Does it sound like my fiance has an alcohol problem?

Old 05-30-2010, 04:37 AM
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Yeah, go online and take the MAST test for him, you should be able to answer most of the questions for him, there are a few that only the actual subject can answer.

While marijuana is considered by most to have mild addictive qualities, the psychological aspect can't be ignored, you'll find posts from a lot of ex-users here that will attest to that.

For me, the most telling thing, he drinks ama, would be very surprised if his blood pressure medication doesn't have a warning against consuming alcohol while using the medication.

He's probably at least heard of AA, AFN shows commercials for AA-one of the few mediums where I've seen them-on a fairly regular basis, most larger posts probably have regular meetings on-site, and I wouldn't be real surprised if they have Alanon meetings there too.
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Old 05-30-2010, 08:37 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dgillz View Post
Another good book - in your case probably the more important book IMHO - is "Codependent no More" by Melody Beattie.
Thanks, I'll read that one too.
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Old 05-30-2010, 09:10 AM
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Originally Posted by sailorjohn View Post
Yeah, go online and take the MAST test for him, you should be able to answer most of the questions for him, there are a few that only the actual subject can answer.
MAST
1. Do you feel you are a normal drinker? ("normal" - drink as much or less than most other people)
YES or NO

2. Have you ever awakened the morning after some drinking the night before and found that you could not remember a part of the evening?
YES or NO

3. Does any near relative or close friend ever worry or complain about your drinking?
YES or NO

4. Can you stop drinking without difficulty after one or two drinks?
YES or NO (Hard to answer this one for him with certainty. But when he limited his drinking to 2 doubles last year, he wasn't happy about it.)

5. Do you ever feel guilty about your drinking?
YES or NO

6. Have you ever attended a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)?
YES or NO

7. Have you ever gotten into physical fights when drinking?
YES or NO

8. Has drinking ever created problems between you and a near relative or close friend?
YES or NO

9. Has any family member or close friend gone to anyone for help about your drinking?
YES or NO

10. Have you ever lost friends because of your drinking?
YES or NO

11. Have you ever gotten into trouble at work because of drinking?
YES or NO (He certainly got in trouble in college. Also, when he first joined his current army unit at age 29 & started drinking again, after a heavy night of consumption he passed out in a military vehicle & woke up lying in his vomit. Don't know if he got in trouble or not, but I'm assuming the army doesn't approve of drunk soliders vomiting & sleeping in military vehicles)


12. Have you ever lost a job because of drinking?
YES or NO (Im counting college as a job here, but I don't know if his failing out was related to Marijuana, alcohol. or both.)

13. Have you ever neglected your obligations, your family, or your work for two or more days in a row because you were drinking?
YES or NO (Again, counting college here.)

14. Do you drink before noon fairly often?
YES or NO

15. Have you ever been told you have liver trouble such as cirrhosis?
YES or NO

16. After heavy drinking have you ever had delirium tremens (D.T.'s), severe shaking, visual or auditory (hearing) hallucinations?
YES or NO

17. Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your drinking?
YES or NO

18. Have you ever been hospitalized because of drinking?
YES or NO

19. Has your drinking ever resulted in your being hospitalized in a psychiatric ward?
YES or NO

20. Have you ever gone to any doctor, social worker, clergyman or mental health clinic for help with any emotional problem in which drinking was part of the problem?
YES or NO

21. Have you been arrested more than once for driving under the influence of alcohol? (Back in college, he did have 1 or 2 close calls with a DUI that resulted in police questioning, but never a formal arrest. However he is really good now about never driving after any consumption whatsoever - He does not want to jeopardize his army career.)
YES or NO

22. Have you ever been arrested, even for a few hours because of other behavior while drinking?
(If Yes, how many times ________ )
YES or NO

SCORING

Please score one point if you answered the following:
1. No
2. Yes
3. Yes
4. No
5. Yes
6. Yes
7 through 22: Yes

Add up the scores and compare to the following score card:
0 - 2 No apparent problem
3 - 5 Early or middle problem drinker
6 or more Problem drinker

To my knowledge his score is between a 6-10.,
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Old 05-30-2010, 10:17 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post

will it get worse? it's already getting worse.

his drinking is HIS choice. regardless of health concerns, his SON, you, if he wants to drink, he's gonna drink. he's drinking all the time......in fact his life is centered around that activity. he's blowing off other things, making excuses.
But that's the thing....to my knowledge he is not drinking all the time.
That's why I haven't been sure all this time if alcohol is a problem or not. I have not seen him heavily drink & then maintenance drink in between. Its more like he'll heavily drink 1-2 days....not drink....heavily drink 1-2 days....not drink, etc.

His drinking frequency to my knowledge:
First year dating: 1-2 times/month.
Second year dating: 2-3 times/month.
Past month of May: He's drank a minimum of 4 times (2 times in front of me & at least 2 times while on a 2-week-training trip with his unit - he may have drank more days than that though. The trips open a big opportunity to drink because his son isn't around).

However, I have seriously wondered if he was given more opportunity to drink would he drink more often?...that if he didn't have his son or didn't have to worry about passing an army PT test every few months, would he heavily drink every weekend despite his blood pressure & weight?

This past Sunday was the first time I remember him blowing off plans after drinking.....and according to him (of course), it had nothing to do with his drinking.
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Old 05-30-2010, 11:12 AM
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An alcoholic doesn't have to drink "all the time", or be a homeless bum living under a stairwell of an abandoned building. The issue is how does alcohol affect his life? You've already answered that.

One last thing, and this is just MHO - take the number of times and amounts that you know he has drank, and double it at a minimum. We alcoholics are experts at hiding it and you have already said he can consume large quantities with no apparent effects.
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Old 05-30-2010, 11:15 AM
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Regardless of his use pattern fitting any "technical" definition, you don't seem to be comfortable with it. This is more about what you want than anything else IMHO. 7 normal drinks over a couple hours for a guy that size is not that big a deal. We also have societal norms at play here and you should figure out what is acceptable to you based on your own value system.
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Old 05-30-2010, 11:23 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post

whether HE has a problem is not so much as the question as whether his drinking is a problem FOR YOU.
That's why I came here...to learn more about alcoholism and find out if his drinking SHOULD be a problem for me or if I am over-reacting.

I know very little about alcohol dependence. With the way his drinking is now, it doesn't seem to be a real problem. And up until recently I really hadn't paid enough attention to the amount he has been drinking the past 12 months....I kinda had the mindset that he was just a big guy...with a naturally high tolerance...that liked to relax & have a few drinks every once in a while. The deceiving part was that his self-poured "drink" ='s 1 tall glass with multiple servings of alcohol in it. I didn't realize how much alcohol he was consuming on the couch until I started to notice how empty the liquor bottle was the next morning. I'm here because concerned & wondering if his drinking will continue to escalate and where will this path lead 2,5,10 years down the road. I'm also wondering what I can do to help him (if that's even possible).
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Old 05-30-2010, 11:30 AM
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Originally Posted by ElegantlyWasted View Post
7 normal drinks over a couple hours for a guy that size is not that big a deal.
Are you aware it was 7 double drinks? (Each drink ordered contained twice the amount of whiskey compared to typical whiskey n' coke drink drink). I thought that means he really had 14 servings of alcohol in that time-period and was only buzzed. Should one be concerned about that?

I wouldn't be concerned about 7 servings in a 2-3 hrs period for a guy his size either.
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Old 05-30-2010, 11:39 AM
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Ok...then here's my question....based on your knowledge of alcoholism.... if you all were in my shoes, would his drinking be a problem for you?
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Old 05-30-2010, 12:06 PM
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Ok...then here's my question....based on your knowledge of alcoholism.... if you all were in my shoes, would his drinking be a problem for you?

Absolutely.
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Old 05-30-2010, 12:45 PM
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Thanks everyone for your input. I sincerely appreciate it!
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Old 05-30-2010, 04:02 PM
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I like what someone pointed out about your value system. It's not up to whether it'd be a problem for someone else.. this is you and what YOU want out of a partner.

To some, a few beers a night is not a problem. To me, even one beer, every single night, is a problem.

I don't want to marry a man who has to drink that much. It's against my beliefs, after being raised by alcoholics. As it's said, it is progressive.

My exbf could meet a woman, and she could laugh that I consider him to have a drinking problem. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. However, he drinks too much in regards to what I want and expect from a partner for life.
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Old 05-30-2010, 04:53 PM
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From what I read you are not with him 24/7 how can you possibly know when and how much he drinks? If you believe what he says you are on the wrong track. "A's" lie, whatever he says mutiply it by 3, you may be a little closer to the truth.

He may be a binge drinker now, this too will lead to daily drinking, the others who have posted here know what they are talking about.

Save yourself alot of heartache--listen to them!
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Old 05-30-2010, 05:23 PM
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Daisy

I sobered in the military.. Drinking goes hand in hand. I didn't have clue I had issues until my relationship started to leave because I like to drink alot.. I was an E4.

Something tells me he has a clue by now being an E7 and in charge of others. Being in the postion he is in going to some rehab would put a big 'ding' on his record. So he might not really want to say yes he does have an issue.

But yes I say he does have an issue. Best thing you can do for him and YOU is get out and save yourself YEARS of this. Asking him to quit or slow down isn't something he is able to do. That is reality. Sorry

AG
Sober 18 years now.
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Old 05-30-2010, 05:35 PM
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Daisy,
I think others have already convinced you through and through that your husband MAY, and in fact VERY LIKELY, is an alcoholic. He certainly sounds like one to me, and someone whose condition is deteriorating with the passage of time. I will echo that it does not matter if he drinks every day or not, or if he just got promoted, or whether he pays the bills on time. Anyone who consumes 14 drinks in one sitting, ever, even on New Years Eve, is clearly not a 'social drinker.' I for one would want nothing to do with such an individual.
What I personally wanted to add is that whether he is functional or not, if he is an alcoholic, then his primary relationship is with alcohol, and not you. If you want an emotionally engaged, emotionally available man, who is not perpetually concerned with recovering from his last drunk or planning the next one, who is likely to see you as a friend and not a nuisance, an alcoholic, functioning or otherwise, does not fit the bill. I can tell you that given your description of this man he seems like a one way ticket to nowhere. I only mention that because as his fiancee, and not wife, you are still in a position to walk away with only emotional strings attached. The moment you are married, it gets one hundred times more difficult to walk away. Others on the board who have been through or are currently going through divorces can probably attest to that.
One other thing: What happens when he gets 20 years in the service, and can retire, with a pension for life, and full benefits to boot? When he no longer has to be accountable to his commanding officer or his unit? Do you think that he is going to bust his ass to get a civilian job and keep bringing home the bacon, or do you think his episodic drinking might get a lot more regular?
MZ
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Old 05-30-2010, 06:30 PM
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Originally Posted by daisygirl2000 View Post
Ok...then here's my question....based on your knowledge of alcoholism.... if you all were in my shoes, would his drinking be a problem for you?
Yep.

I've yet to meet someone who believes he himself, or a loved one, has a drinking problem, only to discover they were wrong.
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Old 05-30-2010, 07:54 PM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
From what I read you are not with him 24/7 how can you possibly know when and how much he drinks? If you believe what he says you are on the wrong track. "A's" lie,
You are right. I don't know how often or how much he drinks when I'm not there. Since he has his son at home (& use to never drink in front of him) and he always sounded sober on the phone, I've just assumed that he doesn't drink unless he is with me or out with boys during army training trips. Those are the only two occasions in which he admits that he drinks. But I guess he could easily sneak in a drink or two when his son isn't looking and he would still sound perfectly sober.
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Old 05-30-2010, 08:11 PM
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Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
I sobered in the military.. Drinking goes hand in hand. I didn't have clue I had issues until my relationship started to leave because I like to drink alot.. I was an E4.
Hi AG. Is alcoholism very common in the military?

I'm wondering if several members in my fiances' unit may be an alcoholics, including even his Commanding Officer. I've heard he likes to drink & have even seen him falling-over drunk at a bar with his unit. Last month the CO showed up to a unit-family-picnic at 11AM with his own vodka & bloody mary mix. It seems like these guys gloat in their funny stories from nights of heavy drinking. There are a few other officers & enlisted members I wonder about too....sadly, I think those are the guys my fiance enjoys hanging with most. Wonder if the acceptance of drinking in his unit blinds him (and others) to the idea that it may be a problem.
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Old 05-30-2010, 09:08 PM
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Originally Posted by marshallzhukov View Post
I think others have already convinced you through and through that your husband MAY, and in fact VERY LIKELY, is an alcoholic.
My head is convinced that he has an alcohol problem...and is on the path to becoming an alcoholic....and alcoholism is devastating to marriage & kids.
My heart is saying "but he is so functional"..."maybe he doesn't drink extra in secret"..."maybe the problem is not that bad"..."maybe he can get better with help".

And yes, I know I need to listen to my head.

Originally Posted by marshallzhukov View Post
Anyone who consumes 14 drinks in one sitting, ever, even on New Years Eve, is clearly not a 'social drinker.'
Just out of curiosity...roughly how many drinks do you think a guy his size can consume in one sitting before he crosses that threshold of 'social drinker' to 'problem drinker'? 4 drinks? 8 drinks? 12 drinks???

Originally Posted by marshallzhukov View Post
One other thing: What happens when he gets 20 years in the service, and can retire, with a pension for life, and full benefits to boot? When he no longer has to be accountable to his commanding officer or his unit? Do you think that he is going to bust his ass to get a civilian job and keep bringing home the bacon, or do you think his episodic drinking might get a lot more regular?
MZ
I really hadn't thought about that one!! Yes, I could see that becoming a possiblity. Have you heard of many retired soldiers doing that?

Thanks MZ. That was a very emotionally sobering post!

Its really heart breaking to hear this stuff and I really appreciate you all taking the time to help me see the reality.
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Old 05-30-2010, 11:16 PM
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Hi daisy welcome.

About alcohol and marijuana, I used to drink and smoke both. To me those are the same thing in that I was NOT a happy person, well alcohol made me smile and be extroverted. MJ made me laugh at everything and become a lighter person. The two made me act like someone I was not.

It is very sad a man will drink while being responsible of his son.

Dear daisy it is heartbreaking but an alcoholic will DENY he or she has a problem, even on their deathbed, when often they end up there as a direct consequence of their addiction.

Many wonderful people here have witnessed that and I do not know how they cope. Denial takes alcoholics to the grave. That is one of the most frustrating and horrible parts of addiction.

I identified with you because I had a BF. We spent time together and I noticed he drank but I never knew what he did when I was not there, probably drinking twice.

Then he left for work to another city and we had a long distance relation. When he went to see me he was thinner and thinner. Now I know it was because no one knew him here, he was obviously drinking a lot.

When I moved with him I was able to realize the extent of the problem, whole Sundays were spent nursing him back to life after drinking ALL week. He also got angry and defensive when I brought up alcohol. Once when we were on vacation he got superdrunk and started telling me horrible things. I recall several instances where I ended up crying, then he was sorry, he wouldn't do it again, next weekend it was the same only worse.

He also loves Jack Daniels. One year and a half later he still loves him, he still looks yellow and he is still very thin.


Normal people do not defend alcohol, do not get angry. It is not even a topic.
I say you are lucky and God, the universe, whatever is watching over you just as he did with me. I also planned on marrying the guy. Hope you don't even have to go through living with him. I put myself in very dangerous positions. Copilot of a drunk driver. Companion of an abusive drunk. Roomate. Had to share bed with him. Have to make money arrangements with him. He was "only" verbal abusive but it REALLY could have been much worse.

I am hoping you are smart and stop any further plans while you learn more about the situation and about what you want. I was lucky to run before sharing anything legally.

Here in SR I also learned it is not so much about drinks or no drinks but about the BEHAVIOR. EX bf ignored my comments. Dimissed my opinions. Sent me to a psychiatrist. Told me I was the one with lots of issues. Got angry with me. Insulted me. Disrespected me. Drunk. AND sober. He saw me affected by it and didn't care - that is who he is. See the actions, mute the words, feel your gut. Your gut is never wrong.
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