brundle

My soon to be ex has been "talking" to me. We all know how fun those talks can be. At times I don't answer his calls. When he gets me at this point I try to be understanding, forgiving and even see where I helped in the break down of our marriage.

He's been saying I made up lies about him. Like him having an affair. I told him that I thought he was having an affair and if I was wrong sorry. Then he said that I was telling everyone that he was a bad husband and a dirty drunk. I didn't say anything. That's not the first time he said it and I dodged it. We didn't talk much longer. I'm not sure what he's hoping for. If he's trying to mess with my reality or what. I know he's "cut back" on his drinking. But he was a full blown stage 3 alcoholic when I was there. He's gotten no help. I can't prove the affair. But I'm not going to say I didn't live with his drinking problem. That his working didn't call me and tell me they thought he might get fired for it. I lived this stuff. I'm not sure what he's trying to prove. He filed for divorce. He's not trying to get back with me. So who cares if everyone I know thinks whatever about him? Can anyone help me see this clearly? Am I missing something?

Thanks

Still Waters

Blame shifting? He wants you to take responsibility for the breakup of the marriage?

brundle

Well I did leave him while he was at work and didn't tell him I was going. I felt that was what I had to do at the time. Right or wrong. I take full responsibility for that. But I didn't get to that point alone. Right?

dollydo

Since he is soon to be ex, all the banter back n forth is a waste of time. He did, you did, he said, you said, what difference does it make, it's over.

How about no contact?

Forget about it, keep moving forward and enjoy your day!

sesh

I think you are trying to find logic in his thinking. But there is no logic and reason when it comes to alcoholics IMO.
Maybe he's all those things you allegedly said, he feels accuses by his own concience and is shifting the blame at you. He can't deal with his concience so he's calling you to take a stand like a hostile witness. Or whatever...
It is all just about him. It has nothing to do with you. And I think that is as clear as it needs to be with you.

PS I remebered your frog signature from when I used to come to this place before, and often felt like that frog in the meantime, and also often wondered how you are...

Hugs

transformyself

Listen to this wonderfully wise woman:
No you're not. And you've got your own wisdom within you as well.And of course you need support from us. You're own parents are apparently dead set against you saving your own life as well
But we're here and we hear you. I found this wonderful place last fall, after leaving my AH. Not long after that you appeared, announcing you had found your own place to rent

At that time, I searched through your posts and this early one, from when you first came here, has haunted me since the day I read it. You, my dear, are one of my heroes.

It seems the folks you should be able to count and rely on are hell bent on not supporting you.

When this happens to me, I work to carefully choose who I spend my time with. Stand firm in my convictions.

Big hugs my dear. You are beautiful and amazing.

Still Waters

I also left while my AH was not at home. It's called "personal safety". Active alcoholics (or dry ones in my AH's case) are not stable by any stretch of the imagination. I did what I needed to do for me, and my daughter in the safest way I knew how. I refuse to apologize for that. Matter of fact, if anyone should be apologizing, it should be him for putting us in that situation.

Kassie2

HI,

It seems to me that you are thinking clearly enough. If you didn't do something and someone accuses you - that is their problem - not yours.

If you are trying to find your lesson in this - look at your responses to the situation and work on what you clarify as a something you would like to change about yourself - but don't worry about him. If he ever gets sober and stays that was and wants to make amends then talk this stuff through.

We aren't responsible for anyone's behavior but our own. If we screw up and it wasn't intentional -it will pass, and if we didn't like our behavior then we can choose to deal with it.

brundle

Thank you all very much! Your all just the level headed people I needed to hear. Thank you!!! Most of the time I know things are going to be better now. But I still have my parents and the church always kind of making me feel just a wee bit guilty about divorce if he wants to talk. (I think this is more an up-bringing thing)

I keep finding it odd that I can often see where I may have handled something differently; but he never thinks "What must I have done to have my sick wife (with no prospects for her future with money) flee from our home like some crazy person!?"

I really do see why it's much easier with no contact.

sesh: I hope your doing well... Other then this... I'm doing really good. I do lurk out here from time to time. I sometimes will post on the lighter topics. I've had some health issues with my illness from that I'm a little emotional; so I keep the heavy stuff to myself.
Thank you all again!
Hugs,
Nan

Seren

((((Brundle)))) Never feel it's necessary to apologize for keeping yourself safe. You have nothing to feel guilty about. It's really not necessary to pick up what he is putting down. He's entitled to his opinion......but since he is your ex.....you are entitled to NOT listen to them.

Please take good care of yourself! Hugs, HG

tjp613

Brundle, you've always been one of my heroes, too. You have been through soooo much and have come so very far. I admire your courage and strength.

Your STBXAH is definitely blame-shifting to make himself feel better, to make YOU out to be the bad guy, and to get sympathy from your network of friends & family. THAT'S WHAT ADDICTS DO. He's right on schedule!!

My addict-son that was kicked out 3 weeks ago was telling me that I'm trying to turn his girlfriend against him and that I just need to STOP talking to her. He was very, very angry. He said that because she and I had a long conversation regarding MY experience with him. I wanted her to hear MY side of the story not because I felt the need to justify my decisions and actions, but because I felt she needed to understand the TRUTH about her boyfriend. He is a chronic liar so I knew he was lying to her about many, many things. I only wanted to open her eyes just a wee bit so that she might somehow learn to take care of herself and get the heck out of this relationship. It's crushing her and she doesn't even realize it. I said what I had to say to her and have never said another word. I'm not actively trying to break them up! It's not my business! But she deserves to know the whole the truth, doesn't she?

So he's all pissed at me because I spoke the truth to his girlfriend. I am the bad guy now because their relationship is destabilized. I am the bad guy? Really? No matter how I look at it, I don't see it that way. I'm a big fan of the Truth.

See how similar their actions are? When faced with the truth of the destruction they've caused, they get real real busy looking for someone else to blame!

Stick to the truth, brundle. If only in your own mind. No need to justify your actions or decisions to anyone, except maybe your children. But I seriously doubt they need any explanation....they've lived it!

I read something here on SR from one of the recovering alcoholics that I think of often: "What other people think of me is none of my business."

I love that.

Take care of yourself every single day. (((HUGS)))

Learn2Live

There is a lesson here for YOU but, as it is for all of us, it is difficult to turn our heads away from what it is the other person is doing, and clearly see what WE are doing. I agree with Sesh, you appear to be trying to make sense of alcoholic thinking. The point in getting away from him in the first place was because doing that with ANYONE will DRIVE YOU CRAZY. The disease NEEDS you to second-guess yourself, to question your own perceptions and understandings, to become as unhealthy as the alcoholic. Sometimes we just have to remind ourselves of that. Honestly, what I have learned is that having ANY alcoholic or addict in your life will lead to this kind of thinking for you so it's best not to include people with alcoholism or addiction in your life.

So, stop trying to make sense of him, his words, his behaviors, his actions, his whatever. Yes, No Contact is likely the only way to avoid getting drawn back into his non-reality and sickness and to avoid being affected yourself. Remember, it is as if they live in some parallel universe; they do not perceive or interpret what is happening the same way we do.

That's right. He is 50% of the equation, just as you are the other 50%. Own your side of the street, that's all you can do. This means looking for the lesson in this most recent interaction between you, finding where you feel you need to grow for yourSELF, and working on those things. What is key is, as long as you are trying to figure out him, what he says, or what he does, you are deflecting yourself from yourself. You are not growing. Once you recognize and accept in general that the focus or even obsession with what is going on with someone else is just a mechanism for you to not look at you, it will become easier.

IMO, for you, at this time, your H.P. has brought him back to you to have this recent interaction and discussion so that you can learn: (1) No Contact and (2) No Guilt. I think you are strong on the No Contact but No Guilt requires a little more work right now because of this statement:

This would be part of working 12 steps so if you have a sponsor, they can help you with that. Have you been going to meetings? For me, what helped was REALLY believing that GUILT IS POISON!!! That GUILT IS TOXIC!!! and that we all need to STOMP OUT GUILT!!! It is nice your parents like to share their opinion, and yes, we all need spirituality, but THIS MAN IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM! YOU ARE NOT OBLIGED TO CONTINUE TO SACRIFICE YOURSELF, DWELL IN HIS SICK LIFE, AND MAKE YOURSELF GO INSANE, DESTITUTE, OR WHATEVER JUST TO TAKE CARE OF HIM. So, next time your parents drop their Ugly Guilt Bomb on you, you can recognize it for what it is, set a boundary, and walk away with your head held high KNOWING that you are doing the right thing.

Good on ya' Brendle. Keep up the good work girl. Glad to hear from you again! Love ya'.

brundle

So many good points!!! I think I'm printing this stuff out and hanging it around the house!!!

Learn2Live: Funny that you asked about meetings. I see a therapist but had stopped going to meetings and was just thinking I should start again. I will be going back this week.

tjp613: Wow!! I know it's hard for all of us. But I really feel for those who have this problem with their children! I want you to know I pray for you when I see your posts. It was watching my children change that really forced me into action. I can't imagine what you must go through. Your son's girlfriend may come to you at some point when she's ready. Love is blind at this stage. ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) and thank you!!! Oh and btw... I don't have to say anything to the kids or the people he worked with; they all saw or smelled exactly what was going on. Only he gets the luxury of denial.

It's so nice to know I can be pulled back to sanity here. I knew I needed more then just reading the posts; I needed to hear all your strong voices. Just reading your posts has given me back my peace. That has been one nice thing since I left. When your not in that addict life-style it really is so much more peaceful!
Hugs all,
Nan

AlwaysGrowing

While I stayed with my wife as she spend time in rehab and half-way house my parents were the last ones to really come on board with me. They heard but rarely saw her in the darkest times. At the end of her drinking they were 100% behind me after seeing her path at 11am on a school day not able to stand up and seeing things..Now that my wife is sober and working a good program they are slow to come back the other way..

You are doing the right thing.. My wife wanted help and was trying to stay sober at the end, that was the ONLY reason I stayed.

AG