boarderline81

Hi All,

I found this community over the weekend. I think my husband is an alcoholic, his mother IS an alcoholic and his brother is a recovering drug addict. My husband started heavily drinking about 7 years ago after a death in the family. He was drinking hard liquor. I've since gotten him to switch to budlight and to drink only on the weekends. He drinks about 8-10 beers a day on Fri-Sun. He slips probably once a month and drinks during the week 3-6 beers. If we go out he does have cocktails but for the most part he sticks to beer/wine.

I've confronted him about the drinking and it always ends in an argument. I read the Alanon self test and answered "yes" to 10 of the questions. But still sometimes I feel like its me, that because I'm not a drinker, I'm overreacting, that drinking a 24 or 36 pack of beers on the weekend is not that big of a deal. He has told me at times he drinks cause I drive him to it cause I'm so uptight. I'm a type A personality... the ironic thing is so is he-- he cleans when he's drunk! He is a functioning drunk, he cleans, he organizes. He's not verbally or physically abusive. If we are with other people then yes he can be inappropriate and obnoxious, and has embarrassed me a lot...but for the most part when we are home alone he just goes about his business.

Usually his drinking makes me a nutcase and I used to yell at him a lot and be mean. I definitely have a temper when I get going but I'm not naturally a mean person. I think why I'm at my wits end now is because I don't like the person I'm becoming when I'm around him and he's drinking. I despise him, I find him disgusting, I hate the smell, how he acts, what he says, I want nothing to do with him--- 3 days a week. I resent him, miss him... I love him and don't want to leave him but I don't know what to do. I feel out of control.

I'm 18 weeks pregnant with our first baby. I lost my job in february and we have some financial pressure now, I resent the beer purchase. I live in a different part of the state than my family, so I don't get a break. He's a smoker too and I want him to quit that but I knew that about him before I married him. I figure I can allow him that one vice... but he's different when he drinks, even though he's productive. Our relationship doesn't feel "real". I don't want to be an angry resentful mother, I don't want our baby to hate its father or me for that matter because I'm unpredictable. I don't want to raise a baby in this environment but I don't know how to deal with him... how to let him hit "bottom" without it affecting us? Will he ever hit bottom? He functions so he doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior. His mother is 65 and has been an alcoholic forever, she functions as well and has never stopped. She will back off a bit but still drinks. She is a mean nasty drunk though... and my husband sees that, yet he still drinks. (I know its a disease...and thats why he does it, its just so hard to watch!) I'm looking into counseling, to see if our insurance can cover it. I'm not sure how much it will cost and if we can afford it, but I think I need it at the very least. I'd like him to come too... but if we can't afford it what do we do?

I love him, I don't want to leave him. I don't know how to set boundaries or what types of boundaries to set so that I can still remain calm and happy even while he is drinking. I definitely don't think my mean words or threats have helped. Neither is me ignoring him. Right now the agreement is only to drink during the weekends and that seems to work 75% of the time-- he sticks to it. But even though he is within our agreement, I get so annoyed when he drinks...regardless of the day of the week. Summer is coming up and I know he is going to drink a lot more because every day will seem like a weekend (he's a teacher and has the summer off). We always have huge fights in the summer.

I've written him letters, I've pleaded, begged, yelled, screamed, ignored. How can I deal with this? Any advice on how I can remain calm? What I can do? I don't want to enable him... I don't want him to use my behavior as an excuse, but I need to figure out how to deal with my emotions (being an emotional pregnant woman isn't helping much either). Am I overreacting?

Any advice would be much appreciated...

SheCanRun

I don't think you are over reacting.

I'm dealing by going to Al Anon. It's a painful process but I have decided I'm worth the effort.

I wish you much love and luck. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

ninja7

Hi, BL!
Welcome to SR! Here Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Here you can read many knowledge and experiences. I think you can not change your AH's habit. You may go to Al-Anon to ask any knowledge how to cope with AH and yourself.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

You have found a wonderful source of support and information for yourself. I recommend reading in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum. I always find wisdom in those posts.

One of the first steps I needed to take in dealing with someone else's alcoholism, was learning & accepting the three C's of addiction:

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it

As you have already learned, by trying to control the alcohol consumption of another person - you are labled as the "cause" of drinking.

I agree with the other posters that Alanon meetings may help you to get your serenity/peace back. I was given the advice to try 6 meetings before I decided if Alanon was for me. I did. It works and I kept going back. (bonus is it is free)

I also recommend self-help books. I especially like Melody Beatties book "Codependent No More". Here is Melody's definition of codependency:
"A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."

Make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.

Bernadette

I've written him letters, I've pleaded, begged, yelled, screamed, ignored. How can I deal with this? Any advice on how I can remain calm? What I can do? I don't want to enable him... I don't want him to use my behavior as an excuse, but I need to figure out how to deal with my emotions (being an emotional pregnant woman isn't helping much either). Am I overreacting?


No you're not overreacting - not at all. But your current reactions aren't really helping right? Nothing changes the way you want it to!

You're probably not going to want to hear this but seriously the only way to find peace of mind for yourself with an alcoholic is to start with acceptance.

Accept that he is an alcoholic and there is nothing you can do to change that. Nothing.

If you accept that then a whole world of possibilities opens to you and your choices become clear.

You are the only person you can control in this situation.

I needed a lot of help and guidance from AlAnon and therapy to figure out how to separate ME from the alcoholics! Not easy but worth it and the only way to happiness for me!!

peace and stick around!
b.

nodaybut2day

hi boarderline and WELCOME to SR!

I'm so very glad you found us, especially now that you've got a little one on the way.

First off, congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm sorry that you have to go through all sorts of stress during what should be a joyous time for you.

I just wanted to chime in with this: it doesn't matter if your H is an alcohol abuser, a functional alcoholic or a pink spotted cow...The label is unimportant (which was hard for me to accept). What's important is whether or not you have a problem with his drinking (and his smoking). The real question is, how much are you willing to accept? Do you accept and love your H as he is RIGHT NOW, TODAY? Because that's the only person he's willing and able to be. Conversely, what aren't you willing to deal with?

These questions are SO important to reflect upon, especially since you'll soon be caring for an infant, and you'll have to protect him or her from what's going on in your home. Are you willing to let your child grow up in the environment you're living in right now?

For me, this is what motivated me to leave my XAH. I thought that I could "deal with" his drunkeness, his spending money on booze, smokers, videogames and clothing, his treating me like trash, and even the yelling, breaking things, and self-mutilation...but NO FRIGGIN WAY was I letting him treat my daughter like that. Even then, it took him freaking out at me, hollering, calling me names, slamming his fists on the table and completely losing it, while I held my 1 year old for me to realize that this was what the future would hold for my child if I chose to stay. So I left.

Food for thought...

Keep posting!

TakingCharge999

I would feel the same way, if money is tight then usually one would expect the partner to be careful with expenses especially with a baby coming. That is a totally reasonable expectation but he seems to give priority to alcohol and ignore how others are affected- a trait of alcoholics.

I am glad you are here! many of us couldn't learn or didn't want to learn how to cope with someone when there was no fair play at all and when we were ignored. I am learning humans can communicate and if people have a goal in common then you will find a way to cooperate, negotiate, make agreements, follow them and achieve peace, that is teamwork. None of that existed with the alkie. I felt like a ghost or something disposable. Not a human let alone a healthy human deserving of love and attentions.

My exp with a functional alkie was VERY stressful, sometimes still is due to work. That constant stress can take a huge toll in you and your baby, please consider you two come FIRST.

TakingCharge999

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Spouses and other family members begin to ask a perfectly logical question: "If you really love and care about me, why do you keep doing what you know hurts me so badly?" To this the addict has no answer except to promise once again to do better, "this time for real, youÇll see!" or to respond with grievances and complaints of his own. The question of fairness arises as the addict attempts to extenuate his own admitted transgressions by repeated references to what he considers the equal or greater faults of those who complain of his addictive behavior.

ashleymarie

Hi, i have been up all night searching the internet for validation and support as i am going through a tough time and trying very hard to not give up but have become very scared, i found your post and felt like i could have written it with a few minor detail changes, even though i felt the same when i was pregnant, i now have two babies (2and 5 months). I have the same financial worries, arguments, anger, told im just nagging and being too controlling etc, its scares me to think of my kids growing up in an environment where they see alcohol so accepted by one parent, however i do know that can be overcome by the non-abusing parent, i am also a drug and alocohol counselor (well used to be until recently) so even though i know i cannot control and need to accept, it is still very hard for me to do in the moment, i would like to start attending alanon meetings but have trouble with child care with a baby and extremely active toddler, i feel like whenever my husband has been out drinking i end up being on the defense as he becomes very cold hearted and cruel, his friends encourage drinking and some even make comments about accepting him for who he is and not trying to change him, to everyone else, drinking is just a "country boy" way and not seen as a problem and even though they dont see how he talks to me and his attitude they assume that im just the nagging b***h wife that worries too much, i would get frustrated that i could be a successful professional and help others with their problems and counsel families but couldnt keep it up in my own life..tonight i received shocking news of a very unexpected death in the family (possibly from drug abuse) and called my husband asking him to come home bc i needed him (he was out "having a drink") his responses to me included blaming me and my family for not seeing the signs and helping, everyone dies and it happens everyday, telling me how to feel and think and basically get over it bc everyone makes choices, and i wasnt that close to my family member anyone so i was overreacting, i went outside to sit on my porch alone in the middle of the night and he locked the door on me, he didnt keep me locked out but his overall attitude towards me when i begged him to just comfort me was very cold hearted, i believe bc he was drunk..i ended up being just as upset, if not more, over the lack of support and being defensive over myself as i was about the death in my family...my problem is no one else in my husband life believes me or sees this so i have no support and look like the bad guy...anyway, just wanted to comment that you are not alone, i am in a very similiar boat, i also dont want to give up on my marriage, i have two beautiful little girls with him, but there are times when i wonder how long i can stay in a relationship like this, he is wonderful with my daughters, but he leads such an inactive lifestyle i do most of the work and play, my husband is always too tired, or doesnt feel well, his back hurtsor his buddies call and he says he needs his "me" time ...anyway sorry for the long rant guess i needed to get all that out to, but reading your post was helpful to keep me going bc i tend to second guess and blame myself thinking maybe i am just overreacting because i have seen the worst in my professional life, thank you

Katiekate

Hi Ashley, welcome, so glad you found us.

I hope you will stick around.

This is an older thread, I'm so glad it was helpful to you.

I hope you will introduce yourself and tell us more of your story in a new thread.

We are here, Oh and you may be able to get help with child care at al anon.

call them and see if they can help you with that at the meeting if you decide to attend.

Looking forward to hearing more from you. Katie

scacra1

HI Borderline,
i joined this site this time last year, then left thinking, im sure my partner isnt an alcoholic, but i came back in the last few weeks.. as actually im not so sure.
my situation mirrors yours exactly - my partner is exactly the same as yours, works hard monday to friday in an executive role, only really drinks on the weekend but im sure he has a problem, he does all the things you mention - more to the point he makes me react like you! We too are both type A personality and his beahvour makes me crazy when he has had a drink! i scream shout, think im going mad. then spend the rest of my time trying to control him and his drinking which results in more rows!
i too dont want to leave as 80% of the time there no issues.
im here becasue im confused, and unsure if he is or isnt, if i should stay or go etc etc
keep talking... im learning so much on here - and you will to!

Justfor1

He drinks a 36pack of beer on the weekend & you think he might have a problem? That is a lot of alcohol. Most normal drinkers could not consume that much without being unconscious.