How to handle "necessary contact" with XAH
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day 
legally, I cannot deny him access to DD. I also do not want him in my home so it means contending with occasional visits that will be difficult both for me and DD, because he has a "legal right" to see her. I hate it, but that's how it is.
K, Obviously I'm getting a little bit defensive and frustrated, because all along, during the entire process of separation and obtaining custody, I've bent over backwards to do what's best for DD all the while respecting what laws, however stupid, are in place in the province, and there doesn't seem to be any sort of awareness or recognition of the fine line I've had to tread these past 8 months.
K, Obviously I'm getting a little bit defensive and frustrated, because all along, during the entire process of separation and obtaining custody, I've bent over backwards to do what's best for DD all the while respecting what laws, however stupid, are in place in the province, and there doesn't seem to be any sort of awareness or recognition of the fine line I've had to tread these past 8 months.
I'm only just now getting ready to take the first step towards navigating the legal system, but I admire the hard work you've put in and hope I can be as strong.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Obviously I'm getting a little bit defensive and frustrated,
Please don't think I'm harping on you. I just hate what this situation has done to my child and I'd like to be able to help other children avoid the trauma my five year old is going through if possible.
But you know, I need to come to realize that I can't save the world by my experience. And my experience isn't everyones.
Sometimes I get overly passionate about it I guess.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by hello-kitty
I think you are doing a great job. Amazing actually. And you are an inspiration.
Please don't think I'm harping on you. I just hate what this situation has done to my child and I'd like to be able to help other children avoid the trauma my five year old is going through if possible.
But you know, I need to come to realize that I can't save the world by my experience. And my experience isn't everyones.
Sometimes I get overly passionate about it I guess.
Please don't think I'm harping on you. I just hate what this situation has done to my child and I'd like to be able to help other children avoid the trauma my five year old is going through if possible.
But you know, I need to come to realize that I can't save the world by my experience. And my experience isn't everyones.
Sometimes I get overly passionate about it I guess.
Thank you for the response to my
of frustration. It means a lot.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
oh dear
As I predicted, a minor war is in progress. XAH called me, texted me and emailed me today to give me his new address.
"Did you get my text? my new address is XXXX".
My response:
"Yes I did get your text. Thank you for the information.
I will be accompanying DD for this visit, as I'd like to help her adapt to your new environment. She was really comfortable with visits at the other apartment, and I imagine it'll take a bit of time to get used to your new place. If I feel she's doing ok, I'll take off and come pick her up later.
I'll be by on Sunday at the usual time.
Also, can you please ensure that you change her during the visit? Last week-end, her diaper was so soaked that her pants were covered in pee, and she had a rash on her bum for 2 days afterwards. Thank you."
His response:
"Last weekend you didn't provide me with diapers.
I see no reason why you need to oversee her visit. Your request implies that you spent the full day with her when you switched her daycare. You obviously didn't.
Your lies throughout this entire issue from start to finish in an effort to take my daughter from me have defined you as my enemy. My enemies are not welcome in my home.
You can either drop her off out front as you have always done or not.
I don't believe it is in anybodys interest (including DD's) to allow you to extort me to your will using your own daughter for leverage."
Can someone please tell me if this is adequate as a response?
"This is non-negotiable.
When DD attended XYZ daycare, I spent many hours there with her over the course of several weeks to ease the transition. When she switched daycares, I took several half days off and spent time with her there to ensure that she felt comfortable, and that I got to know the staff adequately. Once I was satisfied, I left her in their care. The same applies in this situation; I will not send her to a new place without some measure of adaptation and care.
This measure has nothing at all to do "extorting you to my will" and everything to do with the care and safety of DD.
As for the diapers, I specifically asked you whether or not you had any left--which you obviously had since there was one inside her lunch bag when she returned to me, but you neglected to change her."
Ugh.
"Did you get my text? my new address is XXXX".
My response:
"Yes I did get your text. Thank you for the information.
I will be accompanying DD for this visit, as I'd like to help her adapt to your new environment. She was really comfortable with visits at the other apartment, and I imagine it'll take a bit of time to get used to your new place. If I feel she's doing ok, I'll take off and come pick her up later.
I'll be by on Sunday at the usual time.
Also, can you please ensure that you change her during the visit? Last week-end, her diaper was so soaked that her pants were covered in pee, and she had a rash on her bum for 2 days afterwards. Thank you."
His response:
"Last weekend you didn't provide me with diapers.
I see no reason why you need to oversee her visit. Your request implies that you spent the full day with her when you switched her daycare. You obviously didn't.
Your lies throughout this entire issue from start to finish in an effort to take my daughter from me have defined you as my enemy. My enemies are not welcome in my home.
You can either drop her off out front as you have always done or not.
I don't believe it is in anybodys interest (including DD's) to allow you to extort me to your will using your own daughter for leverage."
Can someone please tell me if this is adequate as a response?
"This is non-negotiable.
When DD attended XYZ daycare, I spent many hours there with her over the course of several weeks to ease the transition. When she switched daycares, I took several half days off and spent time with her there to ensure that she felt comfortable, and that I got to know the staff adequately. Once I was satisfied, I left her in their care. The same applies in this situation; I will not send her to a new place without some measure of adaptation and care.
This measure has nothing at all to do "extorting you to my will" and everything to do with the care and safety of DD.
As for the diapers, I specifically asked you whether or not you had any left--which you obviously had since there was one inside her lunch bag when she returned to me, but you neglected to change her."
Ugh.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Noday, I can't really offer advice. Your proposed text response sounds good and reasonable to me, but I'm constantly bewildered by my AH's view of conversations. 
But, then, maybe having a record of the full text conversation will be good if you need to head back to revisit the visitation thing.... ? I don't know....
But, OMG, I completely heard my AH's voice in my head when I read you're XAH's response; I actually kind of flinched and looked towards my door to see if he was standing there. It matches completely the attitude AH got first when I tried to set a schedule up and then this past Tuesday, when he dropped son back off 10 minutes late and told him he'd see him 'tomorrow,' without even bothering to check with me first - and I'd told him we already had plans set. His bitterness, complaints and whining were all about AH and NOT about what's best for our son....
But, then, maybe having a record of the full text conversation will be good if you need to head back to revisit the visitation thing.... ? I don't know....But, OMG, I completely heard my AH's voice in my head when I read you're XAH's response; I actually kind of flinched and looked towards my door to see if he was standing there. It matches completely the attitude AH got first when I tried to set a schedule up and then this past Tuesday, when he dropped son back off 10 minutes late and told him he'd see him 'tomorrow,' without even bothering to check with me first - and I'd told him we already had plans set. His bitterness, complaints and whining were all about AH and NOT about what's best for our son....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Theuncertainty...XAH is ALL about what's fair and right FOR HIM, and what HE is owed by the world at large. My response probably insulted his poor fragile (and surprisingly LARGE) ego.
Ok, this is what I responded. Can I duck for cover now?
"Regarding the diapers:
Though it is not my responsibility to provide you with anything, I do so as a preventative measure, for DD's sake only. Last week-end, I specifically asked you whether or not you had any left--which you obviously had since there was one inside her lunch bag when she returned to me, but you still neglected to change her.
Regarding the visit:
When DD attended XYZ Daycare, I spent many hours there with her over the course of several weeks to ease the transition. When she switched daycares, I took half days off and spent time with her there to ensure that she felt comfortable and that I got to know the staff adequately. Once I was satisfied, I left her in their care. The same applies in this situation; I will not send her to a new place without some measure of adaptation and care.
This has nothing to do "extorting you to my will" and everything to do with the care and safety of DD. And it is also non-negotiable.
Let me know when you are willing to compromise."
Ok, this is what I responded. Can I duck for cover now?
"Regarding the diapers:
Though it is not my responsibility to provide you with anything, I do so as a preventative measure, for DD's sake only. Last week-end, I specifically asked you whether or not you had any left--which you obviously had since there was one inside her lunch bag when she returned to me, but you still neglected to change her.
Regarding the visit:
When DD attended XYZ Daycare, I spent many hours there with her over the course of several weeks to ease the transition. When she switched daycares, I took half days off and spent time with her there to ensure that she felt comfortable and that I got to know the staff adequately. Once I was satisfied, I left her in their care. The same applies in this situation; I will not send her to a new place without some measure of adaptation and care.
This has nothing to do "extorting you to my will" and everything to do with the care and safety of DD. And it is also non-negotiable.
Let me know when you are willing to compromise."
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Noday-yeesh. Your AH sounds like a carbon copy of stbxah. His response to your initial text shows how truly delusional he is. The garbage about you being the enemy-really, AH has said the same thing to me.
My older DS said something to me once that made it perfectly clear he already was getting an idea what his Dad is--Mom, I love Dad but I get confused because I don't like him because he is not nice to me.
When stuck with the legal ramifications of NOT letting the losers see their children (when it is convenient for them)-there are not many choices. In court I swear the judge thought I was the big bad meany because I expected the moron to stop drinking and drugging, be a father and get off his a** and get a job. Sometimes I feel like I am living in the Twilight Zone (for those of you old enough to remember that show!)
Ignore any of his backlashing-it is just quacking.
My older DS said something to me once that made it perfectly clear he already was getting an idea what his Dad is--Mom, I love Dad but I get confused because I don't like him because he is not nice to me.
When stuck with the legal ramifications of NOT letting the losers see their children (when it is convenient for them)-there are not many choices. In court I swear the judge thought I was the big bad meany because I expected the moron to stop drinking and drugging, be a father and get off his a** and get a job. Sometimes I feel like I am living in the Twilight Zone (for those of you old enough to remember that show!)
Ignore any of his backlashing-it is just quacking.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Tell him that DD will come when he understands how to correctly care for her.
Till then he can get some idea what it felt like for her in a wet diaper, by peeing his pants and wearing them for a day......preferably over his outsized head.
The man is a dead beat, over the top, egotistical moron and deserves nothing, least of all to have a lovely, innocent child taken for a visit. This is now up to you to decide because Mr Gutless didn't front up in court, so tell him if he wants to have input, he will have to apply to a court for it.
With luck he may just disappear up his rear orifice.
(Time for me to head off for confession.....mea culpa)
God bless
Till then he can get some idea what it felt like for her in a wet diaper, by peeing his pants and wearing them for a day......preferably over his outsized head.
The man is a dead beat, over the top, egotistical moron and deserves nothing, least of all to have a lovely, innocent child taken for a visit. This is now up to you to decide because Mr Gutless didn't front up in court, so tell him if he wants to have input, he will have to apply to a court for it.
With luck he may just disappear up his rear orifice.
(Time for me to head off for confession.....mea culpa)
God bless
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
I wouldn't risk the safety of my children if I were you. Forget it this weekend, unplug your phone. Then ask the court to establish a supervised visitation (they will accommodate you on that - I did it with my XH). Tell the judge or court official why you feel it is needed. That way you have the law behind you, and he'll be in more hot water if he violates the terms... and can't blame you. It also gets you off the hook for having to be the "police".
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Yeah, noday....he's just quacking. Your response was very good...especially the last bit. You are doing a good job just stating the facts and staying firm with your boundary. That's really all you can do. Just keep your cool and that will keep him off balance. He's very likely to spew all manner of crap at you --just stand firm. He doesn't know this "new you" very well, does he? 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
My week-end began with XAH's final response to my request for compromise.
"There has never been an ounce of comprimise from you, only lying to get exactly what you want.
Now you are leading this to a place where DD has no father.
The answer is no. You can decide which you feel is more important. Your insecurities or DD having a father, but remember that DD will also one day be told all this and she will decide as well."
I don't know what this means in the long run--or if it means he's slinking away for good...I figure I don't need to respond (and I won't be doing any visitation unless i get to supervise once or twice AND unless he comes to pick her up) or do anything until I receive a call from him or his lawyer. Aaaah now nice.
Thanks for all your continuing support. I really appreciated it this last few days.
"There has never been an ounce of comprimise from you, only lying to get exactly what you want.
Now you are leading this to a place where DD has no father.
The answer is no. You can decide which you feel is more important. Your insecurities or DD having a father, but remember that DD will also one day be told all this and she will decide as well."
I don't know what this means in the long run--or if it means he's slinking away for good...I figure I don't need to respond (and I won't be doing any visitation unless i get to supervise once or twice AND unless he comes to pick her up) or do anything until I receive a call from him or his lawyer. Aaaah now nice.
Thanks for all your continuing support. I really appreciated it this last few days.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
That response is absolutely what I expected....just more spewing of hot air and blaming everyone else for his issues.
Noday, I know you want her to have a father but I don't think NOW is the time. He is just very unstable....not to mention WICKED.
Congrats on standing firm. Bravo!
Noday, I know you want her to have a father but I don't think NOW is the time. He is just very unstable....not to mention WICKED.
Congrats on standing firm. Bravo!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
You can decide which you feel is more important. Your insecurities or DD having a father, but remember that DD will also one day be told all this and she will decide as well."
He seems to think that when your dd is old enough to learn all the facts, she will decide that you were cold and heartless and kept her away from her father......right......:rotfxko What a moroon!
Hugs!!! Keep up the good work! HG
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