Hi AG. Is alcoholism very common in the military?

I'm wondering if several members in my fiances' unit may be an alcoholics, including even his Commanding Officer. I've heard he likes to drink & have even seen him falling-over drunk at a bar with his unit. Last month the CO showed up to a unit-family-picnic at 11AM with his own vodka & bloody mary mix. It seems like these guys gloat in their funny stories from nights of heavy drinking. There are a few other officers & enlisted members I wonder about too....sadly, I think those are the guys my fiance enjoys hanging with most. Wonder if the acceptance of drinking in his unit blinds him (and others) to the idea that it may be a problem.

My head is convinced that he has an alcohol problem...and is on the path to becoming an alcoholic....and alcoholism is devastating to marriage & kids.
My heart is saying "but he is so functional"..."maybe he doesn't drink extra in secret"..."maybe the problem is not that bad"..."maybe he can get better with help".

And yes, I know I need to listen to my head.

Just out of curiosity...roughly how many drinks do you think a guy his size can consume in one sitting before he crosses that threshold of 'social drinker' to 'problem drinker'? 4 drinks? 8 drinks? 12 drinks???

:c029: I really hadn't thought about that one!!:11: Yes, I could see that becoming a possiblity. Have you heard of many retired soldiers doing that?

Thanks MZ. That was a very emotionally sobering post!

Its really heart breaking to hear this stuff and I really appreciate you all taking the time to help me see the reality.

Hi daisy welcome.

About alcohol and marijuana, I used to drink and smoke both. To me those are the same thing in that I was NOT a happy person, well alcohol made me smile and be extroverted. MJ made me laugh at everything and become a lighter person. The two made me act like someone I was not.

It is very sad a man will drink while being responsible of his son.

Dear daisy it is heartbreaking but an alcoholic will DENY he or she has a problem, even on their deathbed, when often they end up there as a direct consequence of their addiction.

Many wonderful people here have witnessed that and I do not know how they cope. Denial takes alcoholics to the grave. That is one of the most frustrating and horrible parts of addiction.

I identified with you because I had a BF. We spent time together and I noticed he drank but I never knew what he did when I was not there, probably drinking twice.

Then he left for work to another city and we had a long distance relation. When he went to see me he was thinner and thinner. Now I know it was because no one knew him here, he was obviously drinking a lot.

When I moved with him I was able to realize the extent of the problem, whole Sundays were spent nursing him back to life after drinking ALL week. He also got angry and defensive when I brought up alcohol. Once when we were on vacation he got superdrunk and started telling me horrible things. I recall several instances where I ended up crying, then he was sorry, he wouldn't do it again, next weekend it was the same only worse.

He also loves Jack Daniels. One year and a half later he still loves him, he still looks yellow and he is still very thin.


Normal people do not defend alcohol, do not get angry. It is not even a topic.
I say you are lucky and God, the universe, whatever is watching over you just as he did with me. I also planned on marrying the guy. Hope you don't even have to go through living with him. I put myself in very dangerous positions. Copilot of a drunk driver. Companion of an abusive drunk. Roomate. Had to share bed with him. Have to make money arrangements with him. He was "only" verbal abusive but it REALLY could have been much worse.

I am hoping you are smart and stop any further plans while you learn more about the situation and about what you want. I was lucky to run before sharing anything legally.

Here in SR I also learned it is not so much about drinks or no drinks but about the BEHAVIOR. EX bf ignored my comments. Dimissed my opinions. Sent me to a psychiatrist. Told me I was the one with lots of issues. Got angry with me. Insulted me. Disrespected me. Drunk. AND sober. He saw me affected by it and didn't care - that is who he is. See the actions, mute the words, feel your gut. Your gut is never wrong.

Daisy,

The "moderate drinker" is defined as no more than 2 drinks per day for a man. You guy is way, way, beyond that.

It does not matter if he is in the military or if military people have higher rates of alcohol abuse. He is ALREADY abusing alcohol.

All that aside, what about YOU? What are YOU prepared to accept in a husband?

daisy

Since you guys are not married yet you are in a 'trial' period if you will. This is the time to consider everything before you. Would today just having met him and knowing him want to marry him?

The military isn't so much a breading ground just a place where the average age is younger then regular civilian companies and thus drinking is more accepted.

Save yourself years of drama and leave. You can put the 'bug' in his head about having and issue if you tell him that is why you are leaving. Maybe down the road he will see what he has lost along the way and want help. That is the only way to help him.

The number of drinks 5 or 10 at a sitting isn't saying he is or isn't, it is what it DOES for him. That 'buzz' that we want to get to, that pushes feelings away we don't want to feel.

You may not know this but we stop growing emotionally when we start drinking to mask feelings etc. So he may have the emotional stability of a 15 year old. This doesn't come out after 4 days of not drinking but weeks and months down the road.

You see the fire. You feel the fire. Why do you want to jump in ? Gosh there is SOOOO much more in life than with a drunk.

AG

Well, at least after the first post she stopped referring to him as "Darling Fiance"

Run from men who drink really fast
 

:wildHow do you know your dating an alcoholic?

When they are drinking when you meet them.

If they spend time at a bar.

If they socialize with there friends and always seem to be drinking.

When they have booze in the fridge.

When they can't pick you up for a date because there planning there next buzz, or can get pulled over for DUI.

Run don't date these men

I am at the point where I look at my XABF (of just a few days now) and think "Not my problem".

I've been at the same place you are so many times, for the past three years...racking my brain, counting the beer cans, calculating how many hours it took him to drink them. And, I've come to the conclusion...it's not my problem.

I chose to make it my problem because I had this vision that he was like this or that, that he was nice sometimes, that he had been sober for one three month period. And, I felt and still feel guilty that I couldn't "help" him or "show him the way" to a better life.

I have to let go of that...I didn't sign up for that problem and now I have to figure out why I ignored MY needs for so long and why I was so desperate to hang on to a bad relationship. It actually feels really good to let go and not worry about him...he's not! And, I can move on and have the great life I envision.

From reading through your posts, daisy, it seems to me that your heart doesn't want to believe what your head is telling you because you love him.

Please listen to what other people are telling you here. We are not saying he is bad or unlovable, we are simply saying he is hooked.

IMO, he cannot be "on the path to becoming an alcoholic". If he doesn't drink alcohol responsibly, he is already on the slippery path of being an alcoholic (which is progressive). Since you are even here on this forum suggests to me that it is definitely the latter.

He'll pull your petals one at a time until there are none left...
 

Daisy, you already know the answer to this question. You know! He is an alcoholic/addict, the kind the can function somewhat and keep a job. Just like my wife.

Now, stop thinking about him and his drinking-- you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Start thinking about yourself, the life you want to lead, and the type of person with whom you want to live it.

Here is my gift to you as it was given to me by others in 2003: Please go to an Al-Anon meeting, six different meetings before deciding if it is for you.

Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen

Take care,

Cyranoak