Getting better for me....sort of
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 9
Getting better for me....sort of
So it's been 6 weeks since AH has had a drink. I haven't been saying much to him. I tell him I'm proud, but since he hasn't been working a program or talking to anyone, he is still just "dry". His attitude sucks most of the time, which he realizes, he says.
I've been having fun. Hanging out with the kids, making new friends, going out with old friends without drinking. I know when I drink and come home he makes comments about me smelling like it, so I haven't been doing it. I even went to the store one night and he still told me I smelled like I had a drink???....I didn't know what to say to that.
I really haven't had much to say to AH. I just go about my day cleaning the house, taking care of our children and the other kids I watch. Some days he helps with our kids, other days he doesn't. We all came down with the flu and of course I couldn't rest without kids all over me....he however spent 2 days in bed.
He asked me what I wanted. I didn't know. But after him asking and asking, I said I wanted a divorce. He said f*** you at first and threw his ring at me, then later told me NO and that we can make this work.
He says I have been treating him like crap. Lying, manipulating, walking all over him. I've just been going on with my life and having fun with the kids. I took them to a wedding dance and we danced for hours then the next day we sat outside all day and just enjoyed a nice summer day with my sister and her kids. I don't get it and he says I am the way he was, only I'm doing it sober. Just don't understand and he doesn't elaborate. Of course I could ask, but I'd rather not.
The love for the man I married almost 10 years ago has left me and I'm not sure if it will or can return. With everything he has said and done while drinking, I finally had enough and when he knew I was serious, he quit drinking.
We are also having problems in the bedroom, but I'm not sure why. He doesn't always get hard all of the way and he lasts much longer than what he used to. He said even masturbating was difficult and he gives up after a certain amount of time. I've tried researching this but all I find is problems while drinking.
I've been having fun. Hanging out with the kids, making new friends, going out with old friends without drinking. I know when I drink and come home he makes comments about me smelling like it, so I haven't been doing it. I even went to the store one night and he still told me I smelled like I had a drink???....I didn't know what to say to that.
I really haven't had much to say to AH. I just go about my day cleaning the house, taking care of our children and the other kids I watch. Some days he helps with our kids, other days he doesn't. We all came down with the flu and of course I couldn't rest without kids all over me....he however spent 2 days in bed.
He asked me what I wanted. I didn't know. But after him asking and asking, I said I wanted a divorce. He said f*** you at first and threw his ring at me, then later told me NO and that we can make this work.
He says I have been treating him like crap. Lying, manipulating, walking all over him. I've just been going on with my life and having fun with the kids. I took them to a wedding dance and we danced for hours then the next day we sat outside all day and just enjoyed a nice summer day with my sister and her kids. I don't get it and he says I am the way he was, only I'm doing it sober. Just don't understand and he doesn't elaborate. Of course I could ask, but I'd rather not.
The love for the man I married almost 10 years ago has left me and I'm not sure if it will or can return. With everything he has said and done while drinking, I finally had enough and when he knew I was serious, he quit drinking.
We are also having problems in the bedroom, but I'm not sure why. He doesn't always get hard all of the way and he lasts much longer than what he used to. He said even masturbating was difficult and he gives up after a certain amount of time. I've tried researching this but all I find is problems while drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 133
Thank you so much for posting that...I have been feeling the same lately. My ABF has been sober since 2/1/2010 because he got another DUI and is on a tether. Wait, thats not correct...he's a dry drunk, he's not working a program of recovery, he's not in recovery, and he's a miserable bas#$5d! I can't stand him!! It's funny, I prayed for him to get sober, and now he is, and I cant stand being around him!! LOL!! I've been doing the same thing you have, living my own life, (I don't live with him!) and getting on with things!! I know with all my heart that the minute that tether comes off (6/18) he's back out drinking, and well, I just don't care anymore. I guess it took what it took, and over the last 10 years he's managed to kill every bit of love I had for him. Going back this last time took me a while, and for some reason, I'm not beating myself up over it anymore! It is what it is, or was what it was. When I did go back, I didn't make him my first priority, and it pissed him off!! I just continued to do what made me happy, hanging with family and friends, regardless of what he did, which is work 12 hours a day for the last 2 months.
I am living life, having a great time, and it doesn't matter anymore how he's living his or how he feels. Its just not important. I feel free, really free, and although I have moments of sadness, it's always fleeting...."This too shall pass" has been my motto!! God Bless!!
I am living life, having a great time, and it doesn't matter anymore how he's living his or how he feels. Its just not important. I feel free, really free, and although I have moments of sadness, it's always fleeting...."This too shall pass" has been my motto!! God Bless!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Seems like your AH is reacting to the "new you" and doesn't like being ignored one bit.
If you want a divorce, then by all means, don't let him dictate whether or not you'll stay together. Focus on what you want and the rest...meh. The destruction of your marriage is a byproduct of his addiction...nothing you can do about that.
If you want a divorce, then by all means, don't let him dictate whether or not you'll stay together. Focus on what you want and the rest...meh. The destruction of your marriage is a byproduct of his addiction...nothing you can do about that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 9
I just feel bad for telling him that if he quit drinking our problems would be solved. I hadn't realized that I just was DONE. I don't think there is any way I could love him knowing and feeling everything I do. Sure, I could try. But just not sure I want to. I have fought for 10 years for him to LOVE me, love our kids. I'm done fighting. I LOVE myself!! Now, finally. I Love myself! Feels great to say! And having friends tell me that they will support whatever decision I make is overwhelming. "Our" friends used to just tell me it will get better. I heard that for 10 years. Waiting. I feel I have wasted a lot of my life. The fun years. But no more. Whether we are together or not, I am not going to slow down. If I want to go out for a run, go out with friends, or take the kids to the pool. I will. Without asking for permission!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I think it's fantastic that you finally found love for yourself. YAY!
As for the guilt...well, I think that it was unrealistic to promise that all the problems would go away if he would stop drinking, but then again, I'm sure your AH made a bunch of mistakes himself and you don't see him getting his panties in a bunch over it.
Finally...this particular classic reading is a favourite of mine:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-go-guilt.html
especially this part:
"The greatest gift we can give someone is the opportunity to find love. If we are unable to get what we need in a relationship, then we can never give another what he/she needs. We will feel too resentful. Only by leaving him/her will he/she be free to find the love he/she needs."
It really hit home for me...
As for the guilt...well, I think that it was unrealistic to promise that all the problems would go away if he would stop drinking, but then again, I'm sure your AH made a bunch of mistakes himself and you don't see him getting his panties in a bunch over it.
Finally...this particular classic reading is a favourite of mine:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-go-guilt.html
especially this part:
"The greatest gift we can give someone is the opportunity to find love. If we are unable to get what we need in a relationship, then we can never give another what he/she needs. We will feel too resentful. Only by leaving him/her will he/she be free to find the love he/she needs."
It really hit home for me...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Sorry I have posted this several times but it so fits what you are going thru I have to post it again. There is a saying in the rooms of AA:
"Q:What do you get when you sober up a horse thief?"
"A:A sober horse thief"
The point being, drinking is but a symptom of our problems. If the answer was to simply stop drinking, AA would be a 1 step program. It isn't, it is a 12 step program. In the 12 steps we turn our life over to our higher power, take inventory of all of our wrongs (drinking was about 1% of my inventory), make amends for these wrongs as best we can, and practice the 12 steps in all areas of our lives. Forever. There is no graduation day from AA.
If you haven't read the 12 steps, google them. It is a short read but very deep stuff.
Not working a program and being dry made me miserable. I struggled and relapsed. When I started truly working AA, my struggles disappeared, I was no longer miserable, and I have stayed sober.
If he wants to truly work the steps, he has to do it for himself - not for you, the marriage, the kids, the boss or a judge - for himself. If you are up to it, show this post to your A. He may even get it. But don't let it fan your hopes.
"Q:What do you get when you sober up a horse thief?"
"A:A sober horse thief"
The point being, drinking is but a symptom of our problems. If the answer was to simply stop drinking, AA would be a 1 step program. It isn't, it is a 12 step program. In the 12 steps we turn our life over to our higher power, take inventory of all of our wrongs (drinking was about 1% of my inventory), make amends for these wrongs as best we can, and practice the 12 steps in all areas of our lives. Forever. There is no graduation day from AA.
If you haven't read the 12 steps, google them. It is a short read but very deep stuff.
Not working a program and being dry made me miserable. I struggled and relapsed. When I started truly working AA, my struggles disappeared, I was no longer miserable, and I have stayed sober.
If he wants to truly work the steps, he has to do it for himself - not for you, the marriage, the kids, the boss or a judge - for himself. If you are up to it, show this post to your A. He may even get it. But don't let it fan your hopes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 9
Well, I have talked to him about AA. He went to one meeting. Said he's going to do it the unconventional way. So here I am wondering if it's only a matter of time until he goes back to drinking. He says he doesn't want a drink. Says he sees things much clearer. Has started going to classes to get his GED. I'm sure he will do great things. It's just his attitude is not likable. Plus I just don't think I love him. Ahhh, I've been doing this for 10 years. Will ever it ever be easy?
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