?'s about Alanon-warning, these are brutally honest questions...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I know that we can't change other people, but is putting up with it and working on ourselves to make ourselves better the answer?
Well, working on myself was definitely the answer for me. "Putting up with it" is NOT for me, and was not what I learned, or took, from AlAnon.
AlAnon is, for me, a program. When I work this program I have guidelines for how to take responsibility for my own stuff and how to keep my hands off other people's stuff.
I think many people come into AlAnon thinking that if they detach it sends a message to the A that everything is OK, a message of approval. I know I felt that way at the beginning.
By doing the steps with a sponsor though, and being honest with myself, I came to see that I had that feeling because I was actually still attached to the effect my behavior/my words could have on the A. This was keeping me in a feeling of "putting up with" something that I didn't like.
I worked hard on the steps and eventually moved past that feeling - it was like getting over a hump - to an almost euphoric sense of freedom - serenity I guess - when I truly learned to LIVE what it means to be detached - to let go and let God- to live and let live!
Those slogans may sound corny and trite, but I tell you what, there were absolute ah-ha moments for me when I realized I was actually experiencing the intention of those slogans.
It took time and hard work, really trying to penetrate the program of AlAnon for me to come to that place of serenity...so I think you are asking good questions. In fact I heard those same questions at meetings many times. I'd say keep going, keep working it, keep accepting the truth and reality of YOUR choices in this one precious life! AlAnon really helped me learn how to do that.
peace-
b
Well, working on myself was definitely the answer for me. "Putting up with it" is NOT for me, and was not what I learned, or took, from AlAnon.
AlAnon is, for me, a program. When I work this program I have guidelines for how to take responsibility for my own stuff and how to keep my hands off other people's stuff.
I think many people come into AlAnon thinking that if they detach it sends a message to the A that everything is OK, a message of approval. I know I felt that way at the beginning.
By doing the steps with a sponsor though, and being honest with myself, I came to see that I had that feeling because I was actually still attached to the effect my behavior/my words could have on the A. This was keeping me in a feeling of "putting up with" something that I didn't like.
I worked hard on the steps and eventually moved past that feeling - it was like getting over a hump - to an almost euphoric sense of freedom - serenity I guess - when I truly learned to LIVE what it means to be detached - to let go and let God- to live and let live!
Those slogans may sound corny and trite, but I tell you what, there were absolute ah-ha moments for me when I realized I was actually experiencing the intention of those slogans.
It took time and hard work, really trying to penetrate the program of AlAnon for me to come to that place of serenity...so I think you are asking good questions. In fact I heard those same questions at meetings many times. I'd say keep going, keep working it, keep accepting the truth and reality of YOUR choices in this one precious life! AlAnon really helped me learn how to do that.
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Another thing I wanted to mention is the constant feeling of obligation to others. For most of my life (until last year), I have felt that I had to maintain a relationship with family, friends or anyone who was nice to me for whatever reason. Ideally, this would be true, except that I now realize that just because someone says or does something nice doesn't give me a life long obligation to them if they become hazardous for me.
I read many posts about people who feel they need a person or have to maintain a relationship because of vows. While I understand that in the ideal world this is true, reality is not the ideal world. People lie, cheat, steal and abuse. Allowing someone to behave in any of those ways in my life is unacceptable to me regardless of the nature of the relationship.
Again, it takes a lot of strength to change and leave a toxic relationship. It is scary and the fear of the unknown can be overwhelming.
I have written this before, but had my exA not left me, I would probably be with him now. That is how messed up and deluded I was about love, relationships and commitment.
I read many posts about people who feel they need a person or have to maintain a relationship because of vows. While I understand that in the ideal world this is true, reality is not the ideal world. People lie, cheat, steal and abuse. Allowing someone to behave in any of those ways in my life is unacceptable to me regardless of the nature of the relationship.
Again, it takes a lot of strength to change and leave a toxic relationship. It is scary and the fear of the unknown can be overwhelming.
I have written this before, but had my exA not left me, I would probably be with him now. That is how messed up and deluded I was about love, relationships and commitment.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
from missfixit:I have felt that I had to maintain a relationship with family, friends and anyone who was nice to me for whatever reason.
OMG I can so relate!!!
It takes vigilance but I am glad to know I can free myself from those feelings. I really used to let those kinds of "obligations" bring me down!
peace-
b
OMG I can so relate!!!
It takes vigilance but I am glad to know I can free myself from those feelings. I really used to let those kinds of "obligations" bring me down!
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 97
Me, too. I definitely have a habit of staying in relationships with people sort of on "principle", regardless of my hurt feelings.
I would have hurt feelings, and then sort of convince myself that I was too sensitive, that I could be more empathetic, that I couldn't understand another person's suffering, etc. etc.
Now I'm starting to cut myself some more slack. To be more honest with myself about cost and benefits in my relationships. About my own feelings.
I feel like Alanon (and SR) has let me take a more practical view of things. If I can't detach and be happy, I deserve to protect my feelings. If I feel disrespected, disappointed, or just plain yucky about a relationship, I can take action to minimize contact or just end it. I don't have to berate myself for being unable to detach with love. My feelings matter! Less blame and idealism. More happiness.
ps Bernadette, what you said about getting over the idea that detaching might send a message of approval was right on. I'm still working hard on that one, but I can see some serenity down thataway!
1234
I would have hurt feelings, and then sort of convince myself that I was too sensitive, that I could be more empathetic, that I couldn't understand another person's suffering, etc. etc.
Now I'm starting to cut myself some more slack. To be more honest with myself about cost and benefits in my relationships. About my own feelings.
I feel like Alanon (and SR) has let me take a more practical view of things. If I can't detach and be happy, I deserve to protect my feelings. If I feel disrespected, disappointed, or just plain yucky about a relationship, I can take action to minimize contact or just end it. I don't have to berate myself for being unable to detach with love. My feelings matter! Less blame and idealism. More happiness.
ps Bernadette, what you said about getting over the idea that detaching might send a message of approval was right on. I'm still working hard on that one, but I can see some serenity down thataway!
1234
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
I believe so many of the concepts and mottos that alanon stands behind are written for another day and age. Not today. Women have so many more choices now... (men too). It's no longer disgraceful to be divorced, and alcoholism isn't swept under the rug either.
I found comfort in knowing there were other people suffering with the same problems as I - but beyond that, didn't find any real helpful answers.
Rather, I found more help from the local women's domestic violence center. Domestic violence doesn't just mean physical violence - it comes in many verbal and isolation forms as well. They gave me real options. Real answers.
I found comfort in knowing there were other people suffering with the same problems as I - but beyond that, didn't find any real helpful answers.
Rather, I found more help from the local women's domestic violence center. Domestic violence doesn't just mean physical violence - it comes in many verbal and isolation forms as well. They gave me real options. Real answers.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
How do you go about getting a sponsor?
Afetr a couple months in AlAnon I looked for someone at my meetings who had what I wanted - who had that ease, that serenity that was so far from my internal anxious state! And then I asked if she would be my sponsor and help me work the steps.
peace-
b
Afetr a couple months in AlAnon I looked for someone at my meetings who had what I wanted - who had that ease, that serenity that was so far from my internal anxious state! And then I asked if she would be my sponsor and help me work the steps.
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by e20561 
How do you go about getting a sponsor?
In the first, you can show up a bit early or stay a bit late outside the time of the meeting, and speak informally to other attendees, and mention you are hoping to find a sponsor, and could anyone point you to a person who might facilitate this.
In the second, you can indicate during the meeting that you would like to have a sponsor, and would appreciate assistance in this.
Finding the right sponsor is a process, and it can take some determination and sifting through to settle on the right one. A true sponsor relationship is intense and intimate, if one truly wants to work the steps and change. Sometimes a good approach is to attend several different meetings until you find one that fits you, and then go to that one for a while, and see if anyone there "has what you want" in their life and attitudes; then you can approach them for assistance and see what they say.
CLMI
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