Please help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 2
Please help
Hello all,
I am reaching out to get some advice...
My childhood friend has been drinking heavily for years and now at the age of 30 she is in the ICU her liver and kidneys are failing and she has pancreatitus. It does not look good for her; she is very sick and also hallucinating and going through withdrawals. I have been visiting her whenever possible, but am not sure what to say to her about her problem anyone else who has talked to her she cut off immediately. Should I just try to be there for her or do I risk her shutting me out by talking to her? I have been friends with her for 18 years but in the last ten we have drifted apart, mostly because I had moved out of state and when I moved back she was distant and "doing her own thing". I am worried but don't know what to do, I am not sure what if anything I can do that would help her now. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you
I am reaching out to get some advice...
My childhood friend has been drinking heavily for years and now at the age of 30 she is in the ICU her liver and kidneys are failing and she has pancreatitus. It does not look good for her; she is very sick and also hallucinating and going through withdrawals. I have been visiting her whenever possible, but am not sure what to say to her about her problem anyone else who has talked to her she cut off immediately. Should I just try to be there for her or do I risk her shutting me out by talking to her? I have been friends with her for 18 years but in the last ten we have drifted apart, mostly because I had moved out of state and when I moved back she was distant and "doing her own thing". I am worried but don't know what to do, I am not sure what if anything I can do that would help her now. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi Jessica
Welcome to SR
If she's shutting others out I think you should at least be prepared for her shutting you out too.
I don't know your friend but I know sometimes when I was out of control with my drinking I didn't want to hear any advice, however well meaning.
It's really tough being the friend of an alcoholic sometimes. I pushed a lot of people away.
Please don't think that it's your job to save her. Thats her job.
Your job, if you want it to be, is to be her friend.
I think it would be great to tell her that you love her and that you're there for her if she wants to talk - if thats what you want to do.
D
Welcome to SR
If she's shutting others out I think you should at least be prepared for her shutting you out too.
I don't know your friend but I know sometimes when I was out of control with my drinking I didn't want to hear any advice, however well meaning.
It's really tough being the friend of an alcoholic sometimes. I pushed a lot of people away.
Please don't think that it's your job to save her. Thats her job.
Your job, if you want it to be, is to be her friend.
I think it would be great to tell her that you love her and that you're there for her if she wants to talk - if thats what you want to do.
D
Last edited by Dee74; 06-08-2010 at 03:56 AM.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Welcome Jessica.
I am so sorry to hear about your friend. If I were in your position, I would just try and be a good friend to her. Not a judge or a finger-wagging preacher, but just be there for her. No matter what choices led her to this place, she is very sick and needs gentleness not opprobrium. Why would I think that my friend didn't know what had led her into that hospital bed?
Accept her for who she is. Hold her hand, mop her brow, speak to her with kindness. Advocate for her. And have the details of available help for if and when she asks.
My thoughts are with you both.
I am so sorry to hear about your friend. If I were in your position, I would just try and be a good friend to her. Not a judge or a finger-wagging preacher, but just be there for her. No matter what choices led her to this place, she is very sick and needs gentleness not opprobrium. Why would I think that my friend didn't know what had led her into that hospital bed?
Accept her for who she is. Hold her hand, mop her brow, speak to her with kindness. Advocate for her. And have the details of available help for if and when she asks.
My thoughts are with you both.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Just wanted to second what said above.
Speaking from experience with my AH who's in the hospital now with liver cirrhosis I'd say all your friend needs now is a comfort, someone to hold her hand, and make this easier on her. This is the worst time ever to try to make her face her reality. If her chances are not good as you say, what would be the point for her to listen to someone telling her what she did. With her halucinating and not feeling mentaly well why bring even more confusion.
Just be there for her, smile at her, hold her hand, talk to her eventhough she can't probably understand much at this time, but she can feel your love. I think that's the most and the best you can do for her.
If she recovers physically there will be plenty of time to find ways to help her deal with alcoholism issues.
She's lucky to have you, reaching out and trying to find out what is best for her.
I hope your friend gets well.
Speaking from experience with my AH who's in the hospital now with liver cirrhosis I'd say all your friend needs now is a comfort, someone to hold her hand, and make this easier on her. This is the worst time ever to try to make her face her reality. If her chances are not good as you say, what would be the point for her to listen to someone telling her what she did. With her halucinating and not feeling mentaly well why bring even more confusion.
Just be there for her, smile at her, hold her hand, talk to her eventhough she can't probably understand much at this time, but she can feel your love. I think that's the most and the best you can do for her.
If she recovers physically there will be plenty of time to find ways to help her deal with alcoholism issues.
She's lucky to have you, reaching out and trying to find out what is best for her.
I hope your friend gets well.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey sommersjessica--
So sorry about your friend. I lost a high school friend (an alcoholic) to pancreatitiis when he was 30. So tragic. Such a waste.
I wouldn't worry about talking to her about her problem. The nurses and doctors will have definitely mentioned that she should never drink again, it's pretty much first on the care plan list with a patient w/ pancreatitis.
You could maybe just hand her the number to local AA and say - "these people have been in your shoes, they know how you are suffering, maybe give them a call when you're ready." And then just let it go. Because she has to seek and accept the help if she wants recovery.
In terms of "her" problem that's probably all you can do. Otherwise just being a friend and cheering up someone who is sick in the hospital - the regular stuff - without attaching too much expectation to how its received.
peace-
b
So sorry about your friend. I lost a high school friend (an alcoholic) to pancreatitiis when he was 30. So tragic. Such a waste.
I wouldn't worry about talking to her about her problem. The nurses and doctors will have definitely mentioned that she should never drink again, it's pretty much first on the care plan list with a patient w/ pancreatitis.
You could maybe just hand her the number to local AA and say - "these people have been in your shoes, they know how you are suffering, maybe give them a call when you're ready." And then just let it go. Because she has to seek and accept the help if she wants recovery.
In terms of "her" problem that's probably all you can do. Otherwise just being a friend and cheering up someone who is sick in the hospital - the regular stuff - without attaching too much expectation to how its received.
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: litchfield hills ct
Posts: 16
I was once your friend. I also had a best friend. I don’t remember much about those days. They were lonely, dark and scary times. I didn’t know who I was anymore and neither did my husband or my children. I was a mess....I remember coming to in some hospital..in some er. For a short time I was in and out of there so many times I can’t remember exactly which time that was. But As I was coming too.....I remember seeing my best friend. She was bending over me and picking the sticks and other materials out of my hair. She looked at me in a way that I hadn’t been in a very long time. She knew it was me, she knew who I was and above all the other things that mattered in that moment...she knew that what was in front of her, wasn’t me and what was left of me was a broken person consumed with something that I couldn’t take control of myself back. That day, I was reminded what peace felt like...I actually felt like a person again, and I somehow found whatever strength I had left inside of me and I used to be strong and start what I needed to do to save myself and my family. There was a relapse or two...but she stood by my side and listened to my ever selfish, self-centered word that would vent out my mouth. She never yelled or got angry (at least not to my face) she was just there and she just cared. She took me to one of my first AA meetings.....and gratefully today I have been sober for 1 year and 9 months. I have my family back, I have my life back and I have a best friend next to me that still listens to my every chatic word....in fact it has been that way ever since..bc she never left my side, not even for one day.
This really isn’t advice....it’s part of my story. It is a part that hopefully could mean as much to someone else as it does to me.
This really isn’t advice....it’s part of my story. It is a part that hopefully could mean as much to someone else as it does to me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 2
Thank you all for the wonderful advice, I just got back from visiting her and I think that it went pretty well, while she is still very sick I didn't treat her (even though I never menat too, and didn't realize I was) like a problem I had to solve, I just sat with her and talked to her, she seemed a little more at peace today. I am very grateful for all the wonderful responses. Thank you and God Bless.
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