dating and trusting advice
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Here's my two cents. I had a very wise counselor, who told me it's not about trusting them, it's about trusting yourself.
There's no way to know if this person is honest or not before you even have lunch with her. Being overly inquisitive of her tan is not going to provide you with information about her integrity. And, I have to agree, it would be a little creepy to me, too, if someone I didn't even know started taking such an interest in whether my tan was natural or artificial.
I believe what people are trying to tell you here is that maybe you have more work to do on trusting yourself. You should be able to go to lunch with anyone you find interesting without having to give her a 'test' first. If you trust yourself to
go slow
pay attention
go slow
recognize red flags
go slow
be honest yourself
go slow
think with your brain
go slow
And, did I mention go slow?
there will be no anxiety, no interrogations. When you trust yourself, you can have fun knowing that you will protect yourself if needed.
L
There's no way to know if this person is honest or not before you even have lunch with her. Being overly inquisitive of her tan is not going to provide you with information about her integrity. And, I have to agree, it would be a little creepy to me, too, if someone I didn't even know started taking such an interest in whether my tan was natural or artificial.
I believe what people are trying to tell you here is that maybe you have more work to do on trusting yourself. You should be able to go to lunch with anyone you find interesting without having to give her a 'test' first. If you trust yourself to
go slow
pay attention
go slow
recognize red flags
go slow
be honest yourself
go slow
think with your brain
go slow
And, did I mention go slow?
there will be no anxiety, no interrogations. When you trust yourself, you can have fun knowing that you will protect yourself if needed.
L
aboutdone
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
Hey there....my female story. LOL.
I had just filed for divorce from my AH. Went out for a night with my Mother. A guy comes up, asks to sit down, with a beer in hand. I said sure, but you are wasting your time as well as mine. He said, try me.
I grilled his arse off. Asked about his job. How many beers he had that night. How much money did he make. Did he own a vehicle.Any Duis? Why divorced? How many kids? Intentions? Most men, would have said screw this and walked off. Not him. He had all the answers. Rarely drank. His XW was alcoholic. Had job,owned vehicle, made enough to take care of his own. No duis. 1st time he had been to the bar in 6 months. etc etc.
3 months into the relationship, I figure out, he is a raging alcoholic, has had 2 duis, did have a good job, got laid off, had a $450,000 home I went to and stayed at, but sold toward end of relationship and that his XW had been making payment out of their joint account, he goes to bars almost every night he doesn't have his kids, and to date he is on his 3rd dui.
LOL!
Tanning, such a non issue to me. However I see your point. I want honesty from moment number 1. Because lets face it, most of the addicts we have known, lied about the little ridiculous crap that didn't really mean a thing anyways, like if they tanned today or yesterday, or moved the towel, or cleaned the toilet, or called a friend, or was on the computer. Those little lies add up, and then the big ones follow.
So, I hear ya. Hang in there. I say, cut her loose already. You already have a feeling she lied, so don't waste your time. A good relationship can't start off with a lie, or a possible disbelief, and you don't even want a friend like that either.
In the future maybe don't put too much into the questions, because anyone can tell you what you want to hear.
After my life with the addicts I have known, words are simply words these days, and I put everything on the actions.
Her words said no she didn't fake bake, her body showed she did. Right? Actions vs words.
A quote on trust that I have always loved goes something like this....."Trust is like a line of credit, its extended to everyone, until they prove they are not worthy of it, then it is denied, and must be earned to get it back."
I had just filed for divorce from my AH. Went out for a night with my Mother. A guy comes up, asks to sit down, with a beer in hand. I said sure, but you are wasting your time as well as mine. He said, try me.
I grilled his arse off. Asked about his job. How many beers he had that night. How much money did he make. Did he own a vehicle.Any Duis? Why divorced? How many kids? Intentions? Most men, would have said screw this and walked off. Not him. He had all the answers. Rarely drank. His XW was alcoholic. Had job,owned vehicle, made enough to take care of his own. No duis. 1st time he had been to the bar in 6 months. etc etc.
3 months into the relationship, I figure out, he is a raging alcoholic, has had 2 duis, did have a good job, got laid off, had a $450,000 home I went to and stayed at, but sold toward end of relationship and that his XW had been making payment out of their joint account, he goes to bars almost every night he doesn't have his kids, and to date he is on his 3rd dui.
LOL!
Tanning, such a non issue to me. However I see your point. I want honesty from moment number 1. Because lets face it, most of the addicts we have known, lied about the little ridiculous crap that didn't really mean a thing anyways, like if they tanned today or yesterday, or moved the towel, or cleaned the toilet, or called a friend, or was on the computer. Those little lies add up, and then the big ones follow.
So, I hear ya. Hang in there. I say, cut her loose already. You already have a feeling she lied, so don't waste your time. A good relationship can't start off with a lie, or a possible disbelief, and you don't even want a friend like that either.
In the future maybe don't put too much into the questions, because anyone can tell you what you want to hear.
After my life with the addicts I have known, words are simply words these days, and I put everything on the actions.
Her words said no she didn't fake bake, her body showed she did. Right? Actions vs words.
A quote on trust that I have always loved goes something like this....."Trust is like a line of credit, its extended to everyone, until they prove they are not worthy of it, then it is denied, and must be earned to get it back."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Her words said no she didn't fake bake, her body showed she did. Right? Actions vs words.
If a man asked me about something superficial like beauty things, I would not tell him the outright truth. I would wonder why he was asking as that stuff is private. Dying your hair, whitening your teeth, weight and I guess tanning are private grooming things for some women. I do not fault her for not telling that she fake tans.
I wouldn't flat out tell the truth about these things to a man I just met. I probably wouldn't answer the question at all.
If a man asked me about something superficial like beauty things, I would not tell him the outright truth. I would wonder why he was asking as that stuff is private. Dying your hair, whitening your teeth, weight and I guess tanning are private grooming things for some women. I do not fault her for not telling that she fake tans.
I wouldn't flat out tell the truth about these things to a man I just met. I probably wouldn't answer the question at all.
Climbing hills, flying down...
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
I'm getting a tan because I spend a lot of time on my bike (but I have telltale bike short and bike jersey tan lines, lol). 
I'd say...lesson learned, and ease back into it. From a woman's POV, maybe wait to ask the beauty questions until you're actively dating. Or even married. LOL.
I'd say...lesson learned, and ease back into it. From a woman's POV, maybe wait to ask the beauty questions until you're actively dating. Or even married. LOL.
aboutdone
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
Hmmm, Guess I am pretty jaded, because to me a lie, is a lie, is a lie. Perhaps he was going to compliment her on her tan, and was trying to find the right angle to pay the compliment.
Sporting a bikini and a tan, seems she wants it noticed, maybe not, who knows.
Did he overstep his boundary. Maybe.
Did she lie, perhaps.
If it was me, and I was the young lady, I think I would have responded with something like "thats an interesting question...why would you ask that?" Then she would have avoided giving up her tanning secret, for the moment, and would have found out what his intent was.
Who knows.
Taking into consideration that some feel it would have been a little awkward to have been asked the question to begin with....Tpen, I think you could salvage it by merely, apologizing to her, next time you see her, don't go out of your way though to run into her, and just let her know, You realized that may have been a question she wasn't comfortable with, and you are just getting back into the game, and you were just making conversation?? If that is what you were doing?
Just be honest with your intent.
Sporting a bikini and a tan, seems she wants it noticed, maybe not, who knows.
Did he overstep his boundary. Maybe.
Did she lie, perhaps.
If it was me, and I was the young lady, I think I would have responded with something like "thats an interesting question...why would you ask that?" Then she would have avoided giving up her tanning secret, for the moment, and would have found out what his intent was.
Who knows.
Taking into consideration that some feel it would have been a little awkward to have been asked the question to begin with....Tpen, I think you could salvage it by merely, apologizing to her, next time you see her, don't go out of your way though to run into her, and just let her know, You realized that may have been a question she wasn't comfortable with, and you are just getting back into the game, and you were just making conversation?? If that is what you were doing?
Just be honest with your intent.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I agree that a lie is a lie. On the other hand, I don't feel an obligation to be completely frank and open with total strangers. There is a big difference between "nice tan" and "do you frequent tanning beds?" One is complimentary, the other is just plain none of your business. There are icebreakers, and then there is crossing the line and being too personal too soon. That's just my take on it.
L
L
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