Just Breathe1

So, I totally blew the NC today. I completely fell into all my old habits, and let my XABF pull me right back in, and I feel like I just blew all the progress I had made. My son texted my X this afternoon to ask him a question. He and my ex had a short conversation via text, and one of the texts that he sent to my son said something about he's about to get a PS3 for himself, and I lost it. I texted him and said you can afford a PS3, but u don't have any gas money to get a pool pass for us, and you can't pay to fix the damage to my car. The night that he left he flipped out, because I wouldn't let him back in the apartment and he pounded on the hood of my car with his fists, and dented my hood. He's probably lying about getting a PS3, but even if he isn't so what? Did I actually expect him to do anything about the damage he caused to my car? No, of course not, he's an active alcoholic, why would he do the right thing? But I was pissed, and I let him have it. I went off via text, said all kinds of stuff about all the different things he has done to me, and all the ways he has wronged me. He called me in the middle of my rant, and he started ranting. It went on for hours off and on. Some of it on the phone, and some of it via text. I calmed down after a little while, but he, of course did not. Once he starts ranting his anger can last for days. After I calmed down though I still kept enganging with him. I found myself trying to diffuse the situation, and trying to get him to calm down. That of course never worked, and I finally gave up, not until the damage had been done, though.

So, now I am left back at square one, with the NC, and that's fine. My biggest concern at this moment is why it is so important to me to try to get him to interact with me on some normal, rational level. I feel like I keep hoping and expecting him to magically turn back into what he used to be. Everytime I have spoken to him since he moved out he is less and less like himself, like he used to be. So why can't I get it through my thick head that he's not going to change? I just keep beating my head up against that wall, and I don't understand why. He would say things to me via text and I would think the best thing for me to do is not respond, but then I would respond anyways.

I just still feel like my head is spinning from all of this. I just can't seem to understand how he could just give up on our relationship. The day that he moved out we were good, we were great actually. He was going to start AA, and I was going to start Al-anon, and we were both going to do what we needed for ourselves in order to make this work. Then all of a sudden that night, he couldn't do it, cause I would never change, and I think it's all his fault, and he left. I know he just freaked out about the idea of actually giving up the drinking, but whatever the reason he left. And since then we have had very few interchanges that were civil even. I just feel like all he has left for me is hatred, and I don't know why, and I seem to have this sick need to get him to show me anything but hatred. I just don't seem to be able to accept that things have completely changed, that he has completely changed, and that it's not ever going to go back to what it was.

I feel like he knows me so well, and knows how to push my buttons so well, and he does it, and it works like a charm everytime. He is so good at manipulating me, and I fall for it everytime. The last time we had an exchange like this, and I went NC for a little while then he texts me saying maybe he made a mistake, and being nice, and pulls me right back in. I just don't understand the logic. I mean what could he possibly get out of being so mean to me. He is so horrible that I start to believe that he doesn't really love me, that he never did, and then he's nice again, and I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, and he also told me during our conversation that he has been sober for two weeks, and he hasn't even wanted a drink until now, because of me of course. I told him if that is true then that is awesome, but I know he's lying through his teeth. I know he's drinking, but what's the point in arguing that with him. What's the point in arguing anything with him? Even knowing that there is no point I still seem to do it. I'm having a hard time letting him go, and accepting that I can not have a rational conversation with him, and I can't expect him to act in anyway other than this mean, hateful person he has become. I just don't know how to let go of that other person. I am not good at giving up, and it's not serving me well here.

I don't seem to be any good at clearly setting boundaries or sticking to them. I just don't seem to be any good at this at all. I hate this, and I honestly don't feel like I deserve to be treated like this, and it infuriates me that he keeps treating me this way anyways. I know my only option is to stop letting him treat me like this, I just have to not engage with him at all. I don't know why that is so hard for me, but it is. I'm really no good at this at all.

suki44883

You can get off the roller coaster any time. The longer you dance, the longer he'll pull the strings. When you have finally had enough, it will get easier to stop putting yourself in that situation.

coffeedrinker

Well, I have to let you off the hook, because I have done the EXACT same thing. More than once.

Read my post:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...g-me-pain.html

and you will see many sympathetic replies.

You had a setback, that's all. You learned what you needed to. Do what I did - after that fall, just get back up on the horse.

You'll be fine.

sesh

I'm sure we all did the same thing God knows how many times too. As strange as it might sound you need these setbacks, as painful as they are, to help you get to the point when you're ready to let go.
I trully believe that we too, as much as alcoholics, need to hit our rock bottom, before we can start our recovery. Many times you can get to the point when you think you've reached it, but once you really hit it you'll know, there is no mistake about it, as everything becomes clear in all aspects of life, and there is no room for illusions in it any more. And your survival insticts kick in, and since than the only way is up.
So regardless of how hard this is for you now, you are doing exactly what you need to do right now. Keep coming here, keep reading and keep working on yourself, regardless of what he does or doesn't do (including if he changes for good this instant), keep working on yourself, questioning yourself, your beliefs, your defensivness, your paradigms, your patterns, everything about you, and I promiss you'll get there. it's everything but easy, but in the same time it's easier than staying where you were.
Once you get there you'll know all the pain was worthwhile.
Go eazy on yourself, don't beat yourself up because of your steps back, there are put on your path to teach you something, and you are learning allready.
I've been reading your posts since you joined and and I think you're doing good. It takes time. Few steps forward, couple of steps back. It's a process. And to answer your initial question: Yes, you will learn. I think the only real question is when. And I guess the answer to that is when you're ready. So, kind of that's the only thing you can do, work on yourself to get ready, and you're doing that allready.
Keep up the good work
I wish you well
Huggs

zbear23

Every time I ran away from home in an alcoholic rage, my wife would convince me to return. I'd stay sober for a while and then inevitably relapse. My "bad boy" alcoholic could not not respond to her parental mommy role, and I continued to act out. The most loving thing I ever did is finally leave permanently....this freed both of us from the powerful dynamic that we'd created in our addictions.

One of the things that helped me understand was reading "conversations with God" by Neal Walsch. In volume one he has a large section on relationships in which he writes that the problem with most relationships is that we are looking for someone to complete us, rather than sharing our completeness with another. That pretty much summed it up for me.

Hang in there. Surrender is not failure.

blessings
zenbear