iwantcontrol

Good point - it does seem to work for him, and sometimes it works for me i guess. But i would rather have a BF who i could see in the week if we wanted to without fear that he's drunk. Not sure how i can make it clear it isn't what i want long term, without ending the relationship. I want him to know he cant continue like this but i dont want it to end completley.

suki44883

I want him to know he cant continue like this but i dont want it to end completley.

Like that philosopher, Jagger, once said...You can't always get what you want.

LaTeeDa

That's just it. He CAN continue like this. His life, his choice. You have no control over it whatsoever. The only person you can control is you. So, it's not a matter of whether HE can continue like this, it's a matter of whether YOU can continue like this. If you choose to be with him, this is what you get.

L

Freedom1990

My sponsor told me that sometimes all of our choices suck, and we just have to pick the best one for ourselves.

You keep clinging to the notion that somehow, he's going to 'sort' himself out.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It only gets worse, never better, when left untreated. That's a fact.

Active alcoholics don't just magically sort themselves out. That's a fact.

As his disease progresses, so does yours because you are still enmeshed. That's a fact.

He has the perfect setup. He can drink during the week, and bed down with you on the weekends. That's a fact.

When I finally got serious about my recovery from codependency, and started doing the work, my life got better. That's a fact.

nodaybut2day

Like a previous poster said, he *can* continue like this. Nothing's stopping him really.

However, call me obtuse, but I still don't understand what you are getting out of this relationship? Does the good outweigh the bad?

skope

IWC, I'm in Greater Manchester.

Anvilhead, I don't know how IWC feels about her other half, but as my bf I'd like him to be in control of things we do together... i.e make plans to go here, visit there, have that surprise etc. I have made plans myself and they've got ruined by him. The main thing always being he expects to go for a drink at some point during the day, cos "its the done thing". If it happens next time, I've decided I'll do it anyway. I did that last time, lovely summers day, I wanted to go to the park, he wanted to go to the pub. I went to the park anyway, he seemed shocked I went, but never actually said anything.

dollydo

Got to admit, I am lost in this one...what exactly are you trying to achieve? Why do you consider him a keeper?

justjo

I'll admit it too - Im lost in this post. Why on earth would you want to try and save 'this type' of relationship with someone you have only known for one year??? Save what?? Obviously you are both young, let him go and work it out for himself.
I ask what are you getting from this - "Iwantcontrol" ??

iwantcontrol

To answer the question as to what I get out of the relationship – when things are going well we spend time together, go out and do things and have fun. I get to share my time with someone and we generally get on well. The last weekend (apart from one incident at the start) was great – we had a good time and enjoyed doing things together like a normal couple. When he drinks before seeing me, or spends his days sat around drinking, that is when I have a problem with it and with us, but when we spend a nice normal weekend together and he might have a couple of beers watching the football together, that seems to be fine. We don’t argue about it – although I would rather he didn’t drink anything at all, he isn’t rude or arrogant etc when he drinks a little around me. Its only when he gets drunk before seeing me or talking to me that he can be a horrible person.

I know if he is an alcoholic that he shouldn’t drink at all, but I have come to the conclusion that I don’t understand his ‘alcoholism’ or ‘problem with drinking’ or whatever it is, and I don’t actually need to understand it. I stil have a huge problem in that he continues to drink before seeing me, and I need to enforce clearer boundaries on this, but alcohol is his problem to deal with and not mine. I’m sick of alcohol having such a huge influence in my life, and i don’t want to be continually thinking about it. I am powerless over anyone elses drinking, and he needs to sort it out by himself. He isn’t stupid – he can see what a problem it causes and he doesn’t need me constantly drawing his attention to it. Either he will get thigns sorted or he wont and I can only control my own reaction to that.

I hope I wont let myself be treated badly anymore and I wont keep playing the victim then saviour role any longer. He does have some things starting soon that should help him with his issues, and I hope he works on them. I still think he needs rehab but i get the impression that he’ll never go. It is up to me not to allow myself to be treated badly by him, and I need to stay strong enough to tell him when he is not treating me well and get out of the situation.