redcrow

Question:

What is the best way to support a recovering alcoholic who you've been romantically involved with but are now just friends? It's been a bit of a rollecoaster, but I'm up for the challenge of being there somehow. Not willing to just throw my heart back out there... but would be willing to be a good friend.

Thank you!

theuncertainty

Hello, redcrow, and welcome to SR.

Recovery is a very personal process. Most times, there is nothing that friends or relatives can do to help. While my AH has not had a drink in a couple months, he doesn't want help and still won't admit to having a problem, so I'm not some one who can offer advise about supporting a recovering A. I'm sure others will be along shortly with more support.

I personally would really recommend attending Al-Anon, if you're not already, in addition to reading and posting here at SR. They both offer great support for you and a wealth of information.

Welcome.

nodaybut2day

IMHO, I'd be a good friend by stepping back and hoping the recovering A has a sponsor to support him. The previous involvement you have shared may muddy the waters and throw off his recovery, no matter how much you're trying to help.

hello-kitty

My dearest friend told me "I love you but I don't like how you are living your life and I won't you destroy yourself. I hope you'll call me when you get your life back on track. But until then, it's better we don't talk anymore."

I had to learn I couldn't have it both ways. I couldn't have one foot in the real world with normal people, and one foot in the world of an addict. It was all or nothing.

I will always be greatful to that friend. Always.

I will also always be greatful to my brother who said "Katie, you are a smart girl. You'll figure this out. You just need to pull your head out of your ass."

qazqaz

Good friends... This is where I would like to be with an old friend, but am still involved (although it hasn't been long). I wonder how you managed to reach that point? I suspect that when I suggest just being good friends with my recovering alcoholic he will point out that he can't bear to see me as just a friend; that my not being his gf because of his alcoholism would serve as a constant reminder of his demons etc. This is where I suspect I have to break his heart and hope he uses the space to focus on recovery.

I am up for being there, but it does worry me that as Hello-Kitty says / maybe my recovering alcoholic has a point; maybe I shouldn't be so stubborn in saying that I will always be there and let him do it on his own. I guess my thought process is that he has a heart of gold and deserves to make it, but I'd like to know if he's struggling so I could get my magic wand out and nudge him back on track. But I've learned it doesn't work quite like that; the effort has to come from him, not me.

Am interested to see what other replies you get about how to be the good friend, although I guess being exactly that helps; keeping in touch; involving them with regular activities to keep them positive.

HealingWillCome

Welcome, redcrow. Here is a link to a sticky that helped me to understand what the A must do for him/herself even when we, the loved one, want to be involved.

Get out of God's way! Stop enabling the ones you love!

Are you "now just friends" with the underlying hope of being reunited once you've helped the X on the road to recovery? If so, please be careful and don't be afraid to ask a lot of questions of the wise people who are here on this forum. I was in your shoes at one time with my XABF and was drawn back in to the romantic relationship after he convinced us both that he was on his way to recovery. I was naive, he went back to active addiction, I had my heart broken, and I am still recovering.

If you are truly detached from the romantic relationship and don't see yourself there ever again, there is still a great deal that can be learned from the people here. You are in the right place!

redcrow

Well, Leise, actually number one for me is God... Everything happens for a reason, right? This person and I share a common weekly activity. He did all the pursuing and then realized being involved romantically was affecting his head. I'm actually not qualified to help anyone who is a recovering alcoholic, but I am a Christian, and I have been called to love. Since we had our final discussion on where we stand as friends, I have not moved. Haven't really been able to look at him at our weekly activity, as I am confused about my feelings-- kinda hurt. We didn't hang out for long-- a month or so-- but I notice I seem to attract the hurt type. I'm a healer, so they say, and I really just want to be me. I don't know what to do but to do nothing. Pray for the person. Be kind. Smile. I'm trying to make this less about me... feeling sad that he's not talking to me at all... and more about understanding he's got a lot to figure out and work on. Does that help answer your questions?

Freedom1990

The whole 'was once romantically involved, but now just friends' thing never ever did work for me or the other person.

Grab yourself a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I attracted the hurt types too, and thought I was a healer of sorts.

Janitw

Let Go and Let God do his work. Love this person from a distance. He needs to see real strength and for you it needs to be the strength to stay away for awhile.

redcrow

Thank you, Janitw. That is exactly what I am seeking the grace to do. I know this person only through our short time together and our shared activity. A little background on me: I have survived child sexual abuse, a serious health condition and an eating disorder. God gave me the strength and grace to overcome all of those things. I usually feel this huge pull to try to intervene, see if everyone is ok, etc. in relationships instead of checking on myself and giving myself space. I will see this person again tomorrow, and my goal for myself is to force a smile and some calm kindness and just to continue being silent. Prayer is the most powerful thing I have right now. I'm trying not to hang onto the idea that he'll come back like he said he [I]might[I] once he's gotten his head back on straight.