New to the forum and dealing with an alcoholic wife
A Pirate looks at 40
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
Posts: 264
New to the forum and dealing with an alcoholic wife
Hi all,
Just found this site. I plan on scouring it over with a fine tooth comb and taking in all the info I can from here. I am at my witts end.
I am dealing with a person who was a closet alcoholic for a long time. I cannot control how this person wants to live or should I say destroy their life, but I do need to learn how I deal with this. I really do not want to have to end the relationship, but it is looking more and more like that will be the only option I will have. I have a 2 year old little boy to protect and keep out of harms way.
This person needs to make a decision in their life, and soon. They need to get help, and be the parent our son needs them to be, or risk loosing it all for the sake of drinking.
Anyway I look forward to mixing it up here with you folks and learning from others, and who knows, maybe even offering any help I might be able to as well.
PieRat
Just found this site. I plan on scouring it over with a fine tooth comb and taking in all the info I can from here. I am at my witts end.
I am dealing with a person who was a closet alcoholic for a long time. I cannot control how this person wants to live or should I say destroy their life, but I do need to learn how I deal with this. I really do not want to have to end the relationship, but it is looking more and more like that will be the only option I will have. I have a 2 year old little boy to protect and keep out of harms way.
This person needs to make a decision in their life, and soon. They need to get help, and be the parent our son needs them to be, or risk loosing it all for the sake of drinking.
Anyway I look forward to mixing it up here with you folks and learning from others, and who knows, maybe even offering any help I might be able to as well.
PieRat
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
First of all, welcome to SR! I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but am glad you found us.
The fact that you realize you can't control what she does with her life is a huge step in moving forward with your life.
Educate yourself as much as possible on alcoholism. There are several 'sticky' topics at the top of this forum that are good reading.
Check into Alanon meetings in your area. They are a great source of support for those of us who have been affected by a loved one's alcoholism. I was married to an alcoholic/addict, and I have a 32 year old AD. Alanon has been a lifesaver for me.
Get your hands on a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I still have it on hand for reference after 10 years.
Last, give that little boy of yours a hug for me. I have twin stepgrandsons who will turn 2 in September.
The fact that you realize you can't control what she does with her life is a huge step in moving forward with your life.
Educate yourself as much as possible on alcoholism. There are several 'sticky' topics at the top of this forum that are good reading.
Check into Alanon meetings in your area. They are a great source of support for those of us who have been affected by a loved one's alcoholism. I was married to an alcoholic/addict, and I have a 32 year old AD. Alanon has been a lifesaver for me.
Get your hands on a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I still have it on hand for reference after 10 years.
Last, give that little boy of yours a hug for me. I have twin stepgrandsons who will turn 2 in September.
A Pirate looks at 40
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
Posts: 264
Thanks for the reply!
I am writing the name of the book down as well as "alanon". Is that AA?
I will google it.
Bah! It says you cannot PM till you have 5 posts....Was going to ask you since I am not familiar with terms or abbreviations used on this forum yet. When you said you had a 32 year old AD. Is that to mean a Alcoholic Dependant?
Sorry I do not mean to pry, just am confused.
I am writing the name of the book down as well as "alanon". Is that AA?
I will google it.
Bah! It says you cannot PM till you have 5 posts....Was going to ask you since I am not familiar with terms or abbreviations used on this forum yet. When you said you had a 32 year old AD. Is that to mean a Alcoholic Dependant?
Sorry I do not mean to pry, just am confused.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Alanon is a 12 step program for loved ones of alcoholics. It's been a wonderful resource to help me heal from having a daughter active in alcoholism, and to heal the wounds from being married to one a long time ago.
I came into Alanon via the back door of AA. I had been around AA for 13 years when I finally hit my codependent bottom and knew I needed more than just AA.
You can get used copies of that book pretty cheap at Amazon.
PS. AD = alcoholic/addict daughter
I came into Alanon via the back door of AA. I had been around AA for 13 years when I finally hit my codependent bottom and knew I needed more than just AA.
You can get used copies of that book pretty cheap at Amazon.
PS. AD = alcoholic/addict daughter
Climbing hills, flying down...
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
Hi PR,
Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of understanding and support on this site. I think it is important that you are realizing that you cannot control, or "fix" your wife or her addiction. That's the sad reality--we are powerless over their choices. What we can control is ourselves, our reactions, our decisions. And it sounds like you have a lot of love for and concern about your 2 year old son and his exposure to his mother's illness.
Keep posting and know that you are not alone here!
Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of understanding and support on this site. I think it is important that you are realizing that you cannot control, or "fix" your wife or her addiction. That's the sad reality--we are powerless over their choices. What we can control is ourselves, our reactions, our decisions. And it sounds like you have a lot of love for and concern about your 2 year old son and his exposure to his mother's illness.
Keep posting and know that you are not alone here!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Just an FYI on acronyms:
AD = alcoholic daughter
AS = alcoholic son, or sister
AH = alcoholic husband
AW = alcoholic wife
RAH = recovering alcoholic husband
RAW = recovering alcoholic wife
ABF = alcoholic boyfriend
EXAH = ex alcoholic husband (divorced)
Getting the jist of it?
AD = alcoholic daughter
AS = alcoholic son, or sister
AH = alcoholic husband
AW = alcoholic wife
RAH = recovering alcoholic husband
RAW = recovering alcoholic wife
ABF = alcoholic boyfriend
EXAH = ex alcoholic husband (divorced)
Getting the jist of it?
A Pirate looks at 40
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
Posts: 264
Originally Posted by FarawayFromCars 
Hi PR,
Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of understanding and support on this site. I think it is important that you are realizing that you cannot control, or "fix" your wife or her addiction. That's the sad reality--we are powerless over their choices. What we can control is ourselves, our reactions, our decisions. And it sounds like you have a lot of love for and concern about your 2 year old son and his exposure to his mother's illness.
Keep posting and know that you are not alone here!
Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of understanding and support on this site. I think it is important that you are realizing that you cannot control, or "fix" your wife or her addiction. That's the sad reality--we are powerless over their choices. What we can control is ourselves, our reactions, our decisions. And it sounds like you have a lot of love for and concern about your 2 year old son and his exposure to his mother's illness.
Keep posting and know that you are not alone here!
lol.
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
Just an FYI on acronyms:
AD = alcoholic daughter
AS = alcoholic son, or sister
AH = alcoholic husband
AW = alcoholic wife
RAH = recovering alcoholic husband
RAW = recovering alcoholic wife
ABF = alcoholic boyfriend
EXAH = ex alcoholic husband (divorced)
Getting the jist of it?
AD = alcoholic daughter
AS = alcoholic son, or sister
AH = alcoholic husband
AW = alcoholic wife
RAH = recovering alcoholic husband
RAW = recovering alcoholic wife
ABF = alcoholic boyfriend
EXAH = ex alcoholic husband (divorced)
Getting the jist of it?
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
You may be convinced of what your AW needs to do, her perception of that is likely very different.
The only thing you can be 100% sure of, is what you need to do.
Do you have a plan? Are you ready and willing to do what needs to be done to safeguard your son?
And welcome to SR
The only thing you can be 100% sure of, is what you need to do.
Do you have a plan? Are you ready and willing to do what needs to be done to safeguard your son?
And welcome to SR
A Pirate looks at 40
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
Posts: 264
Originally Posted by Still Waters
You may be convinced of what your AW needs to do, her perception of that is likely very different.
The only thing you can be 100% sure of, is what you need to do.
Do you have a plan? Are you ready and willing to do what needs to be done to safeguard your son?
And welcome to SR
The only thing you can be 100% sure of, is what you need to do.
Do you have a plan? Are you ready and willing to do what needs to be done to safeguard your son?
And welcome to SR
Climbing hills, flying down...
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
PieRat,
You have a wonderful sense of humor (sushi). Keep that going; a sense of humor can be an excellent coping mechanism when times are tough. AS for me is Alcoholic Sister.
Hugs to you!
You have a wonderful sense of humor (sushi). Keep that going; a sense of humor can be an excellent coping mechanism when times are tough. AS for me is Alcoholic Sister.
Hugs to you!
A Pirate looks at 40
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
Posts: 264
Originally Posted by FarawayFromCars
PieRat,
You have a wonderful sense of humor (sushi). Keep that going; a sense of humor can be an excellent coping mechanism when times are tough. AS for me is Alcoholic Sister.
Hugs to you!
You have a wonderful sense of humor (sushi). Keep that going; a sense of humor can be an excellent coping mechanism when times are tough. AS for me is Alcoholic Sister.
Hugs to you!
Oh yeah I have to look at everything in life with humour. Life is way too short, and it is not worth it to let negative emotions rule my world.
Now if I can just figure out why my signature isn't showing up...I swear I got it under the correct file size, etc... Is there a certain post limit I need to meet? If so I will post <cough spam cough> a lot more. /just kidding.
EDIT: Nevermind it just showed up. lol
A Pirate looks at 40
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
Posts: 264
Originally Posted by praiseHim
Welcome. Sounds like you are on the right track to getting help and support.
Originally Posted by anvilhead
Pie Rat - Pirate! OMG i get it! usually this takes me about 2 years average!!!! i'm so impressed with myself! LOL nothing to do with cherries or key lime....
Well actually...you could also twist it around so it has something to do with at least the key lime as that is sorta part of the theme in an odd sort of way.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
LOL, you're awesome PieRat! I just have to say I burst out laughing when you said, "so AW is not rootbeer, and RAW is not sushi"!!
Thank you for the laughs! That aside, I hope your situation turns around for you and your little boy. I wish there was more I could say to offer advice, but I suck at this kind of thing!
However, you have a great approach to life! I hope I can adopt some of those skills!!
Thank you for the laughs! That aside, I hope your situation turns around for you and your little boy. I wish there was more I could say to offer advice, but I suck at this kind of thing!
However, you have a great approach to life! I hope I can adopt some of those skills!!
A Pirate looks at 40
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
Posts: 264
Originally Posted by Still Waters
PieRat,
When you say your wife is a closet drinker, do you mean that she doesn't drink in front of people at all?
When you say your wife is a closet drinker, do you mean that she doesn't drink in front of people at all?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
I am the alcoholic wife in our family...
Hi PieRat,
It took me a long time to see the forest through the trees but I eventually did and when I decided to sober up just for myself & no one else...it worked.
My original problem was Major Depression with anger & anxiety back in my teen years when they really didn't know quite how to treat depression but did give me plenty of "PILLS". This continued on into my first marriage but when I discovered I could have some fun when drinking I gave up my pills so I could drink which wasn't an addictive problem in the beginning.
Needless to say, I have learned a whole lot over the years & know I was a very needy person when I wanted to quit drinking. I could quit for up to a year & then somehow picked up that first drink again & again until the last "slip" ended after 14 more years of drinking.
The more my husband told me what to do about my drinking, the more I drank. He drank with me but did not drink like I did....to self-medicate my depression & life events that were unbearable at the time.
My second husband was a heavy drinker but recognized it as a problem so he was the Retired Army Boss Man & controlled when & where we would drink. By then I was working full time so didn't seem to drink as often or as much.
When I divorced him it was under very difficult circumstances & he was court ordered out of the family home & my controled drinking turned into nightly drinking at home after work. I had one of my five children still home & she was soon 7 after this all happened.
I eventually moved closer to where my other kids were living. I sold the house & moved after school was out that year. My husband spent jail time & four years in sexual offender group therapy so wasn't allowed to see our girl until he completed the group.
This is too long a story to keep going but in four years I was asking for help. I had moved into my own place with my daughter but saw my first husband on weekends. I concentrated on my sobriety "only" & counseling for my depression at the same time for the first year. The second year of my sobriety I went back to college & got a BA Degree in Psychology & started a new career when I was 50 years old.
My first husband & I are retired & we did remarry again. He was more willing to support my staying sober & depression & quit drinking himself before I went back to him. We both were scared of a committment after we both had another failed marriage.
My involvement with AA & the many friends I made & the right medication for my Chronic Depression gave me a chance to achieve my goals...I just had to be willing to do what it took for ME to want to stay sober more than anything else in my life & it worked for me now for 21 years.
kelsh
It took me a long time to see the forest through the trees but I eventually did and when I decided to sober up just for myself & no one else...it worked.
My original problem was Major Depression with anger & anxiety back in my teen years when they really didn't know quite how to treat depression but did give me plenty of "PILLS". This continued on into my first marriage but when I discovered I could have some fun when drinking I gave up my pills so I could drink which wasn't an addictive problem in the beginning.
Needless to say, I have learned a whole lot over the years & know I was a very needy person when I wanted to quit drinking. I could quit for up to a year & then somehow picked up that first drink again & again until the last "slip" ended after 14 more years of drinking.
The more my husband told me what to do about my drinking, the more I drank. He drank with me but did not drink like I did....to self-medicate my depression & life events that were unbearable at the time.
My second husband was a heavy drinker but recognized it as a problem so he was the Retired Army Boss Man & controlled when & where we would drink. By then I was working full time so didn't seem to drink as often or as much.
When I divorced him it was under very difficult circumstances & he was court ordered out of the family home & my controled drinking turned into nightly drinking at home after work. I had one of my five children still home & she was soon 7 after this all happened.
I eventually moved closer to where my other kids were living. I sold the house & moved after school was out that year. My husband spent jail time & four years in sexual offender group therapy so wasn't allowed to see our girl until he completed the group.
This is too long a story to keep going but in four years I was asking for help. I had moved into my own place with my daughter but saw my first husband on weekends. I concentrated on my sobriety "only" & counseling for my depression at the same time for the first year. The second year of my sobriety I went back to college & got a BA Degree in Psychology & started a new career when I was 50 years old.
My first husband & I are retired & we did remarry again. He was more willing to support my staying sober & depression & quit drinking himself before I went back to him. We both were scared of a committment after we both had another failed marriage.
My involvement with AA & the many friends I made & the right medication for my Chronic Depression gave me a chance to achieve my goals...I just had to be willing to do what it took for ME to want to stay sober more than anything else in my life & it worked for me now for 21 years.
kelsh
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I have a 2 year old little boy to protect and keep out of harms way.
And as long as you keep that foremost in your mind you will know what is the right thing to do.
AlAnon really helped me get my head on straight when it comes to my A brothers, I definitely recommend it.
Glad you're here-
peace-
b
And as long as you keep that foremost in your mind you will know what is the right thing to do.
AlAnon really helped me get my head on straight when it comes to my A brothers, I definitely recommend it.
Glad you're here-
peace-
b
A Pirate looks at 40
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
Posts: 264
Originally Posted by kelsh
The second year of my sobriety I went back to college & got a BA Degree in Psychology & started a new career when I was 50 years old.
My first husband & I are retired & we did remarry again. He was more willing to support my staying sober & depression & quit drinking himself before I went back to him. We both were scared of a committment after we both had another failed marriage.
My involvement with AA & the many friends I made & the right medication for my Chronic Depression gave me a chance to achieve my goals...I just had to be willing to do what it took for ME to want to stay sober more than anything else in my life & it worked for me now for 21 years.
kelsh
My first husband & I are retired & we did remarry again. He was more willing to support my staying sober & depression & quit drinking himself before I went back to him. We both were scared of a committment after we both had another failed marriage.
My involvement with AA & the many friends I made & the right medication for my Chronic Depression gave me a chance to achieve my goals...I just had to be willing to do what it took for ME to want to stay sober more than anything else in my life & it worked for me now for 21 years.
kelsh
Originally Posted by Bernadette
I have a 2 year old little boy to protect and keep out of harms way.
And as long as you keep that foremost in your mind you will know what is the right thing to do.
AlAnon really helped me get my head on straight when it comes to my A brothers, I definitely recommend it.
Glad you're here-
peace-
b
And as long as you keep that foremost in your mind you will know what is the right thing to do.
AlAnon really helped me get my head on straight when it comes to my A brothers, I definitely recommend it.
Glad you're here-
peace-
b
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
Sounds like my AH is like your wife, although he was an A in his early 20's but got sober. Then without my knowledge he began as you say closet drinking, but never and still does not drink in front of me or our kids. I have confronted him once, but all i got was i will stop, unfortunately not knowing if he has or not because he does it secretly, but recently i have found the bottles again, what does one do?
Your son is lucky to have a good D like you. Keep well
Your son is lucky to have a good D like you. Keep well
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