Trying2Fly

My parents are on the warpath again. They have expressed that they think my boundaries are "too ridgid" (my boundaries are: 1.) we will respect each other's decisions on how we each choose to handle AS, and 2.) I do not wish to be around her drinking, so I will see them separately).

They say that "seeing them separately" is no going to work. They say that "AS is not drinking now", so I should be able to see all of them together.

I feel uncomfortable with the situation--they are choosing to let her live with them, she is not in recovery, and she probably is still drinking (on Mother's Day, she showed up drunk--it was very obvious to her siblings, but my parents both ignored the fact). I don't want to be in a situation where we show up to hang out with the family, she is drunk, and my parents ignore the situation. So to ME, it seems easier and within my boundaries to tell them, "I'll spend time with you separately".

I think my mom is also trying to manipulate and control the situation by trying to make me feel guilty. A little bit of background--they recently moved back from out of state (they are retired) to "be closer to the family" (all us kids live out here on the West coast). In our last conversation, Mom said to me, "well this isn't going to work--you are expecting me to choose between my children, and I am not going to do that. Besides, we moved back here to be closer to all you kids and do family stuff, and you won't do that." The way I interpret it--it's her way or no way. She is misreading my boundaries--I am NOT expecting her to "choose between her children"! I am simply asking that she respect my decision to not be immersed in AS' problems. I've tried explaining this to her, and she won't hear it. She says I'm being selfish. She says "family" is what will "heal AS". Ummm.....

I'm not alright with this. But I'm also feeling very confused...should my boundary be: okay, we will see you during family functions (i.e. birthdays, father's day, etc.), but if AS is drinking, we leave? Or should it be "I will only see you separately" because being around AS is uncomfortable? I know I"m the only one who can answer this....but I need some perspective. Thanks.

suki44883

I agree with Anvil, AND, yes, your mother is being very manipulative. She doesn't have to do any choosing, she just needs to respect your decisions. She obviously doesn't want to do that, so she tries to make you feel guilty. Don't let her. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

JenT1968

boundaries are for us, for what we need. we can't make others understand, welcome or respcet our boundaries, in fact, it's probably a dead cert that if you are having to put a boundary in place someone will kick up a fuss. We don't have to change them just 'cos others don't like them.

in my experience, this dies down after I have stuck to it for a bit.

Others get to state their boundaries too and we don't have to like or agree with them, they are for them. as anvil said let the dust settle a bit, take it one event at a time.

dollydo

She is trying to play you. She is not respecting your decision. As an adult, you have the right to set bounderies and enforce them.

She is being very selfish and childish, throwing a tantrum when she does not get her way.

Stick to you guns, this too will pass.