Missbeliving

My mother runs in cycles. She'll be "recovering" for a few months to a year, then she'll start getting lonely and bored and blah blah blah. Then the drinking starts again, innocent at first, then she goes on a bender for a few days and my sister and i are left with a suicide note and moms in jail again. lovely. I bring this up because I've been getting a sense of dejavu when talking to her and i can see the end is near, again. I'm frustrated to say the least. She really is just very lonely, she doesn't really have anything to do but work. She doesn't have a license and since she can't drink she has no friends. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and has any suggestions for what she can do?
P.S. She hates AA

TakingCharge999

Welcome Miss.

Have you read the 'Stickies' section?

"Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty is a very good book, hope you can get a copy.

TakingCharge999

Also I say you cannot make it stop but you can certainly distance yourself from her madness - it sounds cruel but it is not fair to you to carry the demons of others.

Others with more experience/wisdom will arrive shortly. Please keep reading/posting.

bookwyrm

missbelieving, there is nothing you can do or say to stop her drinking again. This was one of the hardest - yet most liberating - things I learned when I first came here. I was with my XAH (ex alcoholic husband) for 18 years and in all that time everything I did or said had absolutely NO effect on his drinking. Yeah, he might 'stop' or 'moderate' his intake for a while but it would be temporary. And believe me, I tried everything!

The three C's are something I learned here:

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Your mother is an adult who will do whatever she is going to do. She is the parent in this relationship, not you! She has to want to stop for herself. 'Loneliness' is an excuse to start drinking again. I don't drink and I don't go to pubs but I'm rarely lonely. I can find clubs to join, things to do etc really easily by looking online or even going to my local library.

Have you read through the stickied posts at the top of the forum? There is a huge amount of information there - I found it really eye opening. I think you might benefit from reading those on detachment.

Welcome, I've found this forum to be a great support and help. I hope you stick around and post some more so we can all find out more about YOU!

Taking5

I am confused. You say she can't drink yet she ends up in jail again and again? What is she in jail for if it is not alcohol related?

coffeedrinker

Welcome to Sober Recovery! You need to have a life free from this kind of bondage - you deserve it, and we will support you in the ways you figure out how to best do that.

As you wrote, your mother is "recovering" for short times. This is probably why she has no friends. She needs sober friends, and a support network to stay sober, to find meaning in life, and want to live. You, however, as I think you realize, can't make her do that.

You do NOT have to stand closely by and watch her destroy herself. You CAN distance yourself. Perhaps you can tell her that, as you don't want to take a front seat to her destructive behaviors, that if and when she begins drinking again, you will choose to not be around her. Perhaps you can add that you love her and hope that she will choose sobriety, and that you will support her (emotionally) if she does. Then as soon as she gets argumentative, insults you, lies to you, or whatever the norm is for her, you extricate yourself from the conversation.

Keep coming back, ok?

Seren

Oh, dear, I'm sorry to hear about your mom! But the others who have posted are right....you can't create a life and a world for your mom. You can't find friends for her, you can't find her a hobby or volunteer work to take up her spare time. You can't keep her from drinking - and the flip side of that is - you are not the cause of her drinking.

I hope that you have Al-Anon meetings nearby. My husband and I found them very helpful! Huge hugs and many prayers for you and your mom.

HG

Learn2Live

First things first, MissBelieving, how old are you and your sister?

You should know there are many reasons why a person would run in cycles the way you describe. The disease of alcoholism is just one of them. If she threatens suicide and winds up in jail on a cyclical basis, there is likely a different medical reason for her cycles but only a doctor can identify and diagnose those.

I understand your sense of deja vu, your feelings of frustration, your desire to figure this out and your wanting to help your mom. Many, many people, including myself, are going through, have gone through, and will continue to go through what you describe.

I do not have any suggestions for your mom but I do recommend that you look into Al-Anon. You may also benefit from Al-Anon Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Take care.

Missbeliving

Thanks everyone for your advice. I've read through a few of the 'stickies' so far and they are helpful, the self test was kind of a scary thing with all of the yeses. codependent no more is currently downloading from a torrent as i type.=)

To answer your questions, my sister is 19 and I'll be 17 in June. My mom can't drink now because she's on probation, but she has ended up in jail because of drunk driving on multiple occasions. Also she has been diagnosed with clinical depression, which explains the cycling, but i don't think it excuses any of what she's done.

I guess all i can do is wait and see what happens, maybe I'm over reacting.

Oh, and i know I spelled Missbelieving wrong, i just don't know how to change it