I have a question for everyone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 11
I have a question for everyone
I posted my story and what Im going through refer to feeling something but just dont know what,Ive learned alot and keep learning more but Im wondering what all these outcomes are from the people that have made it to where they are. are they still in the relationship with the A or have they walked away?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I can't speak for anyone else..me, I had to walk away. It was either me or him, I chose me.
Quite honestly I decided that I loved me more than I loved him, and that I was entitled to a life of peace and happiness. If I stayed with him I would not have either.
It was a win, win situation, I got rid of him and I once again found me!
Quite honestly I decided that I loved me more than I loved him, and that I was entitled to a life of peace and happiness. If I stayed with him I would not have either.
It was a win, win situation, I got rid of him and I once again found me!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
My husband recovered when I made a concrete decision to leave. It was different to other times in the past when I would say that I was through but did not mean it. This time I was through and had given up on him. He gave up alcohol so I did not actually leave the house but emotionally had checked out. In the end going through the steps with Al-Anon helped me forgive him. He did counselling, some AA early on his sobriety, he is still actively going to church so I think religion is his recovery program for him. It took a year of us recovering independently before we could even connect with each other again although we never physically separated. We had two toddlers and I figured if he was sober I wouldn't disrupt the family because when he was sober there was no reason to leave. I don't know but I guess the thought of losing his family was his bottom - I honestly thought it would go the other way and he would leave us to continue drinking. Even now there are no guarantees and I can't control him. He may relapse (today, tomorrow, who knows) but thanks to the program I am grateful for each sober day we have together and I know that I won't stick around should he decide to drink again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
What dollydo said 
although I am still tryng to find me--and also, my kids were starting to act like me when I was their age and living with my alcoholic mother. I know the struggles I still have in life because of being raised in our family. It impacted all of us in different ways but it damaged all of us.
I did not want my sons to have to slog through all of that. I know now they may still have to slog because it is not like their dad is gone. He sees them--but I guess I feel like I provide some buffer and reality to their picture. Life does not have to be chaos. Life can be fun and full of love. It is not just insane behavior and yelling and screaming.
Once I moved into my own house with the kids--it was weird. I felt like I was living in a castle with a moat. Whem he shows up to get the kids the drawbridge goes down (metaphorically). When he is gone the drawbridge is up. We are safe and the tension (from the alcoholism and drugging) is gone.
although I am still tryng to find me--and also, my kids were starting to act like me when I was their age and living with my alcoholic mother. I know the struggles I still have in life because of being raised in our family. It impacted all of us in different ways but it damaged all of us. I did not want my sons to have to slog through all of that. I know now they may still have to slog because it is not like their dad is gone. He sees them--but I guess I feel like I provide some buffer and reality to their picture. Life does not have to be chaos. Life can be fun and full of love. It is not just insane behavior and yelling and screaming.
Once I moved into my own house with the kids--it was weird. I felt like I was living in a castle with a moat. Whem he shows up to get the kids the drawbridge goes down (metaphorically). When he is gone the drawbridge is up. We are safe and the tension (from the alcoholism and drugging) is gone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I chose to listen to my then-mother-in-law who told me to save myself and my daughter, and leave. Looking back, I know it was the right thing for us. I was drowning.
My XAH never admitted to being an alcoholic, and as far as I know, the madness continues in his life. It's business as usual for him, and he's on to his next girlfriend/enabler.
My XAH never admitted to being an alcoholic, and as far as I know, the madness continues in his life. It's business as usual for him, and he's on to his next girlfriend/enabler.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 94
As I posted to another thread.... my husband and I recently celebrated our 1st year wedding anniversary and several days before that, his 1st year sobriety. 4 days prior to our wedding date, he got a DUI and tried to hide it from me (by hiding his ticket, which I found and confronted him about). I told him I would continue with the wedding under one condition, he got treatment. He was reluctant to do so at first, but finally did and has stuck with counseling, relapse prevention and AA meetings. The thought does cross my mind from time to time and scares the crap out of me of what will happen if he relapses in the future. I am trying to just focus on today though and learn all I can from Al Anon and how to take care of me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Leaving the Alcoholic Spouse....
Hi CryingCross & Everyone Else,
The first time I went to in-patient tx & sobered up was in the early 1970's. I also had been getting counseling prior to this for my major depression and anxiety. We lost one of our twins in a SIDS death & I just could not get a grasp on my life again for a long time so was physically, mentally, & spiritually ill with no ability to think for myself to keep myself safe.
When I was in treatment (co-ed) I felt younger than my 33 years of age & actually had fun while I was learning...???? I could not concentrate on much of anything nor should I have been allowed to make any major decisions. But I did.
After a year of sobriety I asked my husband for a divorce & moved out of our family home with my youngest son. My H & I had not been able to communicate our true feelings for a long time & neither of us understood depression & all it was doing to me along with the alcohol so it was a long time down the road I chose to take before I knew I had made a big mistake.
We both eventually remarried & divorced & eventually came back together again but did not get married again until we had both retired. I started a new career at 50 years old after getting my BA Degree in Psychology.
We had a his, ours, mine family of five children who were all grown & on their own by then. He had still been drinking some but quit before asking me to marry him again.
I have been sober 21 years & when I asked for help the second time I wanted sobriety more than anything else in my life...& also I needed help for my depression which I got at the same time. I was ready to listen & do what I needed to do to stay sober & it worked. I chose AA with a Sponsor & got 1-1 counseling for my depression. The first year I went to AA every evening, worked, & had my youngest daughter with me still. The second year I went to AA, college classes late afternoons/early evenings, worked half time, & took care of my youngest daughter who had been dx with Juvenile Diabetes a few months before I started school again.
This was a long & twisting road for two years but I was too busy to even think of picking up a drink...but I had prepared myself for escapes from slippery people, places, & things.
This is my experience, strength, & hope to share with you & your husband. You both are still young with a young family so you have a lot to think about & discuss when he is sober if that is possible. It seemed to me that my husband & I learned how to communicate better as we grew older & wiser which sometimes can take a lifetime.
It is so good that you are taking care of you & your children & have a good background with Alanon.
kelsh
The first time I went to in-patient tx & sobered up was in the early 1970's. I also had been getting counseling prior to this for my major depression and anxiety. We lost one of our twins in a SIDS death & I just could not get a grasp on my life again for a long time so was physically, mentally, & spiritually ill with no ability to think for myself to keep myself safe.
When I was in treatment (co-ed) I felt younger than my 33 years of age & actually had fun while I was learning...???? I could not concentrate on much of anything nor should I have been allowed to make any major decisions. But I did.
After a year of sobriety I asked my husband for a divorce & moved out of our family home with my youngest son. My H & I had not been able to communicate our true feelings for a long time & neither of us understood depression & all it was doing to me along with the alcohol so it was a long time down the road I chose to take before I knew I had made a big mistake.
We both eventually remarried & divorced & eventually came back together again but did not get married again until we had both retired. I started a new career at 50 years old after getting my BA Degree in Psychology.
We had a his, ours, mine family of five children who were all grown & on their own by then. He had still been drinking some but quit before asking me to marry him again.
I have been sober 21 years & when I asked for help the second time I wanted sobriety more than anything else in my life...& also I needed help for my depression which I got at the same time. I was ready to listen & do what I needed to do to stay sober & it worked. I chose AA with a Sponsor & got 1-1 counseling for my depression. The first year I went to AA every evening, worked, & had my youngest daughter with me still. The second year I went to AA, college classes late afternoons/early evenings, worked half time, & took care of my youngest daughter who had been dx with Juvenile Diabetes a few months before I started school again.
This was a long & twisting road for two years but I was too busy to even think of picking up a drink...but I had prepared myself for escapes from slippery people, places, & things.
This is my experience, strength, & hope to share with you & your husband. You both are still young with a young family so you have a lot to think about & discuss when he is sober if that is possible. It seemed to me that my husband & I learned how to communicate better as we grew older & wiser which sometimes can take a lifetime.
It is so good that you are taking care of you & your children & have a good background with Alanon.
kelsh
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
