marshallzhukov

It will not fade away on its own, it will likely only get worse, if for no other reason because through your ACTIONS, you are showing him that he can manipulate you and terrorize you and there are no consequences.

1) Call your local DV hotline - there will be people who can give you advice who do this as a JOB, who have dealt with THOUSANDS of cases similar to yours over the years;

2) Document everything. The burden of proof in our legal system is on the accuser - unfortunately without evidence accusations do not add up to much.

3) Go to the police - although you may feel that your situation is embarassing, I can assure you that the police have to deal with deviant behavior that far surpasses a few naughty photos on a regular basis. Walk into the police station and ask to speak to the duty officer - if he does not help you then he will refer you to someone else in the station who can. If it is a big enough department then they probably have an officer who handles domestic violence cases/restraining orders specifically.

4) As painful as it may be, I would ignore your parents and any other family members who do not seem fazed by the recent events in your life - do not use their indifference as some kind of evidence that maybe what is happening is not all that bad? Clearly they have some very warped view of what IS and what IS NOT socially acceptable behavior.

Over time, his behavior will only get worse, not better - unfortunately that means that it is up to you to protect yourself from him as soon as possible....

MZ

Bolina

Jenny, hon, I know this is scary but can you just take a deep breath for a minute or two?

I am not for one second suggesting that you shouldn't take steps for your own protection. I agree that you should speak to the police and get their advice. However, you need to do this calmy and rationally and from a position of your own power. You will be heard much more clearly by the police if you can be clear in your own mind about the situation and then they will be best able to help you.

So, can you lay out here exactly what he has done and exactly what he has said to you?

Hammerhead

Jenny... please heed the advice given. I too believe this man to have a few loose screws.

I once had a man stalk me (casual acquaintance) and I didn't realize he was stalking me UNTIL it was too late. What I mean is once they are fixated on you it's next to impossible to get rid of them.

He lived on a boat at a Marina I was working at... so it wasn't a big deal to run into him... it did become a big deal when he started coming into close proximity to me... he managed to get my phone number (via a lie) from a customer and began calling me telling me he wasn't stalking me! (WTF) At that point I went to the local Prosecutors office and they wouldn't do anything because "he hasn't hurt me"... never mind the endless stalking... he hadn't hurt me.

He was calling me and leaving me a list of names of women I didn't know... (except my best friend's name was 2nd on the list)... how did he know... I'll never know. I called the Women's Crisis Center and they contacted a Judge and a restraining order was placed on him for 2 years.... that's been 8 years ago.

I've since moved into another town.... He contacted me via letter 2 years ago saying that he had to pass by my house everyday and that I was the ONLY woman he'd ever marry... (eeewww) So I dug up all the paperwork and contacted the Women's Center again... they said if he contacted me ONE more time... we'd put in another restraining order... haven't heard from him... but I get creepy feelings from time to time that he is watching me.

BTW... I'm a woman and......he's gay. Enough said. Weirdo's exist... you have to be proactive in your protection.

The Women's Crisis Center did tell me that just by me telling this guy to get lost was enough for him to "get his rocks off"... because he was getting me to engage in a conversation with him..... their advice.... DO NOT TALK TO HIM...Call the police.

Take care of you. (please)

Freedom1990

You won't be shy, embarrassed, or scared if you're dead.

That's the bottom line.

What's your life worth to you?

BBD

You've had some wonderful advice Jenny. Please take heed..and also take a friend with you if your a little on the panicky side....Hugs

spinwc

Jenny...I work for a police department. You need to take the messages you have received, call your PD and tell them you have a menacing complaint. You also need to tell them about the window incident and have him formerly trespassed from your property. He will be served a warning to not return there. From that point on if he does show up, you call the police and he will be arrested for trespassing. They will ask you if you want to sign Menacing charges-say yes. He sounds dangerous and out of control. You need to send a message to him now that you will not tolerate threats. His behavior is unstable and unpredictable. You need to take care of you!

Summerpeach

I say you give an bunch of angry codependent women who's ABF/H are pissing them right off your ex's address and we'll deal with him ;-)

I really don't scare easily so a ***** like this would not scare me, but if you feel you are in any danger, just go into the police and tell him you feel fearful of an ex and that you don't want to make a huge deal out of it, but ask them what you can do.
As long as they are aware.

I can tell you though, most sociopaths are harmless. They get off on scaring and when they are confronted run like Little Girls.
But don't take a chance.

coffeedrinker

Jenny,

First of all, I'm sorry your x-whacko has resorted to frightening you. Of course he knows how; he knows you very well.

You said something about not wanting to set him off. This causes me to wonder if an order of protection slapped on him while he is so heated up is the right decision. I'm not saying it isn't, I'm saying I don't know. But the police will know. So just when you go to the police station, ask the question. Their experience will guide you. Probably the DV people as well.

Is moving a possibility at all? Do you own, rent, share?

Your parents seem a bit clueless. You need to surround yourself with supportive people, not those who put their heads in the sand cuz they prefer to not deal with uncomfortable things.

Hope you can get a decent nights sleep.

Thinking of you...

Hammerhead

With all due respect Summerpeach... I was never one to scare easily either... (I'd just as soon pick up a baseball bat or a double barrel... but I don't want to promote violence) The problem with sociopaths is they don't think like most of us... therein lies the problem. And we certainly can't think like they do.... unless we're warped.

I posted my story earlier... trust me... I'm not a door mat, wimpy type gal... I stood up numerous times to my stalker.... I sure showed him... hehe.... and it didn't do one bit of good... it added to the drama and to his storyline... and it didn't resolve the situation... it escalated it.

I was educated by the pro's at the Women's Crisis Center... you simply should not engage in any personal dialogue or personal actions with or against these weirdo's... it adds to their warped story of a full blown relationship... gotta bring in the pro's.

So I do respectfully differ in opinion... there are too many stories with bad endings to take a chance.

It seems most do.... but some of them don't.... not worth the risk in my opinion.

Peace

aboutdone

I'm not sure of the entire story here, but Jenny, you have to nip this in the bud, right now.

I was married to an abusive man for 12 years. When we started divorce proceedings, he basically lost it. Trust me, after being married for 12 years, there were a lot of photos, toys, text pictures.

As adults, we are sexual people. It doesn't make you bad. It really isn't something to be embarrassed of.

My EX pulled a gun on me, held me at gun point, threatened to bury me in the back 40, and the list goes on and on. He would flatten my tires, and then go harass our children. All of this escalated UNTIL I finally filed a protection from abuse order. He ended up spending a night in jail on new years eve after slapping me to the floor in front of our very young children.

Many people like this, play upon fear tactics. They get a high off of terrorizing you. You absolutely need to stop talking to him in any way, and file a protection order. If the pictures get out, you deal with that when it happens. If he forwards or posts the pictures anywhere, he can have charges brought against him for that as well.

I don't mean to be harsh, as I was in your shoes for a long time, but STOP BEING THE VICTIM. Be the person to put an end to it. The person who has the most control at any time is the person who cares the least. Take control, care less what happens to him, or how he feels about a restraining order being filed. Take back your life!!!!

Summerpeach

Sorry if my post seemed a little too serious, it really was just tongue/cheek, sort of like "codependent Super women" fantasy things :-)

Never would I think about someone trying to confront a dangerous person. In my case though, for me, I deal with these sorts of "issues" my own way.

Never would I think about someone trying to confront a dangerous person. In my case though, for me, I deal with these sorts of "issues" my own way.

coffeedrinker

I realized Summerpeach was joking.

But the comment about running like a scared little girl may have been dangerous....just in case it buoyed some "spirit" in Jenny to get tough.

How are things going, Jenny?

Jenny1232

Wow, what an overload of advice!

Yesterday, I just cried all day. I was in no position to make any decision. I can't make myself the victim here entirely. I have edged him on, instigated out of anger, said hurtful things, etc. I've never once threatend him, and he has terrified me.

I decided, I want to take a few days to let the fog clear.. and decide. I'm really in no position to even think clearly at the moment.

I have considered just talking to the police, and seeing what they advise. I have saved information, threats, etc. I'm scared of the emotional/mental damage he would cause me, more so then the physical harm. Now.. what you said aboutdone, is petrifying. It goes to show - things do escalate, and become even more dangerous.

There was so much information here, I can't even reply to it all. I just thank you! I would really like to call that hotline.. one, like someone said, I've calmed down enough to think clearly.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Oh, and I don't have anywhere to move. I live with my parents - and I'm absolutely BROKE.

gerryP

You are doing well Jenny.

Sounds like you are processing out which is good. I can't imagine what that is like but it would have to be extremely overwhelming to say the least.

I like what you said about maybe talking to the Police to see what they advise and I'm glad you have your parents with you.

Jenny1232

Thank you GerryP. Thank you for your advice, and genuine concern!

Right now - I'm going to just try and get my mind back on the right track (if I have one)!

DecBaby

Jenny everyone here gave you such great advice. Please KEEP all messages, don't erase them. I really urge you to talk to the police and try to make some kind of report. Hopefully nothing goes further but IF something major does happen I want you to have records of everything that happened along the way.

hello-kitty

What a JERK. Glad he's now your EX boyfriend.

Be careful Jenny. I hope you will remember to be brave but not reckless.

And try not to worry about the pictures sweetie pie. How childish and rotten of him. But think of all the stars out there who have dealt with something similar. You'd be in good company right?

Daisy30

(((((Hugs)))) You Really need to call the domestic violence number. I am going gthrough a similar situation.
It is very common to start blaming your self for HIS actions and start second guessing your self. Listen, it is a progressive disease, things will get worse.

Please call the police and say you want to start a paper trail incase anything were to happen to you.
Do not be afraid of calling the Domestic Violence hotline. Think of it as picking up the phone and calling one of us just someone to help.

aboutdone

Here is what I left out in regards to filing my PFA order.

I called the police NUMEROUS times, each time they came, the proof was never enough, no witnesses, no immediate bruising, my word against his.

One of the officers happened to be on call most the times that I called, fearing for my life. He pulled me aside and said look, file the PFA before it is to late.

Its like this, you call the police and they can do nothing without hard core evidence. They deal with a lot everyday, and they have to determine if danger is imminent or if its simply a civil case.

In my case the officer stated, file the PFA, let the judge issue it, the immediate response is the guy is restrained from bothering or harassing you in any way for 14 days, then he gets his court date to try to fight it if he wants, which is his time to defend his actions, and a cooling down period between the 2 of you.

Once the judge issued the PFA, there was no more playing around. No more question about if the police would do anything. All I had to do was call them, if he contacted me in any way shape or form, and they would arrest him immediately, no questions asked.

Now, I have kids with this man. I obviously couldn't completely shut him out of their lives, even though I wanted to, so here is where the PFA puts all the CONTROL in your hands. If he contacted me via text on what time to pick up kids, that was not harassment, and I did not contact the police. The minute he said anything not regarding the kids, I simply picked up the phone to the police department. The PFA was effective for a year. Thank Goodness.

To get it filed, I went to the courthouse, filled out the paperwork, had a 30 minute meeting with the judge, and told him of everything. He then decided it was in my best interest to be filed.

Do NOT rationalize with yourself, that you instigate, or that its not that bad, or that he is just mad, or anything else. NO ONE has the right to violate your personal space, make physical or verbal threats against you, regardless of what you have done, or may have said.

If you feel alone in this, a local woman's shelter, will come talk to you, they will help you fill out papers, and even go with you to file if you want.

Domestic Violence Resource Center | Domestic violence statistics gives recent statistics related to stalking, and domestic violence.

Trust me my dear, it is way better to err on the safe side, then not.

Sometimes making the right decision is the hardest decision to make. In this case, I understand the finality of it, how you justify some of it, trust me I did it way too long, it is very scary to take the first step to make a stand. It is embarrassing at times to women to admit we were involved with someone like this. Trust me there is nothing embarrassing about it. You may just save your integrity, your dignity, your life. It may also save someone else he meets later as well. Once you get this on record, it will always be there.

You only have 1 life to live. We don't get do overs.

Jenny1232

"Do NOT rationalize with yourself, that you instigate, or that its not that bad, or that he is just mad, or anything else. NO ONE has the right to violate your personal space, make physical or verbal threats against you, regardless of what you have done, or may have said."

Actually.. I do blame myself for a lot of this. There were lies I kept from him for a long time, that devastated him too.. so, I feel very guilty and almost deserving...

But, with what you said.. you're right. I think; He lied to me. He hurt me too. He did a lot of NASTY, NASTY things... Yet.. I am not threatening to ruin his life.

Is a PFA.. a restraining order? Why do those only last 14 days, anyway? That's kind of silly... If someone, wants someone to leave them alone.. why would you have to go through court, etc...? It shouldn't be that difficult..