unsure of what she wanted but most days she wanted out and done. She decided to set her decision day a year out.She bought a calendar. She told AH, he had a year to get sober, work a program. In that year she was going to work her program. She moved out with the kids. Nothing was filed. She began working on herself, and marking every day off on the calendar. She told him she was committed to their relationship, they did marriage counseling, individual counseling, and AA/Al anon. At the end of the year, they both mutually decided to divorce, and they are now wonderful friends.
I think the best thing in counseling I was ever told, is that nobody is making me decide today. I can make my decision next week, next month, or next year. I can set a DDay, and on that day, I can evaluate the circumstances and reset the date if I want.
I think after I realized that he was right, it relieved a lot of stress. I was able to sort through a lot of things, and eventually go through with my divorce in my own time.
6 weeks out of rehab was too soon for me personally to make a decision. However only you know what is right for you.
I went through with the divorce, after rescheduling it twice. 5 months after it was filed we were divorced, and at that point he was 4 months sober, and 3 months out of rehab.
Our divorce was final in November. We have had ups and downs since, and we are still trying to make it work.
Some days when I see him trying so hard to be better for himself, and everyone else, I just adore him. Other days I just wish he wouldn't even speak to me, or make an advance towards me.
Lately the good days are more frequent, and the bad days are fewer and farther between.
I think if I had to do over again, I probably would change any of it. I think filing is what took him to his bottom. Finalizing is what let him know, I was seriously done with the BS. The fact that we still try, lets him know I do love him, and want him, however for me, sobriety is mandatory.
It is absolutely ok to do whatever you need to do, and to take a stand on what you want.
One of the counselors at RXAH rehab told us a story of separating from her AH. She said she was unsure of what she wanted but most days she wanted out and done. She decided to set her decision day a year out.She bought a calendar. She told AH, he had a year to get sober, work a program. In that year she was going to work her program. She moved out with the kids. Nothing was filed. She began working on herself, and marking every day off on the calendar. She told him she was committed to their relationship, they did marriage counseling, individual counseling, and AA/Al anon. At the end of the year, they both mutually decided to divorce, and they are now wonderful friends.
I think the best thing in counseling I was ever told, is that nobody is making me decide today. I can make my decision next week, next month, or next year. I can set a DDay, and on that day, I can evaluate the circumstances and reset the date if I want.
I think after I realized that he was right, it relieved a lot of stress. I was able to sort through a lot of things, and eventually go through with my divorce in my own time.
6 weeks out of rehab was too soon for me personally to make a decision. However only you know what is right for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by againandagain 
I feel like I need someone to tell me it's OK
And we are here to say to you, "It's ok to make decisions in your own best interest. You can give yourself permission to do what you think is best, and healthiest, for YOU!"
It's like Dorothy, and the magic ruby slippers... you have what you need, all along... you just need to recognize this, and use them.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Generally, I find that when we say things like "I'm not sure I want to try to make it work", it's because we're a) finally allowing ourselves to be honest about the contempt/indifference we feel, and b) unable to give that voice enough room to say honestly, "I don't want this relationship anymore".
It's completely and totally OK not to want to be with someone anymore. Marriages end for various reasons, not only because of addiction. I can't really phrase it as well as this snippet from one the classic reading posts:
"Some people hold on to guilt because they believe that they are bad and should feel guilty for leaving a partner who feels hurt, betrayed, or abandoned. This is incorrect thinking. If we realize that a relationship is not right for us, then it cannot be right for our partner. The greatest gift we can give someone is the opportunity to find love. If we are unable to get what we need in a relationship, then we can never give another what he/she needs. We will feel too resentful. Only by leaving him/her will he/she be free to find the love he/she needs."
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-go-guilt.html
It's completely and totally OK not to want to be with someone anymore. Marriages end for various reasons, not only because of addiction. I can't really phrase it as well as this snippet from one the classic reading posts:
"Some people hold on to guilt because they believe that they are bad and should feel guilty for leaving a partner who feels hurt, betrayed, or abandoned. This is incorrect thinking. If we realize that a relationship is not right for us, then it cannot be right for our partner. The greatest gift we can give someone is the opportunity to find love. If we are unable to get what we need in a relationship, then we can never give another what he/she needs. We will feel too resentful. Only by leaving him/her will he/she be free to find the love he/she needs."
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-go-guilt.html
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
It is OK to make whatever choice is best for you. I personally wouldn't let a marriage go without an honest shot at saving it, which to me means that as long as the other person was willing to give marriage counseling a fair shot, I'd do that first. Some would also say that you should wait a year before making any decisions like that. Are you in al-anon?
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