lulu1974

I am angry at myself for ending up with an AH. I hate what this disease has done to him and myself.
I hate him for what he has done for me. We took vows andhe could care less. He doesnt care about anyone but himself. He claims too but any decision he has made usually hurts everyone around him. I hate that he has a new victim and trying to prove that I was the cause of his drinking. I hate that he messes up and cries he has to go back to rehab but then goes away for the weekend while everyone else is worried.
I have had no contact since this all happened and proud of that. His birthday came and went and I did no contact. To me it was another day.
But if I can erase those 8 years of misery I would. Instead I will move on and thank him for the lessons learned and hide my heart from anyone who can do damage like this again.
I just needed to vent today.

Hugs
Lulu

Goodtillitsbad

Vent away. It's about growth, progress not perfection. At least we know what we DON'T want in our future. Be gentle with yourself. Anger is a normal part of the process. I feel it too. But I think we need to re-direct it, maybe get some exercise or finish some tasks on that never ending to-do list so at least our anger is directed at accomplishments.
HUGS

Freedom1990

It's okay to be angry sometimes and acknowledge that anger, Lulu. I went through plenty of it when I left my EXAH!

:ghug3

mayday79

You know I feel the same way, but it seems like your at least where you want to be. I am just dealing with my AH but I can truely say he is not the same man I married. I hope you realize that not acknowledging him means that you are in a much better place. So go ahead and vent.

Kassie2

Hi lulu,

Vent away! Anger is a stage in the process toward healing. I often suggest to others that anger is an emotion that tells when something is wrong so we can straighten it out. You are on your way.

Jadmack25

One day, when you are ready for it to happen, the HE..., He....will change to hehe, and you will laugh.

God bless

dollydo

I thought the rollercoaster ride would end when I threw my ex out.

Nope, it didn't happen immediately, I had to go up and down those darn peaks and valleys and I had to do it all by myself, over and over again.

Finally, I got to the point I just couldn't get on that car again, not even once, I was done with that awful, non fun filled ride and the anger was gone, I was free...this too will happen to you...hang in there, all this takes time.

gardner

Hang in there! You have every right to feel those feelings.

lulu1974

and some days I am angry at myself..I can admit I settled when I should have been reaching for the stars...

I never want to settle again or fall into a trap. I want to be stronger, smarter, and wiser. But above all I want to love myself so much that what happened to me will never happen again.

I turned into a robot being married to him. I lost my soul for a while.

He was poison to me and I kept going back for more.

Never again. Never

Kassie2

Lulu,

We make the best decisions we can at any moment in time. When we learn that things have changed or we feel differently then we become responsible for following through.

Being tough doesn't help us to correct our lives - living and learning and growing and changing does. Without this person and experience, you may never have learned to stand up for yourself or go after what you want. And then again, if it had been a good experience you would have gotten there anyway. It isn't the experience that is good or bad - it is all about what we take from it.

Summerpeach

Lu, Anger is an indication that you're on your way to some good healing :-)

Selfishness is the fuel the addict needs to survive. It doesn't lessen your anger, since I am sure you still want to zap him a couple of hundred times with a tazer gun, but this is the hardest stage. From this, you start to go up :-)

tpen

You should reach for the stars. Absolutely! Keep in the Word and the path will be filled with stars.

praiseHim

I feel angry a lot too. It is a frustrating feeling to have sometimes. Good that you got it out here.

RollTide

"I lost my soul for a while."

lulu1974, I completely understand that statement. I lost my soul, my sanity, my confidence and six years of my life. BUT I am slowly getting it all back and you will also.