Startingover2

The cycle continues.

-Exah hits bottom and swears he is done drinking. Even starts IC counseling. Says that he only cheats or contacts other women when drinking so if that is gone he will be perfect husband. IC told exah to also do whatever I needed to build up trust in him because of everything he has done. We were supposed to start MC together this week. Very excited about the future.

-Loving and sweet. Complete turnaround. I feel hopeful.

-Starts struggling with not drinking. Still doing well with the family thing though.

-Makes an excuse that he needs to have "just a few". His IC says he needs to not be so hard on himself. Quitting drinking is a process. I do believe IC said that but maybe not in that context.

-Lasts 1 week sober.

-Each day that passes he finds 'excuses' to have a few. Each day the 'few' increases a little.

-After a few days he is pretty much back to where he was before. Drinking at 9 a.m., telling me I love you, I love my family, I am on the road to recovery it will just take awhile, his phone comes out constantly and he is like a 12 year old texting all day long. Very defensive if asked.

-I become irritated. He picks a fight with me, saying he is trying and trying but its never good enough, tries to leave, I hide his keys, he calls a friend to pick him up.

-Same evening...starts texting me over and over but I don't respond. Calling, texting for 3 hours.

-Late last night his old girlfriend starts forwarding me texts that he is also sending her.


I have yet to hear from him today. I want to say what I need to say without ranting and raving.

dollydo

Good golly, re-read what you wrote, does this in any way shape or form sound like he is in recovery? Sure doesn't to me.

He is your ex, why not leave it at that. Let him get himself together, then, when and if that ever happens you can think about your relationship with him.

My response to his call today: "Goodbye, don't call me. I am done". Click.

This cycle continues because you allow it to happen. You own this cycle he doesn't.

Do something for you, go to meetings, seek counciling, anything to move forward from him.

suki44883

Sounds like he doesn't want to change. I hope what you have to say is don't come back. In addition to being an alcoholic and not caring about your feelings, he is a cheater. He doesn't cheat because he drinks. He cheats because he is a cheater. Hope you don't fall for the lies.

praiseHim

Yes, doesn't sound like recovery at all to me either. He isn't ready to be serious for the right reasons. I agree with others that the cheating is because he chooses to do that, not because of the drinking. Excuses, excuses. Been there

Jadmack25

Sheesh......If this is him in recovery....I do NOT want to see him as an active alcoholic, liar and cheater.

He is your ex for good reason, and no the booze doesn't force him to be a cheating jerk, he cheats because that is what he wants to do, feels like doing and doesn't give a damn about anyone else....including you.

Let him stay your ex, and tell him to get the H out of your life, because that is what you need to do to have one.
Some men need to be taken to the vet, he sounds as if he qualifies.

God bless

MeHandle

Jadmack25, I like here interpretation of "dog."

Can I ask, what makes you want to keep the door open for such a cheat who is already your ex? Why not let the door hit him in the a$$?

Thumper

This is a gem. I'm going to tuck that one away - maybe put it on my fridge

This is your cycle and you are the only one that can change it.

Re-write it. Take out the parts about him and replace them with 'I' statements and you will know what you need to do to stop the cycle.

Startingover2

I have been holding myself all morning. Feeling actually decent. Feeling strong.

Texts this morning:

Exah: Hows everything?
Me: Fine.
Exah: Still upset?
Me: Wouldn't you be?
Exah: I didn't do anything.
**I then forwarded him all of the texts from the night before from exgf.
Exah: And your point huh?
**I didn't respond.
Exah: Think what you want. Please put all of my stuff in my truck with the keys in it. Thanks.
Me: Already done.
Exah: You are overreacting as usual. Leave my stuff out in my truck.
Me: Resent above text...Already done.

Wow! Ohhhh Im scared. He is taking all of his stuff and leaving. Wow. What a threat.

Learn2Live

Bull$hit. Utter and absolute Bull$hit. Don't you believe this for ONE second. Alcohol does not make you cheat--you are either a cheater or you are not a cheater. I drank ridiculously for years and did not cheat. An a$$hole is an a$$hole drunk or sober.

Learn2Live

Exactly. It is a threat. And the normal rollercoaster ride would be the alcoholic makes the threat, the spouse falls for it, panics, cries, begs, believes him, sees his reasoning, and then takes the alcoholic back. We only wind up taking them back because we can't just let go. And there are A LOT of reasons why we honestly and truly believe we can't let go (I need him, I love him, I can't live without him, we are soulmates, I don't have enough money, deep down he loves me, the kids need him, and on and on).

So, see the cycle, be fearless and see what YOU are doing, then do whatever you need to do to maintain the strength that you have RIGHT NOW. Go to Al-Anon, go out with friends and family, take a class, go to yoga, read the Bible, work on an invention, something, anything. Best not to engage in conversation with the alcoholic, because there are tricks they use to manipulate you and you don't even know it is happening. No Contact is best. The more you practice this, the easier it gets, the more distance you are able to get from him.

And trust me, if he is involved with or has been involved with other women, he is playing the same game with them. It's nothing to do with you; it's just what these people do.

Jazzman

A resounding hell yeah! A cheater is a cheater period. If they'll do it with you they'll do it to you. alcohol has NOTHING to do with cheating.

He's you ex but he's threatening to take his stuff? Why would any of his stuff be at your house anyway?

wicked

i am a recovering alcoholic.
i drank for twenty years.
married twice, once for 8 years, the second time for 12 years.
not once did i cheat. not once.
cheaters cheat. i was married to them.
beth

Kassie2

Dear SO2,

I see how hard to are trying and how much it means to me to see him get sober so you can have a life together.

I agree that it is a process to stopping. One has to practice stopping a lot before it becomes natural. I have seen everyone come up with their own way of stopping.

The cheating isn't really cheating if you are ex's. You are the mother of his child, an ex-wife, an occassional gf, and obviously someone he feels a connection with. But I will agree that you don't have to be drunk to be a cheater nor does one have to cheat when drinking. My husband has never cheated on me. I would work on them as two separate issues.

The question for yourself is to what stands do you want to take with this man or any other man in terms of being treated the way you deserve.

nodaybut2day

Have you changed the locks yet?

Startingover2

I guess I should clarify some...Yes, we are divorced and ex's, but were trying to reconcile. I told him that one of my boundaries was the drinking and IC. He seemed like he was finally understanding how much drinking has ruined his life and wants to stop. We have a 2 year old together and yes I would like to reconcile and do what I can, but obviously the drinking and bad behavior has to stop.

I have hardly spoken to him since the weekend. A few texts here and there about baby and how sorry he is. He had his IC last night which was perfect timing. Not sure how it went other than he let me know it was a great appointment. He asked me to keep my IC appointment tomorrow. I haven't decided yet.

nodaybut2day

I'm sorry sweetie, but his attitude doesn't seem like the attitude of someone who's working to reconcile with an estranged spouse. He may have an understanding of what drinking has done to his life, but I don't really see, just by reading your post, that he's willing to put the effort into actually changing things for the better.

tjp613

SO2 -- Been there, done that and I can tell you that you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery if you allow this degradation to continue. He's playing you like a fiddle!!!! He does just enough to keep you engaged then goes about doing whatever the hell he wants to do. He has learned very well how to manipulate you and you just keep falling into the same hole over and over again.

Get a backbone, hold your head high and move FORWARD with your life. You deserve it, but only YOU can make it happen.

Enough is enough!!

========================================

"Life in 6 Chapters"

I walk down the street...
there is a hole in the street.
I fall into the hole... but I do not know I am in it.
Finally I see the hole and try to get out.
It takes a long time to get out of the hole.

I walk down the same street...
the hole is still there... I see the hole. I fall into the hole again...
but I recognize where I am, and I want to be out of the hole.
It still takes a long time to get out of the hole.

I walk down the same street...the hole is still there...
I see the hole and still I fall into the hole again... it has become familiar...
But I have learned how to get out of the hole and...
Get out of the hole much quicker.

I walk down the same street...
the hole is always going to be there in this street.
I see the hole... and recognize it... and think fondly of it...
but I think I don't want to be in the hole again.
But I walk directly toward the hole and fall in again.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street... the hole hasn't moved...
I like the looks of the hole. Yet I remember I don't want to be in the hole...
I remember the feelings in the hole...I veer away ...
I walk around the hole and continue on my way.

I go for a walk.... I walk down a different street.

- Author unknown