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-   -   AH hates this as much as I do.... (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/202404-ah-hates-much-i-do.html)

FreeingMyself 06-04-2010 03:23 PM

AH hates this as much as I do....
 
I think we have both been holding on to this for various reasons......but it has become clear he doesn't want to be here. I tried to have a conversation w/ him about his working or looking for a job, to him I was being degrading or offension (which I assure you I was calm and just asking questions). He blew up. During this blow up he stated, "There is a reason I choke the sh** out of you that one time.......you pi$$ me off that bad" This utterly shocked me and made me believe he actually believes he was justified in his actions. I asked him how he could justify it and he said he wasn't saying it was right etc. Then he looked at my daughter and gave her a kiss and said if anyone ever treats you the way I treat your mommy I'll kill them.......REALLY...what the heck...how do I have no value??????????? He yells in angry circles that make NO sense. THen tries to talk "semantics" about what is said etc...it is all so crazy to the point he says he didn't say something he just said??? Reading this again after I type it, and I can't believe his words...ANYWAY... So...presently he is gone, packed all his clothes computers and left.
I didn't cry or become upset, I looked at him and asked him why I would want to live with a husband who things all of this is ok... so now it just is what it is. I guess I am frustrated because now I feel rejected..how is that cause there really is nothing between us, possibly being codependant and wanting to be in control. Also he still has that uncanny ability to make me out to be the degrading one, the mean one....and then I start to analyze myself like maybe he's right. Maybe just another sign of how insane it has gotten. I'm trying to sort out my part in all of this, and what I need to do to get better....this is all so confusing, and hurts me that I don't think my children will have an intact home ~ but maybe I'll save them from this example, and they won't go through it later...right??

hello-kitty 06-04-2010 03:32 PM

Do you have anywhere you can go before he come back? You are an adult so I understand that you can choose to stay for whatever reason you want. But your poor daughter having to witness that. I feel so bad for your children.

How sad to think that the children have a high possibility of growing up and repeating the cycle of abusive/victim because the adults were unable/unwilling to change.

JessicaNAJ 06-04-2010 03:41 PM

(((()))) I'm sorry you and your kids have to go through this :(

Sounds like he is attempting to justify his actions to take the responsiblity of his actions off of his shoulders and put it on yours. It's not over.....I can promise you that.

Don't argue with him. Walk away. He will continue to blame you for everything he's done wrong and if you don't already, you will feel guilty and subconsciously you will try to fix it. WALK AWAY when he does that! Here's a trick I did...when my exAH would do that to me (yell and blame me for things he did), instead of listening to him, I'd imagine he was saying BLAH BLAH BLAH. It took some practice, but eventually I didn't hear a word he said unless it made sense. Eventually, that guilt I felt was gone.

Thumper 06-04-2010 04:39 PM

I can feel the confusion in your post. Make that man stay gone. Even if you don't think or feel like you want to make a permenant decision regarding that make him stay gone long enough for you to gain some clarity in your thoughts. It will make so much difference.

I experience a lot of that confusion and I didn't have to deal with half of what you have. It is so hard but it begins to clear if you demand some space in your life.

Be strong in this moment. Your life depends on it. :hug:

suki44883 06-04-2010 04:45 PM

One of these days, instead of threatening to punch you in the face, he's going to do it. That's a guarantee. Please, change the locks and do NOT let him back inside your home.

coffeedrinker 06-04-2010 04:55 PM


Originally Posted by mentallyexh (Post 2616206)
this is all so confusing, and hurts me that I don't think my children will have an intact home...

they already don't.

i understand hanging on and not only hoping, but really thinking things will change. it's called delusional thinking, and "ours" is just as dellusional as "theirs" is.

there is a reason he picked you to be with him. something inside an abuser senses a vulnerable partner and the charm get turned on, and you're sucked in. you care and are loving and nurturing, but he senses these qualities as weakness.

this will not change.

what anvil said!
and quickly. you never know when mr. is gonna show back up

dollydo 06-04-2010 04:58 PM

He's gone, for now, that is good. Now, change the locks, if he threatens you in any way, call the police and file a restraining order against him.

If you let him back in he will physically hurt you, mark my words, it will happen. Why? Because once you let him back in, he has the power, he knows you are weak, it is a mental game that will turn physical.

My father always said "Be like a fighter in a ring, fight fair, but, protect yourself at all times".

Protect yourself and your daughter, this guy is not to be trusted.

DMC 06-04-2010 05:04 PM

Space away from the chaos will bring great clarity... and once you've stepped away, stay away! Be strong! You don't need him.

gerryP 06-04-2010 06:06 PM

Did he pack all his underpants?

If not, throw the remainder out on the front lawn. That should give him the message.

MeHandle 06-04-2010 06:33 PM


Originally Posted by mentallyexh (Post 2616206)
Then he looked at my daughter and gave her a kiss and said if anyone ever treats you the way I treat your mommy I'll kill them...

When he looks from the outside in, to your relationship, he objectively sees it for what it is. When he thinks of his daughter being treated by another man the way he treats you.......... he knows. This is his admittance.

Why are you focusing on the 'dance' with him instead of the truth he revealed outside of the 'dance?' When he is not dancing with you he admits a dancer like him would be a very bad partner.

As I read your quote of his statement I hoped you would receive the freedom and release that came with such a revelation. Instead, you added it into the 'dance.'

tchappy 06-04-2010 06:48 PM

I just have to say I hope you find the strength to change the locks and not let him back in...that is a decision you have to make but it really is the best one.

Take a break from him and I can bet you will realize in that break that you deserve better, so do your children. I know it is a hard step to take when you are in the middle of the chaos but it is well worth the step! It is the hardest part but it is the one thing that will bring you peace and happiness.

Jadmack25 06-04-2010 06:57 PM

Quote: (( I don't think my children will have an intact home. ))

You are correct Honey, while this total jerk is allowed to parade around as king of the house, and trample all over you....your kids will NEVER live a normal home life, only that of being overwhelmed by a lazy, drunk, brain fried, ranting idiot and learning that mum means TARGET.

He has grabbed his gear and gone, so please take advantage of this gift and blessing from your HP.
Get those locks changed, go for legal advice and help, and keep this vicious and very dangerous person away from you and your family.

When this is done....let him know you are finished and if he tries to enter the home you will defend yourself and your children however necessary.....if this means police so be it.
You will bring charges against him for the violence he has done you, and for the threat of more of the same in future.

This may be the only chance you have to end this nightmare, before his manic behavior causes real physical harm to you, or the whole family. Maybe he won't hurt those children, yeah maybe it is just you......so what happens to the kids if you are in hospital or even worse, dead?
Being separated, and shunted into foster homes is not "intact family life".

You have lots to consider, and little time to do so.....I pray you will do it now and do it for your safety and future happiness.

God bless

Thumper 06-04-2010 09:17 PM


Originally Posted by mentallyexh (Post 2616206)
and hurts me that I don't think my children will have an intact home ~ but maybe I'll save them from this example, and they won't go through it later...right??


I keep coming back to this thread. This part struck me because it kept me stuck in the same spot for a very very long time. Someone made a comment that stuck with me.

There is one thing that is worse then coming from a broken home.... and that is living inside one.

You and your children are in my thoughts tonight.

tjp613 06-04-2010 09:54 PM

Mxah - Nobody should be telling you what to do. This is your life and you can make good decisions all on your own. I agree, however, that taking this time and space right now to get your head clear is essential for making the best decisions you can. I agree that you should do whatever you need to do to get that serenity if only for a few weeks. Then, whatever you decide, you will feel confident in it.

I understand all those feelings you're having... all of them. I was in an abusive relationship much like yours and honestly, after awhile you become someone you don't recognize anymore. I think that's where you are right now. But when you take firm steps to protect your boundaries YOU WILL FIND STRENGTH, day by day.

We're here for ya. Please keep your phone with you at all times and call 911 if you feel the least bit threatened or spooked. This is a very dangerous time.

Do you have the number for the national or your local community abuse hotline? If so, give them a call after the kids are asleep...ok?

freefalling 06-04-2010 11:33 PM

He will be back. Acoholics and abusers are dependent people.Even if they just need us to dance the dance of alcoholic/codependent.

Use this time to play the tape through. Play it through till where your children are grownups and ask you where the healthy role models were (like my children are doing with me now)

You have the power (although you are traumatised now) to be/become a healthy role model. Even if you do not feel like that right now - just WANT to be the best role model you can be. Want it badly and trust your HP. He will support you and the children.

Hugs and lots of love from me

Bolina 06-05-2010 12:25 AM

He doesn't hate it as much as you - he is teaching you what happens when you step out of line and criticize his god given right (in his eyes) to have a woman cater for his family's every need and for him not contribute materially, physically or emotionally.

When he comes back, which he will, he might decide to go back to trying to teach you that lesson with his fists.

Please look on-line or in the White Pages for a local women's aid service and speak to them for advice.

Tiredofdrugs 06-05-2010 01:11 AM

Many years ago! I had a good friend tell me; "When you get your gut full of it? You'll get out"! And yes. My gut was full of it. And I got out.

Have you reached that point? Hasn't your children seen enough? His threat to whoop your little girls abuser one day, just might be his reference to what's going to happen to you soon. Like when he comes home again. Do you want him to possibly be a single parent raising your children? These are things to think about. How many times has he been drunk or drinking with you and/or the kids in the car while he's driving?

He's opened the door for your freedom by leaving. Take full advantage of it.

isurvived 06-05-2010 05:26 AM

this is your chance. Take it.

queenteree 06-05-2010 05:46 AM

((((mentallyex)))) When my RAH left me in Sept, I felt just like you. I felt rejected. I would cry for nights, saying to my son (who is my Godsend) that "how could he do this to me?" You see, for a few years now, I took him back after rehabs, for him to relapse shortly afterward. I kept saying "I should have been the one to leave, and now he leaves me????"
Just think of it this way ... this is your chance. Your HP did for you what you could not do for yourself. It took me about 2 - 3 weeks to really get over the fact that mine left me. I pulled myself together, paid our bills, did what I had to do, attended Alanon and counseling, and really got a good perspective on the dynamics of our relationship. I gained so much clarity during the time he was gone. I did take him back after his stint in jail (yep, he knew how to take care of himself so well that he got 3 dwi's in a week lol) based on his promises of working a good, strong recovery program (which if you read my recent post, he has not followed thru on this month). In any event, please take this time for you. You deserve so much better and especially in light of the violence issue. You will get past this, and you will be thankful for this miracle. Trust me, I have been there, and those months without him were the absolute best months of my life, especially for my own personal growth. I am a different person now, I love me and value me so much more now. Hang in there, it will all be ok


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