The nightmare never ends
Sobriety Date: Feb 2009
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Osaka, Jpn
Posts: 389
Hi, sesh!
I think detox goes hour by hour and day by day. Your AH's conscious may return properly. Most of the survived alcoholics included me have come back through such process. I am very proud of you such a strong woman. If you could, take care your children! They are such good jewels for you and your AH.
You are on my prayers.
I think detox goes hour by hour and day by day. Your AH's conscious may return properly. Most of the survived alcoholics included me have come back through such process. I am very proud of you such a strong woman. If you could, take care your children! They are such good jewels for you and your AH.
You are on my prayers.
Sobriety Date: Feb 2009
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Osaka, Jpn
Posts: 389
Hi, Sesh!
How are you today? I think it is getting warmer in Bosnia day by day. You may be very tired. Do not panic about what you can not change! Take care of your children!
You and your family are on my prayers.
How are you today? I think it is getting warmer in Bosnia day by day. You may be very tired. Do not panic about what you can not change! Take care of your children!
You and your family are on my prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Thanks ninja7,
I'm doing ok today too. I'm concentrating only on the imortant stuff I have control of and I let go of the rest. Also in regard of AH I'm thinking positive, I'm well aware he might not survive but I'm chosing not to agonize over it. I'm hoping he'll pull through, and I'm taking one day, or better to say one hour at the time. If the worse happens I'll deal with it than.
I'm admitting I don't know everything, I don't know the outcome and I can't control it. My wise friend CLMI told me to look at this as a part of some Larger Plan, I'm embracing that thought and finding comfort in it.
I'm keeping myself busy. There is so much that needs to be done, so I organize myself and do as much as I can, but when I feel too tired I take a break.
I'm gratefull for all positive things in this hard situation: AH has made a decision to go to the hospital, if he didn't he could have been dead by now. There is a chance he'll survive. That's positive too, glass is half full, not half empty (as it always used to be for me before in everything). He said for the first time ever if he survives he'll do whatever it takes to recover. I'm glad to hear that. I'm not building my future on it, but I'm glad he feels that way. I told him whatever happens I'll support him, I'll be there for him as a friend. If everything works out for the best than we'll both have to work on our recoveries, and we'll see about our marriage.
So looking at things from that perspective, even if it doesn't look so, it's clear things are acctually much better than they were few weeks ago.
I have this firm sense of the gound underneath my feet and I'm holding on to it.
Thank you all for your kind words and prayers
I'm doing ok today too. I'm concentrating only on the imortant stuff I have control of and I let go of the rest. Also in regard of AH I'm thinking positive, I'm well aware he might not survive but I'm chosing not to agonize over it. I'm hoping he'll pull through, and I'm taking one day, or better to say one hour at the time. If the worse happens I'll deal with it than.
I'm admitting I don't know everything, I don't know the outcome and I can't control it. My wise friend CLMI told me to look at this as a part of some Larger Plan, I'm embracing that thought and finding comfort in it.
I'm keeping myself busy. There is so much that needs to be done, so I organize myself and do as much as I can, but when I feel too tired I take a break.
I'm gratefull for all positive things in this hard situation: AH has made a decision to go to the hospital, if he didn't he could have been dead by now. There is a chance he'll survive. That's positive too, glass is half full, not half empty (as it always used to be for me before in everything). He said for the first time ever if he survives he'll do whatever it takes to recover. I'm glad to hear that. I'm not building my future on it, but I'm glad he feels that way. I told him whatever happens I'll support him, I'll be there for him as a friend. If everything works out for the best than we'll both have to work on our recoveries, and we'll see about our marriage.
So looking at things from that perspective, even if it doesn't look so, it's clear things are acctually much better than they were few weeks ago.
I have this firm sense of the gound underneath my feet and I'm holding on to it.
Thank you all for your kind words and prayers
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by sesh 
Thanks ninja7,
I'm doing ok today too. I'm concentrating only on the imortant stuff I have control of and I let go of the rest. Also in regard of AH I'm thinking positive, I'm well aware he might not survive but I'm chosing not to agonize over it. I'm hoping he'll pull through, and I'm taking one day, or better to say one hour at the time. If the worse happens I'll deal with it than.
I'm admitting I don't know everything, I don't know the outcome and I can't control it. My wise friend CLMI told me to look at this as a part of some Larger Plan, I'm embracing that thought and finding comfort in it.
I'm keeping myself busy. There is so much that needs to be done, so I organize myself and do as much as I can, but when I feel too tired I take a break.
I'm gratefull for all positive things in this hard situation: AH has made a decision to go to the hospital, if he didn't he could have been dead by now. There is a chance he'll survive. That's positive too, glass is half full, not half empty (as it always used to be for me before in everything). He said for the first time ever if he survives he'll do whatever it takes to recover. I'm glad to hear that. I'm not building my future on it, but I'm glad he feels that way. I told him whatever happens I'll support him, I'll be there for him as a friend. If everything works out for the best than we'll both have to work on our recoveries, and we'll see about our marriage.
So looking at things from that perspective, even if it doesn't look so, it's clear things are acctually much better than they were few weeks ago.
I have this firm sense of the gound underneath my feet and I'm holding on to it.
Thank you all for your kind words and prayers
I'm doing ok today too. I'm concentrating only on the imortant stuff I have control of and I let go of the rest. Also in regard of AH I'm thinking positive, I'm well aware he might not survive but I'm chosing not to agonize over it. I'm hoping he'll pull through, and I'm taking one day, or better to say one hour at the time. If the worse happens I'll deal with it than.
I'm admitting I don't know everything, I don't know the outcome and I can't control it. My wise friend CLMI told me to look at this as a part of some Larger Plan, I'm embracing that thought and finding comfort in it.
I'm keeping myself busy. There is so much that needs to be done, so I organize myself and do as much as I can, but when I feel too tired I take a break.
I'm gratefull for all positive things in this hard situation: AH has made a decision to go to the hospital, if he didn't he could have been dead by now. There is a chance he'll survive. That's positive too, glass is half full, not half empty (as it always used to be for me before in everything). He said for the first time ever if he survives he'll do whatever it takes to recover. I'm glad to hear that. I'm not building my future on it, but I'm glad he feels that way. I told him whatever happens I'll support him, I'll be there for him as a friend. If everything works out for the best than we'll both have to work on our recoveries, and we'll see about our marriage.
So looking at things from that perspective, even if it doesn't look so, it's clear things are acctually much better than they were few weeks ago.
I have this firm sense of the gound underneath my feet and I'm holding on to it.
Thank you all for your kind words and prayers
These are powerful things - things we learn in adversity like no other time in our lives.
I think these are the things that lead us to Serenity.
They give us perspective.
They facilitate compassion.
They are gifts, to us, I think.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Hi Sesh. I just read about your AH condition. I'm really sorry. It's a very hard thing to go through. I'm thinking about you. Be SURE to take care of yourself, eat, get lots of sleep, take time for you, spend time with kids etc. Big hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Thanks
I'm feeling just so sad today. I think the thought he might acctually die is starting to sink in. There in no words to explain how I feel. My 6 yo son started to cry tonite over something stupid, but couldn't stop. I've never heard a child cry in so much pain before. I couldn't comfort him. he cried himself to sleep. Now I'm crying too, which is good I guess as I dind't cry at all since AH was admitted into hospital.
This morning I took my daughter to the bus station, she's off on a two day trip with her dance group. And there were all these parents there, mostly dad and mums together as this is kids first trip, and all these people know me and they know what's going on, but no one asked anything and they were all trying hard to act normal. And one of the parents is a radiologist that did the US on the AH last week and made the initial diagnoisis. And all of it was just too much at 7 o'clock in the morning.
And from than on the whole day went wrong. And than lot of people were stopping me on the street or phoning me to ask about AH, and I don't know what to say. "It's really bad, there is a chance, but no one can know how big that chance is". And than they don't know what to say, and I don't know what else to say, and I just want to run away.
And AH can hardly speak, and I don't know if it's the drugs they're giving him or is he just too weak, or is it that his speach is slured because of the toxins in his brain.
And than I kept looking at him, thinking he doesn't look as yellow as he did yesterday, he looks better, and than I'm not sure if that's true.
And than I saw myself in the mirror and I thought who is that woman. I could hardly recognize myself. I look so drained and thin and there is a pain writen all over my face...
Today is just a such a bad day. And I feel overwhelmed, and I hate alcoholism. It is a such a horible desease. It took my grandad, my dad and it's now taking my husband away. And I know I have to go through this and I have to pull myself together for my kids, but just can't do it today.
So, eventhough I know it all, I have to say this, I have to scream this here as there is no other place where I can do it: I WANT HIM TO LIVE! HE HAS TO LIVE! I CAN'T BEAR LOSING HIM! OUR KIDS NEED HIM! HE'S A GOOD MAN HE DESERVES ANOTHER CHANCE!
I'm sorry I'm getting crazy here on you guys, I just needed to vent. I'm just so hurt and angry, and sad, and devastated,... today, I have to say to myself that's just today, tomorrow might be different...
I'm feeling just so sad today. I think the thought he might acctually die is starting to sink in. There in no words to explain how I feel. My 6 yo son started to cry tonite over something stupid, but couldn't stop. I've never heard a child cry in so much pain before. I couldn't comfort him. he cried himself to sleep. Now I'm crying too, which is good I guess as I dind't cry at all since AH was admitted into hospital.
This morning I took my daughter to the bus station, she's off on a two day trip with her dance group. And there were all these parents there, mostly dad and mums together as this is kids first trip, and all these people know me and they know what's going on, but no one asked anything and they were all trying hard to act normal. And one of the parents is a radiologist that did the US on the AH last week and made the initial diagnoisis. And all of it was just too much at 7 o'clock in the morning.
And from than on the whole day went wrong. And than lot of people were stopping me on the street or phoning me to ask about AH, and I don't know what to say. "It's really bad, there is a chance, but no one can know how big that chance is". And than they don't know what to say, and I don't know what else to say, and I just want to run away.
And AH can hardly speak, and I don't know if it's the drugs they're giving him or is he just too weak, or is it that his speach is slured because of the toxins in his brain.
And than I kept looking at him, thinking he doesn't look as yellow as he did yesterday, he looks better, and than I'm not sure if that's true.
And than I saw myself in the mirror and I thought who is that woman. I could hardly recognize myself. I look so drained and thin and there is a pain writen all over my face...
Today is just a such a bad day. And I feel overwhelmed, and I hate alcoholism. It is a such a horible desease. It took my grandad, my dad and it's now taking my husband away. And I know I have to go through this and I have to pull myself together for my kids, but just can't do it today.
So, eventhough I know it all, I have to say this, I have to scream this here as there is no other place where I can do it: I WANT HIM TO LIVE! HE HAS TO LIVE! I CAN'T BEAR LOSING HIM! OUR KIDS NEED HIM! HE'S A GOOD MAN HE DESERVES ANOTHER CHANCE!
I'm sorry I'm getting crazy here on you guys, I just needed to vent. I'm just so hurt and angry, and sad, and devastated,... today, I have to say to myself that's just today, tomorrow might be different...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
I just wrote that post and I was getting ready to go to bed and I thought Ok all that is true but how about things I'm grateful for. So here it goes
I'm grateful for my beautiful kids
I'm grateful AH don't have a fever any more
I'm grateful there is a chance he will survive, no matter how small that chance is
I'm grateful I don't have financial problems
I'm grateful for feeling wind on my face through my car window today when I was driving by lavander fields and vineyards
I'm gratefull for the joy I felt today when watching my son play with our dog
I'm gratefull my daughter is enjoying her first ever trip alone with her friends
I'm gratefull I'm alive
This helps. It doesn't remove the pain but it puts everything into right perspective.
I'm grateful for my beautiful kids
I'm grateful AH don't have a fever any more
I'm grateful there is a chance he will survive, no matter how small that chance is
I'm grateful I don't have financial problems
I'm grateful for feeling wind on my face through my car window today when I was driving by lavander fields and vineyards
I'm gratefull for the joy I felt today when watching my son play with our dog
I'm gratefull my daughter is enjoying her first ever trip alone with her friends
I'm gratefull I'm alive
This helps. It doesn't remove the pain but it puts everything into right perspective.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Sesh, we're all here for you. I lost my Father, Uncle and Aunt to alcoholism, and my marriage to pill addiction. What you are going thru is a horrible nightmare. But you are not alone. All of us here on SR are with you thru the magic of the internet. Millions of people in meetings of al-anon and CODA and many other groups are with you too.
Just keep coming back and let out all your feelings, not matter what they may be. We understand.
Mike
Just keep coming back and let out all your feelings, not matter what they may be. We understand.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Sesh, I'm sorry things are going this way. I remember when my friend had end stage liver disease. She eventually couldn't talk because of the toxins, she couldn't remember things like the year. Some days she could talk and some days she couldn't. I'm not sure if you've spoken about a transplant list, but are they talking about a possible liver transplant? My friend got one and she's doing great now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Sesh, I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. You sound like you are doing a wonderful job keeping your perspective and your sanity through this absolutely hellish ordeal. OF COURSE you feel such grief, anger, rage, depression, craziness--my goodness, if anyone deserves to, you do. I feel for you so much, and please know that this online community has you in our hearts.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
You have been in my thoughts and prayers from the start, and as always especially when I was in church this morning.
I have Mass said for all involved in SR, for everyone who has an addiction, their loved ones, carers, and family thru to the smallest child.
I agree with you, the pain and suffering from this revolting disease is terrible. It is indeed a horrible and far reaching disease, through communities all over the world.
God bless
I have Mass said for all involved in SR, for everyone who has an addiction, their loved ones, carers, and family thru to the smallest child.
I agree with you, the pain and suffering from this revolting disease is terrible. It is indeed a horrible and far reaching disease, through communities all over the world.
God bless
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
sesh, how are you doing today? Thinking of you.
I can relate to what you are saying here. My family goes through this with my brother at least once a year for a few months because he has schizophrenia and there is no cure. It is difficult to deal with so I hope you have some friends or family that are with you. Can you get together with them for a bit for support? I know there is no Al-Anon there but maybe there is another type of support group? Maybe you can call one of the hospitals and ask if they have any support groups there; I know they have them at hospitals here in the U.S.
Please know we are thinking of you and we are with you.
The idea of him wondering the streets in that shape, losing his mind, is just too much.
Please know we are thinking of you and we are with you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Sesh - (((hugs))) to you and your children. You are in my thoughts. I too lost my Dad, my Uncle and my Father-in-law to alcoholism. I just wanted you to know, you are not alone, we are here with you, IWTHxxx
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
sesh-
i've been following along...i see you working your recovery tools as in the serentity prayer and expressing gratitude. keep turning it over to your HP. it is in difficult times that we experience what we are made of. just remember, this was his choice. it's his life.
i'm sorry your community is pretending that nothing is going on. that always makes me feel awkward.
we're here listening. get it out here. you're doing great in verbalizing your true feelings.
hugs to you and those kids.
naive
i've been following along...i see you working your recovery tools as in the serentity prayer and expressing gratitude. keep turning it over to your HP. it is in difficult times that we experience what we are made of. just remember, this was his choice. it's his life.
i'm sorry your community is pretending that nothing is going on. that always makes me feel awkward.
we're here listening. get it out here. you're doing great in verbalizing your true feelings.
hugs to you and those kids.
naive
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Thank you all for your kind words, prayers and understanding (and that great song MeHandle).
I'm doing much better today. I guess I needed to fall apart a bit, and let out some of that tension and fear. I had a calm day yesterday, and today is even better. I feel better, I look better, I breath most of the time
I saw AH this morning and his speach is not slured any more, it's almost normal. I spoke to the doc too, and asked if things are getting better or worse or is it impossible to know at this point. he said the liver is really damaged, but there is a small progress, as bilirubin levels are dropping. So that's a good news. I don't really know what that can mean in the long run, but I'm chosing not to think about it and take only the good news of the moment. At times I'm tempted to google it, and try to learn more about the desease, but I know that would be just too much info that will just make me crazy, so I'm not doing it.
I'm going to take one day at the time, and hope for the best. I need to work on myself and do positive things for myself and kids, as even in the best case scenario this is going to be a long, painful struggle.
Your support means to much to me!
I'm doing much better today. I guess I needed to fall apart a bit, and let out some of that tension and fear. I had a calm day yesterday, and today is even better. I feel better, I look better, I breath most of the time
I saw AH this morning and his speach is not slured any more, it's almost normal. I spoke to the doc too, and asked if things are getting better or worse or is it impossible to know at this point. he said the liver is really damaged, but there is a small progress, as bilirubin levels are dropping. So that's a good news. I don't really know what that can mean in the long run, but I'm chosing not to think about it and take only the good news of the moment. At times I'm tempted to google it, and try to learn more about the desease, but I know that would be just too much info that will just make me crazy, so I'm not doing it.
I'm going to take one day at the time, and hope for the best. I need to work on myself and do positive things for myself and kids, as even in the best case scenario this is going to be a long, painful struggle.
Your support means to much to me!
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