Please help me get this suit of armor on.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 277
Please help me get this suit of armor on.
AH is coming back from business trip today. We will have a 3 day weekend together since he is taking off of work.
My AH is convinced he's doing better about his drinking but does not like the fact that I am detached.
He claims he NEEDS physical contact (everything from hugs, kisses to sex). He doesn't hear me when I say I need him to get help for his drinking. I posted about this before - I do love him, but I am so over this drinking thing. The snoring and sweating in bed at night, the bottles hidden here and there..you know the scene. And yuck, when he tries to hug or kiss me with beer breath.
So, let's have it. You guys are good.
What do I say when he says, "Are you going to hug me?"...or "You're pushing me farther away"...."Are you always going to make this about my drinking - there is more to our problems than that. I need physical contact. We need to go back to being husband and wife."
Maybe disengaging is the best approach? Probably. But a quick retort is often helpful with him.
My AH is convinced he's doing better about his drinking but does not like the fact that I am detached.
He claims he NEEDS physical contact (everything from hugs, kisses to sex). He doesn't hear me when I say I need him to get help for his drinking. I posted about this before - I do love him, but I am so over this drinking thing. The snoring and sweating in bed at night, the bottles hidden here and there..you know the scene. And yuck, when he tries to hug or kiss me with beer breath.
So, let's have it. You guys are good.
What do I say when he says, "Are you going to hug me?"...or "You're pushing me farther away"...."Are you always going to make this about my drinking - there is more to our problems than that. I need physical contact. We need to go back to being husband and wife."
Maybe disengaging is the best approach? Probably. But a quick retort is often helpful with him.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
You sit his him down and look him right in the eye like an independent person with valid opinions and feelings and say. "Your drinking is a real problem for me and I can't pretend it doesn't bother me. I would like for you to sleep in another bedroom."
Or you can continue with the facade a little longer. At some point you will have had enough and this issue will come to a head.
I had many reservations about pulling the trigger on the "truth" with Mel because I knew it would start the snowball rolling down the hill and I was afraid of the eventual devastation. As it turned out there was nothing to be afraid of.
Or you can continue with the facade a little longer. At some point you will have had enough and this issue will come to a head.
I had many reservations about pulling the trigger on the "truth" with Mel because I knew it would start the snowball rolling down the hill and I was afraid of the eventual devastation. As it turned out there was nothing to be afraid of.
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
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Originally Posted by whereisthisgoin 
He claims he NEEDS physical contact (everything from hugs, kisses to sex). He doesn't hear me when I say I need him to get help for his drinking. I posted about this before - I do love him, but I am so over this drinking thing. The snoring and sweating in bed at night, the bottles hidden here and there..you know the scene. And yuck, when he tries to hug or kiss me with beer breath.
Maybe disengaging is the best approach? Probably. But a quick retort is often helpful with him.
Maybe disengaging is the best approach? Probably. But a quick retort is often helpful with him.
Hope you have a good week end anyway, thinking of you.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
You could ask him if he wants intimate contact with someone who doesn't want to be near him...
You could ask him why he wants to pretend everything is alright by having sex...
Or you could just plain say "No, I'm not comfortable with that right now".
You could ask him why he wants to pretend everything is alright by having sex...
Or you could just plain say "No, I'm not comfortable with that right now".
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Perhaps you could tell him that, him smelling like a brewery and being as he is when drinking, makes you feel physically sick.
You could also explain that you see the drink as his mistress, and you feel the same disgust, when he wants a "loving" from you when he is drunk, as you would if he had been with another woman, all night and then come for a love from you.
Personally the stink of stale beer, and the pong that comes out of some folks skin pores, as it did with my late AH, is enough to send me moving as fast as my little legs will take me,....in the opposite direction.
I have been there and it can still cause me to shiver, so good luck.
God bless
You could also explain that you see the drink as his mistress, and you feel the same disgust, when he wants a "loving" from you when he is drunk, as you would if he had been with another woman, all night and then come for a love from you.
Personally the stink of stale beer, and the pong that comes out of some folks skin pores, as it did with my late AH, is enough to send me moving as fast as my little legs will take me,....in the opposite direction.
I have been there and it can still cause me to shiver, so good luck.
God bless
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
I don't have a hard core answer for you... but I find it interesting that He claims he NEEDS physical contact ... but He doesn't hear what YOU NEED. Typical manipulation and oh so frustrating.
So when my XAH begin to play the same game... I ultimately had to decide what I wanted and what I was willing to live with... (boundary) and then I enforced it.
Take care.
So when my XAH begin to play the same game... I ultimately had to decide what I wanted and what I was willing to live with... (boundary) and then I enforced it.
Take care.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 277
He knows if he's drinking that I am off limits. The problem comes with the day-to-day stuff...I'm so annoyed with his drinking that I really don't want physical contact even when he's sober.
It feels codie to have to be hugging him when he doesn't have a bottle in his hand and detached when he does.
It feels codie to have to be hugging him when he doesn't have a bottle in his hand and detached when he does.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
And YOU are the only one that can answer what YOU want to do with YOUR life.
I understand you are seeking an answer... but YOU have the answer... there are no easy ways of dealing with an alcoholic.
I once set out to find "the answers" and I was extremely frustrated when I didn't get an answer... looking back I realize the people who didn't fill in the blanks for me... did me a favor... they let me figure it out on my own.... as I was the only one that could and I'm grateful for it!
In the meanwhile... take care of YOU!
:day6
I understand you are seeking an answer... but YOU have the answer... there are no easy ways of dealing with an alcoholic.
I once set out to find "the answers" and I was extremely frustrated when I didn't get an answer... looking back I realize the people who didn't fill in the blanks for me... did me a favor... they let me figure it out on my own.... as I was the only one that could and I'm grateful for it!
In the meanwhile... take care of YOU!
:day6
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 277
Originally Posted by Hammerhead
And YOU are the only one that can answer what YOU want to do with YOUR life.
I understand you are seeking an answer... but YOU have the answer... there are no easy ways of dealing with an alcoholic.
I once set out to find "the answers" and I was extremely frustrated when I didn't get an answer... looking back I realize the people who didn't fill in the blanks for me... did me a favor... they let me figure it out on my own.... as I was the only one that could and I'm grateful for it!
In the meanwhile... take care of YOU!
:day6
I understand you are seeking an answer... but YOU have the answer... there are no easy ways of dealing with an alcoholic.
I once set out to find "the answers" and I was extremely frustrated when I didn't get an answer... looking back I realize the people who didn't fill in the blanks for me... did me a favor... they let me figure it out on my own.... as I was the only one that could and I'm grateful for it!
In the meanwhile... take care of YOU!
:day6
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 277
Aw, anvilhead - you are one tough person. It's not gotten to that point, but I always like when you weigh in. You have a sharp and direct approach.
I'm still trying a slightly more softer approach to trying to figure out my way..but you're awesome to hear from
I'm still trying a slightly more softer approach to trying to figure out my way..but you're awesome to hear from
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by anvilhead
and truth be told....i really don't like being stereotyped as TOUGH, or HARD ASS, or any of those labels simply because i take the direct route. and try to keep it real and based on fact.
...and I am tempted to put a fluffy and a bow on that!
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 9
AH who has not had a drink in a little over 6 weeks keeps asking me if we can be intimate too and I just say I am not ready. I did early on when he quit drinking, but his attitude was still crap and I didn't see much change in him except for no drinking. He gets upset tells me he won't ask again for the rest of the month and tells me it will happen when I decide I want to initiate it.
I just don't understand how they expect us to lay down and be intimate after certain things have been said and done. I am now detached and living my life and enjoying our kids. He doesn't like it all.
I just don't understand how they expect us to lay down and be intimate after certain things have been said and done. I am now detached and living my life and enjoying our kids. He doesn't like it all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Your body is your own. You control the access to it. You decide the conditions that allow access (and I am using access in the broadest sense). Those conditions can be as sane or as stupid as you wish.
I remember this part of it all too well. It felt like such a bloody liberty. And a physical invasion, an example of the fact that I was not a person to him, but simply a means of comfort and strength that he couldn't give himself. I remember one night that I came back late from visiting my parents alone for the weekend and I got into bed. My ex enveloped me in a bear hug (that I was really not in the mood for - it was a bad time between us) and could physically feel the power drain from me to him. It was the strangest feeling ever.
Whilst I usually dislike generalisations, it seems that there is truth in the saying that some men need to have sex to feel love and some women need to feel love to have sex. Add that into a dysfunctional dynamic and there is bound to be friction.
I remember this part of it all too well. It felt like such a bloody liberty. And a physical invasion, an example of the fact that I was not a person to him, but simply a means of comfort and strength that he couldn't give himself. I remember one night that I came back late from visiting my parents alone for the weekend and I got into bed. My ex enveloped me in a bear hug (that I was really not in the mood for - it was a bad time between us) and could physically feel the power drain from me to him. It was the strangest feeling ever.
Whilst I usually dislike generalisations, it seems that there is truth in the saying that some men need to have sex to feel love and some women need to feel love to have sex. Add that into a dysfunctional dynamic and there is bound to be friction.
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