Torrenn

I was re-directed to this part of the forum...I keep going back and forth on what to do. I recently realized my fiance is an alcoholic. The signs were all there, and people kept telling me so, but it took a long while to admit it to myself. He's lied over drinking and hidden it from me before, and I've had to confront him about it twice already. He recently lost a job from being hung over and loosing his temper. He promises he knows that it is a problem and that he's working on it and that he wont lie to me about it again. He said he'd go to AA meetings, but now a week later says he'd rather work on it himself. I just don't know if I can trust him at this point, The second time I confronted him about it he said he'd cut back and work on it himself. This time when he lost his job he was very down on himself and said he'd just not drink at all, go to AA. I don't know if my trust will hold up or if this will always be a problem. Everything else about him is perfect for me - we've been together over a year, and my kids love him, and he's great with them. I just feel so lost and out of control. I love him, and I love to be with him, but I don't know if this is something I can deal with, or put my family through if it is a major problem.

PieRat

Welcome to the cycle..

Drink, get drunk, hang-over, swear to get help, go to a meeting (or a few), get resentful, feel like there is no problem, stop getting help...

Rinse, and repeat ad nauseam...

Welcome to SR by the way. You will find a lot of wisdom and support here.

kemarus

As someone who lived in an alcoholic marriage for 19 years, I say listen to your gut feeling on this. I can't tell you how many times I heard he was going to get help and then decided he would do it on his own and then he was just going to control how much he drank. That's the spinning wheels that I lived with. Fell for it a lot. Hoped for it even more. Had kids and lived through hell and still kept trying to believe it or fool myself. I wouldn't go a step further if I were you until he is sober and sticking with it for a very long time. Unless you like pain and heartbreak in every part of your life for a very long time....sorry to be so harsh but it's not any easy life by any means.

nodaybut2day

Hi there and to SR! This is a great place to learn and get support. I'm glad you found us.

Let me just post for you the 3 C's of addiction
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.

It seems like part of you already knows these instinctively because your inner voice is saying STOP. Listen to that voice. Take the time to start caring for the most important person in your life: you.

Nothing you say or do to your fiancé is going to change a thing. He's going to go on doing what he does until he hits his bottom and chooses recovery. Or not. That's his choice exclusively.

Can you ask yourself if you love this man, completely and totally, as he is today, drowning in the cycle of his addiction? Because this is the only person he's willing to be.

Have you considered going to Al-Anon?

Keep reading and posting. I'm sure others will be along with words of wisdom of their own.

KINGOFNEWYORK

I'm not a psychologist or doctor by any means, but here is my two cents. He certainly has a problem if his drinking has had such an affect that he lost his job. He lost his temper while being hungover,,does he lose his temper when inebriated ?? He has not gone to any meetings yet he'll "work on it himself"...He is not great with the kids if his drinking made him lose his job..He needs help, and the bottom line is you shouldn't expose your children to a train wreck when you know its happening. Unless he admits he has no control over alcohol and seeks help whether through AA, or even here daily on SR without drinking, the future will hold many more problems for you. I am just speaking through my experiences which have been in similar circumstances in my life. Welcome to SR, you have an unlimited source of information here and I wish you the best of luck in finding what will help you. Good luck.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family Torrenn!

You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. I recommend the sticky (permanent) posts at the top of this forum. I always find wisdom and understanding in those posts.

I'm sorry that your loved one is showing signs of alcoholism. If left untreated, alcoholism progresses and gets worse.

I loved an alcoholic too. I tried to love him into sobriety and recovery. I just ended up making us both crazy. My love was not powerful enough to battle the addiction to alcohol. I discovered this website, Alanon meetings and self-help books. Today, I am more focused on myself and taking better care of ME.

This is the first step in Alanon (same as the first step in AA, btw)

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable"

By admitting I was powerless over alcohol, I was able to surrender and stop fighting a victorless battle. "We admitted" reminds me that I am not alone in admitting I am powerless over alcohol.

You are not alone. We are here to support you!

theuncertainty

Welcome to SR, Torrenn. Everyone who's posted has provided really good information. I'd really like to stress that you trust yourself. If you're feeling like you can't trust him, there's a reason.

Perhaps there are a few alcoholics who can just stop and work it out on their own; however, it doesn't sound like it's working out so well for your fiance. I know it didn't work out for my AH. If his drinking has cost your fiance his job, it's pretty serious.

Al-Anon and SR have been a great source of information and support for me. Keep reading, keep posting, attend meetings. It'll help you get the information you need to help yourself and your kids. (Please keep in mind that if your fiance's drinking is affecting you, it's affecting your kids, too.)
Best wishes.

dollydo

To me, you are playing with fire. And, formost, you have children that are being exposed to his drinking, this is not good.

You seem to be blinded by love. Your heart is not designed to do the thinking, it has no ability to do so, that is the job of your brain.

Might be time to listen to your friends and family, they are thinking with their heads, not their hearts.

bedbear

hi im new here,read all the posts above and want to give my thoughts......as im the alcoholic in my marriage. i used to be able to drink like 'normal'people and knew when i was tipsy and it was time to stop but, at some point in the last 5yrs i lost that feeling of knowing when to stop. i didnt choose to loose my off switch....it vanished. it wasnt a choice i made. this is an illness, not a life choice. my husband has been great despite the way ive treated him. i still work, never had points on my license but i think my personal rock bottom came b4 other alcoholics have felt it. i knew i WANTED to choose my family and life not alcohol. Your partner hasnt realised yet it not about to drink or not, its to choose life with those ur love......not ultimately early death. i painted a pic in my husbands head of what i saw in my life if i didnt stop. ask him what he sees........