unsent letter to the next woman
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unsent letter to the next woman
Hi, everyone. I am still here, alive and, while not well, am forging my way.
I have been able to come to see some of the hooks that have kept me involved with my abusive and manipulative con man A for so long.
I have come to recognize that I am stricken with the fear that he will go to the next woman, be very nice, she will, of course have some magic potion that allows him to let go of all this terribleness, and he will be healed and essentially be the man I saw and still see sometimes through the muck.
I have faltered several times and weakened in the face of the shiny new woman.
I have decided to write letters, and I have been writing letters to him and to them, to his family, to mine, to my alcoholic father...all unsent, of course.
This is the letter I composed this morning to him about the next woman. It is helping me clarify what I will not be missing.
Dear A,
You will choose the enabler. And when you go to her, or some other emotionally bankrupt (but financially stable) girl this time, I will fix your shirt, shine up your shoes and comb your hair in order to help you make the best possible impression.
Then you can ask her for promises to not have any negative responses to your screwed up dysfunctions:
She should expect that she should no longer be considered a person whose feelings, problems, or needs are more important than yours at any time, because yours trump ALL, ALL the time.
You can inform her that you secretly screw whoever you want without protection from disease and/or pregnancy, that you do this because you are too drunk to make good choices... and that a negative response to that will deem her a "c*nt".
She should know that you will stay where you want, with whom and however often you want. You will say it is because you had too much to drink, and could not drive or find a ride home.
You will determine what is the appropriate amount of money to contribute to necessities, and there will be no questioning that. You will do this in order to secure your personal weekly stipend for alcohol.
She should accept that most phone calls will be taken or made in secret, and that you will often leave unannounced AFTER you have already arranged for an unnamed person to pick you up at a secret nearby location,blocks away, perhaps, and that she has no business knowing who or where or when...you are going or coming back.
She should not expect to be welcome in your social circle. Except for the friends, establishments, or events that you deem appropriate for her to be present at. Any attempt at spontaneously joining you at a location or function in public will be construed as a maneuver, manipulation, plot, or attempt to spy, surprise, or otherwise "clown" you.
You can ask for her to promise to ignore your blacked out paranoid or aggressive drunken "episodes"...assaults, during which she may be demeaned, sexualized, objectified, and accused in grandiose fashion, but that she will be expected to atone and possibly accept more abuse for whatever she says or does in response to those drunken assaults, because you will not see them as assaults, but instead will have a dreamy rendition of how you delightfully enlightened her the night before...It was she, who, after this innocent expression just began defensively lashing out for no reason at all, viciously, like a cur, you'll say.
She should expect to be accused of being an alcoholic for having a girls night biweekly.
She should be aware that you will not drive yourself drunk, but since you are almost always drunk, will leave your car parked behind the bar for weeks, maybe months at a time, and con her and any number and variety of other people into driving you where you need to go. You will then get into endless cars with drunks at the end of nights and have them drive you across town, because you are so committed to being there for her.
In between these dark times, you will occasionally be present, reliable, wonderful and, maybe even apologetic. You may promise to get help, you may profess undying love and seem humble and accessible. And she will be hooked by that. Sadly within a matter of hours you will be drunk, and you will lash out and accuse in paranoid, vicious fashion. She will be hurt, but she will hold onto those few fleeting hours as the man she loved...
I will be on down the road...
and you will choose what you choose, and it will be yours to live inside of.
And hers to try to recognize this as something she will need to escape from.
It will not be mine anymore, nor will my son have to psychologically reckon with or compensate for a severely emotionally crippled person anymore.
Love, me.
I have been able to come to see some of the hooks that have kept me involved with my abusive and manipulative con man A for so long.
I have come to recognize that I am stricken with the fear that he will go to the next woman, be very nice, she will, of course have some magic potion that allows him to let go of all this terribleness, and he will be healed and essentially be the man I saw and still see sometimes through the muck.
I have faltered several times and weakened in the face of the shiny new woman.
I have decided to write letters, and I have been writing letters to him and to them, to his family, to mine, to my alcoholic father...all unsent, of course.
This is the letter I composed this morning to him about the next woman. It is helping me clarify what I will not be missing.
Dear A,
You will choose the enabler. And when you go to her, or some other emotionally bankrupt (but financially stable) girl this time, I will fix your shirt, shine up your shoes and comb your hair in order to help you make the best possible impression.
Then you can ask her for promises to not have any negative responses to your screwed up dysfunctions:
She should expect that she should no longer be considered a person whose feelings, problems, or needs are more important than yours at any time, because yours trump ALL, ALL the time.
You can inform her that you secretly screw whoever you want without protection from disease and/or pregnancy, that you do this because you are too drunk to make good choices... and that a negative response to that will deem her a "c*nt".
She should know that you will stay where you want, with whom and however often you want. You will say it is because you had too much to drink, and could not drive or find a ride home.
You will determine what is the appropriate amount of money to contribute to necessities, and there will be no questioning that. You will do this in order to secure your personal weekly stipend for alcohol.
She should accept that most phone calls will be taken or made in secret, and that you will often leave unannounced AFTER you have already arranged for an unnamed person to pick you up at a secret nearby location,blocks away, perhaps, and that she has no business knowing who or where or when...you are going or coming back.
She should not expect to be welcome in your social circle. Except for the friends, establishments, or events that you deem appropriate for her to be present at. Any attempt at spontaneously joining you at a location or function in public will be construed as a maneuver, manipulation, plot, or attempt to spy, surprise, or otherwise "clown" you.
You can ask for her to promise to ignore your blacked out paranoid or aggressive drunken "episodes"...assaults, during which she may be demeaned, sexualized, objectified, and accused in grandiose fashion, but that she will be expected to atone and possibly accept more abuse for whatever she says or does in response to those drunken assaults, because you will not see them as assaults, but instead will have a dreamy rendition of how you delightfully enlightened her the night before...It was she, who, after this innocent expression just began defensively lashing out for no reason at all, viciously, like a cur, you'll say.
She should expect to be accused of being an alcoholic for having a girls night biweekly.
She should be aware that you will not drive yourself drunk, but since you are almost always drunk, will leave your car parked behind the bar for weeks, maybe months at a time, and con her and any number and variety of other people into driving you where you need to go. You will then get into endless cars with drunks at the end of nights and have them drive you across town, because you are so committed to being there for her.
In between these dark times, you will occasionally be present, reliable, wonderful and, maybe even apologetic. You may promise to get help, you may profess undying love and seem humble and accessible. And she will be hooked by that. Sadly within a matter of hours you will be drunk, and you will lash out and accuse in paranoid, vicious fashion. She will be hurt, but she will hold onto those few fleeting hours as the man she loved...
I will be on down the road...
and you will choose what you choose, and it will be yours to live inside of.
And hers to try to recognize this as something she will need to escape from.
It will not be mine anymore, nor will my son have to psychologically reckon with or compensate for a severely emotionally crippled person anymore.
Love, me.
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