Need Advice - Yesterday!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Need Advice - Yesterday!
I've been trying to write this all week but haven't been able to bring myself to - maybe not coherent enough.
AH got home from detox last Friday and started drinking again (that I know of, it could have been sooner) on Wednesday. He checked himself into a $100 motel room and started pouring the vodka down his throat and calling me to tell me how pitiful he was and how useless blah blah blah and finally, would I come and get him. Since we just have the one vehicle, of course I had to get someone to drive me. Got him home, he passed out. Got up the next morning, went to an AA meeting!, got drunk, came home and passed out. Since then all he has done is drink. I have finally taken the car keys and told him that I would drive him to his AA meeting this morning. He refused, said he would walk the 3 miles each way and left. He came home with a signed sheet from the meeting and - unbeknownst to me - a big stash of vodka. He must have had them stuffed in his jacket. I knew he was drinking but couldn't figure out where he was getting the booze until I reached into my rag bag and found 2 empties and a partial.
He is now passed out in bed and I sure hope he stays that way until morning. He has no insurance but is a vet. The state has been paying for his detoxes, 4 since June, until his paperwork got straightened out with VA. So, I called VA and they have set an appointment for December 10 for him to be assigned a doctor. "But, you see, he is falling down drunk, suicidal now. Is there any chance he could be seen before Dec. 10 because there is a really good chance that he will be dead by then and I will be in a mental institution?" "Sorry." Try another tack. Talk to the head of Mental Health for VA for this region and he approves detox and long term for him at 4:15 this afternoon. Guess what? Where I have to take him closes at 4:30 so now he has to wait until Tuesday because Monday they are closed for Columbus Day so I can spend the next 3 days with him like this. Or - I can take the chance and drive 1 1/2 hours to the VA hospital in Battle Creek on the chance that they might have a bed to detox him but I won't know until I get him there. Picture this - I'm driving 70 miles an hour grabbing his arm and yelling "Charlie, close the car door you can't get out now." Or, "Charlie, you have to get out of my lap because I'm trying to drive."
I have no one to help me get him there and I just don't know how I can do it alone. His sponsor knows he is in trouble but we haven't even heard from him. His brother who lives here in town is in Arizona until Nov. 1 and his son that lives 2 hours away was here last week to help me and isn't interested this week.
When he is awake he is either falling down or pawing at me or trying to climb into my lap like a little kid. I am beyond stressed. WOULD ONE OF YOU PLEASE COME AND GET HIM AND TAKE HIM HOME WITH YOU? YOU ALREADY HAVE A DRUNK, WHAT IS ONE MORE? hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
I have to get out of this mess. I don't know what to do with him. He says he won't got to long term treatment. He actually convinced the treatment assessor last week that he dosn't need it. I can't continue to live like this. My health and my sanity are in jeopardy The only income I have is my social security disability. My house is on the market but I can't sell it until the lien that was placed on my house in error for his child support arrearage is removed. And until the lien is removed and the house is sold I have no money to do anything with or make any changes in living circumstances. I can't leave and let him stay in the house in the condition he is in. The van is in my name since he has been driving on a restricted license. He is now eligible for a regular license so that the title can be put in his name but he has to be sober when he goes to the Secretary of State's Office, right?
So until then, I am just hiding the keys and hoping that he won't get aggressive with me about it.
As you can see, all I can see right now is problems and no solutions. Can anyone look at this objectively and help me out with where to start? Oh, I forgot to mention that he lost his job last week because of drinking. How in the world did I forget to mention that? All thoughts, prayers, suggestions, vacation invitations or winning lotto tickets will be gratefully accepted.
Thanks, Jo
AH got home from detox last Friday and started drinking again (that I know of, it could have been sooner) on Wednesday. He checked himself into a $100 motel room and started pouring the vodka down his throat and calling me to tell me how pitiful he was and how useless blah blah blah and finally, would I come and get him. Since we just have the one vehicle, of course I had to get someone to drive me. Got him home, he passed out. Got up the next morning, went to an AA meeting!, got drunk, came home and passed out. Since then all he has done is drink. I have finally taken the car keys and told him that I would drive him to his AA meeting this morning. He refused, said he would walk the 3 miles each way and left. He came home with a signed sheet from the meeting and - unbeknownst to me - a big stash of vodka. He must have had them stuffed in his jacket. I knew he was drinking but couldn't figure out where he was getting the booze until I reached into my rag bag and found 2 empties and a partial.
He is now passed out in bed and I sure hope he stays that way until morning. He has no insurance but is a vet. The state has been paying for his detoxes, 4 since June, until his paperwork got straightened out with VA. So, I called VA and they have set an appointment for December 10 for him to be assigned a doctor. "But, you see, he is falling down drunk, suicidal now. Is there any chance he could be seen before Dec. 10 because there is a really good chance that he will be dead by then and I will be in a mental institution?" "Sorry." Try another tack. Talk to the head of Mental Health for VA for this region and he approves detox and long term for him at 4:15 this afternoon. Guess what? Where I have to take him closes at 4:30 so now he has to wait until Tuesday because Monday they are closed for Columbus Day so I can spend the next 3 days with him like this. Or - I can take the chance and drive 1 1/2 hours to the VA hospital in Battle Creek on the chance that they might have a bed to detox him but I won't know until I get him there. Picture this - I'm driving 70 miles an hour grabbing his arm and yelling "Charlie, close the car door you can't get out now." Or, "Charlie, you have to get out of my lap because I'm trying to drive."
I have no one to help me get him there and I just don't know how I can do it alone. His sponsor knows he is in trouble but we haven't even heard from him. His brother who lives here in town is in Arizona until Nov. 1 and his son that lives 2 hours away was here last week to help me and isn't interested this week.
When he is awake he is either falling down or pawing at me or trying to climb into my lap like a little kid. I am beyond stressed. WOULD ONE OF YOU PLEASE COME AND GET HIM AND TAKE HIM HOME WITH YOU? YOU ALREADY HAVE A DRUNK, WHAT IS ONE MORE? hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
I have to get out of this mess. I don't know what to do with him. He says he won't got to long term treatment. He actually convinced the treatment assessor last week that he dosn't need it. I can't continue to live like this. My health and my sanity are in jeopardy The only income I have is my social security disability. My house is on the market but I can't sell it until the lien that was placed on my house in error for his child support arrearage is removed. And until the lien is removed and the house is sold I have no money to do anything with or make any changes in living circumstances. I can't leave and let him stay in the house in the condition he is in. The van is in my name since he has been driving on a restricted license. He is now eligible for a regular license so that the title can be put in his name but he has to be sober when he goes to the Secretary of State's Office, right?
So until then, I am just hiding the keys and hoping that he won't get aggressive with me about it.
As you can see, all I can see right now is problems and no solutions. Can anyone look at this objectively and help me out with where to start? Oh, I forgot to mention that he lost his job last week because of drinking. How in the world did I forget to mention that? All thoughts, prayers, suggestions, vacation invitations or winning lotto tickets will be gratefully accepted.
Thanks, Jo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: utah
Posts: 42
Oh Jo.... and I thought I was alone in going through what you are right now. I totally feel your pain. I was there a year ago...no hope, no more patience, no solutions, totally stressed out and about to have a nervous breakdown. Add to that 6 month old twins!! I, too, took my AH to detox at least once a week for a month because we had no family around to help. I thought he would die if I didn't take him. And then it got to the point that I wanted him to go there because I knew I would have one or two days of some peace. At least I could sleep all night. When he was drunk he would wander the house, fall down the stairs, fall out of bed, moan and groan, throw up, etc. He would come home after detox and drink right away and I could never figure out where it came from either. They must have their secret ways! I remember once something fell off the tv back behind it and as I bent over to pick it up there must have been 15 empty bottles of vodka!! I couldn't believe it. It just disgusts me to remember all of that. And then when I was packing up all my things I found TONS of bottles stashed everywhere. Unbelievable. I found peace through going to al anon meetings. I was lucky to find a young girl that was always willing to babysit for a couple hours. My A was almost always in detox
when I went. And then I found this site which I feel was a gift from my hp. These people who don't even know who I am gave me so many words of wisdom that really helped me. One of the biggest things I heard was that I didn't have to make a decision today. When the time was right I would know what to do. Just believing this and letting things go as much as I could I was able to relax and think a little more clearly. And sure enough, the time came when I said, no more, packed up and moved far away. Go to a meeting if you can, get out of the house for awhile, just escape from him for some time. It doesn't matter if you're there with him, he's still going to drink so might as well do something you enjoy. You're in my prayers.... I hope he gets in before Dec for YOUR sake!
when I went. And then I found this site which I feel was a gift from my hp. These people who don't even know who I am gave me so many words of wisdom that really helped me. One of the biggest things I heard was that I didn't have to make a decision today. When the time was right I would know what to do. Just believing this and letting things go as much as I could I was able to relax and think a little more clearly. And sure enough, the time came when I said, no more, packed up and moved far away. Go to a meeting if you can, get out of the house for awhile, just escape from him for some time. It doesn't matter if you're there with him, he's still going to drink so might as well do something you enjoy. You're in my prayers.... I hope he gets in before Dec for YOUR sake!
spirit
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: perth,western australia
Posts: 1,460
jo
not sure that i can help that much however, down here we have after hours emergency psych teams. do they have such a thing there.? could you ring them?
also what about after hours AA they might have an idea.
what would happen if you just rang an ambulance and/or police and said he was suicidal and needed emergency social admission?
sorry i cant help more than that.
take care
kath
also what about after hours AA they might have an idea.
what would happen if you just rang an ambulance and/or police and said he was suicidal and needed emergency social admission?
sorry i cant help more than that.
take care
kath
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 53
My XBob is a veteran's case worker!! He's stopping by in the morning to pick up some of his stuff. He doesn't work for the VA but does work closely with them. If there is anything beyond what I am going to write I will add more tomorrow after I talk to him.
--Most VA hospitals have an ER. Take him there.
--The VA hospital here has a Nurse's Helpline listed in the phone book. Call them, they'll know what to do. Some are staffed 24/7 and some are beeper activated, but they do get back to you.
--I could recommend 302'ing-that's having him committed for 48 hours--not vet related and you could call the police to help you. Here we call the Information Referral Emergency Services to handle 302s by civilians (noncops).
I see a few problems here. You're close to the edge. Nothing you've written about him suggests that he has made any overt suicidal plans, threats, or behaviors.
He doesn't want to change. I wish he did but all the detox in the world won't help him quit.
Your best bet would be to take him to a VA ER and lie about what he has said. If you call to get him committed--LIE. He's too drunk to know that difference. But if you tell them what you've told us, you don't have a case. Say he threatened suicide. Say he held a razor to his wrist. I'm not concerned about perjury--just saving your butt for now.
I think you should think about taking the van and going to a shelter, or a friend's house, someplace to save your sanity for now. If you think he will hurt the HOUSE, then have him removed. If he's going to AA meetings and coming home drunk, then it's not taking.
Hope this gives you a plan of action or at least hope to get through the night. Please don't make 1 1/2 hr trip with a drunk man.
I'll post more suggestions if Bob can add to what I've already suggested. Please post tomorrow so I/we know how you are doing.
--Most VA hospitals have an ER. Take him there.
--The VA hospital here has a Nurse's Helpline listed in the phone book. Call them, they'll know what to do. Some are staffed 24/7 and some are beeper activated, but they do get back to you.
--I could recommend 302'ing-that's having him committed for 48 hours--not vet related and you could call the police to help you. Here we call the Information Referral Emergency Services to handle 302s by civilians (noncops).
I see a few problems here. You're close to the edge. Nothing you've written about him suggests that he has made any overt suicidal plans, threats, or behaviors.
He doesn't want to change. I wish he did but all the detox in the world won't help him quit.
Your best bet would be to take him to a VA ER and lie about what he has said. If you call to get him committed--LIE. He's too drunk to know that difference. But if you tell them what you've told us, you don't have a case. Say he threatened suicide. Say he held a razor to his wrist. I'm not concerned about perjury--just saving your butt for now.
I think you should think about taking the van and going to a shelter, or a friend's house, someplace to save your sanity for now. If you think he will hurt the HOUSE, then have him removed. If he's going to AA meetings and coming home drunk, then it's not taking.
Hope this gives you a plan of action or at least hope to get through the night. Please don't make 1 1/2 hr trip with a drunk man.
I'll post more suggestions if Bob can add to what I've already suggested. Please post tomorrow so I/we know how you are doing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Well, I made it through the night. He was passed out most of the night. Got up this morning and said he was going to walk to his AA meeting, again declined my offer to drive him. Came home about an hour and 1/2 later totally wiped out. He fell down several times, passed out, etc. I called the VA hospital and they had a bed available. My next door neighbor drove us, bless his heart. So that is where he is. As far as being suicidal, he has decided he is going to drink himself to death. It took six hours of travel and waiting but he is in a locked unit now and I am home ALONE. Yeah!!!!!! He did call 5 minutes after I got home to tell me that he doesn't like it there because they don't do anything and he wants me to come back and get him. What a joke. They have given him his meds so hopefully I won't hear any more from him tonight because I don't want to deal with him. Tomorrow I am going to a meeting and find someone I can talk face to face with. Tonight I am going to curl up on the couch with my diet coke, Hershey's kisses and corn pops while watching a couple of good movies with my dog curled up next to me. That might be my idea of heaven. Thanks all for the thoughts and suggestions. It means alot to know that the support is there. I'm going to be like Scarlett O'Hara and deal with this tomorrow!
Hugs, Jo
PS: Today was a beautiful fall day - vibrant colors, blue sky and nice warm weather. It helped to soothe my soul somewhat. No matter what, we need to be able to appreciate the beauty around us. If we can, it makes life just a little easier. Take time to smell the - dead leaves?
Hugs, Jo
PS: Today was a beautiful fall day - vibrant colors, blue sky and nice warm weather. It helped to soothe my soul somewhat. No matter what, we need to be able to appreciate the beauty around us. If we can, it makes life just a little easier. Take time to smell the - dead leaves?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 53
I'm so glad you're doing okay. I did think of you often. Instead of dead leaves (haha) think about total strangers worrying about your welfare. I do and it helps.
Good ole Bob eventually called and came over around 2--so much for 'this morning'. He stank, my one priority was getting him out so I didn't broach your subject. Glad you found him a bed. Better yet for you, glad you found a ride!
Unplug the phone. Immediately, Scarlett!
Good ole Bob eventually called and came over around 2--so much for 'this morning'. He stank, my one priority was getting him out so I didn't broach your subject. Glad you found him a bed. Better yet for you, glad you found a ride!
Unplug the phone. Immediately, Scarlett!
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: exactly where I'm supposed to be
Posts: 6
Jo-
I am sitting here crying because I am feeling pretty much the same way that you explained in your message. My heart goes completely out to you. I'm wondering if all vets (mine is an ex-Navy SEAL) drink like this. He has the same penchant for vodka too. I'm glad they had a bed for him. I never seem to get that lucky. My AH has now decided to quit IOP program downtown G.R. and thinks he can get by on AA meetings. I'm trying to convince him that he needs serious individual psychological counseling, when he is sober enough to understand of course. He did pretty good this week, but, maybe that's because I saw an attorney and he found out about it.
When will they ever be held accountable for their actions and stop dragging us through the mud?
I will continue to pray for you. In the meantime, chocolate, movies and lots of other high trans-fatty foods sound good.
Peace to you,
fotogal
I am sitting here crying because I am feeling pretty much the same way that you explained in your message. My heart goes completely out to you. I'm wondering if all vets (mine is an ex-Navy SEAL) drink like this. He has the same penchant for vodka too. I'm glad they had a bed for him. I never seem to get that lucky. My AH has now decided to quit IOP program downtown G.R. and thinks he can get by on AA meetings. I'm trying to convince him that he needs serious individual psychological counseling, when he is sober enough to understand of course. He did pretty good this week, but, maybe that's because I saw an attorney and he found out about it.
When will they ever be held accountable for their actions and stop dragging us through the mud?
I will continue to pray for you. In the meantime, chocolate, movies and lots of other high trans-fatty foods sound good.
Peace to you,
fotogal
Paused
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
how about not picking him up ever?
He's at the VA now, tell the social worker he's all theirs, you are not coming. And don't go get him ever and change the locks on your house. He can probably get back on his own, somehow, but it should be a pretty clear signal. Got any stuff you can sell to raise some cash? Maybe see a lawyer and get a protection order or something. I know you are scared, but maybe just do it anyway.
Somebody said turn it over to God, and that probably is the best thing. Hard to do.
Thank goodness you have a little bit of peace for a little while.
My husband is a Vietnam Vet and he drinks, too. We never did the VA though. I am going to have to find out about that. It is not so bad a situation as you are in right now.
God Bless.
Somebody said turn it over to God, and that probably is the best thing. Hard to do.
Thank goodness you have a little bit of peace for a little while.
My husband is a Vietnam Vet and he drinks, too. We never did the VA though. I am going to have to find out about that. It is not so bad a situation as you are in right now.
God Bless.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 53
HOLY CRAP! Is it just me or do all our/these damn vets feel 'entitled' because they served their country? 'We don't understand, we weren't there, blah blah blah...'
Do your vets make it seem like their time in the service was their whole life? The greatest thing ever? Bob was in 20 years so I suppose it was his whole life (haha) but sometimes it reminded me of the high school football hero who now sells cars. 'Glory Days' by Bruce Springsteen comes to mind.
Like it was the greatest thing in the world, they'll kill anyone who talks against it, but excuse me, you're using the greatest thing in the world as the reason you drink. It can't have been all that great.
I know some of them saw unspeakable tragedy and horror but there is help available.
If you are eligible for Vet Benefits all detox and rehab are free!! As I mentioned above most cities have veteran's groups that can help.
Bob is a case manager that advises clients. To stay straight.
{Insert ironic laugh here.}
(I didn't say these organizations were run by the most stable people.)
Do your vets make it seem like their time in the service was their whole life? The greatest thing ever? Bob was in 20 years so I suppose it was his whole life (haha) but sometimes it reminded me of the high school football hero who now sells cars. 'Glory Days' by Bruce Springsteen comes to mind.
Like it was the greatest thing in the world, they'll kill anyone who talks against it, but excuse me, you're using the greatest thing in the world as the reason you drink. It can't have been all that great.
I know some of them saw unspeakable tragedy and horror but there is help available.
If you are eligible for Vet Benefits all detox and rehab are free!! As I mentioned above most cities have veteran's groups that can help.
Bob is a case manager that advises clients. To stay straight.
{Insert ironic laugh here.}
(I didn't say these organizations were run by the most stable people.)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Hubby was stationed in Germany in the late 60's so not exactly a real danger zone. Saw no combat. He did learn to drink in the Army and talks fondly of all the "fun" he and his buddies had in the bars.
He quit drinking when he was 27 and stayed clean and sober until he was 45. He lost his job of 20 some years and got a divorce and started drinking again. It has been off and on since then. I have known him for 7 years. He has made alot of bad decisions in his life and they are all coming back to hit him right between the eyes now. He is 58 now, has no retirement, has spent or lost everything he ever made and can't see how life is worth living anymore. He told the doctor at the hospital, when he was drunk, that his plan is to drink himself to death. Right now I guess that sounds better to him than getting his act together and just doing the best he can. When you feel that sorry for yourself, it probably seems like a good option.
Fortunately, I don't feel that way. It is not what I want but if he doesn't get his act together right now then I have to leave. I will move to where my daughter lives. Once I get the lien removed from my house and can sell it, I will be able to make that happen. Until then, it is in my best interest to support him as best I can so that he can continue to work and provide some income so that we don't lose the house. I am not afraid of him, just afraid for him and my health and sanity. He has two jobs with builders that will take him a week to complete starting on Thursday. If, and that is a big if, he can keep himself together and complete them, he says he will enter long term treatment when he is done. There is a VA program here that will let them do a work release after two weeks if they think they are ready. He would return to the treatment center for meetings and therapy every night and then sleep there until he "graduates."
There are alot of ifs and whens in my plan but I guess I have to start somewhere. I can't get him sober or keep him sober but I think it is in my best interest to be as supportive as possible to try and get through the time it will take to get the house sold. If he actually gets straight and stays that way, then who knows but right now I am making plans to just take care of myself.
It is my understanding that they are going to release him on Tuesday so I have a few days of peace and quiet and boy does it feel good! Thanks to all of you for caring. It means so much to me.
Hugs, Jo
He quit drinking when he was 27 and stayed clean and sober until he was 45. He lost his job of 20 some years and got a divorce and started drinking again. It has been off and on since then. I have known him for 7 years. He has made alot of bad decisions in his life and they are all coming back to hit him right between the eyes now. He is 58 now, has no retirement, has spent or lost everything he ever made and can't see how life is worth living anymore. He told the doctor at the hospital, when he was drunk, that his plan is to drink himself to death. Right now I guess that sounds better to him than getting his act together and just doing the best he can. When you feel that sorry for yourself, it probably seems like a good option.
Fortunately, I don't feel that way. It is not what I want but if he doesn't get his act together right now then I have to leave. I will move to where my daughter lives. Once I get the lien removed from my house and can sell it, I will be able to make that happen. Until then, it is in my best interest to support him as best I can so that he can continue to work and provide some income so that we don't lose the house. I am not afraid of him, just afraid for him and my health and sanity. He has two jobs with builders that will take him a week to complete starting on Thursday. If, and that is a big if, he can keep himself together and complete them, he says he will enter long term treatment when he is done. There is a VA program here that will let them do a work release after two weeks if they think they are ready. He would return to the treatment center for meetings and therapy every night and then sleep there until he "graduates."
There are alot of ifs and whens in my plan but I guess I have to start somewhere. I can't get him sober or keep him sober but I think it is in my best interest to be as supportive as possible to try and get through the time it will take to get the house sold. If he actually gets straight and stays that way, then who knows but right now I am making plans to just take care of myself.
It is my understanding that they are going to release him on Tuesday so I have a few days of peace and quiet and boy does it feel good! Thanks to all of you for caring. It means so much to me.
Hugs, Jo
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: outta my mind
Posts: 43
Mine is not a vet. My alcoholic father was in Vietnam though. As far as my A here, I think any reason they can possibly think of is a good justification. I don't understand this thought process at all. Why not just say "I want to drink because I can't deal with anything" Noooooo, it's always "I pay too much child support" "My job sucks" "It doesn't matter anyway, you are mad at me all the time anyway." Different stupid reasons same end result.
The newest excuse and my personal favorite? Now he is drinking because he is "allergic" to my cats. Never mind that he has never been allergic before, he is now. He tells me daily, hourly really that he is going to die from cat dander.
Like the good codie I am, I called the Dr. and got him a prescripton for ZyrtecD, which the doc says is very good for cat dander and pet allergies. Well, now the A (who I should really be referring to as J for jackass) is putting me on a guilt trip.
He wants me to get rid of the cats...it is the only thing that will work in this situation, he insists. At first he asked if the cats could live outside, so in order to compromise I have been keeping them outside during the day and letting them in the kitchen to sleep at night, this is the only room they go in, I have to shut the door. Well now he insists that when he walks through the kitchen in the morning, he gets allergies. Whatever.
So now, because I got the meds, moved the cats outside etc. he tells me "look what you are doing, you are giving an ADDICT pills! You want an ADDICT to take pills?"
Funny thing how he can pick up the addict handle as he sees fit. Here is someone who will insist until he is blue in the face that he is not an addict, although he has been in drug rehab for addiction to methamphetamines and cocaine. But he is not an addict until I find him an allergy medicine so that I can keep my cats.....
Oh lord, it never ends. Sorry to go off like that, but I really like my cats, they are part of my family.
Since he moved back in I have not reacted one time to the drinking. If he goes out, I go to bed in another bedroom because I don't like the smell of alcohol on him, but I haven't yelled, I haven't put him on a guilt trip, nothing. I have been just trying to detach and take care of me.
Now this business with the cats starts. I swear if it isn't one thing it's another. Do you think he could actually miss me bitching about the drinking, so he starts with the cats?
Before he said he drank because I complained about it so much, now that I am not complaining about it, is he now starting this because he knows he has a problem but doesn't want to face it, so therefore he justifies it by this sudden allergy to the cats?
What do i do? Do I just get rid of the cats so he will shut the hell up about it? I am almost to that point now. It is nonstop, every time I talk to him during the day, at night whatever he is whining about how he can't breathe, etc.
Anyone have any words of wisdom for me???
I really don't want to get rid of my cats, how do I make this work other than what I really want to do which is tell him to just stuff it sideways....
Sorry for the long post, I am at the end of the rope here.
Thanks,
Tracy
The newest excuse and my personal favorite? Now he is drinking because he is "allergic" to my cats. Never mind that he has never been allergic before, he is now. He tells me daily, hourly really that he is going to die from cat dander.
Like the good codie I am, I called the Dr. and got him a prescripton for ZyrtecD, which the doc says is very good for cat dander and pet allergies. Well, now the A (who I should really be referring to as J for jackass) is putting me on a guilt trip.
He wants me to get rid of the cats...it is the only thing that will work in this situation, he insists. At first he asked if the cats could live outside, so in order to compromise I have been keeping them outside during the day and letting them in the kitchen to sleep at night, this is the only room they go in, I have to shut the door. Well now he insists that when he walks through the kitchen in the morning, he gets allergies. Whatever.
So now, because I got the meds, moved the cats outside etc. he tells me "look what you are doing, you are giving an ADDICT pills! You want an ADDICT to take pills?"
Funny thing how he can pick up the addict handle as he sees fit. Here is someone who will insist until he is blue in the face that he is not an addict, although he has been in drug rehab for addiction to methamphetamines and cocaine. But he is not an addict until I find him an allergy medicine so that I can keep my cats.....
Oh lord, it never ends. Sorry to go off like that, but I really like my cats, they are part of my family.
Since he moved back in I have not reacted one time to the drinking. If he goes out, I go to bed in another bedroom because I don't like the smell of alcohol on him, but I haven't yelled, I haven't put him on a guilt trip, nothing. I have been just trying to detach and take care of me.
Now this business with the cats starts. I swear if it isn't one thing it's another. Do you think he could actually miss me bitching about the drinking, so he starts with the cats?
Before he said he drank because I complained about it so much, now that I am not complaining about it, is he now starting this because he knows he has a problem but doesn't want to face it, so therefore he justifies it by this sudden allergy to the cats?
What do i do? Do I just get rid of the cats so he will shut the hell up about it? I am almost to that point now. It is nonstop, every time I talk to him during the day, at night whatever he is whining about how he can't breathe, etc.
Anyone have any words of wisdom for me???
I really don't want to get rid of my cats, how do I make this work other than what I really want to do which is tell him to just stuff it sideways....
Sorry for the long post, I am at the end of the rope here.
Thanks,
Tracy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
MsUnderstanding -
Sounds like if you get rid of the cats he would only find something else to complain about. You could be right about when you stopped talking about the drinking he had to find something else for you to get upset about. I think what you do depends on how much you want to keep the guy around. Keep whatever gives you the least trouble and the most pleasure!
Jo
Sounds like if you get rid of the cats he would only find something else to complain about. You could be right about when you stopped talking about the drinking he had to find something else for you to get upset about. I think what you do depends on how much you want to keep the guy around. Keep whatever gives you the least trouble and the most pleasure!
Jo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
jojo--I'm with countrygirl, don't go pick him up when he's done with detox. When my H went last May, he was talking suicide as well and when I called the detox center here in our town they told me I had to take him to ER if he was talking suicide. The guy made me promise I would take him, asked me how long it would take me to get there and then called the ER to make sure I'd done what I said I would. When I dropped him off I waited until he was admitted and in a bed and I told the dr I was not picking him back up so don't bother calling me. And he didn't. Sent him over to detox and from there he found his own way into treatment again.
Whatever you decide, please give yourself a BIG HUG you have been through SO much! I really hope it starts to get a little easier for you...sending you hugs and prayers.
Whatever you decide, please give yourself a BIG HUG you have been through SO much! I really hope it starts to get a little easier for you...sending you hugs and prayers.
Paused
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
Keep the cats, of course. Maybe you could "not react" about that. Whatever he says, just let it blow on through, as best you can.
At least you can depend on a cat to act like a cat.
When mine wants to argue, he will find something. I could not be perfect enough, no one could. I am learning to just let it go on past.
At least you can depend on a cat to act like a cat.
When mine wants to argue, he will find something. I could not be perfect enough, no one could. I am learning to just let it go on past.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Yes Dear. Im so sorry your having so much trouble. The doctor says its probably an alergic reaction to cat dander and alcohol. Why dont you try giving up alcohol for a while. If that doesnt work we'll have to shave the cats.
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