praiseHim

Ok, I found alanon about 6 yrs ago and went for a bit and then was on and off since then and got heavy into it about 2 yrs. ago. I like how you focus on yourself and that it is about you and what you can do in your life to heal and change. I have gained a lot of serenity from alanon as well. Sometimes it seems like it teaches some enabling things. Sometimes I feel like it is just coping through life. I know that it probably isn't, but sometimes I feel like it is teaching that. It is making the best of a situation that just completely sucks! I know that we can't change other people, but is putting up with it and working on ourselves to make ourselves better the answer? I felt like I did that for a year and feel like things escalated with my relationship. I didn't enable, I didn't nag, I followed alanon. Someone posted about Bill and Lois's relationship and how terrible it was. THey stayed together, but she went through complete hell! Sometimes I feel like alanon teaches to put up with stuff and just make the best of it and if you work on yourself it will be ok. That is the work ok, but not fulfilling, not happy, not a good relationship, not good for your kids. I know alanon is support and it does help, but also get confused by some of it's teachings. Any thoughts? I'm not posting this because I'm against alanon, just get confused sometimes by it's teachings or the purpose of it.

PieRat

I was questioning someone in P.M.'s about this very topic. Glad to see I am not the only one wondering about what Al-Anon offers.

praiseHim

Oh, good, me too. I was leery about posting this for fear that I would be blasted, but needed to get this out. Maybe I just dont' understand it enough.

lulu1974

I felt this at times too. For me, I left him and that made the difference. I couldnt do Alanon and be with him. In my f2f mtgs I hear great stories of how woman ( mostly that left their A) apply Alanon and its great. Not sure I can repeat them here but what I learned it..say there is a fight going on outside my home. Back in the day I would have to yell or something. Now I call 911 and go about my day. This helps me. Just my experience.

FarawayFromCars

I, too, would like to chime in...I've tried Alanon, and I feel like I get more support here + from my therapist. That is what works for me. Maybe different things work for different people?


My take on it...is that it teaches us to look beyond the A and his/her problems and to ourselves to see how we might be enabling the behavior and/or making ourselves sick in the process (sick with worry, emotion, depression, physical ailments, etc.). What I've taken from it--AS is responsible for herself, and I am responsible for myself and my reactions to AS and her disease, so if I am having trouble understanding the disease / get emotional about the choices she makes, it is a clue to me to step back and work on myself. For me that means I cannot have a relationship with her right now. Perhaps everyone is different in their take?

Just my two cents!

SoloMio

"The unexamined life is not worth living." --Socrates

Al-Anon does not promise to change your circumstances, but if you do the steps it does promise to change your attitude. Then your behavior changes. Then your life changes.

If you go in with the attitude "life sucks" and you think changing your circumstances is going to change that, you might be disappointed. There are a lot of people whose circumstances change and life still sucks. This is why I've found tools like Al-Anon and Byron Katie's "The Work" to be very helpful. Once you really, really look at yourself, your own motives, your own shortcomings, your own reactions, your own responses, then you can change. Then you can decide what the right response is for you. Then life stops sucking.

Edited to add: Simply stated, it's like church: you only get out of it what you put into it. It's also just a can-opener that you use to pry open yourself--so it's really all about work.

PieRat

I have not had a chance to attend a meeting yet, but I plan on going. I was questioning from different posts I had seen if they teach more of a "tolerance" towards the Alcoholic as well as focusing on yourself, or is there also support in AL-Anon towards getting yourself out of the situation all together if that is where the road leads.

catlovermi

I like to think of it like this: Alanon facilitates you making the best of your choices, not the best choices.

There are populations within Alanon that choose to stay in environments and relationships that others decide not to tolerate.

I do think the outcomes are different.

While Alanon tools can help one maximize one's experience through life, it only works with whatever executive choices you make - and each choice takes one in a certain direction, a certain trajectory. Some pathways result in healthier environments and more freedom and joy than others.

But Alanon does not want to be in the business of telling people what choices to make, only that they HAVE choices, and can improve the milieu of any given choice.

It took me a while to develop tolerance for career Alanon martyrs. They struck me as so tired, and sad, even though they might have been at peace with the choices they had made. But I also met vibrant people who had made different choices after exposure to Alanon tools. Sometimes you see them less in meetings, because they are off living their life, pain free, and not thinking about needing the Alanon tools, at the moment.

CLMI

kelsh

I just hit a wrong button again....guess I wasn't meant to send that post. I have been sober a long time but understand the concept of Alanon. My brother & son are both in bad places health wise & my brother is still drinking.

My son is a quadriplegic at 40 years old from an unsuccessful suicide attempt. My brother is a year younger than I am & has had two heart attacks while attempting to get off meth......... & alcohol on his own with help from a doctor. but it isn't the most important thing in his life like it was for me to quit this last time.

He called me last week drunk & just cried on the phone...so his sober friend talked with me & my brother wants some of his money to buy this motor home from a private party known to his friend. He needs $1,400 down & will pay $250 a month from there.

I sold the family home in 2008 & get $800 a month payments...which I put in my savings account...$400 a month is his but he owes me his share of money that I paid to keep the house from going into foreclosure + half of the lawyer fees to get the house sold & setting up the contract & filing it in court.

I do not send him any of his money unless he asks when he is sober. I know it isn't my responsibility but we each will get a balloon payment in April of next year when the house is paid off. Then I will just send him all he is owed. I don't want to enable him but I have been holding his money so that he won't call & ask for a big amount & kill himself with drugs & alcohol so that is certainly trying to have some control over him but he agreed when we were face to face to sign the contract for the house that this was what he wanted to do since he cannot manage money.

I will be 70 in September & am so glad to have been sober all these years & did get my life on track in a healthy way but I still have depression/anxiety to deal with but am managing okay. First I was managing my son's bills until he had to go into an Adult Family Home that does Special Care & at a later date my brother's money so still feel overwhelmed by the responsibility.

Alanon is a good program for most that go to their meetings. In our little back-water town the men in Alanon were few & far between. More are involved than ever before & more husband & wife teams are in AA too.


kelsh

pear123

I went for close to a year and even had a sponsor. But I stopped 3 weeks ago. I felt that it was teaching me to be someone I wasn't.

You aren't supposed to yell or nag or throw out beer. You aren't supposed to talk to them if they have been drinking. If they are drinking, you leave the house.

I get it, but at the same time. Nowhere else in my life would I let someone crap on me and get away with it. So if I found beer hidden or I knew he lied straight face to me, can't say anything? So if he was drunk, can't say anything. If he is drinking and I have a ton do, can't do anything and just leave my house.

There has been a lot of good, but it was confusing for me.

Freedom1990

I don't know of anywhere in Alanon teachings where it says you must endure intolerable behavior and stay with the alcoholic.

I never learned that in Alanon.

What I learned was how to focus on myself and start making healthier choices.

Those choices included not taking a front row seat to anyone's alcoholism anymore, including my AD.

Yes there are some who 'stay' with the active alcoholic and accept the unacceptable, rationalizing that is Alanon.

That is not Alanon.

Summerpeach

It may all depend on which groups you attend.
I've been in groups where the woman didn't take any cr*p from her addict and didn't really apply any Al Anon rules and her AH came around and became sober because she "nagged". Then I meet women who've been in meetings for 30 yrs who stayed with active addicts and just lived their life. These women share and it shows how sad and hurt they are.
Then I see women who joined Al Anon while being with an active addict and once they got their heads on straight, their A's followed and they live great lives

To me, al anon teaches me how to detach and love myself, but I have also learned that I need to try to understand some god awful behavior which is unacceptable.

I do have to admit, when I sit in these meetind and hear the horror stories, my situation with my RA looks like a walk in the park. So I need not apply much of what I hear, I take what I need a leave the rest.

queenteree

To me, Alanon is about making "me" the best "I" can be. To make choices that would directly affect my quality of life. To allow circumstances and consequences to happen to the alcoholic, and accept responsibility for my own actions and bear the consequences of my own choices. For example, if I chose to stay with my A, then I must own that, accept my part in that, and accept the consequences that go along with that. Alanon puts the focus on me, which is where I like it to be. There are people who chose to stay with their A, and they are not miserable. I, personally, don't think I could. I've been there, done that, didn't work too well. I don't want to deal with all the drama, etc. that goes with living with an active A. It's not worth it to me, for my own sanity, peace and serenity. As for Lois and Bill W, she did live a life of hell with him while he was active, but you gotta remember, once she started Alanon, Bill was already in recovery, and working toward helping others achieve that goal. It's a whole different ball game when living with a recovering alcoholic, who is truly in recovery. In my opinion, I think that could work out successfully.

Freedom1990

An afterthought I had after posting to this...

Back in the late 80's when there was still an Alanon group where I lived, I was taking a lady who had been married to an alkie to some meetings.

At that time, the meeting was pretty much run by a strong personality.

I remember one meeting the subject got off on how to fry fresh fish. Ugh.

The woman with the strong personality was more than happy to give her two cents worth.

It was embarrassing to me.

This is also the same woman who, along with her husband, literally loved her daughter to death whom I have spoken about several times on SR.

They financed two businesses that their AD ran into the ground. They made sure she had a house, car, money, you name it.

They put her through rehab over a dozen times.

What that woman stood for, and the 'message' she carried in Alanon was not Alanon.

laurie6781

At 1 1/2 years sober I married a sober alcoholic. At 3 years sober we were in BIG trouble. No he didn't start drinking, he switched addictions to gambling and all the alcoholic behaviors were there.

On my 3rd AA Anniversary, my sponsor's 'present' to me was to STONGLY suggest that i start attending Alanon immediately. That was 26 years ago today.

Alanon, taught me a lot more about the 12 steps from a different point of view than AA and I was able to 'focus' on me, my actions, my choices, etc and take my eyes off of him. Alanon taught me how to set boundaries and stick with those boundaries. When he broke the boundaries, he was out of the house. Period, no discussion. We did divorce when I was 6 years sober.

Alanon has helped me in so many ways in my WHOLE life. How to deal with neighbors, how to deal with 'not nice' co-workers, rude people, etc

Not once have I ever learned in Alanon to 'tolerate' rude obnoxious behavior from anyone. Alanon helped me immensely to improve my own self worth and to see how valuable a person I was.

J M H O

Yes, I AM A DOUBLE WINNER!!!!!

Love and hugs,

DMC

I think this hit the nail on the head for me.

I was not in a position to leave my A for many years (my career came first, and I worked my tail off to get where I was - I wasn't going to blow it, even if it meant I was never home.) Not to mention, the disease snuck up on us - he was my high school sweetheart, and it certainly didn't run in either of our families. I actually noticed the problematic behaviors far before I connected it to the drinking.

Anyway, I used AlAnon for several of those years - the tools I learned helped me make the best of that crappy situation. However, once things leveled off and I reached "the rest of my life" as I put it, I decided I couldn't put up with it, devised an exit strategy, and am nearly free.

Pelican

Alanon has helped me in other relationships. I have tools to take into relationships with my children, co-workers, neighbors and friends.

This is how my early Alanon experience went:

Went to 1st meeting and came home and told my A that I was leaving him.
Went to 2 more meetings and finally spoke with someone after the meeting.
I expressed my concern over Alanon being for me, since I plan to leave my alcoholic. I was told to try 6 meetings to decide if Alanon was for me. I kept going back.

I needed a place to sit, de-stress and be among people that knew what it was like living with active alcoholism. I still go somedays just to feel the serenity of being in the room for one hour. I still like the sober hugs too!

I take what I need and leave the rest.

MissFixit

Like Pelican wrote, al anon has helped my relationships with other people. With that said, I am no longer staying in negative relationships at all. I keep a distance when I feel bad being around someone. This has included family and long term friends.

I think many of us are so used to being around toxicity that when we perk up and say "I'm not gonna take this anymore" others get annoyed, bothered, angry and agitated.

Learning to accept that we cannot control others has helped me enormously. I no longer try to control or persuede. I just accept people how they are in my life. If they do or say something hurtful, then I can say something to them or exit the situation/relationship. No explanation needed.

When dealing with an A not in recovery, there is no healthy, non-toxic relationship for me to have with them, so I don't have relationships or any kind with A's. I feel a twinge of guilt about this, but it is either taking care of me or them, and after decades of taking care of others, I choose me.

Lastly, this is NOT an easy path to walk. I miss family who I feel are too toxic to engage with. As soon as contact is reached, the unhealthy patterns and feelings emerge and I fall back into my old role. However, I FEEL badly about not being with them. I don't know the answer for others, but for me unless people are healthy, happy and serene, they have no place in my life. Maybe I will change my mind someday, but today I must keep my mental balance and that means no drama or chaos from anyone.

1234

I've heard that meetings are pretty different. Most follow Alanon principles, but some don't and become complaining sessions or something. Rogue meeting.

Anyway, I understand the confusion, because peppered throughout the literature are suggestions for withdrawing from conflict with active alcoholics, like the ones listed above: not pouring out alcohol, not engaging in conflict when they're drinking, not nagging them to quit, etc. I suppose that could be considered an endorsement for staying and "tolerating" an active A.

Then again, each and every meeting I've been to contains the serenity prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Everyone but a child or complete dependent has some way to get away from alcoholism. It may seem impossible or too painful, but it's there. That's the courage part, right? We might not like the choices, but we have choices.

1234

wicked

Yes, absolutely. thank you.