JessicaNAJ

I have been a member of SoberRecovery since 2004. The first few years I had so many ups and downs. I'd feel strong, then I'd get weak. I'd feel sad and then I'd feel like celebrating. Up and down I was addicted to this ride.

My ex and I seperated in 2005 were divorced in 2007. It took me a really long time to decide the big D was what I wanted. But that didn't stop me...I wasn't ready to get off the ride yet!

Then he left for Florida to get away from some charges he was facing. I crawled into a shell. Held it together long enough to go to work everyday, but came home a cried and cried. Came out of my room just long enough to feed my kids and let my daughter have a little bit of play time outside. WEEKS went by before I started to pull myself together. I didn't know where he was or if he was ok. I had no control over the situation and it was tearing me apart! I was finally getting some acceptance that there was just nothing I could do...then he called! I reacted as if I hit the lottery! OMG I was so happy and so relieved to hear his voice. (I now recognize that I wasn't upset about him leaving, I was lost b/c I had no control). I was still on the ride.

He ended up being extradicted back to face his charges..another victory for me! Now he was closer. I was relieved, I felt lifted and I was convinced I was moving on and that what was going on with him wasn't affecting me. I prepaid to accept collect calls...he had no one else to call and his kids were here, right? Made total sense to me. Besides, the kids missed him (that's how I justified it). This was about my ex and the kids...had nothing to do with me and nothing at all to do with control...I'm over the control thing. I was very convincing to myself.....I was still on the ride.

I don't know where my turning point was, but one day I realized that I was feeling as sorry for myself as I was for my ex. I heard myself repeating the same things over and over again...trying to get everyone around me to be as sympathetic for him as I was (something I never would have admitted or even noticed before). Every single conversation out of my mouth was about my ex and "what he did now". I was realizing that I wasn't enjoying my kids, I wasn't enjoying my life (thought I was, but I was only fooling myself) i was too focused on him and quite frankly, I wasn't enjoying this ride anymore and I was ready to get off.

Baby steps is what it took. I decided I was going to make a conscience effort to not talk about him with every conversation I had. I had to really try hard to find other things to talk about, surely there was more to my life than him. Then slowly...very slowly....the blinds were being pulled away from my eyes and it was getting easier to talk about other things I enjoyed... suntanning, shopping, gardening, my son's music and skateboarding, my daughters sweet personality, her dancing, and cheerleading, and how the room just lights up when she walks into it, being able to ask someone how their weekend was and being able to listen to them without going into "I can relate to that b/c my ex did this...". I started seeing that I have NO control over ANYTHING he chooses to do and that the more I tried, the more I got caught up in this "drama". OMG its so clear to me now!

Three years ago someone here had said to me that they learned to love from a distance. I thought that's what I was doing. I REALLY REALLY DID. BOY was I wrong. All that time, his actions were STILL affecting me.

I finally understand now what it means to love from a distance. I can sit back and be his friend now. His actions do not affect me unless I allow them to. I can say no and mean it and not feel bad about it. I can be happy for him and be sad for him, and those feelings do not affect ME unless I let them. Those feelings will not alter any decisions I make...for the decisions I make are mine and cannot be manipulated by anyone unless I allow them to be.

I can know he's at the bar and it's ok! I can know he's drinking himself stupid and that's ok. I can know that today he is sober because he's out of money or just too tired drink and that's ok! He has his own life life to live, its not mine to live for him. I'm not going to "stalk him" to try to stop him from drinking or try to convince him that there is a better way of handling something or that what he did decide was wrong. I mean seriously, who am I to say what he does is wrong? Just because it's not something I would do, doesn't mean its something he shouldn't do. Who am I to say he makes irresponsible decisions? I am not his judge! It might just be the decision his HP has planned for him to make. Why should I interfer with that? And I am not going to pick up the pieces for him so he doesn't have face the the full consequences of his actions either. This is his life to live, not mine. I have enough on my plate....why add more to it? His HP has a plan for him and my HP has a plan for me. Trying to take control of everything, talking myself stupid over and over again....that just asking to go for another ride.

I can love him from a distance....I can let him be who he is. But most importantly, I can spend my thoughts and my time where it really counts....on me and my kids.

TakingCharge999

Kassie2

I really liked reading what you shared. It was so honest and open and very much a process of finding your balance between love and fear. Finding yourself, the things you love and putting distance between you and the things that bring fear into your life.

I strongly feel that whatever I went through with my husband, that it didn't start that way and wasn't always bad. I recall tender moments and thoughtful times when he was there for me. I learned that he has a serious problem and see how hard it is for him to face it and overcome it daily.

I suffered emotionally while trying to control him and the situation (disguised as helping) and only really could relax when I let go realized that I could love someone but I didn't have to be their target. It is as simple as my daughter's innocent question at a very young age -"Mommy, is it ok to still love someone when they do bad things because I still feel love for Daddy and think I shouldn't" - my reply was, " We don't stop loving someone - we love them and dislike what they do and sometimes we have to protect ourselves from them until it is safe."

FormerDoormat

Hello there, Little Angel. I always had a fondness for you and I'm thrilled to see you're doing fine. I am, too!

JessicaNAJ

FD! it is soo good to see you!! and I'm very glad to hear you are doing good!

As you know, healing is a day to day process. But I am at peace for the most part and LOVE it!

I hear myself making amends to all of my "wrongs" which is how I know I'm on the right path. Heck, I even apologize to my kids and their friends when I know I'm wrong.

I pray almost on a daily basis that God will help me stay on the right path. Someone here gave me this prayer that I say almost every night....Lord, show me how to do your will and give me the strength to do it LOVE THAT!!

Anyway, It's good to see you I'm far from being perfect, but I'm getting closer!

I hope to catch up with you someday You are always sooo full of strenght and wisdom.

coffeedrinker

Thank you for a powerful post. It is exactly what many of us here need to hear. (maybe a time or two...or hundred)