Do you experience some of the same behaviors outside the home?
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Do you experience some of the same behaviors outside the home?
There are some people I have worked with in the past who remind me very much of alcoholics I have personally known and those I've read about here on SR. Mostly what I mean is, there are people I have worked with who treat me horribly (yell or scream or berate me, and worse) one minute, and then try to be all nice and sweet and complimentary the next. These people remind me of the guy who beats the hell out of you Friday night, busts your lip and gives you a black eye, and then goes out and buys you roses the next day.
Does anyone else have this kind of problem with people at work or elsewhere outside of the family? Do you suppose this could mean they ARE alcoholics themselves, but we just are not aware of this fact at work?
I keep getting yoked with this kind of person at work, and I feel the need to get a new job YET AGAIN, and picking up and moving again is really not appealling. But I just have no tolerance for this kind of behavior, regardless of whether or not I know for certain a person is an alcoholic.
Any feedback, insight, or share is appreciated.
Does anyone else have this kind of problem with people at work or elsewhere outside of the family? Do you suppose this could mean they ARE alcoholics themselves, but we just are not aware of this fact at work?
I keep getting yoked with this kind of person at work, and I feel the need to get a new job YET AGAIN, and picking up and moving again is really not appealling. But I just have no tolerance for this kind of behavior, regardless of whether or not I know for certain a person is an alcoholic.
Any feedback, insight, or share is appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Learn2Live,
People are people. Some are just jerks, alcoholic or not. At least, as alcoholics we have the ability to get better. Some folks are just doomed to jackassery for life! LOL
I've had to learn to not allow anyone to treat me with disrespect. They are free to express themselves and their feelings but not in a way that's abusive to me. Some of the phrases I use are: "I'm sorry you're having a bad day. We'll talk more when you're calmer. Excuse me." It's important to stay calm and in control. Remember, it's more about them than it's about you.
Love,
Lenina
People are people. Some are just jerks, alcoholic or not. At least, as alcoholics we have the ability to get better. Some folks are just doomed to jackassery for life! LOL
I've had to learn to not allow anyone to treat me with disrespect. They are free to express themselves and their feelings but not in a way that's abusive to me. Some of the phrases I use are: "I'm sorry you're having a bad day. We'll talk more when you're calmer. Excuse me." It's important to stay calm and in control. Remember, it's more about them than it's about you.
Love,
Lenina
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Hmmm. Not sure.
I think it a bit strange that you are kind of repeatedly getting stuck with these abusive types.
Several years ago, when our business failed, I was on a job search. My husband was getting impatient - one day he said, "ya know Christine, about a zillion people on the planet don't love their job." I said "I'm looking for a company to work for that has integrity." (after being burned twice just prior)
I cold called the company I am now working for, by going out and buying nice stationary and sending a letter and resume. The three partners have heart, and common sense. Upper management is ethical, kind, and has high expectations for behavior. Right under them, are my bosses. Just yesterday my one boss dropped everything to run in to one of the outlets, because I "heard" from a credible source that an employee was stealing from the tip jar. He was terminated and the staff felt cared for. My boss came into my workplace just as my FMLA was running out to tell me that he most cared about me recovering, not about putting in the correct number of hours or worrying about money. So my salary never took a dip, although I worked part time or no time for about 14 weeks. I could give more examples, but you get my point.
I believe it's the trickle-down thing. Good people hire and develop good people in return. Me, I hire people that I feel I can relate well with. It usually works. I am surrounded with staff that fits with my style and personality. If the ones at the top end are "good" and someone comes in who is not, I would think that person wouldn't fit well, might need disciplining, and would not last very long. I would think; I'm not sure, it's just a theory based on my own experiences.
Are you perhaps working for some sub-standard folks in the morals department?
I think it a bit strange that you are kind of repeatedly getting stuck with these abusive types.
Several years ago, when our business failed, I was on a job search. My husband was getting impatient - one day he said, "ya know Christine, about a zillion people on the planet don't love their job." I said "I'm looking for a company to work for that has integrity." (after being burned twice just prior)
I cold called the company I am now working for, by going out and buying nice stationary and sending a letter and resume. The three partners have heart, and common sense. Upper management is ethical, kind, and has high expectations for behavior. Right under them, are my bosses. Just yesterday my one boss dropped everything to run in to one of the outlets, because I "heard" from a credible source that an employee was stealing from the tip jar. He was terminated and the staff felt cared for. My boss came into my workplace just as my FMLA was running out to tell me that he most cared about me recovering, not about putting in the correct number of hours or worrying about money. So my salary never took a dip, although I worked part time or no time for about 14 weeks. I could give more examples, but you get my point.
I believe it's the trickle-down thing. Good people hire and develop good people in return. Me, I hire people that I feel I can relate well with. It usually works. I am surrounded with staff that fits with my style and personality. If the ones at the top end are "good" and someone comes in who is not, I would think that person wouldn't fit well, might need disciplining, and would not last very long. I would think; I'm not sure, it's just a theory based on my own experiences.
Are you perhaps working for some sub-standard folks in the morals department?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My sponsor told me long ago that we live in a dysfunctional world. I've come to believe that.
I've worked with some real dandies (said sarcastically) at more than one job over the years.
There are a lot of unhappy people who think others have a target painted on them. That doesn't necessarily mean they are alcoholics.
My last boss, at the hospital, was the most self-absorbed, dishonest, whiney, manipulative a$$ I've ever worked for in my entire life, seriously. She did need a drink!
I've worked with some real dandies (said sarcastically) at more than one job over the years.
There are a lot of unhappy people who think others have a target painted on them. That doesn't necessarily mean they are alcoholics.
My last boss, at the hospital, was the most self-absorbed, dishonest, whiney, manipulative a$$ I've ever worked for in my entire life, seriously. She did need a drink!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
One thing I have learned is that you do not know what goes on behind closed doors, ie, home.
Many times, the next morning, someone else must bear the brunt of a crappy night B/4. And, many are "A's" or dry drunks.
Quite honestly, everyone has issues, some people can keep their problems at home, some have to take their problems out on others at a neutral enviorment, work.
Me, I just kept everything to myself. When I walked into work, I totally forgot about my home problems...it sure was a blessing for me.
Many times, the next morning, someone else must bear the brunt of a crappy night B/4. And, many are "A's" or dry drunks.
Quite honestly, everyone has issues, some people can keep their problems at home, some have to take their problems out on others at a neutral enviorment, work.
Me, I just kept everything to myself. When I walked into work, I totally forgot about my home problems...it sure was a blessing for me.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thank you all so much. I can see everything you each have said as my truth: I've had plenty of years where there were no such a$$holes I worked with. But recently there have been a few and yes, I wonder if I might be attracting this kind of person into my life. Of course, I'm digging for the lesson in all this but it's not coming to me. I am a quiet kind of person, who is happy and live-and-let-live. The people I have problems with are intrusive, controlling, finger-pointing, LOUD, and negative. I just want to be away from them because I know nothing is going to change. I'm just confused. Thank you again and God bless you all--you are so important to me. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I totally get where you are coming from. I had a moment yesterday morning that sent me into a full fledged rant that is exactly along these lines.
It goes like this....
I cannot stand older men who pull that bravado crap with me and act dismissive and disrespectful to me because of my gender and what they perceive my age to be. Dealing with some gasbag that gets a real chuckle out of a woman doing anything outside the home and without an apron on turns me in a raving b**ch.
A neighbor has a reputation of being an arse like this and when I was caught off gaurd and got stuck in conversation with him for the first time yesterday, I found it's a well-deserved assessment. He did everything he could to try to talk me down and make me feel small. He dismissed everything I said and talked over nearly every word I uttered. We were discussing a price to have his farm hand mow a paddock that's in need of it. He made it clear that the job was beneath the quality of his tractor (puhlease) and I could hardly afford the expense on a houswife's budget. WTF? I had to look around to see who the heck he was talking to. Was June Cleaver standing behind me or somethin'?
It's my detachment and my boundaries that set me free from buttwads like this. I gave the guy as much civility as I could muster, confidently thanked him for considering the job and to let me know if he changed his mind. He started to speak again, but I put my hand up and said I was done chatting and had to go work. I left him standing there in mid bluster with his mouth hanging open. I even tossed him a wave as I drove off.
Now, I'm no expert in this so the 1/2 hour car ride that followed was filled with ranting and raving about all the things I couldn't stand about this schmuck. As I calmed down, I said the serenity prayer and gave it to my HP to handle as clearly my solution was to turn to around and run him over with my car and that was clearly a poor choice.
By the end of the day I get a note from the friend who actually owns said paddock and it turns out the neighbor took it upon himself to drive his tractor over and mow the paddock for free. It's clear to me that he did it just to look like a hero, but the way I see it, I got what I wanted and I got it for free. He'd never admit he was wrong for the way he acted, but I'll take his show of charity as an apology just the same. Ha!
I do think I've come along way. I stew over people like this a lot less. I come away from them confident that it's their dysfunction not mine, and I'm getting quicker at indentifying a solution to getting my needs met and moving on from contact with them as painlessly as poosible.
The recovery process works in so many ways for me. Just because XABF is long gone from my life now, doesn't mean I stop being the best I can be.
You can do this, too ,and dealing with dysfunction can become easier as you go.
Alice
It goes like this....
I cannot stand older men who pull that bravado crap with me and act dismissive and disrespectful to me because of my gender and what they perceive my age to be. Dealing with some gasbag that gets a real chuckle out of a woman doing anything outside the home and without an apron on turns me in a raving b**ch.
A neighbor has a reputation of being an arse like this and when I was caught off gaurd and got stuck in conversation with him for the first time yesterday, I found it's a well-deserved assessment. He did everything he could to try to talk me down and make me feel small. He dismissed everything I said and talked over nearly every word I uttered. We were discussing a price to have his farm hand mow a paddock that's in need of it. He made it clear that the job was beneath the quality of his tractor (puhlease) and I could hardly afford the expense on a houswife's budget. WTF? I had to look around to see who the heck he was talking to. Was June Cleaver standing behind me or somethin'?
It's my detachment and my boundaries that set me free from buttwads like this. I gave the guy as much civility as I could muster, confidently thanked him for considering the job and to let me know if he changed his mind. He started to speak again, but I put my hand up and said I was done chatting and had to go work. I left him standing there in mid bluster with his mouth hanging open. I even tossed him a wave as I drove off.
Now, I'm no expert in this so the 1/2 hour car ride that followed was filled with ranting and raving about all the things I couldn't stand about this schmuck. As I calmed down, I said the serenity prayer and gave it to my HP to handle as clearly my solution was to turn to around and run him over with my car and that was clearly a poor choice.
By the end of the day I get a note from the friend who actually owns said paddock and it turns out the neighbor took it upon himself to drive his tractor over and mow the paddock for free. It's clear to me that he did it just to look like a hero, but the way I see it, I got what I wanted and I got it for free. He'd never admit he was wrong for the way he acted, but I'll take his show of charity as an apology just the same. Ha!
I do think I've come along way. I stew over people like this a lot less. I come away from them confident that it's their dysfunction not mine, and I'm getting quicker at indentifying a solution to getting my needs met and moving on from contact with them as painlessly as poosible.
The recovery process works in so many ways for me. Just because XABF is long gone from my life now, doesn't mean I stop being the best I can be.
You can do this, too ,and dealing with dysfunction can become easier as you go.
Alice
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thanks for the validation Anvil. I have been tossing and turning a bit on this lately.
I don't know for certain but I think my boundaries are OK??? I actually don't allow someone to act like an a$$hole toward me and not say something about it. But I do try to (1) not overreact because yes, I have historically been a little too sensitive during my lifetime, although my skin is getting thickerer and thickerer with each passing decade and with increased financial independence (directly due to my Recovery, my sobriety, and my return to college) and (2) I've developed a motto I do try to live by, which is to expect the best possible motivations in others. At least I do not scream, yell, cry or cuss when I am confronted by this kind of thing, right? Of course, sometimes I scream, yell, cry or cuss once I get home. Which, to tell the truth, is probably better for your health than holding it all in...
This particular person I am having trouble with is too loud at work (rude if you ask me), acts egotistically (expresses hatred toward anyone who seems to be able to compete with her in her job), acts like you are stepping on her toes if you so much as stand in her presence and breathe the same air.
I'm in a field where there is A LOT of work to do, not enough time for managers to be babysitting, especially if the a$$hole is already in a position of authority. But you have an excellent point and I am taking that under advisement. Seems like this is occurring too much at this place for my comfort level. I've experienced this problem at work to this magnitude only one other time in my life, but twice where I am now. I may need to move jobs....
I always look at MYSELF first, to a FAULT. I tend to blame me, or my disability, WAY too much and let people walk over me and be abusive, while I get more and more stressed out and my health starts to be affected. I almost feel like I need to run away and hide in a cave sometimes. I'm lucky, though, to have some co-workers who validate me in that they share that they feel the same way. I guess I will have to wait and see but I know I cannot wait too long because honestly, my nerves are SHOT. I actually have visions of one of these bully-type persons being shot through the head with a crossbow, "THWUP!" (No worries, I'm NOT the one doing any shooting, I just get to witness that, and them falling to the floor with a heavy thud). Dontcha' think that when you start imagining this kind of thing, it is time to move on?
Thanks. I needed that.
Made me laugh too.
I know exactly what you mean about not being a recluse but loving home as the place to go and recharge. It took me so long to realize that was my serenity too
I am with ya' there sister. That is part of the reason I feel like packin' up my desk yet again and movin' on out. I just have no tolerance or patience for it anymore. I put up with this $hit too long and I am just too old for people's bad behavior.
But I still seem to second guess myself or something. "Is it me? What's wrong with me? Are my perceptions wrong? BooHooHoo." Maybe it is that I am still blaming myself for things that have always been out of my control (old ACOA habits?) Oh, I don't know.
Honestly, I FEEL like telling those people to just go EFF themselves, but I don't. Not advisable when they are your boss, or they might potentially become your boss in the future. (I do it under my breath. Not sure if that makes me feel better or not.)
I don't know for certain but I think my boundaries are OK??? I actually don't allow someone to act like an a$$hole toward me and not say something about it. But I do try to (1) not overreact because yes, I have historically been a little too sensitive during my lifetime, although my skin is getting thickerer and thickerer with each passing decade and with increased financial independence (directly due to my Recovery, my sobriety, and my return to college) and (2) I've developed a motto I do try to live by, which is to expect the best possible motivations in others. At least I do not scream, yell, cry or cuss when I am confronted by this kind of thing, right? Of course, sometimes I scream, yell, cry or cuss once I get home. Which, to tell the truth, is probably better for your health than holding it all in...
This particular person I am having trouble with is too loud at work (rude if you ask me), acts egotistically (expresses hatred toward anyone who seems to be able to compete with her in her job), acts like you are stepping on her toes if you so much as stand in her presence and breathe the same air.
I'm in a field where there is A LOT of work to do, not enough time for managers to be babysitting, especially if the a$$hole is already in a position of authority. But you have an excellent point and I am taking that under advisement. Seems like this is occurring too much at this place for my comfort level. I've experienced this problem at work to this magnitude only one other time in my life, but twice where I am now. I may need to move jobs....
I always look at MYSELF first, to a FAULT. I tend to blame me, or my disability, WAY too much and let people walk over me and be abusive, while I get more and more stressed out and my health starts to be affected. I almost feel like I need to run away and hide in a cave sometimes. I'm lucky, though, to have some co-workers who validate me in that they share that they feel the same way. I guess I will have to wait and see but I know I cannot wait too long because honestly, my nerves are SHOT. I actually have visions of one of these bully-type persons being shot through the head with a crossbow, "THWUP!" (No worries, I'm NOT the one doing any shooting, I just get to witness that, and them falling to the floor with a heavy thud). Dontcha' think that when you start imagining this kind of thing, it is time to move on?
truth be told, i "hate" most people....there's a lot of jerkwads out there.
Made me laugh too.
I know exactly what you mean about not being a recluse but loving home as the place to go and recharge. It took me so long to realize that was my serenity too
i don't waste a whole lot of time trying to psychoanalyze others.......whatever their problems are i REALLY don't wanna get any ON me.
But I still seem to second guess myself or something. "Is it me? What's wrong with me? Are my perceptions wrong? BooHooHoo." Maybe it is that I am still blaming myself for things that have always been out of my control (old ACOA habits?) Oh, I don't know.
Honestly, I FEEL like telling those people to just go EFF themselves, but I don't. Not advisable when they are your boss, or they might potentially become your boss in the future. (I do it under my breath. Not sure if that makes me feel better or not.)
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
gawd, speaking of ZEN WRECKERS.... don't want neighbor conflict. we do our best to just ignore them. they so nasty ... trying to shake it off... other side ... never complained. ... soooo frustrating....thing is they won't hesitate to call the cops. i suppose i could call the feds ... it's all about control. but we have to co-exist..... urggghhhh. did i mention i hate people???????
There are just some people who you cannot co-exist with. Someone's gotta' give in. Or run like hell.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Ya' know, Lenina and all you guys'es responses got me thinking...how it seems to me that people who actually find recovery from all this crap really are more well-rounded and BETTER people IMO than people in general. I think if more people would think about and work on themselves the way we do, the world would be a better, more peaceful life. Those people at work think they are Right, think they are Justified, think they are Above or better than, and would not step down and admit someone else might actually be entitled to peace and respect.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Does M. Scott Peck say why that might be so? Maybe it would be so because people who go to psychotherapy are stronger people somehow?
I actually thought about it last night a little more and probably "better" was not the right word. Because I don't look at anyone as "less than" me, or me as "better" than anyone else; I see everyone as equal. So I hope I didn't offend anyone saying that. If I did, I apologize.
I actually thought about it last night a little more and probably "better" was not the right word. Because I don't look at anyone as "less than" me, or me as "better" than anyone else; I see everyone as equal. So I hope I didn't offend anyone saying that. If I did, I apologize.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Have a loudmouth, Mr Know-it-all chauvanist maintenaince mancomes to my pensioner complex, and I swear if he smiles at me and calls me "little Lady" just once more.....I will be anything but a Lady.
He left my bathroom with a hole on the wall, and was coming back to fix it....after 2 weeks of no see him, I got the gear and fixed the thing for myself, along with putting up a couple of shelves, and rehanging the back gate so it can latch and lock properly.
I haven't said a word yet, as I wait for him to come and do these small things, but I swear if he does the usual "me macho man, you silly woman" act to me, he will regret it to the day he dies.......which may be sooner than he expects.
God bless
He left my bathroom with a hole on the wall, and was coming back to fix it....after 2 weeks of no see him, I got the gear and fixed the thing for myself, along with putting up a couple of shelves, and rehanging the back gate so it can latch and lock properly.
I haven't said a word yet, as I wait for him to come and do these small things, but I swear if he does the usual "me macho man, you silly woman" act to me, he will regret it to the day he dies.......which may be sooner than he expects.
God bless
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